My Biggest Upset After Learning I Was Trans Aside From The Obvious Classic Normal Disappointments Like

My biggest upset after learning i was trans aside from the obvious classic normal disappointments like "its not happening fast enough, estrogen isn't going to fix my shoulder width, etc" was learning that I have to be my own force femme gf, no one is gonna do it for me. And if I can't compel myself to whatever reason, it just doesn't get done. Maybe (probably) it's unhelpful to think of it this way, but the venice of gender has to be built constantly. It won't ever fully vanish but it will sink out of sight and reappear and disappear. I think if I had Adderall the labor of transformation would be easier, but literally what wouldn't be easier with Adderall. I wish that the mantras were enough and that i could subsist off of my own internal confidence of my gender, but sadly despite my best efforts I am still affected by the misgendering and misconceptions of Randoms on the street, and am ultimately beholden to their unsolicited feedback. I would be happy to be a fat dyke with hairy arms and facial hair and a deep voice, but I must shave and adhere to the fallibly rigid cis women tropes if I want to be treated like a girl outside of the house. Okay im done bitching, thank you for coming to my vent post, like comment and subscribe, dont forget to ring that bell