About A Week Ago I Posted This.

Y’all need it

reblog to give the person you reblogged this from a fucking break

Thinking about Fray Bigotón (brother moustache), mascot of the Franciscan Monastery of Cochabamba in Bolivia who was adopted after being found as a stray

I started using Head and Shoulders ten years ago for itchy scalp and dandruff, and then for ten years I have not had itchy scalp and dandruff, so I thought “why do I still buy shampoo to combat itchy scalp and dandruff when I do not have itchy scalp and dandruff,” so I stopped buying the shampoo for itchy scalp and dandruff and can you guess I have now? Can you predict what currently afflicts me? It’s alright if you can’t because apparently I fuckin couldn’t either

Next installment of Lord of the Rings AU: It's Fine, Everybody's Fine is Aragorn's coronation, at which Boromir W E E P S:

I think in a circumstance where Boromir lives, or even just in interacting with Faramir in canon, Aragorn would be very aware of the optics of striding in out of the wilderness to take a throne that the line of stewards had been fighting and dying for in his absence (Thorongil cosplay aside). Cool thing is, in this AU, seeing the king's throne filled and experiencing Gondor at peace for the first time in living history is more than Boromir EVER hoped for.

The day the White Tree sapling blooms, Aragorn wakes up Faramir and Boromir like a six-year-old on Christmas:

And then there's that FIRST SUNRISE over the Mountains of Shadow, when day breaks over a defeated east that's clean and clear and Boromir WEEPS AGAIN because he NEVER THOUGHT he'd see such a thing and YES this is a THIRST TRAP why do you ASK

Hell yeah I gave him a tattoo, it's the seven stars of Gondor plus a coastal rockrose that grows in sandy soils along the Mediterranean because I figure that's like Dol Amroth in honor of HIS MOM because I LOVE SYMBOLISM

Lord of the Rings was published in the fifties, and largely written in the forties. Tolkien’s opinions on society and morality and technology are at some points genuinely more conservative than what I’m comfortable with. And yet, the more I think about it, the more sure I am that Tolkien actually deconstructs most of the clichéd fantasy tropes he supposedly originates. Some examples.

The long-lost heir is not the hero, he’s a side character who deliberately uses himself as a decoy.

The real hero actually fails in his quest, his goodness and determination and willpower utterly fail in the face of evil, and the world is saved by a series seemingly unrelated good deeds.

The central conflict is not between destroying the world and preserving it. An age of the world will come to an end, and many great and beautiful things will perish, whether the heroes win or lose. The past may have been glorious, but preserving it is impossible, and returning to it is impossible, time has passed and the world has moved on. The king returns, but the elves are gone and magic fades from the very substance of Middle Earth. The goal is not to preserve the status quo, the goal is the chance to rebuild something on the ruins.

Killing the main villain seems to instantly solve the problem, eradicate all enemies and fix the world, except it doesn’t, not wholly, since the scouring of the Shire still has to happen.

Also, the hero gets no real reward, and what he gets, he cannot really enjoy. He is hurt by his ordeal, and never fully recovers.

There is a team of heroes, a classic adventuring party, except the Fellowship is together for less one sixth of the series. The Fellowship is intact from the Council of Elrond to Gandalf’s death, four chapters. The remaining eight are together until Boromir’s death, an additional six chapters. This is nothing compared to LOTR’s length of sixty-one chapters, if I count correctly.

Tolkien is not classic high fantasy. If you actually think about it, there is very little magic. The hobbits’ stealth is not magical, most elven wonders are not unambigously magical, wizards are extremely rare, and even Gandalf hardly uses magic if you compare him to the average DnD wizard. Most magic is indistinguishable from craft, there is no clear difference between a magic armor and a very good armor, between magic bread and very good bread, between magical healing and competent first-aid plus a few kind words.

TLDR: Stop praising recent fantasy for deconstructing Tolkien if they’re “deconstructing” something Tolkien has never actually constructed.

US state borders but they are based off rivers and mountains

Can we get some headcannons about the BOYS? (thats what im calling them)

I like it, from here on out they are the boys.

since you didn't specify for what exactly, I chose random things that I have thought of, too many times before.

Altaïr 🦅

• more than once this man has walked into a glass door, and on a few occasions broke said door. he walked away like nothing happened.

• I've said it once and I'll say it again : this man is terrible with technology. like, the only stuff he's good with is old time, back in the day kinda stuff. keyboard? can't use it for shit. typewriter? this guy is like a damn journalist. laptop? the thing is destroyed because he got so mad when he couldn't figure out where the mouse was, even when desmond showed him where it was. old desktop that's built like a t.v.? perfect, everything makes sense now.

• when checking out at stores and the cashiers say "have a good day" on multiple occasions, an embarrassing amount of occasions this man has responded with: "what's so good about it", "thanks.", "you have good days?", "I didn't even want to get out of bed this morning.", "im leaving now"

• due to the last one: this man never uses a credit or debit card. cash only.

• before he broke the pasta noodles in half in front of ezio, he's thought about doing it way too many times. the reason he finally acted on it was because ezio brought up the many fires, explosions, and overall chaos that has happened when he "cooks". Altaïr internally said "fuck you, AND your pasta noodles"

• has set the microwave on fire before, blown out the front of it. cue desmond and arno running into the kitchen frantically putting the fire out, taking out what was inside it. there was a can of green beans. cue des and arno asking him why the hell he put a METAL can in the microwave. "oh you're not supposed to put metal in the microwave?"

• he is NOT a morning person. if you go to wake up this man and he's in a deep sleep, he's waking up swinging. Jacob has been slugged in the face a few times.

• I feel like Altaïr would like to nap in the sun/warm places.

• believe it or not, he was the weird kid that ate dirt.

• as a kid he was gifted an bald eagle as a birthday present from his dad, he was gifted a little yellow parakeet as his birthday present from his mother. he named her sunflower and the eagle apollo. he came back from training one day wanting to spend time with apollo and sunflower. apollo was there but sunflower wasn't, but there were yellow feathers everywhere. his dad told him apollo ate sunflower. Altaïr plucked all of apollos feathers on his head out. "you really are a bald eagle now aren't you, you little shit" vengeance for sunflower was served.

Ezio 🌹

• this man is a 5 star chef when it comes to authentic Italian food. don't ask him to make American food. anything other than Italian food he can't cook.

• after becoming great friends with Arno, ezio too is now a hopeless romantic.

• ezio and arno send each other memes either during conversations or as conversations.

• doesn't hesitate on the intrusive thoughts. just does them.

• has worn both his mother and Claudia's make up before, and he is flawless when putting on eyeliner. he doesn't go all out, he's more of the natural beauty kind of guy.

• this man can take one look at a person and correctly guess their clothing size.

• he and arno like to get together and have gossip sessions with a nice (few) bottles of wine.

• I whole heartedly believe that ezio is an amazing artist. he and leonardo bonded over painting, sketching, drawing etc. and on more than one occasion has joked with Arno with the whole "paint me like one of your French girls" gets a smack to the back of the head everytime.

• loves teasing Altaïr, he's so easy to rile up and ezio gets a laugh out of it. that is until Altaïr breaks pasta noodles in front of him. fists are up and ready to go.

• hates horses cause they have a long face, it makes him uncomfortable.

Arno 🥐

• has punched both edward and Jacob multiple times for pronouncing "croissant" wrong.

• gossip time with ezio is one of his favorite days of the week.

• when having conversations with ezio its either with memes in it, or how the conversation is being had.

• will not hesitate to roast you. loves roasting people, in fact he deep down hopes that someone will piss him off enough to roast them. even though he doesn't really need a reason.

• is very protective over the boys. (this man has trauma, can we blame him)

• an amazing singer. ezio has asked Arno for tips/lessons and once Arno heard him sing he said "can you hear yourself? no? good, cause trust me, you don't want to."

• he's really good at writing: poetry, songs, stories and even plays, but he's self conscious so he'd never try to get them to actually be put out there. ezio and desmond are his #1 hype team.

• I can see him being a great figure skater. don't know why, but I do.

• is a great baker, another 5 star chef when it comes to making authentic (french) food.

• he and Altaïr like to people watch and judge them like Simeon Cowell.

Connor🐺

• this man has a petting zoo of animals, from childhood into adulthood.

• calls animals fur babies, change my mind.

• is another one who is protective over the boys

• believe it or not, he's more in tune with his emotional side like Arno and Ezio.

• loves wearing flannels, not only are they comfy but he likes the way they look.

• wants to build himself a cabin, like the ones you see some youtubers do. chop down the trees, use them to build it and all that jazz.

• wants to have a timber wolf as a pet, it's his dream pet. he truly wants just a wolf, but knows it's not a good idea.

• brought a turkey into the house as a kid, Ziio was not a happy camper. but she didn't want connor to be sad, so she said he could keep it as long as it stayed outside.

• the turkey and Connor were playing outside of their village. it was November. there was a loud bang, Connor turned around and turkey had been shot...and he was shot by none other than Charles Lee. another reason he hates the man so much.

• (for this one we're gonna say Haytham and Ziio stayed together) whenever Charles Lee came over to visit, Connor never liked him. when his parents weren't looking he would do this to Charles Lee; bite, kick, pour salt in his food and drink, make faces etc. Haytham knew, but it also amused Haytham so he said nothing.

Edward🏴‍☠️

• cried while getting his first tattoo, like sobbed.

• Mary on more than one occasion has gotten him (when he's drunk ofc) to cross dress (like she does as james)

• is a huge fan of the Pirates of the Caribbean movie series.

• sings sea shantys when doing things around the house.

• has slept outside many times while drunk. doesn't remember how he got there, when he got there, or why he stayed.

• has wanted to try those swimming like a mermaid trend.

• wants the boys to get a pirate themed tattoo with him.

• he and Jacob like to go out drinking together and watch each other get drunk because of the way they act. unfortunately while doing this since the both of them are drunk neither knows what in God's name is going on, until they wake up outside half naked wondering why they're wearing lipstick.

• has said many times "im never drinking again" yet is holding a cup filled with alcohol.

• has pushed Jacob off the side of the jackdaw when he pissed him off.

Jacob🎩

• being evies worst nightmare is his favorite passtime.

• teases evie for having a crush on 2 of his best friends, she tells him if he ever told them his manhood will be missing when he wakes up.

• woke up on a roof one time after drinking escapades with Edward the night before. Edward was on the roof across from him.

• has worn his shoes on the wrong feet all day long to annoy evie, but also was too lazy to put them on the right feet.

• he tries to trip evie whenever the two of them are going up the stairs. jokes on him he actually trips himself.

• is the king of intrusive thoughts.

• 95% of the time he gives into those intrusive thoughts, that small 5% is evie being able to stop them before they happened.

• got a drunk tattoo with Edward once, it's a tramp stamp.

• he's the one filling Edward's cup whenever Edward says he's never drinking again.

• even though he's a jokester and does stupid stuff, he's honestly one of the most trustworthy people the boys know. "he may be an idiot, but he's our idiot" and evies like "go ahead and have him. I should have killed him in the womb"

Desmond🐶

• was adopted by the Auditores when he left the farm.

• when he first started bartending, he broke over half the glasses they had.

• debated on becoming a therapist about a year into bartending, he sure as hell felt like one. might as well get paid the right money for it.

• he doesn't like to drink alcohol very often due to how he's around it so much while he works, and sees how people act. not a favorite pass time, but he does enjoy having a glass of wine with Arno and Ezio.

• he's really good at playing guitar, he and Arno like to do little karaoke sessions, ezio is there but isn't allowed to sing.

• is good at cooking all types of foods, just don't ask him to bake. he's not good with precision so the sweets always come out messed up. leave that to arno.

• wants to get more tattoos, and has tried talking the boys into getting the brotherhood/creed insignia tattooed.

• I see desmond as a piercings kind of guy. what they are, who knows.

• Desmond is the golden retriever friend, everyone loves him.

• Desmond is the epitome of "I didn't want to wake up today, im tired you're lucky I dragged my corpse out of bed today"

I just cut my hand and in a snap! Something out of Edgar Allen Poe has happened 😰

happy halloween!! 🎃

hurr hurr I'm a human body hurr hurr I'm gonna solve all my problems using mucus