Happy, Little Chew Toys

I haven't slept well since two nights during my junior year of high school. It's been twelve years of pain since, and of the things I've forgotten, those two nights are still with me. Would be nice to have those happen again.

... Never thought I’d be the one to help shatter someone’s illusion... Did I really help save her? She’s so tired. She’s so numb. She’s so confused. She knew something was wrong. That’s why after four years, she reached out to me. She spent the last year being worn down, and she knew it couldn’t be right. She reached out to me partially to fill a void her soon-to-be ex-husband didn’t. I knew that wasn’t healthy. We talked about anything and everything. We aren’t afraid to talk to each other now, because we’ve both grown. She told me what he was. I told her what he really was, and a part of her knew. It took her a few days, and some googling to finally see what I saw right away. It’s hurt her so much. She didn’t want to believe what I knew was abuse (both physically and mentally) was what had been happening to her. Article after article told her the same things, and they described everything he’d been doing. She’s so tired and numb now. No one could want this for someone they love. In the end, it’s her choices, her willingness to heal, and time that will see her rebuild. I’ll be beside her wherever she is. But, as much as I’ve hurt her for destroying what she thought was her dream, her illusion. I couldn’t stand aside and walk away quietly like I’ve done for so long. If you see abuse, know someone who is being abused, or if you are the one being abused, whether it’s courage or a spurt of madness, reach out to someone. There are so many advice lines. So many counselors. Hospitals. Even law enforcement. Don’t be the one to see or know and do nothing. If you are the one in it, breathe deep, know you are worth more than how you’re being treated, and find someone to talk to. Anyone can get you started to saving your life, even yourself. It’s less unknown to stay in the situation you are in, but it’s not safer.

Why can't I remember? Names, faces, people, events. They're gone. There's a feeling left. Like a hole where an uprooted tree stood. Pieces of pictures are all that's left. No emotion attached to them. Did they really happen? Were they all just dreams? Is this all just a nightmare I can't wake from?

Has anyone else ever noticed in horror movies and shows when the good guy walks into their house and a window is open they clearly didn't open earlier all they do is close it with a look of, "That's weird, I don't remember opening that window." Bitch! It's your damn house! If you didn't open the window, something else damn did! At least pretend you know something is wrong.

We always have the news on at work, and the Christy Mack case seems to have gotten some attention. Girls, help me out on this one because I must be insane if no one agrees with me. Whoever that meathead jack wagon of a boyfriend was that nearly murdered her got himself a lawyer who's using her rape fantasy/kink as a way of basically saying she deserved being nearly murdered. That's bullshit, right? I'm not crazy for saying if a judge even considers that as a valid defense, he needs to get nearly shot to death if he ever wonders what it's like to be shot or be injected with AIDS if he ever wonders what it's like to have a nearly incurable disease, am I? Because having a rape fantasy or kink or whatever and nearly being beaten to death is as much an extreme leap as those in my last question. It doesn't fucking matter she was a porn star. It doesn't fucking matter if she still is a porn star. Last I checked, attempted murder and assault are still crimes. Or, have I totally lost my mind...? I know how lawyers play. I get their games. But, even for a lawyer, that's fucking low.

Bizarre shower thoughts: Is there a market for guys who just want to eat girls out? And how much would it be worth?

Why is this a question?

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-africa-30933860 The simplest answer to this isn't through how they get money, weapons, or people. I'd like to refer to a line from the 2005 Matthew McConaughey movie Sahara: "Don't worry. It's Africa. Nobody cares about Africa." -General Zateb Kazim Not a great movie, but that line sums up the world's view of Africa. The only reason SA was ever considered important was for its diamonds. Other than that, the governments do next to nothing but cling to a non-existent power (if allowing their country(ies) to be taken by enemies is any indication of their power). They have no money because they have nothing to give. The money sent for aid, if it ever even reaches the government, typically goes directly to the ruling party/individual and their cronies. The people have nothing. Thousands are displaced by the insurgents, warlords, or corrupt governments, stealing ancestral lands, destroying homes, etc. Basics nearly every other continent has for the most part just don't exist. I can imagine the common people live in fear much of the time and just do everything they can to survive. Not to say everyone there is poor and living in mud huts. They have socio-economic classes, too, but they aren't like ours. Ours also aren't under constant, imminent threat of religious extremists. The people just want to live. Just have a normal, day-to-day life. Have a home, have a job, have a family. It's safe to say there are many who want to fight but are without means. They would fight to keep their homes if they could, but they aren't warriors or soldiers. Their governments sometimes gives groups guns, maybe training, but in the end, they're on their own against religious fanatics. I'm not saying the U.S. needs a direct hand in Africa. We don't even really need to fund them. We need to teach the governments, down to the lowest assistant/secretary/clerk, to stop being such shitstacks swindling each other and looking out only for "number one." It's the same problem in the M.E. The governments are so full of people who would stab their neighbor(s) in the back for a little extra that next to nothing ever gets done. It's true that our legislative branch is especially like that, but it's not on a scale that civil services, if they exist, are extorting people for their mail or some such. People here just don't get how lucky our boring lives are. Those who are all for sending our military in to do something they, themselves, don't understand should be challenged to take their Durrmocracy and Second Amendment over there to see how long their guns can win themselves a life like they have here. It is largely our fault the Taliban, Boko Haram, IS, etc. exist in the first place. This is what happens when you suddenly invade countries with zero plan. WW II was entirely different. There was no power vacuum. You had organized, educated, civic-minded individuals waiting on the sidelines to pick up the pieces. The M.E. had thousands of years of tribal culture that had no concept of a functioning State, only their immediate surroundings. Family was and still is their number one. Same in Africa. Those people we have "Americanized" are typically so corrupt, they'll wipe out entire villages just for a few thousand dollars. No different than what extremists are doing, just for different reasons. The funny thing is, if we focused on creating an environment that facilitated a mostly honest, civic-minded government devoid as possible of religious influence, we'd have seen a change. We'd be safer in the end, too. Instead, we fight for them and leave them just as ignorant as when we arrived. In the end, we're lucky we have an ocean between us and a government always watching us, because those are the only things stopping them from organizing here. But, it's Africa... It's over there. No one cares...

Will I always be the unlucky one?

Will I always lose every game?

Will I always be the low roll?

Will I always be last?

Will I always be the one who doesn't get a second look?

Will I always be the one life decided to leave behind?

Will I only ever see everyone else succeed?

What did I do wrong to deserve a life like this?

No explanation necessary. Unless you are one of these people. Then, I hate you and want to hit you with a brick.