The Worst Thing About Wondering If It's Better To Be Dead Or Living Is Not Knowing The Experience Of

I have the same stein.

Well…. This is awkward….

I would rather have been a terrible storm, a great wave to crush a coastline, a rampaging tornado, or a furious volcano.

Depression is a war. 

Is it guilt? What is it?

I have this weird, lingering... feeling...? Since we broke up about a year ago, we remained in contact, I have seen my ex gain at least thirty pounds. She was always insecure, depressed, anxious, etc. on top of being just downright lazy when it came to her physical well-being, and there was nothing I could say or do to get her to change that. She takes half a dozen medications to help her, and it seems to me they don't work. She refused to even eat better (A salad with ten ounces of ranch dressing is not healthy) when I gave up on offering to do walk-jog-run or something as simple as Wii-Fit. I didn't care she was overweight already or not as active as she should have been, I just wanted her to actually think for once instead of sitting on facebook all day eating junk food and looking (then, subsequently, complaining to me) at how all these "friends" kept getting married, engaged, blah, blah, blah. Eventually, the daily irony of being all these things on top of her going to nursing school was too much for me to bear. Few things make me angrier than people in health care, or trying to get into it, who can hardly make it up a flight of steps, much less have some semblance of mental/emotional stability. I don't care how smart a person is in a classroom (she is very book-smart, that much is true). If they think they are material for being in a position to possibly need to save people and have zero stability other than this illogical, masochistic idea that being in health care will mystically make themselves better (physically, mentally, emotionally), they're wrong. Thinking a job they will have huge responsibilities will magically make them take care of themselves, too, simply makes no sense at all when they have fits of depression or anxiety that keep them in bed all day. It makes me sad, too. It makes me sad because a part of me really, REALLY wanted to help her. I wanted to help her succeed, but she'd have nothing of it. A part of me also feels responsible for how she reacted to the breakup. Honestly, that's illogical, as well. Maybe even more so than her mindset. There was little worthwhile about that relationship, honestly. The relationship yielded little more than what a good friendship could have (sex has never been a strong selling point to me). Maybe if we'd been friends longer before dating, we could have circumvented the inevitable. She isn't a bad person, but she is too self-destructive for anyone less than psychiatrists to handle. Still... All-in-all, for whatever, ridiculous reason, I still feel bad... and I don't know why...

"You must stay at the table until you finish all your beans. Then, you have my permission to die." -Lima Bane

In case you're wondering, yes, I did do this. Yes, it was on my phone, which is why it's not perfect (really wanted the coat, too). Yes, I hate lima beans.

Life goals

I have decided that I am going to marry into a family the last name Fowler, take their name, and name my kid Bard Ash Moulder Fowler. I'd be such a proud dad.

How are the meds going? How do you feel? ❤

Well, you were right about how they're supposed to work. They don't even help ease the sadness, anger. They're just supposed to give you more energy and help focus. Doesn't make sense why humans would even bother to invent such a useless medication. Medication is supposed to be coupled with therapy, but what good is that if my mind has hard-wired itself to be, well, me?I wish you could have another opportunity to try them. Maybe they would work for you. Maybe you'd run into an incredible doctor, counselor, or someone completely new, and you could start to piece back together. Medication doesn't necessarily work the same on everyone, but the right support is essential. Otherwise, it'll only make things, in a way, worse. It's only easier to focus on the dark now.Thanks for checking on me. You are an incredible person. I'm sure it's impossible to convince yourself, but there are a lot of us out there who think so about you.Hope you're having a good day/evening/night. Hope tomorrow brings at even one moment of clarity and stillness.

They say people who can't sleep tend toward depression. It makes me wonder... Or, maybe I just don't go out enough.

When you spend most of your life feeling like you're going to die any second, yet every day feels like an eternity.