Dostoyevsky + The Dream

Pedge's Bookshop The Murder

Foyer: There are already so many great AU fics featuring all our favorite Pedro Boys and I'd like to showcase them! In the Coffee Shop Foyer you'll find some great rec's for coffee and books alike. Bring your library card--this if one of my favorite tropes! This week, check out "Snooze" by @tightjeansjavi, it's a beautiful refreshment before our discussion turns to a darker roast...

Triggers: profanity, major spoilers for "Crime and Punishment", references to murder/violence, typical Last of Us canon, no smut yet, just bristling with...academia, cats (allergic?), too much coffee consumption...

Series Masterlist

It was quite early in the morning as you trudged through the main street of the Jackson Commune with a satchel of notepaper and a newfound pocketful of optimism. Only the local apothecary would be open this early, but truth be told, you hadn’t slept much the night before. Bracing yourself against the cold tundra winds, your boots crunching in the seemingly ever-present snow, you couldn’t help but indulge in the inner warmth of your recent hopeful encounter….with Joel.

Finding yourself on an extended winter break, your educational duties had slowed to a grinding halt, as you watched friends and local families celebrate the holidays in whatever unconventional way they could. You had to admit that Jackson had worked a small Christmas miracle in providing decency, organization and community in an otherwise sparse territory. But once again, the holidays only served to highlight your growing isolation in contrast. You loved the small niche you had been able to carve out for yourself, here at the end of the world. You just wished it included someone else. Or at least a good book to read. Enter Joel. 

Stumbling into the apothecary with a flurry of wind and snow, you made small talk with the shopkeep, casting a wary glance across the road to The Bookshop. You weren’t sure if Joel and his feline companion would even be accessible this early in the morning, but lo and behold, the bookshop was casting a cheery glow in the wintry dawn. It would be impossible to disguise your enthusiasm, returning a mere 12 hours since yesterday, but you felt restless as ever with the new prospect of passionate…discussion. Traipsing across Joel and this treasure trove of literary wonders had lit a small, ambitious fire within you. You hoped you weren’t getting too far ahead of yourself, but if the apocalypse had taught you anything it was to seize opportunities as soon as they presented themselves, and this was too good a chance to pass up. You weren’t sure if you could edge your way through Joel’s formidable emotional armor, but if Dostoyevsky could help you, all the better. Striking up a conversation about the classic “Crime and Punishment” had nudged a small crack in the otherwise impenetrable vizard of the commune’s most intriguing hermit, and you were determined to get your foot in the door, in more ways than one. Besides, it was good research if you were going to provide the most nurturing and educational atmosphere for his ward, Ellie. Trading for your small apothecary purchase, you crossed the distance to the bookshop, peering at the large “CLOSED” sign in the window. 

Tentatively trying the handle, you breathed a sigh of relief, pushing the door open to the telltale ringing sound of the bookshop bell. Quickly shutting the door, you sighed with contentment at the heat of the foyer. How was it so warm? Your eyes noticed the small wood burning stove in the book nook alcove, nodding your head in affirmation. You didn’t remember that from yesterday. Joel had really thought of everything. Reflecting back on your most recent encounter, you endeavored to make yourself immediately known to avoid a repeat surprise. Though, if totally honest, your stomach dipped slightly with the possibility of seeing his face again, whatever the circumstance. You had spent all night, jotting down notes from your memory of several decades past. The plot of “Crime and Punishment” was very straightforward, but the character names and subsequent themes were a labyrinth of literary genius, and you weren’t a hundred percent sure you could remember every detail. Gone were the days of Google, but you hoped the ongoing conversation with Joel could jog your memory. Or at the very least, maybe add a small spark of cheer to an otherwise dreary and somewhat lonely holiday season.

“Anybody home?” you called out optimistically, noticing the striking fragrance of coffee already permeating the bookshop as the orange tabby trotted in from the backroom, leading the way before Joel’s immediately imposing figure. Joel’s face was buried in a book, as he confidently strode forward, not making eye contact but heading to the wood burning stove. 

“Coffee?” he rasped, a new plaid shirt hugging the broad contours of his frame, as the cat nudged itself against your calves, already purring contentedly.

“Oh!” you quirked, curious as to Joel’s seeming bravado which contradicted his apparent anticipation of your “unexpected” arrival. Perhaps you weren’t the only one who was looking forward to another chance encounter? “I don’t want to use up your stock…” you mused, rummaging through your bags for the apothecary purchase.

“S’no trouble, I’ve got extra” Joel glanced sideways as you retrieved the small parcel of catnip. You thought you caught the smallest upturn of his mouth, but it was immediately gone under your watchful gaze.

“I’ll bet you like that, don’t you, Rascal?” you teased the cat playfully, dangling the treat to its clawing attacks. “What do you think, is that a good name for our furry companion?” you questioned, setting your bag near the foyer armchair and removing your winter scarf.

“You’re the expert, teach” Joel finally looked up, a crackle of electricity flashing across his countenance that quickly disappeared as he turned his back to you, heading towards the wood burning stove. “Hope you like it dark…” he stated matter-a-factly, pouring the coffee into a nearby ceramic and shoving it towards you unceremoniously. “Least it’s hot…” he shrugged, watching you mindfully and towering above you as you sat in the comfortable arm chair.

Pausing as you realized he expected you to drink it immediately, you quickly grabbed the offering, bringing the cup to your lips enthusiastically. This was short lived, as the potent beverage jolted through your system, eliciting a coughing fit, covered by bouts of laughter. “Strong…” you wheezed, nodding your head with appreciation.

“You’re just like Ellie” he grumbled, though apparently satisfied with your reaction and heading back to the front counter. “Wht’s the good of coffee if it ain’t strong?” he argued, picking up the book and furrowing his brow in consternation.

“Made it through part two yet?” you probed, eyeing Joel conspiratorially. You wondered if there were only one copy of the book, as you wouldn’t mind a refresher before your next conversation.

“Not the best student, teach” Joel complained, shaking his head with self-deprecation. “Might be a lost cause…” he pondered, setting the book down and gesturing to the stack of books behind you. “Found another copy though…if you want it…” he lowered his gaze to the cat’s playful self-banter, though as your face lit up with recognition, his attention snapped quickly to your ebullient reaction. Grabbing the nearby quilt, you wrapped yourself up in the warmth of familiarity, tracing a finger down the spine of this most recent copy, as though handling a sacred artifact. Nowadays, it really was. These could be the only two copies in the world, for all you knew. You hugged the book to your chest, basking in the warmth of luxury. Opening your eyes you noticed Joel watching you meticulously, his face nearly unreadable, but his eyes shining brightly with acknowledgement.

“Okay” he nodded, returning to the book and leafing through the pages. “Rapscallion’s a damned near idiot if you ask me…” he mumbled, huffing with frustration and taking a large swig of his own coffee to punctuate the opinion.

“Raskolnikov?” your eyebrows lifted up to your forehead, tilting your head sideways and relishing the feline’s ongoing maneuvers. “I assume you’re not talking about the cat…” you jested, breathing in the musky fragrance of the book pages as you delicately fingered your way to the end of chapter six.

“Didn’t think he had it in’m” Joel scoffed, and you wondered if his tone were one of scathing judgement or clandestine admiration. “Guess you can never tell with people sometimes…” he decided, setting the book down heavily on the counter as though aching to avoid it. “Right at the beginning too!” he exclaimed, his eyes squinting with incredulity. “What’s the rest of the book about, anyhow?” he questioned, picking it back up restlessly.

“I can tell you the ending right now, if you want…” you teased, shuffling your feet together playfully and looking over the edge of the book mischievously.

“You wouldn’t dare” Joel gazed at you skeptically, as though trying to gauge your gumption. “What kinda teacher is that?” he mumbled, setting the book back down defiantly. “Could just flip to the end if I want…” he pouted, rubbing at the back of his neck with humility.

“You could, but then you’d miss all the angst” you sarcastically gibed, skimming through the previous pages to see if your memory had been relatively accurate.

“Got a teenager in my house with all the angst you could want” Joel contested, picking up the book one final time as though trying to decipher an ancient, mysterious text. The silence hung between the two of you, stretched into an odd sense of comfort as the quilt melted around you comfortingly and the wood stove crackled joyfully in the corner.

“I forgot about the illness…” you mused, skimming the surrounding pages and reaching for your notebook.

“Is this a pop quiz, teach?” Joel bantered, leafing through the pages cynically.

“No, no tests today, Miller. It’s just interesting to deconstruct the book after the contagion, you know?” you proffered, jotting down some ideas for future pondering. “Dostoyevsky was of the opinion that crime was a harbinger of illness, guilt, paranoia…all manner of psychological maladies that could isolate and twist the human psyche”. If you had glanced up at Joel you might have seen him blanch slightly at the observations, but it was immediately replaced with a mask of stoicism, as you continued. “Wonder what D would have to say about the pandemic of a society bent on destroying itself? A contagion not only of Cordyceps, but of corruption and violence itself. Wasn’t new to Dostoyevsky’s time and it certainly isn’t new to ours…” you trailed off, thankful to be housed in the armored atmosphere of the commune and its residents, rather than fighting and clawing for your own survival from one day to the next.

“Don’t expect the people in the last century had many more luxuries than we do now" Joel surmised, his mood immediately darkening under the onslaught of unarticulated memories. “Survival doesn’t allow for much livin’” he wisely stated, thumbing the ridge of his book as though looking for hidden insights.

“Wow, Miller, you might just get an ‘A’ on this quiz after all” you ventured, thinking through the poverty, trauma and history of humanity. What had allowed Dostoyevsky to transcend the challenges of his time, and speak so presciently into the horrors of our own? And what would he think about a society that could no longer hide the contagion of its own demise, clawing and grasping at any thread for survival while debating the loss of its own humanity? “Guess we started with the easy stuff…” you jested, momentarily soothed by the cat’s oblivious joy in such a simple activity.

“Nothing accidental about killin’” Joel bluntly intruded, enunciating his words definitively. “Kill or be killed, if you ask me…” a dark, foreboding seemed to encapsulate his demeanor, as a minuscule shiver rippled across his back. You haltingly held your breath, remembering your surprising encounter yesterday. There was something about Joel that seemed almost primal; a kind of wildness that fit the landscape you found each other in. You weren’t sure how applicable any of the previous societal norms were to a period of history already marked by such far-reaching lawlessness, but you were willing to bet Joel was at least tethered to the laws of nature. How could he and Ellie have survived without it? You were trying to formulate that very question when Joel interrupted again.

“But Rascal is different…” Joel meandered forward as you closed your mouth with hesitation. You’d never heard him utter this many words in the entire length of his commune residency, and you wondered how long he had kept these thoughts to himself. “Rascal…he doesn’t have to…I mean…he doesn’t have to…murder” Joel finally blurted out, slamming the book shut again as though at war with the material itself. Shaking his head with frustration, he headed over to the mismatched bookshelves and attempted to helplessly organize the haphazard assortment of found treasures. 

“Well, of course, I can’t be sure of Dostoyevsky’s intention, but maybe we have a case of Rascal doing the wrong thing, for the right reason?” you offered, setting your book to one side and rising to join Joel in the organization. “I’m not sure alphabetically sorting this cornucopia is going to be the best Dewey Decimal system…” you stated, beginning to pile books and magazines according to thematic interpretations.

“Horse-shit” Joel mumbled under his breath, pausing to look at you carefully, as though seeing something for the first time, and wondering at its validity.

“Why, how do you wanna organize it?” you threatened, pouting with annoyance.

“No, I just mean…you think he shoulda killed ‘em?” Joel spat with incredulity, placing his hands on his hips angrily.

“Oh! Now hold up…I didn’t say that. Come to think of it, Dostoyevsky didn’t even say that. Think about the dream for a sec…” you gathered up a stack of books, heading over to an empty bookshelf and clearing a space for general works and computer science, however irrelevant those topics currently seemed.

“That didn’t make any goddam sense either! Forgive my french, teach…” Joel sputtered, leaning over the bookshelf, now thoroughly engaged. “Iff you’ve got a mare, good and healthy, what’s the point of slaughtering it, just to prove a point?” he bellowed, smacking his hand against the wooden shelf for emphasis. You jumped ever so slightly at how demonstrative he was becoming, but passion was much better than apathy, you reasoned.

“Yeah, that’s one of the most famous metaphors of D’s writing prowess. You’ve got an exploration of man’s bestiality, the suffering of the horse, the innocence of the child. And Rascal is smack dab in the middle of it. I think the 100’s are all about philosophy or psychology or something like that…” you trailed off, trying to decide where to put the 2015 magazine copy of Maxim.

“Still don’t make no sense” Joel returned to grumbling and shoving books around the shelf distractedly. “He goes to all the trouble of planning the murder, and then doesn’t even hide his crime. Keeps blamin’ everybody but himself. I don’t know, teach, it’s almost like he WANTS to get caught…” Joel tossed his hands up flippantly, huffing like an old steam engine, finally giving up. “More coffee?” he blustered, grabbing your half drunk mug with his own and heading for a refill.

“Well, there’s the rub right there” you agreed, trying to remember all the sections of your home town’s now non-existent library. You thought maybe religion was in the 200’s somewhere… “In Raskolnikov, I mean our buddy Rascal, you see a victim mentality, his own inadequacies and self-sabotage, displaced blame…He’s a big old pot of stew, brewing just below the surface. And then, there’s Plato.”

“Not the friend, right? Talks too much” Joel complained, setting your coffee next to you on the shelf and turning the handle slightly towards you. The small gesture didn’t go unnoticed, as you sallied forth.

“No, not the friend. Like, Plato the philosopher. We don’t have any copies of “The Republic” do we?” you asked, thumbing through the woebegone copy of Curious George you’d stumbled upon.

“Don’t think the bookshop is ready for requests, teach” Joel observed, taking another large sip of his newly refreshed coffee.

“Yeah, I’m getting ahead of myself” you smirked, returning to your task. “Plato was the first philosopher to really start pondering the justice of society. What is considered good? And how do we assess the good of the many versus the needs of the individual?”.

Joel took a pregnant pause, waiting in anticipation for more which never followed. “Well, what’d he say about it?”

“I don’t know, we don’t have a copy of the ‘The Republic’, Miller. Get to work!” you teased, stuffing the copy of Curious George against his chest, which felt like a brick wall under your feathered touch. “Kids section” you decisively stated, looking into Joel’s immovable countenance with joviality. “Something a little easier than ‘Crime and Punishment’”.

“My readin’ level?” he sarcastically quipped, rolling his eyes and looking at the cover.

“Oh no, you’re a man of action around here, I can tell” you intoned, returning to your task at hand. “‘Crime and Punishment’ is written for individuals JUST like us. There’s theory and there’s action, and everything in between. But this old book from the 1800’s is just as relevant as it ever was”. Joel stood before you, resuming his characteristic reticence and gazing at you curiously. 

“I can see why Ellie likes ya” he finally stated, as though casting approval, before disappearing behind a nearby bookshelf to start the kid’s section. Smiling to yourself you winked at Rascal the cat who was purring nearby. Several hours transpired as you and Joel worked together silently, trading books for appropriate sections and slowly making your way through the bookshop and the dwindling pot of coffee. It was nearly noonday when you stood up to achingly stretch, wiping your hands together proudly with the confidence of a hard morning’s work.

“Alright Miller I’m taking off!” you began to shout, turning to find Joel standing a matter of inches away from you. You startled with surprise before crumpling with embarrassment amidst a flurry of anxious giggles. Clearing your throat, you side stepped his broad frame to grab your own copy of “Crime and Punishment” and satchel for the road.

“I mean, ya just got here…” Joel muttered, as Rascal appeared around the corner, attempting to stowaway in your belongings. “What’s the homework, teach?” he shrugged boyishly, casting a glance at his own copy of the classic.

“Let’s see, I think that gets us to the end of Part Two, let’s pick up at the end of Part Three…” you rationalized, kicking playfully at Rascal as it wrapped itself stubbornly around your jeans cuff.

“Alright, you’re bringin’ lunch next time” Joel huffed, returning to the front desk and resuming his recognizable constitution of vexation. Your mouth dropped open with incredulity at his authoritative assumption, before he called after your departing figure.

“Only fair, since I made breakfast” while his face didn’t register any shift in emotion, his voice held a thread of teasing, as you deftly attempted to dislodge Rascal from your ankle.

“You call that breakfast, Miller?!” you bantered, setting the cat atop the nearby quilt, to mewling protestations that were immediately doused by the wintry gale cascading in from the now open doorway. The bell chimed your begrudging departure as Joel looked up from the book directly. 

“See ya tomorrow, teach” he waved with two fingers, returning to his next reading assignment, as you braced yourself for the moderate walk home. Walking a fair pace down main street you hugged the copy of “Crime and Punishment” lovingly to your chest, smiling at the commune’s square come to life with laughing children and approving parents. Pausing for a moment to gaze behind, you could have sworn you saw Joel’s formidable figure standing in the bookshop foyer, looking in your direction, but it was almost immediately gone amidst the flurry of snow and town activity. See ya tomorrow, Miller, you jested, already planning your next passionate…discussion.

@morallyinept @littlemisspascal @wannabe-urs

@beefrobeefcal @sawymredfox @wordywarriorwrites @burntheedges

@janaispunk @inept-the-magnificent @timelordfreya @schnarfer @devineconjuring 

@mermaidgirl30 @mandolover37 @not-a-unique-snowflake-blog @joelmillerisapunk @jennaispunk 

@sheepdogchick3 @marcus-is-my-muse @guiltyasdave 

@copperhalfcent @bluesweaters15 @drewharrisonwriter @darkheartgatita @princesspurple75

@harriedandharassed @brittmb115 @confusedpuffin @zaniasky @quicax3

@shaunasflannel @anelva @shinyanchorobject @flyingthroughtheave @anoverwhelmingdin 

Dieter's Studio; Where is D?

Dieter is in LOVE. He's just not sure if he's met them yet. But in the interim, he's keeping a journal to house all of his inspiration, poetry and recipes, before they fly out of his head. And once he meets the ONE...or ONES...this is going to be his gift to you. Along with those sexy time IOU's he's always handing out. Love this post, and inspired by the Trope-Off...

Trigger: it's Dieter bub so this series will DEFINITELY include profanity, drugs, alcohol, sex, smut and any meanderings D wants...He's endlessly inspired by art, poetry, songs, sex and YOU!

Art Studio

My Darling Dieter,

I love being included on your travels! yes, I've definitely heard of "The Bean" but didn't realize its erotic double entendre as you mentioned. I'm glad you were "flying high" on the Sky Deck without being intoxicated! Where is My Darling D? Yours, J

My Darling Dieter,

Raccoon! I couldn't be more enthralled! The Art Institute looks transcendent! No, I don't know much about Seurat and his method of tapping, but I'm excited to explore it with you when you get home! Sorry these pieces reminded you of me, and that you got a hard on in the museum... Love, J

My Darling Dieter,

Oooh, I think I'm starting to zero in on where you are! It's probably just as well that it's very windy, so you don't light too many cigarettes on your trip there. Enjoy lots of theater research for your upcoming one man show, and come home ASAP! I got a new loofah sponge I'm dying to try with you in the shower... Yours, J

Hey folks! This is J, Dieter's former PA! D has been doing lots of research for his upcoming one man show "Big D Energy; A Retrospective". I've been focused lately on my own health journey, as D continues to excel post-rehab, but he's intent on including me in his travels before returning home. Now that I'm living with him, I've ceased my official PA duties, other than sponge baths, and can't wait to hear more about his next adventures. I think he might be visiting places like the Art Institute of Chicago, featuring artists like Picasso, Seurat, Monet and many more. Where in the world is D?

Pedge's Bookshop The Dinner

Grab a Latte! this seems very appropros for the Coffee Lovers! Check out Extra Cream and Sugar by @itwasntimethatdidit40 before heading into the Bookshop!

Triggers: profanity, Last of Us canon + references, reference to alcohol, MAJOR spoilers for "Crime and Punishment", ex-type return, reference to prostitution, physical altercation, and finally KISSING!!!!!

Series Masterlist

Words: 3.5k

Joel’s gaze was burning with the heat of a super nova as you made the short trek to the medical infirmary for a quick check before welcoming the new visitors to The Jackson Commune. If you had allowed him to speak, you might have had an inkling of his own emotional state, but you were purposefully driven to banish the feelings and the tears that were cascading unbidden through your personhood. 

What the hell was Levi doing here? 

During the tumult of the infected, you were lucky enough to be in the Wyoming Territory, having miraculously found your way to the burgeoning commune, and counting your lucky stars that you had survived. You just didn’t count on Levi being able to say the some thing. No way in hell was Levi going to let go of a good thing once he had it. You had been lucky to escape his clutches the first time. But how could you reveal his questionable background without risking the same of your own?

You found yourselves constantly surrounded by one medical practitioner or another, before being joined by Ellie, who was overjoyed at Joel’s return. Shrinking under the heated glance of Joel’s passionate intensity you had mumbled something about relief at his appearance before practically running out of the infirmary and returning to your own home. You immediately locked the door and shuttered the windows before escaping to your bedroom and hiding under the covers.

This was your worst nightmare come to life. A past you had tried so desperately to escape, and nearly had, before it practically came knocking at the very doorstep of your own community.  Joel had his suspicions, but had he told Ellie? Could he possible know the details of your own “fall from grace”. And why had he brought Tommy and Maria into the conversation? There seemed to be no escape, short of heading out the commune doors and going it alone. You finally let the tears fall, unhindered, lulled into a fitful sleep, wondering how you were going to survive this new, hellish ordeal.

The new visitors of the commune were the focal point of town gossip for the next week. If you didn’t have educational responsibilities you would have isolated yourself completely, hopeful that the incident would just pass over. But your students were alight with the discussion and questions, eavesdropping from every whispered conversation, and anxious for news from the outer territories. The residents of the Jackson Commune were so far removed from any other civilizations, you couldn’t remember the last time a party of this size had “graced” your doorstep. Apparently the patrol had found themselves entirely cornered, and it was thanks to this traveling posse they had escaped intact. But it was a glooming peace that hovered over the townsfolk as they tentatively invited the strangers into their all but isolated commune. There was much to be grateful for, but much to protect and Joel couldn’t have been unaware.

That is to say, you assumed Joel was aware, but couldn’t be sure. Between purposefully avoiding the possibility of seeing Levi, inundated with school responsibilities and dodging another conversation with Maria or Tommy, you had turned into a hermit, surviving on work and anxiety. Ellie had not been present in class, which was not an immediate cause for concern, and in fact aided your temporary escapism from her keen and insightful stare. Ellie would know something was wrong. Perhaps you could avoid the entire Miller Household until this newest threat evaporated or exploded.

But it wasn’t Ellie’s interrogative voice that greeted you at the end of this particular work day. If anything, that warm, sultry voice seemed nearly telepathic as your eyes raised to see the broad frame of Joel Miller pause at your doorway, poised to knock. “Howdy, teach” he lightly intoned, gazing behind him at the squabbling children and rubbing the back of his neck humbly. How was it possible to feel so many contradictory emotions at the same time? Your face flushed with embarrassment, immediately chagrined by your comparative silence, as he haltingly entered the room. “Got a sec?”.

“I’m afraid I don’t have any new homework for you today” you tried to deflect the intensity of his stare, but were arriving unsuccessfully. Something about the Miller Family in all its incarnations, seemed to strip you bare of facade, leaving you vulnerable to their charms.

“S’okay, I’ve got some catching up to do” he smirked, considering the small school desks available before him, and finally deciding on a towering stance in front of your own. “Missed you at The Bookshop though” his voice was surprisingly quiet, but well enunciated. Almost as though it were a secret being dragged from his lips, only for your hearing. You felt your heart stutter within you nervously, noticing his healing abrasion at the edge of his forehead. 

“You look good” you stammered. “I mean, your cuts, they look good. Healing okay?” you bumbled, grasping at any assembly of fortitude and finding none. Joel Miller always left you completely tongue tied.

“Just glad to make it back…”  (to you) he nodded, looking around the school room awkwardly. “Nice place ya got here”.

“Oh this old thing!” you feigned humility, finally venturing a small smile. “It’s no Bookshop, that’s for sure. I’ve been meaning to drop by and see…uh, see that copy of "Wuthering Heights” you promised me!” you rallied, straightening your burgundy sweater that Joel had been so fond of. Joel licked his lips placatingly.

“Got me doin’ your dirty work now” he teased, picking at the desk edge the same way that Ellie did. They really were two peas in a pod. Joel was an amazing father figure. Your heart gripped violently in your chest, wondering at his loss of Sarah, and a previous life you knew nothing about. Could one really escape their past? Or were we forever doomed to be haunted by our deepest cuts and wounds?

“Listen, about the other night” he began, his eyes darkening guiltily.

“Don’t worry about it!” you stopped him, standing abruptly and gathering your things. You weren’t sure what he wanted to say, all you knew was that you couldn’t handle another disappointment. Having Levi in town was bad enough, to say nothing of living up the the commune’s new leadership expectations. If Joel were about to question your motives now, you weren’t sure you could take it. Reaching a long arm in front of your waist, Joel easily halted your escape with the intimidating width of his shoulders, punctuated by a particularly gentle touch that took your breath away.

“Sorry you had to see me like that” he whispered, looking down into your face with real regret and supplication. “Some things I can’t say…in the harsh light of day” he sighed, swallowing dryly as his eyes drifted down to your lips seductively. “Still like that sweater though” he added, smiling dolefully, the air around you becoming hazy and warm, with a hypnotic glow.

You tilted your head down shyly, biting your lower lip, “Just glad you’re okay, Joel. Don’t know what I’d do without you”. You heard a quiet intake of air as he registered your statement internally. The two of you stood in charged energy for what felt like an eternity before Joel continued, 

“So, I’m ‘sposed to invite you for dinner tonight!” he brightened, dipping his head a bit lower to catch your eyesight and slightly terrified expression. 

“Dinner?” you gulped. Heaven forbid you had another confrontation like the one before. Maybe it would just be a quiet night of discussion?

“This time you’ve got the whole Miller Family. Maria wanted to discuss some of the new commune responsibilities. You don’t mind do ya?” Joel questioned emphatically, allowing his hands to drift to his hips decidedly and listening for your decision. Good Lord. The situation was getting worse, but was steadily inescapable. It seemed as though your hands were tied.

“I’d love to” you croaked, shifting awkwardly with discomfort. No way out now. At least this would keep you distracted until Levi and his posse left. “No bramble berry wine this time” you apologized, meeting Joel’s eyes with a twinkle. He nodded in affirmation with a bright smile before heading towards the door.

“Oh” he paused at the doorway, his face immediately darkened with something almost protective or primal. “Levi too…” he spat, visibly struggling with his own distaste. “He’s the leader of our visiting strangers, and they want to petition commune residency”. Your stomach dropped about a foot with the unhappy revelation. Not only was Levi going to be present at the dinner, but there was a chance he was returning to your happy commune existence in a permanent way. You couldn’t find the words as Joel’s jaw ticked angrily. “Something about that guy” Joel trailed off, watching you closely as you grasped helplessly for words. “He a friend of yours?” 

“No!” you finally managed to exclaim before gathering your books and papers haphazardly and stuffing them into your bag. “No friend of mine” you muttered, grabbing your winter jacket and breezing past Joel quickly before he could ask anything else. “See you tonight!” you called behind you, already terrified at the unsavory proposition.

“Miller House! Seven sharp, teach!” Joel’s concerned voice rang after you, as you wrapped yourself tightly against the bracing wind. It seemed that things could not get worse.

Things had gotten steadily worse as you approached the Miller Household. Not only were your hands tremulously shaking beside you, your heart was palpitating a mile a minute, faced with the dual conundrum of attempting to unmask Levi’s intentions without betraying yourself and your questionable past in the process. Poised at the front door, you might have stood there for an eternity, if Ellie hadn’t opened the door briskly, looking as though she were going to hug you.

“Thank God!” she exclaimed, pulling you by the scarf abruptly into an uncharacteristic hug and slamming the door shut dramatically behind you. Whispering quietly into your ear she muttered, “Levi the dick is here…”. Attempting to hide a timid smile, you removed your winter coat and shakily entered the dining area. At least you had one person on your side. Rounding the corner you were greeted by a sight more intimidating than any classroom or clicker ambush; Tommy, Maria, Joel and Levi were all seated formally at the dining room table, awaiting your entrance. Joel stood immediately, his eyes softening from the hardened glare he had been directing towards Levi before your appearance.

“Hey teach” Joel’s voice rumbled lowly in the room as Maria waved with encouragement, “Won’t you join us?”. Levi had a crocodile-like smile, dripping with metaphoric honey as much as poison. Wonder where he kept his fangs?

“What a surprisin’ reunion! Ain’t that right, Teach?” Levi sweetly drawled, poised to pull out your chair before Joel did so himself, barring Levi’s attempt with his own broad shoulders. 

“We were just talking about you” Joel smiled tiredly, offering an encouraging squeeze of your shoulder under Levi’s watchful gaze.

“Tommy tells me you're the school marm, and I’m not a bit surprised!” Levi began, reaching for food without anyone’s permission. Spewing biscuit crumbs immediately across the table he continued, “Teach and I go waaaaay back, ain’t that right? She’s real good at meetin’ people’s needs AND followin’ orders. Once you grant our continued stay here at the commune, we’ll be able to REALLY catch up…” he nearly threatened, with enough bravado to overshadow the entire evening, as Joel stared fixedly in his direction.

“Well, now that everyone has assembled let’s start the discussion and the dinner! Ellie, you and Joel have done a wonderful job hosting us this evening” Maria took control of the conversation before Levi completely dominated it.

“S’no trouble” Joel muttered, shifting his gaze from Levi to you, his countenance immediately crumbling as he noticed your terrified expression. 

“Levi, we couldn’t be more thankful for your assistance during the Elk Creek ambush. Sounds like you arrived just in time…” Maria thoughtfully offered, beginning to pass the bowl of green beans around the table.

“My posse and I couldn’t be more pleased, ma’am” Levi drolled, reaching abruptly across Ellie to grab the bowl of green beans, entirely unaware of her scowling grimace. “‘Spect you could use some more strong men to help lead this growing commune…”. You could have sworn you heard Joel mutter some quiet profanities under his breath, but kept your head lowered shamefully.

Maria paused, momentarily annoyed, but continued onward. “Funny you should mention new leadership. We’ve just offered our resident teacher a new administrative position she has happily accepted”. 

Ellie beamed appreciatively, making a small congratulatory fist, “Alright, teach! Way to go!” You lifted your head slightly to catch a small nod from Joel offering a similar encouragement. The dinner table became decidedly more quiet as Levi’s countenance darkened bitterly.

“S’that so?” he toyed, setting the bowl down delicately and turning his attention towards you. “Never woulda figured teach as a leader type…” he feigned thoughtfulness, reaching a hand under the table and grabbing your upper thigh possessively. Joel caught sight of your shift in posture, as he began tightening his fists at his sides. Something was wrong. Why were you letting Levi push you around like this?

“Do you wanna tell ‘em sweet pea, or should I?” Levi threatened coyly, gripping your thigh painfully as tears began to threaten at the edges of your vision.

“Tell what?” Tommy hesitated, looking to Maria for support. You gritted your teeth stubbornly, wringing your hands quietly in your lap. 

“Hey, doucheface, why don’t you take your hand off her leg before I stab you with my butter knife” Ellie’s pointed accusation held more ferocity than you would have guessed, as you flashed on her former confession. In that moment, you had no doubt whatsoever that she could make good on her threat, but you felt a sense of nausea, placing her in such a tenuous position.

“Maybe it’s time for you to leave” Joel’s voice was barely audible, as Levi carefully removed his hand, placing it upright in a mock surrendered position.

“No harm, right teach?” he looked to you with superficial humility. “I just wanna tell ‘em what a great worker you were…you know…in the time before? You were always REAL good at meeting’ people’s needs. Satiatin’ their desires and such…” he proceeded slowly, increasingly aware of his volatile position.

“Don’t…” Joel threatened, gripping the dining room table as though he would about to shatter it into a million pieces.

“Joel…” Tommy cautioned, rising out of his chair slightly, attempting to grab hold of the situation.

“This isn’t a job interview, Levi. What if you told us more about you and your group…” Maria shifted with discomfort, hugging her belly protectively, as Ellie stiffened in defense of your vulnerable position.

“Yeah, Joel, no harm in listenin’” Tommy attempted to placate, moving slowly as though towards a cornered animal, and trying to gently situate himself between his brother and his nearby wife.

Joel’s eyes seemed to impale you with the emotional force of a dagger, as he looked to you for confirmation. A single tear fell lightly to the plate before you. There were no words. Joel knew everything already. But now he was about to get confirmation of your greatest fear, your biggest shame. The memories that kept you up at night, and the desperation that shrouded almost every joy.

“Just think you would want to know your resident teach was the absolute best girl I had the privilege of employin’…in the time before. What’dya say teach? Give ‘em a quickie, for old time’s sake? Looks like Joel is sweet on you already…”.

Levi barely had time to finish his sentence before Joel shoved him backwards to the floor, pinning him and the dining room chair violently to the ground. Levi kicked powerfully, against the table, sending it into disarray, but Joel had a knee positioned strongly against his chest and a forearm squeezed tautly against his windpipe. Tommy quickly moved Maria out of the way defensively before trying to peel Joel off of his target.

“Say more…” Joel growled, in a nearly feral tone you had never heard but often suspected. He knew. This is what he had known, but never said out loud. But there was no reason or rationale in his mind at present. His vision was a wash of red, turbulent red, as he watched Levi’s eyes bulge in desperation. Ellie sprang to her feet, grabbing the nearest carving knife and setting herself between you and the flailing form of Levi, whose face was starting to purple intensely.

The room was heated with a buzzing electricity as you raised your eyes with rapt attention to the man splayed before you. “Joel…” you whispered, his head immediately snapping back to see your tender and nearly angelic expression. “Let him go…”. It was as though a switch snapped in Joel’s mind, as he immediately loosed his grip, Levi sputtering and coughing pathetically on the floor. Tommy hoisted Joel to his feet, before he had a chance to change his mind.

“Looks like you better get goin’ soon, Levi” Maria threatened, still holding her stomach, eyes blazing with fierceness, as Ellie twirled the carving knife slowly in her hand.

Levi stumbled precariously to his feet, as Tommy grabbed Joel instinctively around the shoulders, attempting to hold him in place. “Get out” Joel spat, his knuckles a whitened fervor as he clenched his jaw with the last bit of restraint he had. Levi rubbed at his neck incredulously, looking around the room in defeat before shuffling to the front door dejectedly. 

“Guess we’re not wanted” he rasped, before flinging the door open to the winter’s bite. “I’ll be seein’ you, teach!” he cast an enigmatic accusation your way before trudging through the snow angrily, his silhouette beginning to disappear in the snowy tundra. The dinner party stared after him in awkward silence as small flurries of snow coldly circled into the living room.

“Asshole” Ellie muttered, breaking the tension slightly and tossing the knife onto the table brusquely.

“Language” you jokingly whispered, but your voice cracked in emotional defeat. Who were you to chastise anyone? Who were you to instruct the next inspiring generation of young leaders, when you had made such questionable choices in your youth? How had you been so foolhardy as to think you could escape the desperation of your past, in a newfound desperation of the future?

“Didn’t like that guy from the get go” Tommy offered, leading Maria back to the table gently and setting a hand firmly on her shoulder.

“Truth will always out” Maria nodded, placing her hand shakily on the dining room table and breathing deeply. “Give a man enough rope and he’ll hang himself…” she darkly added, glancing up to see your crumbling countenance. “Teach, this doesn’t change a thing…” she began, but you were already headed out the open doorway.

“Thank you for dinner…” you sobbed, grabbing your coat and running out the door as fast as your boots would carry you. Fairly certain that Levi had headed the opposite direction, your only goal was to make it home, before the rest of your dignity collapsed around you.

Joel stood completely transfixed like a statue, nearly paralyzed with the indecision of his own forceful emotion until Ellie’s voice rang out, “Go Joel! Go get her!”.

Don’t have to tell him twice. Joel bulldozed through the center of the living room, not even stopping for his own coat and racing after you doggedly. The snow immediately nipped at his aching knees, but he wasn’t letting you go. Not again. Not when he had so much to say, and no earthly idea how to say it. He didn’t consider himself an eloquent man. But when there were no words, his actions had always spoken volumes.

Finally reaching your faltering form, he grabbed you emphatically by the elbow and whirled you around to meet his gaze. Your eyes were already red from crying, body shuddering in despair as you struggled half-heartedly in his grasp.

“Don’t listen to him!” Joel shouted over the din of the surrounding winds. “We need you at the commune…I need you!” he felt the words tumble precariously from his lips, but he didn’t care. Seeing the anguish painting your face had unlocked a passion within him that he hadn’t let himself truly feel in years. He couldn’t let you go. Your knees buckled slightly with the intensity of his unexpected words, as the hot blaze of tears continued to cascade, unbidden down your snow kissed cheeks.

“Joel…I…” you stuttered nervously, bracing yourself against his broad chest and sinking your weight against him. The seduction of the moment was moving you like two, fated magnets, against the storm, until his lips were mere inches from yours. He hesitated for only a second before smashing his mouth against yours, his jaw violently moving in supplication, like a prayer. Caressing over, and over, and over, as your soul leapt to meet his. You weren’t sure how the commune would eventually react, if news of your scandalous background ever reached the probing ears of town gossip. But in that moment of passion and acceptance, you knew you had truly found a new beginning. A new reason for living. A new home.

You had found Joel.

Through the Valley

Thank you to @auteurdelabre for our beautiful coloring book! Pedge and I have been in mourning, and trying to avoid Joel Miller at all costs. Imagine my suprise when I discovered this image felt pretty Joel-coded. I paired it with the lyrics as sung by Ashley Johnson...

I walk through the valley of the shadow of death And I fear no evil because I'm blind to it all And my mind and my gun they comfort me Because I know I'll kill my enemies when they come Surely goodness and mercy will follow me all the days of my life And I will dwell on this earth forevermore Said, I walk beside the still waters and they restore my soul But I can't walk on the path of the right because I'm wrong Well, I came upon a man at the top of a hill Called himself the savior of the human race Said he come to save the world from destruction and pain But I said, "How can you save the world from itself?" 'Cause I walk through the valley of the shadow of death And I fear no evil because I'm blind Oh, and I walk beside the still waters and they restore my soul But I know when I die my soul is damned

*never damned to me honey

@littlemisspascal 

@lizette50 @beefrobeefcal @sawymredfox @anelva

@wordywarriorwrites @burntheedges @inept-the-magnificent @timelordfreya 

@schnarfer @devineconjuring @mermaidgirl30 @galaxyedging @joelalorian

@joelmillerisapunk @jennaispunk @sheepdogchick3 @marcus-is-my-muse @guiltyasdave 

@copperhalfcent @bluesweaters15 @drewharrisonwriter @darkheartgatita

@harriedandharassed @brittmb115 @confusedpuffin @yorksgirl @quicax3

@shaunasflannel @shinyanchorobject

Pedge's Fave 2024 Things A Year of 1sts

@jolapeno Started a lovely end of the year wrap on some of our artistic contributions, and I want to play too! I mentor other artists, but I still have a hard time showcasing myself. Sometimes the whole thing feels so juvenile (#selfjudgement). But I get so much out of the writing process, and one of the big things I've been learning lately is the enjoyment of Love, that comes without entitlement or possession. Just experience :) So here it is! My first writing year on Tumblr, some of the projects that healed me, and the writers who inspired them. Let's keep expressin'! Baby's first...

Get to Know Me! (started writing so many fics I had to organize!) Make Your Own Kind of Music (fanart for The Unbearable Weight...) Pike's Place (we really popped the cherry on this one...1st collab.. 1st series, 1st trope challenge, 1st Christmas, 1st trailer...final episode New Year's Day, thanks @inept-the-magnificent) @burntheedges Summer Camp (Pedro Scouts was the bomb. These were my first Tumblr activities and I learned a ton...) @goodwithcheese My Darling Muse (Dieter Bravo combines art and poetry with his personal assistant, J...sparks ensue ) temporary hiatus...D is in rehab...again Over-Protective Mom (Bitmoji Mood Board) Afterglow Series (intimacy w/ Pike, Javi, Pena...who's next?) Pedge's Jukebox (writing inspo. for other writers, short fics about Pedro characters + music) Blood Sucking Witch (getting dark w/ Max Phillips for Halloween...) Unmasked (Christmas Disaster! w/ Din Djarin) @beefrobeefcal Thanksgiving Delights (praise kink w/ hubby Marcus Moreno) Pedge's Bookshop (Last of Us Canon, Joel and J deconstruct "Crime and Punishment"...with smut lol) Dead Dove December (SH and ideation w/ Joel, mature) @romana-after-dark

Pedge approves :)

Hold You Me

Awww...these cute patoots. Pedge and I managed to get sick, but I think it's a good sign that my immune system is rebooting. I've been having so much fun with our coloring book, it's very meditative. Also working on a new Tim Rockford fic that parallels "In Cold Blood" for Pedge's Bookshop.

*the original post from IG @elviralind

I know there's a lot of discord regarding the positive and negative use of AI, so I just want to transparently share. After rendering as a photoshop sketch I trace and then detail colorize by hand on my i-pad. The whole process takes about 24-48 hours. I ABSOLUTELY do not have the ability to free hand this beauty, it's just a hobby and a way to relax...

Afterglow Series Workplace Benefits

*thank you @almostfoxglove for the sexy moodboard, I'm inspired!

The Afterglow Series is more focused on intimacy and unexpected situations, so please imbibe accordingly. Javier Pena is so voracious, I wanted to explore what would happen if he met his match.

Triggers: Prostitute POV, empowered woman in a safe transactional relationship w/ Javier Pena that evolves into more vulnerability, a little physical aggression, profanity, alcohol use, aftercare, crying (there's always crying), P in V, a little more smutty than most of my stuff, more valiant attempts at Spanish however inaccurate...

Series Masterlist

You loved your job. It wasn’t the type of thing you could easily discuss with your sister and the futbol moms. But you felt empowered as fuck, and prostitutes were more protected than ever. To be honest, you didn’t really think of yourself in those terms. What you thought of was the money and the sense of power you felt, holding important men, quite literally by the balls. And Javier Pena was one of them.

You’re not sure when, but at some point, things had begun to shift. At first, he came over for a quick whiskey and a fuck. And then one time, he arrived on your doorstep, already drunk and cuddly as a teddy bear. You don’t think he even remembered, leaving $100 bucks on your nightstand and thanking you for a “good time”. There was a routine of sorts, and sometimes he was flat out aggressive, but you never had a problem with that. As long as he paid, you were happy to incur a few bumps and bruises, and knowing he left happy, your income was relatively secure. But last week, he came by, perfectly sober and ready…to talk? It wasn’t a DTR, that would be ludicrous. He just wanted to talk. You kept trying to lure him to bed, but he endlessly deflected, making you laugh till you nearly snorted iced tea out of your nose, ordering  tacos from the seedy joint downstairs, and still leaving $100 bucks on the nightstand after you fell asleep watching tv. What the non-fuck was going on?

Today seemed like the routine as per usual. He’d shown up on your doorstep, raring to go, whiskey in hand and lust pouring from his steely gaze. Several breaks in, he’d enjoyed himself profusely and you found yourself being pounded from the back, as his sweaty hips thrashed against you loudly. Until….you had a problem. You were cumming.

The day had been fine, you’d already had several clients and were looking forward to seeing Javier in the evening. Feeling relaxed and unfocused you hadn’t realized your body was careening out of your control until this very moment. A quick surprising breath caught in your throat as you attempted to stifle a low moan…

“Que?” Javier questioned, as though telepathically linked to every nerve in your body.

You tried to play it off as one of your many performances, “Oh Javi more! So wet, so wet…” until you realized those statements weren’t a fabrication. Your legs were already trembling and the room was starting to spin around you.

“You like that, pobrecita?” he kept a relentless pace, jack hammering into you from behind. “You never tell me what you like…” he grunted appraisingly.

Your eyelids fluttered shut of their own volition as the silvery thread of arousal coursed through your veins fluidly. This can’t be happening, your mind stuttered, attempting to divorce yourself from the powerful sensations ebbing through your body. You prided yourself on your professionalism, but quite honestly, you didn’t get into this career for…sex. Most of the men that came to you were escaping a disappointing home life or were otherwise sexually unsuccessful, so their last concern was your pleasure, and that was fine for you. No reason you needed to be vulnerable in the workplace. The money was compensation enough and you could pleasure yourself on your own time. But Javier Pena wasn’t a regular guy, and when it came to sex, he was actually good at it. He came for his own pleasure, but that included yours, and he was down to try anything. Honestly, it was just a matter of time, but you had remained irresolute and focused up until now. And now, you were cumming.

The harder you tried to swat the idea away, the stronger the impulse grew. Small tendrils of pleasure that pulsed at your core, stuttered breaths that caught in your throat, whimpers of ecstasy that escaped from your mouth; Javier was devouring it like a man starved.

“There she is…” he drawled, grabbing you by the throat and hoisting you backwards until your back was pressed against his sweat glistened chest. “Are you going to cum for me, hermosa?” he panted into your ear, as you shook your head slowly.

“No, no, no” you had dropped all pretense of performance, realizing your body seemed to be acting of its own accord. You dropped your hands to your clit, rubbing in quick circles now desperate to get off.

“Mine” Javier growled into your ear, grabbing your wrists and yanking them around his neck as he angled up into you, harder still. You cried out in anguished ecstasy, confused at the unbidden sensations tingling throughout your being.

“M-m-more…” you began to mumble incoherently, no longer concerned with the loss of control, and only focused on your pleasure and nothing else.

Javi tipped you forward violently, re-situating himself in a seated position, and then abruptly pulled you back onto his lap, pistoning up into you at the most  delectable angle. Your entire body seized up in a pre-orgasmic throb. He gripped you tightly, calloused fingers palming your breasts, kneading and pinching as all thought left your mind completely. You were a ray of light, pleasure itself, his heat sheathed inside you, piercing the darkness and eradicating everything else. You’re not even sure if you spoke out loud, but the primal awareness that you were cumming, clouded time itself, until there was no denying it anymore. You threw your head back against his shoulder and cried in a silent scream, softening into a guttural moan of euphoria. Your body was fluid, liquid gold, dripping and melting over his hard figure. He worked you through your release until you pulled at the nape of his neck, weak with overstimulation. He drew his palm down the front of your salt soaked body and then flipped you around in a tangle of arms and legs, nearly collapsing on top of you, lowering you to the bed.

In the dull recesses of your mind you felt the throb of embarrassment, but not yet cognizant enough to grasp it with any enthusiasm. Holding onto your cloud of your contentment, you were vaguely aware of Javi’s absence, assuming he had left the appropriate amount of money on the bed stand and made a quick exit. You felt your heat twitching and throbbing with the loss of his presence, but thankful he had left you to your own mortification. It had been so long since you felt comfortable enough to enjoy yourself with someone else, you were nearly shocked it was still possible. You swallowed dryly, blinking away the tears. Damn endorphins, you sniffled, freezing as a figure appeared in the doorway with a washcloth and water.

“Drink, hermosa” he commanded as your eyes widened to saucer shape. He was still here. Was he angry? Did you just lose your best customer, and this was the swan song? Appraising your silence he brought the glass of water up to your parched lips tentatively, eyeing you with slight concern. You started shivering slightly as your body attempted to regulate itself into normalcy. “Are you hurt?” he demanded, sitting on the edge of the bed and lifting you to a seated position so you could drink.

You shook your head slowly, devoid of intelligence as the tears began to dry on your cheeks stickily. You flinched with surprise as he began rubbing down your legs and mid-section with the washcloth. “Shh, shh…” he shushed, as though coddling a small child as your body relaxed with relief and exhaustion.

“You don’t have to do that, Javi” you muttered softly, grabbing his wrist gently, but as yet unable to meet his eyes.

“Porque, eso cuesta mas?” he pondered, a small smirk shadowing his countenance.

“I’m not charging you for tonight” you murmured, turning your head away from him in defeat, until you felt him reach around and draw your chin back towards him.

He drew his thumb across your lower lip, not saying a word, a pained expression pinching at his eyebrows unexpectedly. “Inestimable” he whispered, almost to himself, kissing you lightly on the lips and withdrawing to the bathroom. You sunk down on the bed, unsure of what might happen next. Your ears were still ringing from the high, and your body felt like a heavy weight drawing you further into the mattress. You heard the soft click as Javier shut off the lights and crawled into bed with you tentatively.

“Puedo quedarme un poco mas?” he paused, his body hovering above yours.

You bit your lower lip in the dark, pondering the uncharted territory. No one ever asked to stay. Should you charge for that? Your thoughts were becoming more muddled and your eyelids heavier still, as you wordlessly tucked your body into the crook of his side, huffing a small sigh of defeat. No more thinking. Just sleeping. Javi wrapped his arms around you, breathing deeply at the crown of your forehead. 

“Smell good” he mumbled into your hair, as you started to drift into darkened oblivion. He was rocking you ever so slightly, and you didn’t have the energy to make any arguments whatsoever. You hadn’t felt this content in a very long time.

Swallowing dryly, your eyes blinked into the sunlight, hearing the motorcycles putter to life in the streets, and the vendors selling Cafe Caribe for the morning commuters. You sat up abruptly, reaching sideways to feel the cool sheets under your fingertips, noticing the hundred dollar bill grinning at you from the bed side table. Next to it, you saw the small cardboard cup, steaming with the chocolate aroma of your morning cafecito, note scribbled hastily across it…

“Thanks for the f@ck, hermosa. See you next week”. The small heart drawn in the corner winked at you as you smiled to yourself.

You loved your job.

*thanks @samspenandsword for the dividers!

My Darling Muse + Pedge's Jukebox

Hey folks! This is J, Dieter's PA. Two dynamic worlds have combined to bring you this Very Special Episode of "My Darling Muse" and Pedge's Jukebox. Just to be safe, I'm going to include triggers from both series and advise you to proceed with caution. Dieter was particularly saucy but told me to leave as is so I don't "sully the purity of artistic expression". Totes.

Dieter is in LOVE. He's just not sure if he's met them yet. But in the interim, he's keeping a journal to house all of his inspiration, poetry and recipes, before they fly out of his head. And once he meets the ONE...or ONES...this is going to be his gift to you. Along with those sexy time IOU's he's always handing out...

Triggers: it's Dieter bub so this series will DEFINITELY include profanity, drugs, alcohol, sex, smut and any meanderings D wants...He's endlessly inspired by art, poetry, songs, sex and YOU!

Music may involve profanity and adult topics, short description of character's interactions with music, smut. All playlists will attempt to utilize music or groups that Pedro Pascal has referenced at some point. Get your headphones and enjoy!

Dieter's Deets (Spotify)

*Dieter always paints with his playlist blaring loudly. He says it summons his mind muses. *Obviously, Dieter can make love in just about any situation imaginable (insert here). He once had a passionate love affair with Cirque de Soleil. In any case, if music is not in the background, Dieter has been known to start singing mid sexcapade. Not well. But with…enthusiasm. *Dieter is a pretty sensitive guy, and has learned through trial and error that music and drugs are a poor combination. Depending on his vice of choice, Dieter can be found enacting the lyrics of his favorite pieces, which was particularly detrimental during his Doja Cat era… *Dieter is not allowed to attend Broadway musicals anymore. He would often go to see friends in aforementioned productions like “The Color Purple” but would start singing along at any opportunity, and was kicked out…several times. *After the nebulous success of “Cliff Beasts 6” Dieter has found new success with his TikTok account. Run by J, his PA, Dieter has posted several tutorials of his well known dance moves, which can also be seen in movie theaters around the world. *Dieter has informed J that he is only allowed to listen to the song “Pedro” by Omar Apollo five times a day, so he doesn’t become too dehydrated from sobbing hysterically. *Dieter has been using his playlist to explore components of his “Divine Feminine and Divine Masculine”. He can either be found in a pink, silk mumu dancing to “Tomboy” by Princess Nokia, or mostly naked in a tool belt and construction hat dancing to “I’m Still Standing” by Elton John. *As is widely known on social media, Dieter got his tentative start in a short, European adult film before transitioning into more cinematic masterpieces. What isn’t widely known is that he was cast not only because of his sexual fluidity, but also because of his monologue. After Dieter performed a dramatic version of “Let’s Talk About Sex”, he was hired on the spot. He was also sleeping with the creative team, but that is inconsequential… *Dieter once auditioned for a musical (before he was permanently banned from Broadway) for the role of the Piglet in the highly anticipated horror flick “Winnie the Pooh and the Hundred Acre WOOD”. After singing his audition cut, the director said Dieter was far too scary. Dieter concurred. *As you know, Dieter launched a controversial digital yoga program after his filming experiences in “Cliff Beasts 6”. His signature moves promise flexibility, increased libido and alleviation of lower back pain, but share little with common, legitimate yoga practices. Exercises are recommended with this playlist and are creatively termed by Dieter as: The Studmuffin, Fuck Position, and Fluttering Vulva.

*thanks @animatedglittergraphics-n-more for the cool dividers!

Pedge's Bookshop Before...

Grab a Latte! You deserve a sweet treat! Why don't you check out "The Book of Love" from @jolalibrary before heading into The Bookshop!

Triggers: profanity, Last of Us canon, MAJOR spoilers for "Crime and Punishment", references to prostitution/murder/suicide/pregnancy/alcohol, bar-room proposition, spiritual ponderings...

Series Masterlist

Words: 3k

Ellie’s laughter devolved into an impish snort as you scoffed from the sidelines. “What do you call an alligator with a vest?” You rolled your eyes placatingly, though secretly wondering what the answer was. “Huh, Teach? Give up?” You playfully tossed a copy of “Another Country” into her lap for the Literature Section. “An inVESTigator! Get it? VESTigator?” she doubled over in obnoxious laughter as you smirked by the adjacent bookshelf.

“Soon I’m going to suggest you add more of these puns to your project and papers” you teased, determined to bring order to the History and Geography section, such as it was. “How’s it coming with ‘Crime and Punishment’?” you mused, shaking your head slightly at the sorry condition of George Orwell’s copy of “1984” as it crossed your vision. Ellie poked her head out from the nearby aisle, suddenly intense. 

“I love it” she bantered. “I’m way ahead of Joel, he got stuck at the funeral dinner. Snake Eyes finally did himself in, and Rascal is thinking about confessing to Sophia” Ellie’s eyes sparkled victoriously. Your face registered a somewhat feigned look of shock and awe, as you inhaled quickly.

“Joel is falling behind on his homework assignments! I’ll have to dock points for that mis-step” you jested, heading over to the wood burning stove for your second cup of coffee.

“I guess we can cut him some slack after all these patrols” Ellie mumbled, obviously concerned, as the afternoon hours laboriously passed. You nodded your head solemnly. It had been your recommendation to put Levi and his posse to the test via controlled observation and limited patrol participation. You wanted to give Maria some viable options, you just hadn’t realized it was going to absorb so much of Joel’s time away. The thought of Levi somehow manipulating Joel, or negatively influencing his viewpoint was more of a worry than you had realized.

“I miss him too” you muttered quietly, as the front bell rang amicably. Rascal the Cat answered with a happy meow, as Maria tentatively entered The Bookshop.

“Anybody home?” she questioned, as Ellie’s face optimistically brightened.

“Hey Maria! When are you going to pop?” Ellie toyed, skipping towards her playfully, joined by Rascal underfoot.

“I AM starting to feel like a balloon” Maria shook her head exhaustedly. “I’m loathe to admit it, but the new visitors have taken on a lot of the commune patrol responsibilities, which is helpful. I just wish I knew more about them…” she paused distractedly. “I take it Joel isn’t back yet?”.

“Still on the latest patrol” you mourned, looking around The Bookshop dejectedly. You longed for the days of relative peace, before the visitors had joined your otherwise safe environment. “Oh! I set aside some reading material, if you wanted it!” you chimed in, grabbing a small stack of maternity related material. Some of it was obsolete at best, but you hoped it might provide a sense of comfort.

“Ah! Thanks Teach, we like homework too!” Maria smiled, patting her own tummy affectionately. “Reminds me of my law-school days…” she took the stack of books, setting them maternally on her hip. “Can you let Joel know I dropped by?”.

Ellie winced sensitively. “I’ll tell him, but you know how Joel is”. Maria rolled her eyes sympathetically.

“He thinks I don’t like him” Maria stated straightforwardly, looking around the cozy interior of The Bookshop appraisingly.

“You said it, not me” Ellie retorted, shrugging her shoulders.

“I’d love to blame my hormones, but he’s not entirely wrong” Maria offered, huffing with exasperation. “He’s family, after all. I know he shares a deep bond with his brother. It’s just a time in Tommy’s life I was never connected to. I guess I’m just a cynic…” she grumbled.

“Sounds like a Mama Bear to me” you smiled encouragingly. “A leader”.

Maria chuckled skeptically. “Well, soon I won’t be able to do as much. I’ve got to acknowledge that” she begrudgingly admitted. “Tommy just mentioned Joel’s observations from the redemptive strike at Elk Creek, that caught my attention…”.

“Like what?” Ellie demanded, already suspicious. You swallowed dryly, curious as to his perceptions, but simultaneously anxious. What had happened once Levi joined the expedition?

“Ellie, this isn’t a council meeting, and you’re still a kid” Maria chided, shifting the books to her other hip deftly.

“Right, cause I don’t already live with the guy who never says anything?” Ellie countered, already gently willing to spar, even with a pregnant, adult woman.  Maria pursed her lips thoughtfully.

“He just said…” Maria stopped abruptly, cautiously considering once again. “Joel said they barely made it out alive. If Levi and his posse hadn’t shown up, he wasn’t sure if the patrol party would have survived. They were really hunkered down, and the renegades had the upper hand…until Levi…Well, something about help showing up at exactly the right time. But even Joel said there was something about Levi that seemed…unhinged.”

The Bookshop fell silent as you considered Joel’s observations. That sounded accurate, based on your previous interactions, over 20 years ago. You hadn’t immediately experienced anything overt under Levi’s employ, but there was always something about him that was morally deficit. A kind of existential boredom that seemed to permeate everything he did, or didn’t do. You wondered at his beliefs, or his passions, when he didn’t seem to have any. Even his rage and passion seemed to have a dull, almost inhuman quality to it and there always seemed to be a certain bankruptcy of spirit, in all of his choices. In your time together, he often seemed to falsely declare a liberalism of mind, or a freedom of philosophy, but when all things are permissible, there was a certain moral abdication that must be present. If nothing is really evil, than how can you actually tell what is good?

“I don’t trust that guy” Ellie growled, distractedly looking out the window, as though hoping Joel were already back from the afternoon patrol. You set your jaw resolutely, attempting to withhold judgement. The Miller Family had offered you a tremendous amount of compassion and mercy. You couldn’t, in all honesty, ignore their charity, you just weren’t sure if Levi was a worthy recipient.

“I wonder if Joel and Levi aren’t more alike than dissimilar…” Maria almost whispered to herself before Ellie responded with incredulity.

“You’re shitting me!”. You and Maria both cocked your eyebrows sky high, anticipating the emotional barrage. “Yeah, yeah, yeah…language, language, language. You cannot compare that douchebag to your own brother-in-law!” Ellie placed her hands on her hips in a decidedly Joel-like posture as Rascal smugly stared back. “You know Joel is the reason I’m even alive, you should be thanking him for everything he does!” she took an accusatory step towards Maria who placed a hand up placatingly.

“You’re right, you’re right…” Maria surrendered, lowering her gaze to the ground. “Just something I can’t figure. Call it hormones, call it intuition. I don’t doubt Joel’s intentionality for one second, but that’s not something I can say about Levi”.

Ellie nodded curtly, temporarily sated. There was no world where you would consider Joel in the same breath as a man like Levi…and yet….Maria was right. There was something about Joel that continued to be mysterious and enigmatic. Dark and seductive. It was easy to see, having delved into the deeper spaces of your own past, and equally pointless to ignore it. Perhaps at some point, it would finally be time to reveal those true secrets that remained in the haunting shadows.

You and Ellie worked for several more hours before she headed home to complete the day’s tasks. Joel should be arriving in the evening hours and you had tentatively opted to meet at the Tipsy Bison to celebrate his return. You were excited to update him on The Bookshop’s progress, but inwardly perseverating on the earlier conversation. Would Joel’s mysteries ever reveal themselves? Every human was capable of tremendous atrocity, and the only thing separating a saint from a sinner, seemed to be an intentionality of spirit. Or, as Maria had previously said, so many of us are one and the same. Your mind was already swirling with questions by the time you entered the potent bar atmosphere.

You didn’t often frequent the Tipsy Bison, instead preferring a quiet night at home, reading a book, or recently, avoiding the likes of Levi and his gang. But if you were going to take on a more administrative role in the commune, you needed to objectively consider Levi’s petition for commune inclusion. Joel had already brought more confidence and acceptance into your life, it was time to step into that security and stop deflecting. Time to stop being so afraid. If Levi’s presence allowed Maria a respite, and added protection to Joel’s already dangerous patrols, you wanted to believe you could overcome your own sense of insecurity.

You tentatively stepped up to the counter and ordered a whiskey, neat, anticipating Joel’s arrival sooner rather than later. One of the commune residents was quietly playing a guitar in the corner, and individuals were grouped in conversation and activity around the cozy room. You had just begun to settle in, when the noisy group from the patrol abruptly barged inside.

Your breath immediately hitched in your throat, looking for any sign of Joel, but unintentionally catching the lascivious grins of Levi’s gang. You weren’t sure what Levi had told them exactly, but it can’t have been good. Where was Joel? Maybe being here alone wasn’t such a good idea. As if on cue, one of the visitors sallied up to the bar, decidedly close to you, as you watched his hands twitch menacingly at his sides.

“Well hey there pretty lady, Levi tells me y’all are old friends…” he drawled, revealing a yellowing set of teeth. His rancid breath fanned across your face as you attempted to hide your immediate repulsion. 

“I wouldn’t call us friends, per se” your steely glare didn’t give the unwelcome visitor any cause for misunderstanding, but that didn’t stop him from grabbing your upper thigh possessively.

“Maybe MORE than friends?” he spat, digging his fingers into the flesh of your thigh, as raucous laughter echo’d around you. It had been a long time since you found yourself in a situation like this, but you felt your entire body tighten like a wound coil, poised to pounce.

“Best to leave her alone…” a familiar voice interrupted, as the hair on the back of your neck bristled uncomfortably. Rotating slowly in acknowledgement, a grimy hand gripped the visitor’s shoulder threateningly. You were unsurprised, but dismayed to see the foreboding profile of Levi enter your periphery, as the visitor stalled in their proposition.

“Just some harmless fun, s’all” he attempted to back pedal, before Levi shoved him to the ground stolidly. 

“Get your drink and move along” Levi threatened before watching him shakily stand to his feet and slink away into the corner. Levi’s lip curled upward, smug in the opportunity to act as your unbidden savior in this moment.

“Thanks” you muttered, your lips a thin line of vehemence, attempting to bite back a sarcastic diatribe. Damned if Levi didn’t always show up when you least wanted to take advantage of any opportunity under false pretenses. 

“My pleasure” Levi whispered into your ear, a tingling band of revulsion abrasively shooting down your spine. “Always like to act the hero…” he muttered, breathing in your fragrance deeply, before the bar doors opened once again to reveal Joel’s broad frame.

His hair was wetly slicked back, having apparently stopped at the house for a quick shower before joining you. You shivered slightly under the spell of his powerful and well-timed appearance, as Levi slowly withdrew to the shadowed corners with his cohorts. That was close.

Joel strode purposefully towards you, wrapping a protective arm around your waist. “You okay?” he pointedly asked, waving the bartender away. You nodded succinctly, not entirely sure if the answer was yes, warily watching Levi from where he lecherously looked on.

“Let’s get out of here…” you grumbled, downing the whiskey in one shot and shrugging Joel’s concerned touch from your back. The ensuing laughter echo’d behind you as you burst through the bar doors and began trudging through the dirtied snow.

“Will ya wait up a second?” Joel called after you, his knees already aching from the long, daily patrols. You were gripping your sides tightly, attempting to ignore Joel’s penetrative gaze, burrowing forward into the wintry wind. “What’d he say? Did he hurt ya?” Joel stopped you, looking into your face for any indication.

“He was my go-between Joel!” you shouted, shrugging with exasperation. “I thought I’d never have to see him again, and here comes every vestige of my past, threatening my very real future!” your voice cracked with defeat. Joel ran his hands warmly up and down your arms, offering solace and a listening ear. For some reason, it only added fuel to your irrational ire. “The only thing you can count on Levi for is ruining a good thing!” you tried to explain, twisting out of Joel’s strong grasp, nearly slipping in the snow. Joel widened his stance to brace yours, grasping at your waist in solidarity. “What has he told you? Are you all trading tales about the slut? Don’t tell me he hasn’t tried!” you shouted into Joel’s face over the din of the seasonal bluster and nearby bar sounds.

“I don’t give a fuck what Levi says or thinks!” Joel returned, your eyes widening softly at his immediate transparency. “Only thing I care about is you, Teach!” he held you solidly in his grasp, anchoring you to the iron core of his protective nature. You sniffled timidly, taking in his meaning. “Now can we go home? It’s freezing out here and my back is killing me!” his eyes crinkled good-naturedly at the corners, as you smiled tenderly. You nodded emphatically, as Joel wrapped his arm around your shoulders, tucking you in to the steel-like nook of his side. Stumbling together, you headed back to the Miller household, casting an occasional glance behind you at the receding town bar. You almost expected Levi to haunt every opportunity from here on out. How would you be able to find a moment’s peace with the ever-present and nebulous foreboding of Levi’s enigmatic personhood? Finally reaching Joel’s house, you both paused in the living room to see Ellie’s bedroom light casting shadows down the stairwell.

“Already talked to the kid” Joel gestured, shaking flakes of snow out of his hair and off his shoulders. “Said that Maria dropped by today with some questions…”.

Your mouth parted with surprise. Here you were, worried about Levi’s influence and you hadn’t even mentioned Maria’s. “She’s just as naturally suspicious of Levi as I am. As we ALL should be” you warned, keeping your voice secretive. “You didn’t tell me he saved your life” your voice gained a newfound warmth as your eyes brimmed with tears. Levi might be a lot of things, but if he really had saved Joel’s life, that was a debt you wouldn’t be able to easily repay.

“Hate to admit it, but it’s true” Joel confessed bitterly. “If he and his posse hadn’t shown up when they did, we wouldn’t be talkin’ right now. Don’t mean I trust the guy. But I’m not above using him to protect what I love” he finished confidently, taking you by the hand. You swallowed the lump of emotion that had unexpectedly risen in your throat, leading him to the couch and sitting together quietly. You gazed pensively at the fire, now dwindling by the hearth, Joel’s copy of “Crime and Punishment” sitting on the coffee table before you.

“You know, I was thinking about that quote from Svidrigaylov this afternoon when Ellie and I were tidying up” you began, laying your head lightly on Joel’s shoulder. He hummed with approval, kicking off his boots and resting his feet atop the hand made coffee table.

“Good 'ole Snake Eyes. Ellie says I won’t have to listen to him for much longer…” he mused, yawning tiredly.

“She’s right” you agreed. “Before he dies, he talks about his beliefs. His ideas about eternity…”.

“Wouldn’t think a guy like Snake-Eyes would have any beliefs to speak of” Joel’s voice rumbled lowly in his chest, buzzing against your skin.

“He doesn’t. He manages to fool even himself, up until the end. He wonders at man’s desire for a vast forever, an eternity that is redemptive and never ending” you pondered, leaning forward for a moment and thumbing through the pages of the book.

“Here…he says, ‘We always imagine eternity as something beyond our conception, something vast, vast. But why must it be vast?” Joel shifted with discomfort, unsure how to answer Dostoyevsky's literary question. “But what if eternity is one little room, black and grimy with spiders in every corner?” your voice trailed off suddenly unsure, watching the embers of the fire die down into flickering remnants of their earlier glory. “What if he’s right?” you finally asked, turning your head upwards to meet Joel’s gaze.

“Who? Snake-Eyes?” Joel scoffed, his jaw ticking curiously from side to side. “Hell, I don’t know, Teach. I’m no philosopher” he paused to listen to the crackling fire as it breathed its last. “A man would do…almost anything if he believed it was right. But a man with NO beliefs? What kind of eternity is that?” Joel whispered, almost as though to himself.

You didn’t know the answer to that question. There were so many unknowns in a world of constantly shifting ideals and dangers. You snuggled closer into Joel’s side as your eyelids drooped heavily with exhaustion. No more questions for tonight. Just the fire. And Joel. And the hope that tomorrow would have more light than the current darkness of night. A belief that somehow, Love might prevail, whether you understood the future, or not.

Use Somebody Song Fic

It's finally here! As per the amazing Song List by MK Frazier, y'all voted on Pedro's favorite selections and the results are in!

Triggers: Soft Dom dynamic, smut, toys, feather, edible wax, silk restraints, safe words, consent, M oral receiving, unprotected P/V in committed relationship, hair pulling, tummy kink, F is described as able bodied/long hair, exploration of intimacy...

I've been roaming around, always lookin' down at all I see Painted faces fill the places I can't reach You know that I could use somebody Someone like you and all you know and how you speak Countless lovers under cover of the street Off in the night, while you live it up, I'm off to sleep Wagin' wars to shape the poet and the beat I hope it's gonna make you notice Someone like me I'm ready now Someone like you…

You looked over at Pedge who was laughing uproariously, eyes alight, watching the television screen like a little kid. The corners of your mouth turned up in delight, but truthfully, you weren’t watching the tv at all. It’s true, Pedge was enough to distract anyone from the allure of the cinema, but you had been particularly silent all evening, twiddling your thumbs with a grandiose plan. You bit your lip in anticipation as the commercials began to scroll and Pedge muted the tv.

“That wasn’t even scripted. It was totally improvised, I mean if you can believe everything you read on the internet…” he reached over to massage your upper thigh as you jumped about a foot.

His eyebrows shot up in surprise as he halted his ill-timed massage. “You know, you’ve been really quiet all night, did you want to watch something else?” he ventured, shutting off the tv.

Your response became even more tight lipped as your eyes widened to saucer shape, chewing on the inside of your cheek.

“Babe, did I miss something? Everything okay at work?” Pedge started to spiral slightly, unsure of the tone of your upcoming conversation.

“I’m a little…embarrassed…” you began “…or…excited…Maybe both? I’m not quite sure what I’m feeling…”.

Pedge held his breath hesitantly; imagination running wild.

“I’m a little unsure of my next therapeutic request…for our…sexy time adventures…”. This wasn’t coming out the way you had rehearsed in your mind. So much for the art of seduction.

Pedge breathed a small sigh of relief, moving his hand back up your thigh reassuringly, “There’s nothing you can suggest I’m not open to” he smiled. “I mean, I can’t promise to LIKE everything, but I’m a pretty open minded guy. Lemme have it.” He placed his hands in his lap, obediently, waiting for your next move.

“The Dom/Sub dynamic…”

“YES!” he pumped his fist theatrically, eliciting small giggles from you immediately at his enthusiasm. His face resumed an overtly somber expression. “Go on.” You started to breathe normally again, delighted with his expected response, but relaxing your shoulders as he began to massage your feet.

“The Dom/Sub dynamic has caught my attention once again…”

“Babe, let me stop you right there. In anticipation of your request I’ve ordered a few…accoutrements for our sexy time adventures, but I wasn’t sure if you’d be interested…” he began.

Your mouth fell open in surprise, eyes squinting with incredulity. “I’m sorry, have you been developing your powers of telepathy?” you laughed, crawling onto his lap in a smooth motion and placing your hands on either side of his patchy beard.

“That’s correct. I can tell you’ve been doing the same, since you divined my pursuits” he joked, layering his hands over yours and kissing you lightly on the mouth. “Is this what you’ve been thinking about all evening?”

“Yeaaaaaah….” you pouted “but it’s a bit more complicated, as usual…” you continued. “Everything I was reading about never made any sense. I mean, not for me and my desires. There was all this stuff about humiliation, and degradation…and whips and shackles…”

“WHIPS AND SHACKLES?” his eyes lit up even more than before, grinning broadly from ear to ear and digging his fingers into your waist aggressively.

“Hold up there, mister!” you laughed, squirming underneath his touch “As fun as that sounds I might have to work up to it” you admitted. “I’m a soft Dom”.

Pedge halted for a second, aligning himself with what you just said and swallowing loudly. “A soft dom” he phrased it not as a question, but as a statement, opening himself up to the possibility.

“The softest” you whispered, sucking on his neck with feather light kisses. You felt his body shudder underneath you slightly as you blew a light breath over the wet marks your lips had left. “I’m actually a little concerned for your safety” you teased, somewhat jokingly, but with caution.

“I can be soft” he intoned, chest rumbling with depth.

“You’re not gonna be soft…” you reached down to start massaging his length gently “you’re gonna be hard” you began, feeling him melt underneath you and twitch with anticipation.

“When do we start?”

Pedge may have purchased a few items of interest, but you had been planning this possibility for a month. You set up a small table of toys at the side of the bed, as Pedge lay excitedly, waiting for instruction, and thumbing through the bondage cards in his lap.

“Are you ready for me?” you called from the bathroom, prepping yourself with nervousness.

“Honey, after that monologue you gave me in the living room, I don’t even know what to be ready for…” he admitted “I guess I’m….ready for anything!” his voice cracked slightly trying to find a mix of confidence and vulnerability.

“Okayeeee, ready or not, here I come!” you taunted, emerging from the bathroom in the pinkest of negligees you had ever purchased. Your breasts were on full voluptuous display, and the pink lace parted at your crotch for easy access. Pedge’s mouth dropped open, voraciously drinking you in, as the cards sloppily fell to the ground.

“Oops!” you giggled, dropping to your knees and sweeping up the cards for later games, and placing them back on the table.

“What do I do first?” he whispered, unsure of where to put his hands.

“Well, this is all about consent. You’re gonna give me an enthusiastic yes for everything before we do it” you drawled, watching his head nod in agreement. “It’s not a game, this is very real” you assured him, slowly picking up the large pink feather from the bedside table.

“What’re you gonna do with that?” he grinned brightly, rubbing his feet together with excitement.

“Just relax, sir. If I tell you everything that’s going to happen tonight, you’re not going to be surprised. Close your eyes for me”. Pedge snapped his eyes shut quickly, palms up on the bed, waiting for…something. You smiled to yourself, twirling the large feather in your hand. Oh this was gonna be fun. And nobody was gonna get hurt in the process. You were gonna take this man’s soul apart, and put him back together again.

You saw Pedge trying to steady himself, breathing deeply. One minute went by. Two minutes. You looked over at the table of toys in amazement. Silk restraints, a pink paddle…your eyes widened at the…spreader bar? You bit your lip with anticipation, moving to the side of the bed stealthily, feeling a powerful throbbing sensation between your legs, slightly intoxicated with the soft power flowing through your veins. When you finally dangled the feather above his belly button he jumped with sensitivity, hissing in surprise.

“Sorry babe, this is kind of uncharted territory” he apologized, opening one eye to find you gazing down at him intently.

“Was that a little too soft?” you questioned licking your lips hungrily, drawing the feather up and down his torso and between his legs.

“Don’t know” he laughed with some embarrassment. “I’m not used to being this…uh…pliant. But I’m all about the YES!” Pedge shifted innocently, balling his fists tightly alongside him on the bed. “Relax” you whispered into his ear, watching him melt into the mattress as you dragged the feather over his face seductively. Ghosting your lips over his face, his jaw, and his neck. Watching his chest rise and fall quickly, unsure of which sensation to anticipate next.

“It’sall pretty new” he sighed, relaxing his fingers and wiggling slightly in an attempt to relieve the tension. You smiled with acknowledgement, reaching over for a new toy. 

“I can see that” you observed, relishing his online selection with inquisitiveness and lighting a candle to prep.

He cleared his throat with momentary discomfort, “Yeah, we can indulge our inner arsonist…as long as we don’t accidentally light the apartment on fire” he laughed, jaw immediately slackening as you dangled the candle precariously over his soft stomach. He tried to stifle a loud gulp as you tentatively dipped your pinky in, to check the temperature. “It’s a little hot” you warned, bringing your finger into your mouth and sucking the wax.

Pedge bobbed his head enthusiastically, all words momentarily flung out of his mind.

“Strawberry! How’d you know?” you twinkled, dragging your tongue across your teeth like a Cheshire Cat, beaming at his proud response. Dipping into the melted wax you plunged your coated finger into his belly button eliciting a soft hum as he twitched underneath contentedly. 

“More” he whispered, “please”, attempting to calm the shake in his voice.

You felt the corners of your mouth tug upward as you began to drip a messy, snaking line of edible wax across the plane of his stomach. Now salivating as his skin glistened and puckered, you heard him hiss beneath you, writhing with the tickling sensation. Carefully setting the candle back, you crawled up and straddled his hips drawing a long, strong swipe of your tongue from navel to sternum, never breaking eye contact to see his response. His eyes darkened, white knuckling the sheets with intensity.

“That tickles” he rasped.

“I thought it might” you managed to get out before sucking at his nipples and nibbling down his torso. It was a pretty messy venture, licking and biting to catch all the waxy remnants. His hands gently gripped your head, massaging his fingers through your scalp.

“Is this okay? Can I touch you?” his voice had a gravelly edge to it, as you sucked into his navel.

“Absolutely” you mumbled into his belly button, relishing the strawberry snack. Finally reaching his happy trail you inhaled deeply, moving the tip of your nose in a broad circle, soaking in the musky aroma of his arousal and moaning with approval. Pausing to breathe and resting your chin just above his stomach you noticed his forehead wrinkling in concentration. You reached up to draw your fingers across his eyebrows. “Look at me for a second…”, you coo’d watching his eyes fly open confusedly.

“Am I doing it wrong?” he blurted out with concern.

Reaching up to circle your fingers around his nipples and pinching playfully. “No such thing, my honey” you dripped, feeling pools of desire between your legs, magnetically drawn to the steady heat of his body. You dragged your hands broadly down his sticky, wax coated chest.

“I don’t know any ‘supposed to’s’ really. I just like the way you feel. I wanna make sure you like the way you feel…” you explained, drawing your fingers down his sides and back up, watching the goosebumps splay across his honeyed skin. “Did you know that you have all the power right now?”

“I do?” he sparkled, completely mesmerized by the soft, open creature atop him.

“Yeahhhh…” you sighed, reaching over for the silk restraints and drawing them between your fingers seductively. His eyes glazed over as you drew his wrists together in front of his body, placing them over his stomach.  “But sometimes you don’t want that…” you started to wrap the silken fabric loosely around his wrists, kissing his fingers and biting at them softly.

“I don’t” he uttered somewhere between a question and an answer, completely lost in this new activity and your hypnotic stare. You leaned forward, vibrating into the soft suckle of his mouth as he exhaled beneath you.

“Oh yes” you breathed. “You can already feel yourself losing control just a little…”

“I can” his eyelids fluttered shut as he absentmindedly bucked his hips slightly with anticipation. 

“Tell me how your body feels” you questioned, gently sucking on his earlobe.

He swallowed dryly, keeping his eyes closed with determination. “I’m feeling…floaty…a little nervousssss…” he inhaled quickly with surprise.

You had reached behind you to hold his length in the palm of your hand, feathering your fingertips down the shaft and arriving at the tip which was dripping precum. He mewled happily as you slid your body down his torso, grabbing at his chest and nuzzling your face back into his manhood. Hovering over his stiffening member you decided to kitten lick the head, swirling the fleshy underside of your tongue around the tip and enjoying the salty taste.

“That’s okay, because you’re going to feel softer and softer and softer…” you VERY carefully grazed your teeth over his plumping length “as you get harder and harder and harder”. A whisper of a moan flew from his lips as he desperately tried to stay still.

Keeping your eyes trained on him you gently suckled at the tip, bobbing your head lightly and fluttering your tongue in butterfly like movements.

“Oh gawwwwd” he broke the silence, nearly startling you with the force of his voice “Fuuuuuck…” he whimpered, a nearly pained expression crossing his face. “It’s….uhgn…so….OH…soooooo….” you reached up to massage the underside of his quads and buttocks. Sucking and massaging and swirling and pinching.

Pedge started babbling incoherently, his sentences occasionally laced with words, “Baby it’s….OH GOD…I can’t quite….OH GOD…if I just….OH GOD…”. You could see a film of sweat start to coat his forehead, shining in the candle’s flickering light, as he bit his lower lip, nearly drawing blood.

Your eyes grew wide with intensity, trying to read his body and the many sensations. You felt that quintessential tightening in his lower body and a light tremor, but truthfully, something seemed a little off. You slowed your approach, watching his face relax with relief, and pull your lips down his member with a satisfying pop.

“Honey? Talk to me, do I need to go slower…” you asked with concern.

He seemed at a loss for words, eyes glazed over with an unreadable emotion.

“So much” he was breathing heavily, collapsed back on the bed, voice nearly cracking with effort. You quickly reached up and undid the restraints. 

“Do we need to stop?” you tried to hide the urgency in your voice, but your worst fears were starting to materialize in your imagination. You tenderly massaged his wrists and kissed the inner palm of his hand cautiously. “Why didn’t you use your safe word? Did you forget?” your heart started fidgeting wildly in your chest. Pedge caught his breath and gathered his surroundings again, taking you in with the tender gaze of his brown eyes.

“Honey” he started, tearing up ever so slightly. “Is this what it’s like for you?” he ventured, rubbing his eyes with emotion and trying to pull himself back together.

“What do you mean?” you asked in a hushed tone, wildly concerned you had overstepped.

“So beautiful” he reached up and cupped your face with one hand. “So beautiful” he repeated, as you closed your eyes and hummed contentedly. “I can’t…” he dropped his hands with exasperation. “I started floating away” he laughed tiredly, falling back on the bed with incredulity. “It was like…I couldn’t say no” he covered his face with his hands in embarrassment.

Your cheeks reddened with pride, pulling his hands lightly away from his face. “We can stop if it’s too much” you drew your finger across his bottom lip. “Are you having a hard time letting go?”

He nodded. “I just wasn’t ready for how soft everything was…I’ve never felt…like that…Like…I was you. Or, something weird. Like…my body…wasn’t here…or….it was everywhere….Jesus, what candle did I buy???” he started laughing with abandon.

You smiled, giggling with relief, “Should we stop now?” you thumbed his chin playfully, waiting for further instructions.

“Gawd no!” he whined, lifting you underneath your elbows and biting at your neck. “That was fucking amazing! I just need another chance…I’m the YES man!” he seemed to get a second wind, determined to demonstrate his willingness.

Your entire countenance collapsed with relief, hugging him tightly and passionately kissing him till you were both out of breath.

“Okay, take two” you smiled. “Now we know what we’re doing, that was just the sexy time rehearsal” you smirked, starting to move your hips in a circular motion over his stomach. Pedge took a deep breath, grazing his hands over your breasts and massaging lightly.

“Understood” he swallowed.

“And you remember your safe word?”

You started sucking lightly at his neck.

“YES!”

“And you’re going to use it if you feel yourself going somewhere you don’t like?”

You kissed down his sternum and swirled your tongue across his mid-drift.

“Oh yes….” he whimpered, begin to harden again underneath you.

“Because you want to let go for me…You’re such a good boy, aren’t you?”

You looked up to see him wordlessly mouth “yes” as you massaged his length up and down

You eased down to notch the tip of him at your dripping entrance as he brought his hands under the orbs of your ass, in a basket hold. Slowly, so very slowly, you lowered yourself onto him, taking in every delightful inch, sheathing yourself around his member. Dropping your head forward, your hair cascaded around you both in messy ringlets, pressing your hands into his chest for support. A low groan rumbled through his sternum as you both took a moment to enjoy the connection of your joined bodies, breathing in tandem and moving to intertwine your fingers through his locks of hair.

“You’re minnnnne….” you growled enticingly, eyes lustfully at half mast, drawing your fingers harshly across his scalp and pulling the hair taut. “Do you want that? Do you want to be mine?”.

“Minnnne, ohhhh, yes…soooo…much…yourssss….” he repeated as you circled your hips in a languid pattern.

“And you’re going to let me use you” you moaned, gaining intensity and moving your hands lightly to the sides of his neck, as he drew his knees up under your body for leverage.

“Uuu—-uuuu—-uuse me” he started to intone, beginning to unravel underneath your body.

“And you can just let…” you gasped slightly, feeling him twitch inside you “you can just let go, because I’ve got you. I’ve got you…I’ve got you…” you started whispering on repeat, overwhelmed by the intimacy of the moment and floating into your own euphoria.

You felt P’s hips stutter and begin to shake with abandon, gripping the base of his neck as the pleasure intensified beyond belief. A white hot, searing light began to radiate through your core, rushing upwards and sideways and engulfing your body in flames of desire. Completely overwhelming, completely overpowering. You heard your voice release in ecstasy, outside of your own body, aglow with sensation.

In a haze of weightlessness and timelessness you felt P pulse underneath you as you fluttered around him. Strong arms gripped you around your torso as he came hard with ribbon after ribbon of heat, pouring into you and through you and dripping out of you. Melting into each other’s bodies you fell sideways in an embrace, intertwined in delight. Breathing heavily, you floated between disembodiment and pure clarity, feeling his length housed securely in your sex, still throbbing around him.

Being still. Coming back into your own body, feeling your breath expand outward, piecing your soul back together, your eyelids fluttered open to regain a sense of reality. 

And there he was. Eyes closed in rapture, smiling contentedly, lips parted peacefully. 

Yours. 

You kissed him lightly on the mouth, and as though breathing life into him, his eyes opened, reflecting dark pools of tranquility. You lay, nose to nose, breathing one another in and out for what seemed like an eternity, afraid to break the moment.

A single tear slid down your cheek as he reached up to wipe it away.

“Yes” he said. “A thousand times, yes”.