Poetatwork - Poet At Work

“We need to remember that we are all created creative and can invent new scenarios as frequently as they are needed.”

— Maya Angelou

Happy Mother’s Day to all the mothers who love their daughters dearly despite not liking them all that much. My mother has never liked me as a person (or at least, not since I’ve become the person I currently am) - my personality is in many ways at odds with her’s. Where she is strategic and deliberate I am impulsive and passionate. We are both incredibly emotional but in distinct and clashing ways. That said, my mother has showed up as my greatest ally when it’s mattered and has given me all that I need to thrive. She may not particularly enjoy my presence - and, quite frankly, may never have hoped for a daughter like me - but she’s stuck by me regardless. I think that’s an incredibly pure form of love - endurance and tolerance in the face of contradiction and misunderstanding.

I have been reading this book called Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, or Self-Involved Parents by psychologist Lindsay C. Gibson.

It's mostly aimed at people looking to heal from emotonally immature parents, as the title says, and I really like that in order to discuss emotional immaturity she takes the time to define what emotional maturity means and what it looks like, citing the multiple sources on which it has been studied.

I thought it was a handy reference to assess how I'm behaving and how the people around me behave, so in case it turns out useful for anyone else, here's a summary of the section she wrote on emotionally mature people.

Definition of Emotional Maturity

Emotional maturity means "a person is capable of thinking objectively and conceptually while sustaining deep emotional connection to others" (pg. 28).

Traits of Emotionally Mature People

In summary, emotionally mature people:

can function independently while also having deep emotional attachments, smoothly incorporating both into their life

are direct about pursuing what they want, yet do so without exploiting others

have differentiated from their original family relationships to build a life of their own

have a well-developed sense of self and identity

treasure their closest relationships

are comfortable and honest about their own feelings

get along with other people thanks to well-developed empathy, impulse control, and emotional intelligence

are interested in other people's inner lives

enjoy opening up and sharing with others in an emotionally intimate way

deal with others directly to smooth out differences when there's a problem

cope with stress in a realistic, forward-looking way, while consciously processing their thoughts and feelings

can control their emotions when necessary

anticipate the future

adapt to reality

use empathy and humor to ease difficult situations and strengthen bonds with others

enjoy being objective

know themselves well enough to admit their weaknesses

(These are largely verbatim as they come in the book)

Also, as I understand it, these behaviors/techniques/characteristics are supposed to be learned from the adults in your life, so if you lacked a guide to teach you, it makes sense if you don't know how to do all these, either. But it is your duty to teach yourself now.

So when you’re longing for an emotional connection, remind yourself that your painful feeling of aloneness is coming not just from your individual history, but also from human genetic memory. Just like you, our distant ancestors had a strong need for emotional closeness. Your need for attention and connection is as old as the human race.

Lindsay C. Gibson, Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents

I will be gentle with myself today.

Albert Camus, from a novel titled "The Fall," first published in 1956

“A long time ago I learned not to explain things to people. It misleads them into thinking they’re entitled to know everything I do.”

— Lisa Kleypas

It’s weird how everyone hating you when you’re nine years old still affects your self esteem when you’re 26 like yeah nobody came to my birthday party but that was like 17 years ago why is it stopping me from going to a gay bar

Alright tell me in the tags, what’s Your Poem? That poem you heard once and it has dwelt within you ever since?