The Bachelorette - Episode 6 Recap

It's really, really hot out, everyone. The heat is oppressive all across the country, and we here in Chicago have our very own Heat Advisory in effect until 10pm tonight. 10 pm! That is long after the sun will go down!

So, to bring you a little relief from the beating rays of Apollo's golden carriage, peruse these pictures of some excellent animals being the opposite of hot. Click the pictures to enlarge them and get really into the whole Eisbaer experience.

Henley Monday -

Hi everyone. I'm so hungover today I feel like I've been impregnated by a Dementor. I feel that close to a soulless, trance-like existence that is worse than death. Please accept this picture of repeat offender Chris Pine with his piercing blue eyes in a henley as payment for my soul back please.

I'll be over here in the dark with a cold compress and lots of tea.

I love you all.

Class dismissed.

The Bachelor - Episode 6 Recap

Let's get this started, y'all! In the words of Montell Jordan - thiiis is hooow we dooo it.

The crew this week heads up to one of my top ten places I want to visit before I die: Lake Louise in the Canadian Rockies. Boy am I jealous of these crazies. Along with the promise of beautiful scenery, is the promise of Tierra having an extreme hypothermic episode in which all her mascara goes bye-bye.

Man do they love using the music from Intervention to score dramatic scenes in this show. I mean, they are definitely the same level of intensity so it makes sense.Sean is really excited because did you know? He loves the outdoors. He is an outdoorsy man.

The women are thrilled to be at their fancy hotel too, but concerned about Sean after he was so serious at the last rose ceremony. Lesley somberly says, “Honestly, you could tell it – on his face.” Now, to be fair, Lesley is one of the more intelligent girls there but help me out, girl.

Catherine, who is vegan but has managed to only mention it once, bless her, is going on the first one-on-one this week. She’s pretty adorable, and I kind of am hoping she becomes a front-runner. She beams at the camera, “I know today is just gonna be perfect,” and looks like a cuddly woodland creature.

Cut to her standing on the middle of an ice-field completely alone and presumably freezing her vegan ass off. She tells us she was “scared as hell” and then over the hill, appears a snow trekking vehicle from the Ice Planet Hoth. They play and giggle and have fun all their merry way in the snow bus, and then they play and giggle and have more funsicles up on a glacier! They are basically bunnies. They are bunnies.

They share some hot chocolate from a thermos (ROMANCE), and Catherine says she hasn’t had chocolate since she was “like, four”. Which is a HUGE missed opportunity to consume delicious beverages on her part. I also have to wonder if it’s Vegan, because even the powdered stuff have dehydrated dairy in it, no?

Sean tells us that Catherine has passed “the Blizzard Test” and then tries his hand at comedy one more time by saying, “Canada, eh?” to Catherine and boy does she giggle! They are discovering what comedy is together! Ha, ha, ha, oh, JOKES!

THEY GET IN A SURREY WITH THE FRINGE ON TOP to take them to the dinner portion of their date in an ICE CASTLE. BUT SURREY WITH THE FRINGE ON TOP. It’s very romantic and nice. Then Catherine tells a sob-story about how one time a tree fell on her best friend and killed her before her eyes when she was twelve. Now, look. This is terrible. This is indeed traumatic and probably formative, but relevant? Not sure. Important to your romance? Probably not? Whatever, Sean eats it all up and is googley eyed over her.

To let her know just how special she is, Sean gives her the rose like he’s given to all the other girls who are still here at least five times.

GROUP DATE. We have an exhilarating challenge that will follow a canoe trip across Lake Louise. Based on yesterday’s relay race, this will not be the easiest day. Also, once again, Sarah the girl with one arm is forced to do an activity best served by two hands and two arms. But, surprisingly, she does really well and aces it.

Lesley is in Sean’s boat and all the other girls are jealous that she volunteered to be in his boat when he asked.

When they reach the other side of the lake, Sean reveals that they will be completing a polar bear plunge! It’s a glacial lake, so the water is just above freezing. The girls are not obligated to complete this challenge, but Sean reminds them that YOLO. Then two Canadian life guards trot out to safety brief them. The girls look miserable. Selma is refusing. Tierra scowls. One lifeguard is ginger and looks like he has never seen other people before despite being a lifeguard. Maybe he’s a moose lifeguard, or bear lifeguard, or tree lifeguard because get it? There are no people in most of Canada.

Most girls are hesitant. Lindsay is thrilled. All we know is that it’s freezing but looks fun. I’ve done a polar bear plunge on New Years before and it is indeed exhilarating, but also painfully cold. That’s not really important. I just wanted to toss that out there.

With a selection of hikers watching, Selma prissily tells Sean no way will she do this. He half-heartedly encourages her to try it, but you can kinda tell he doesn’t care either way. Then Selma reminds us she is from Bagdad and doesn’t do cold, but she was also pissed that he brought an Iraqi to a desert so I guess there’s no winning with her.

The girls SCREECH into bikinis then SCREECH to the water’s edge, then SCREECH as they all take the final steps into the plunge and then, you guessed it, SCREECH as they run back to the tent to a flimsy little terry cloth robe. Somehow everyone’s makeup looks great. Then they SCRECH to camera about how great it felt, and how fun it was, and I’m like “YEAH, IT’S GREAT! I’M PROUD OF YOU TOO” and I realize I’ve been watching a lot of this show this week.

Then tragedy strikes. Tierra is gasping for air and hunched over and her makeup is dripping down her face like a monster. The ginger wildlifeguard has his time to shine as they wrap her in space blankets and race to a car to warm her little body. Faking it. She’s faking it.

Dez and Catherine see the emergency scene and are very concerned! They have no idea who it could be, and therefore don’t know it’s Tierra faking an illness once again. The medical team does very official work, and stabilize her. While they stabilize an already stabilized Tierra, she hunches and shakes like baby fetus Voldemort before Peter Pettigrew dumps him into his rebirth-soup.

And as she’s being wheeled into the lobby to get to the clinic, she squeaks out “I’ll miss time with him” in baby voice and then I die. I’m dead you guys. I’m a ghost. Tierra killed me. If you can manage baby voice, you are NOT EXPERIENCING HYPOTHERMIA.

Meanwhile, the rest of the group canoes back across the lake. Catherine and Dez rush to Tierra’s side to find out the actual f**k is going on. When asked, Tierra responds, “We had to jump in that glacier.” Yes. The glacier is a thing into which one can jump and then experience hypothermia, not Lake Louise the lake everyone’s been talking about non-stop for two days.

The producers of this show continue to be my best friends by cutting together scenes of the other girls arriving back at the suite to say how wonderful and fun the plunge was while Tierra gets her hair blowdried by a producer and then she’s in a robe with someone attending her feet while she shoves a cheeseburger in her psychotic mouth.

As she coyly hooks oxygen up to her face, Sean pops in to see how Tierra’s doing. She’s nothing but bashful and attention flirting. She says, “This guy better marry me!” as a funny joke to Sean and he somehow laughs instead of running for his life out of the room. “You keep managing to get one on one time with me,” he whispers. YEAH. Yeah. That’s accurate. He tells her she needs to sit out the dinner party that night, and yeah that’s really gonna work with that one.

The women seem to think the night will be daisies from here are excited for more time with the boyfriend they all share. Lesley and Sean make out. Sarah shows him pictures of her family, and he responds like anyone being forced to look at pictures of someone else’s family: with thinly veiled boredom.

Like clockwork, we see Tierra getting ready back at the hotel. She’s not having any fun. Baby Tierra needs to have fun and constant stimuli or she gets sour and fakes a disease. “I’m crazy cuz’ I’m wearin’ heels,” there’s that, and a whole bushel basket of other reasons you should be institutionalized, Tierra. But have fun at the party! Everyone super wants you there! Hope you get the rose!

She walks into a freshly silent room full of women who were talking about her seconds before. Then Lesley calls her a “Tierrorist” and I laugh! That’s a good one, Les! I really mean it, no sarcasm!

As he and Tierra talk, what I’m most struck by is that he not only likes this woman but can more than stand the sound of her voice. The sound of her voice makes me wish I was hanging out in Hades.

But look at that. Lesley gets the rose. Tierra’s look could kill. She obviously went to the party because she thought she had an automatic rose, but guess what, NOPE.

So the party ends, and the girls get back to the hotel, but then Sean walks in because he just “doesn’t see a forever” with one girl. It’s Sarah. He pulls her out. This is not good. This poor girl. Ooh, here we go.

Sarah does not see this coming. He lets her down gently, but she is sad, sad, sad. He says he feels he’s been trying to force a connection with her, and that he didn’t feel anything in the kiss they had tonight. Rude, but also honest, but also OH MY GOSH POOR SARAH! She’s totally done with the conversation.

He lets her go back to the room to pack her things, and as soon as he walks away she breaks down. It’s a rare moment on the show when we see raw, human emotion, and it’s hard to watch. She’s so sad because she feels like this has happened to her so often before. She’s wondering what’s wrong with her that guys always tell her she’s beautiful and amazing, but don’t want to be with her. GIRLFRIEND. Let’s hangout and eat ice-cream. You are the best. I’m sorry for having to go through real shit on TV.

Now it’s time to continue in Fear Factor Bachelor for Dez’s second one-on-one date! They take a nice long hike up a mountain, then Sean drops the bomb that they’ll be repelling to their picnic below! They trot out the MOST CANADIAN MAN OF ALL TIME to safety prep them for repeling. The MOST CANADIAN MAN OF ALL TIME is very friendly and teaches them how not to die. Sean creates the metaphor for how repelling is just like a relationship.

Dez manages to look adorable in her harness, and I’m pretty mad about it. No one looks cute in harness. Everyone looks terrible and bulgy in them. Except for Dez. She whimpers a lot of the way down, but Sean cheers her on with words and kisses, and they make it! Then Dez creates a metaphor for how repelling is just like a relationship.

They eat a picnic in a meadow and kiss grossly. Then they are candidly adorable and have a tree-climbing race. They race to climb up a tree and then kiss in the tree and it’s precious. Then they wreck it by shouting “Hello, Canada!” and man do these people love to shout about where they are.

Deep in the dark woods, the lovers happen upon a romantic teepee. Yes, that’s correct, a teepee. It’s pretty cute and probably offensive. They have a lovely conversation about how her childhood was tough because her family didn’t always have a home. She is a jewel of human. He gives her the rose for being the best.

Thank God we’re finally at the cocktail party. We’re almost there. Tierra is wearing a giant faux fur scarf over a flowy white dress. It’s weird. Selma decides she’s going to go against the wishes of her traditional and conservative family and kiss Sean. She sets it up very strange and leans in for a cold, fish-lipped, kiss that one might bestow upon an elderly aunt who insists you kiss her on the lips.

Sean and Lindsay make out a little.

Then AshLee decides to take control of giving up her control. Sean said he felt like she was struggling with trying to control everything, so she decides he will blindfold her and lead her around to symbolize her relinquishing control. This woman cries a lot. She has ghosts from her past, sure, but hold it together a little woman! It appears to all be worth it because he leads her to a bench and then kisses her face. It’s a little romantic, but it’s hard to get into a guy kissing a blindfolded girl.

In a real nail-biter of a rose ceremony, Sean sends home Daniella and Selma. Boy, I really hope Selma doesn’t regret compromising her morals for a bad kiss with a guy who wasn’t really even feeling her all that much. Also, good-bye sweet Daniella. You are as beautiful as you are dumb, may the publicity of this show bring you far in your broadcasting career.

Ok, kids. I’ve got a piece of strawberry cheesecake in the fridge with my name literally on it. I’m gonna eat that real quick, and dive right into the next recap! See you soon! XOXO

Henley Monday -

What day is it? What month am I in? Where in time do I exist? I DON'T KNOW.  I just don't know right now. I'm incredibly discombobulated and under extreme duress, so YEAH I totally forgot Henley Monday yesterday. But listen, listen, listen here is a really, truly wonderful image of some guy (WHO IS HE?) in a stunning ensemble of henley and suspenders and beard.

This random stranger is everything I'm clinging to right now. Hold me tight, bro! Hold me tight!

Henley Monday -A Day Late and a Dollar Short

It's finally happened. After months of consistently bringing you Henley Monday on Monday, I forgot to post yesterday. I could make an excuse about this or that, but seriously I just plain forgot until about ten minutes ago which makes me pretty awful.

But look! Look you guys. Look at Drake. Look at how chic his ensemble is. He has his henley layered, buttoned up, and even accessorized. He knows his Christmas so that heart wants to spread love this season, and he's obviously throwing up a peace sign to bring peace and good will to all. Good will even to those bloggers who forget their weekly duties sometimes.

Peace. Love. Henleys. Merry Christmas, y'all.

In Vain I have struggled! It will not do!

I am having some major technical issues getting the COMPLETED recap of the Bachelor Finale onto the internet machine. Please bear with me as I try to contain my rage and not throw my laptop out the window.

In the meantime, here’s a treat.

Henley Monday - 

I'm on a different computer today and do not have access to my huge stock file of henleys. And this image is the fruit that googling "celebrities henley" bore. AND SUCH RIPE, RICH FRUIT IT IS!

I'm sorry, do you NOT think Vinn Diesel is awesome? I'm sorry, do you NOT think that wearing aviators and holding a sword at the same time is the coolest thing he could possibly do? I'm sorry, do you think that adding a henley into the mix does not make the most perfect picture of a man of all time? 

If so then there is nothing more I can do for you except let you stew in your own fear that this exact Vinn Diesel will hunt you down for your treachery and foolishness.

Henley Monday -

Hi everyone! I hope you're pulling through as best you can today. I'll keep it short and get straight to the henley point: How adorable is Martin Freeman here? Can you even handle it? I barely can.

He is every bit a classic, charming off-beat and insanely talented Brit who brings great joy to me in all his roles. He brings great joy to me here as well in such soothing blue tones with a cheeky little grin. Thanks for the pick-me-up Martin!

Henley Monday - 

Welcome to fall! The wind's turning chilly, and we're all wearing sweaters full time! JUST KIDDING IT'S A MILLION DEGREES EVERYWHERE AND WE'LL NEVER BE A COMFORTABLE TEMPERATURE AGAIN.

But Fall is coming as it must. It has to. It's the law. Science. Michael Fassbender is going to help me get by until that point though in this cotton knit henley under a suede jacket. He is so weathered and rugged he looks like one of those Dust Bowl photos only beautiful in a less depressing way.

Celine means this song so hard that I really do feel like she is my lady, and I am her man. Every flap of her arm and beat on her chest proves just how deeply she really, really means it.