I'm Sorry, I Just Really Need To Get This Thought Out, But What One Of The Reasons Why I Am So Affected

I'm sorry, I just really need to get this thought out, but what one of the reasons why I am so affected by Ivan's death is the underlying emotions behind it. It's been constantly shown throughout the narrative that Ivan was infatuated with Till, but the nature of their relationship was that Till had never noticed him.

I believe that Ivan was fully aware of Till's feelings for Mizi (mainly due to the comet scene in Round 3, where Till rejects the chance of freedom) and thus, he resigned himself to gaining the barest hints of Till's attention, even if it was negative, because he knew that he couldn't have anything more. He was content with what he could get and still chose to look after Till in the ways that he believed truly matter to him (freeing him from his bonds whenever he got the chance to).

Considering their background, it's likely that none of them were exposed to the concept of love and are now just relying on their own interpretation. Thus, it was probably hard for them to ever consider letting go of the ones they love because their own emotions were probably one of the few things that they could claim for themselves since they didn't have any anatomy over their own lives. Ivan was constantly reacting after Till's own actions (such as fighting back after Till punched him when they were younger or repeating the cheer up mantra), so when he noticed that Till was no longer singing he decided to take action that would keep Till from dying. He chose to sacrifice himself so that he wouldn't be confronted with Till's death.

Because, in the end, Ivan was always content with not receiving Till's afections as long as he could be around him in some other way. He crazed to have Till gaze upon him, but he could survive on his presence alone. If Till had died before him, Ivan would've lost a major part of himself. The aliens would've taken away the final thing that he had for himself. He would've died either way. Whether physically or spiritually. At least through his sacrifice, he was able to go out without having to witness the final downfall of the one he cares about the most.