"Punk Is Better Than God"

I haven’t had sex in 4 weeks

Abrasion from something soft like snow, I slip in the glass and get a beautiful tiny dash in skin from rubbing across cold sand...

I search for flesh and here i get "human fleshlight" and other such garbage.... You're fucking disgusting , all of you, I was once a human, but these days no longer, thats why Im in a headache so constantly, I'm become something less man, and more animal , they couldnt define me properly in their statistics and borders, for I am not one of them, and their words cannot so truthfully describe me. I go to search human , oh no, Humiliation? Are you fucking kidding me? Sissy, kink, cuck, cunt, cock, fuck, cum , dirty words and dirty expressions for which in some part I wholly wish for you to express, be free, but.... sex is something of an animal, and In my mind It's wrong to be an animal, or to be human. It's all the worst things, sex, temptations, I swear I sound like some lover of christ, but I love not, and I believe not

I'm backwards and forwards, slipping like one in some sanity bathing funk

Tuesday January 14th 2025 - On The Subject Of KondemningYourSoul / Love Fool

Somehow I'm kind of tearing up, Iim suprised surpsid , ive been sweating all day, and maybe my eyes were a little wet over the course, im suprised im not dehydrated, or maybe I am.. I'm a sickly sort.. I'm a lovefool, I'm really head under heels and congealed blood and fat. My head aches constant, I get some sense of terrible overwhelming pain, flashing of tormenting images in the brain, things I want to see , wnd things I don't, like I'm young again, the mind drifts to places I wish to not go. I constant miss that girl again, I don't understand myself. I miss her , And i miss Her, and then I miss you, and I miss me. Taking a nap, taking a close at the eyes no longer can help, if ever, for these things chase me everywhere I go. Dreams strike at my soul, sickness plagues my peace. Beautiful women, purity in faces, professional curiosity and improfessional unprofessional nonconfessional gaze and impressionable chants of love and taste, hungering and loathing.. My body jolts against the uncomfortabilities of my own skin, I'm no better I'm no worse. I'm in haze, old me return, new me resolve, retribution of spirit, fall short, fall falls short, losing my time .. The tantalizing land of wonder und dreams, drape of shadow which follow my every move, nothing now seems so bright or magnificent, 15:50, put down in mind, wake up 5 hours later when I was busy wishing I never would have. I don't feel up to par, five strokes from the goal and fifty yards from my heart, watch it walk away and feel self slip like some kind of evilous number.. my head hurts still and it's a day later , i feel unreal , UGH . This is the kind of thing called dissociating, this isnt some playground fucking term. This is Hell, this is horrible. I want to be me , I want to feel me, and I can't do either. This isn't fun. This isnt hashtag hash it out with a friend or family, I can't explain it, I can't fix it. Therapy couldnt cure this sickpy feeling, I know because I'm not a fool, and I know the kinds of things these cognitive behavioral bullshit shrinks pull. I have much to write, but it doesn't come out right. I'm having stiflings in the work, the month long stiflings, of the dystopian future and such. 33.8431° S, 151.2843° E Take a leap across the gap in my heart and head. I feel like I'm you, how many times must I write it, before I shall forget I ever knew a relation between you and I? 26-DEEPJOY-88 bpm Ramble and rate, the thimble thunder and debate, sixty six percent six feet under such sexual sequences of soulless abandon, work and work keep on working and living in a place you dont love. Educate me and birth me here, force me to die here, I want to die to take myself somewhere else. I slip through your arms, slip through my own hands, slip like to clay, but all over my arms. Compress and say , Oh dear do I hope to find someone dear some day. I hate the way you look at me, I hate the way you talk to me, pain is all that wakes this ugly fool, half a woman half a hound, good for nothin men all throughout my life, and I'm something half-pint short from just another one of them. Sweating like a pig und living like one too, ayuda me, por favor, lo siento por mi poor favours

Love feels like some kind of lie, for I fail to feel it more often than not. I said I wanted to go to a funeral only because I hate my home and hate this scenery, I feel only slightly bad for the natural passage of what we call time, this thing we call aging, the final passage of this horrid survival, this horrid life. Put on a sad face, or a mourning one, block out the face of multitudinous facial warpings, the faces of a face of another, How can I say how much you mean? When I know not what that might mean, what do you mean? And so I wish I knew, struggle and stry, stray and strawberry, I like to imagine I once knew the taste of you, but I know the truth, that I know not even of how you smell, no fragrance nor scent, not even sweat nor stench.. I pretend instead I may have once felt your blood, and I do so with my own, with my pen, it belongs not to me, and neither do you. This world is not ours, and we are not long for it, sometimes I hope we meet again, in someone else, in ourselves... But I can't be sure I will ever get my own flesh back.. maybe you could say th3 same. I won't pretend I'm you, but I won't pretend either that my mind doesnt trick me, doesnt lead me to wonder sometimes if I'm not so unlike you. Does it get better for women like you? Did it? And how about fools like me? If it never gets better for you, then surely I cannot expect it either.. 10:47 January 15th 2025

The day I stop, I'll surely have been retired of the inkwell within me

Death

Hashtag hashtag hashtag dummy tongue stubby black cat look at my baby

Lantern bugs

watercolour, ink, pencil crayon

twitter/ insta/bluesky/ store

Yakuza 3 is probably up in my top 3 favorite in the series, something like that

⠀⠀⠀

⠀⠀⠀⠀またね、沖縄の兄弟。 See you later, Okinawa brother.

I finished Yakuza 3.

[ SPOILERS ]

I think it's interesting that introducing Rikiya to the tattoo artist is optional and can easily be missed if you choose not to spend time with him. I've seen people insist this is a silly move because Rikiya's role in the narrative is obviously incredibly important - he is, imo, the emotional core of it, the Haruka of Yakuza 3. If you choose not to experience that, and don't see how he handles pretty much everything that you can see with him in Kamurocho or his dynamic with Kiryu evolve through the optional content, then Kiryu's reaction to his death feels overly melodramatic and can rob the scene of a lot of its weight.

I think that's kind of brilliant, personally. Kiryu cares, even if you didn't, and he cares inherently in a way that leaves you feeling like you missed out on something, because you did.

Still, I wish the whole game was set in Okinawa. I think my dream version of Yakuza 3 is just about lion jiji Shigeru Nakahara (accidentally my favourite Yakuza character so far, if only because he has such strong "retired uncle" energy) and a territorial battle with the far bigger, more cynical Tamashiro family, who want to sell Okinawa out to land developers and hyper conservative rearmament politicians. The whole Black Monday thing -- I don't know.

I guess it was like a vacation in a place I wanted to stay, but if I'm being mature about the series, it's probably for the best that Kiryu isn't able to escape Kamurocho.

525mg, 18:30, taking a piss break, I shall fill in the gaps once its over. Watching Trainspotting, kickin’ the habit, sex und drugs,noght life, day life, speed and slow. 78, futbol, footie, Scots, Ya know

It must have been 30 minutes ago now , I tried taking it all at once, but you know, I've been a bit harsh to swallow recently,

Look , anything more than 5 is a lot, reckon i get 10 down a time at least

Heroin is a deadly one, aye? Mark Runter? Whats his name , girls with pretty breasts, scots accent is a something else

Desperation and addiction, the things you'll do , choose to live, choose to not.. sex tape.. mania anxiery…

Look at me? How long was it since i was last under the effect? Genuine question, of course.. how is it that this level of function still possible? Need to wash the substance further , perhaps

Run in close, run in wrong

Shite in air , stench and dive, drop into bowl , drop a bowl and smoke a chili

She's a bit young, everybody gotte get the accdient once, how's the drinkin age, how's the poundin age? Adrenline , placebo, 18:43, drop em dead like rear end of century

Drum and drabble , dribbke and drool, druz n drag, take the tip fomxpen and smoke ya nice and good,,low of the loe , scot ans skite, colony and culture, who grabs the who? UK dunce kaps grabbed olenty

Like some kind of cat food, sokution , Bond z ,tired further, squiet still and shagging, split & slip, Spoon full of soup, or be it the brajn? OH AND HERE oops, oh hrre it comrs , Watching men down on tbeir count, vision splash of my brain hit oavenrnt, drug with persinakity make a good actor , sink to the fkoor eys close and moth agap ,feel a squirm , i am becomd worm, if only illegak, gett off on what, the drug or the chaos, pukk a knife eith good due, crune us slank and dkunped, screeaminf and hirror , walls are ripped and ramped, eorse, chikdren , oh suckly Baby dawn, frighten tonsee , human or obots , , horror run eampant, victims of their live, fpile the misery, lackin koce , thisnycke repeat, hoope each day to die, never enough, releat and rambke, victimless crime, nkt my kjfe but frels do ckoth

Bigbie, choose kifd, kujrb im not looking at fone, not stentivd.

Dken on luck, doen on modekking , fmd sacrificd and retribution, reap what you reap , sow what you dhoe,

One more hit, keep comin hack , credit and wack, numbing and , rush and beeiggke

Sjnk unto the floor, like tomb, save by kuck or man, kike in th smcover for eternjtt, droop loke jt js alk kne kwn, kjke a corlse, trainspotting

To grow und to chanhe

I continue to grt msmaller, nhmb , lay to rest on bedmm, soon be one of doet among dead

Tralpped for safety.too ill to sleep, too ttored to stay swake

The halway eoxands? Or emoves

Hallucjnatjkn , visjal auditort

Methadone

Just one morez toh

H knoe ir inreasonable

Or dk tou

Poor poor peooke

Horrid friends kr shllkrtjce knes

Fight against hr dreams , delusion what can tou do

Memories haunt

Retrk virus

If i stand zi may svrew

Thesd things torment us

Your actiond comr back unto tou

I csnt get ho i thjn

Your guilt transform

My headt beat, i feel it

Bresthing odd

Bette than sex they say

Trainspottigmnfx

Cannkt aid oneself

Bevkme ljke kjd again

Dead feilinf babjesthe borror

Of realirt

Rhe horror

Life js a dreamz or nifht.are

1909

The livinf sead… the

We are becime the evil, amd youxknow it

Blink; to flash and shudder,ann instance by which there once was something among the heart abd soul, where there will always be something within, and wheb a moment leaves for an eternity in a moment. Shapes amd ghosts,

That tingling bug feeling, marks onnthe arms from the itchint and the imprints

The eye of applez the apple that is mine, Bloodshot like you've killed a man, and it might just be you, Dreams or memories? Things tick at your minn and the things you imagine all feel more and more like reality, slowwww release, cant handle anything but to hit the cam, kick the bucket

I try to turn my fan off, or on? i cant reach the buttons, like they're miles away, I am sluggish , trapped in a sea of my own ain and the paranoia, fears, hatred od any other

858

17:25January192025, did i tell you about yhe intense heartbeat, the thulping the crashing againdt my bonrs and the daggers of my blood?the harsh breathing and paranoia following the hit of srug as it influenced my system ? It wasnt neay as fast acting as I tend to imaginr it, and yhe same van be said for previous interactions between me and diphenhydramine

I wanted to note that I haven't had a headache all day, I think,

The day after a misuse, I wake up at eight rather than 3 am, 5 am, 6 am

I had gone to bed fairly typically as well, though,, , I knew , or couldnt bother, with the fact that I vould not handle myself very well, that i could not cleanse my teeth of the corruptions I wrought upon it, rath and rag, rot and rigor, slither hither as the puncturing needle reaches vein. Abandond all semblance of function,, Whispers of your touch, all over my body, a shaking finger, grasp and scratchh, uncomfortable in my parts, due to what, in part? Kimchi , kabuki, killer, koi no story, koi no yokan, No, I know of no koi no longer, for long since become dragon, ryuugyo, up the blood stream, against the adrenal flow. Sometime feel like lung to collapse, that dry throat feel, the course air scrape againdt the naval nasal passages, Woke up this morning , Thought sometiems I might never have, Bass is what keeps the fool kicking , and soon to be that it stops, drop dead like a shut in at a shot up nightclub

Was that a mempry from the prior day, or was that a memory of remembering a memory, or was it simply just yestrday?

Did it ever happen, did it ever, Like the wispy stroking of your hand in mine, I happen to womder just how much what I wonder is as real as any other recollection, , Like watching footage back, or watching the present through a recording screen, Evrrything looks bigger, dverything looks smaller , punk on mind and pink on tongue. Ike walking on snow with no coat, like a ferryride on no boat, feet crunch in cold, white as ghost , the ice turns to magma, to spikes in my mind, but the adrenaline increases. Fear junkie, harm junkie, reason why the human mind developed these things, and then the human comes to want these things, to invoke them in ways the olden horrors could never anticipate, and neither could man. My feet turn to cardboard, to plastic on the stones, melting away with the liquid which doth yet remain, Like a spellin bot , cant get the soul down pat, cant get it right, some kind of intelligence, the dumbest kind, the soulless kind.

The substance peaks its unknowing head unto your sober life with every moment it has no control, and within the moments too that it does

It is an incessant babbling like an infantile five days dead yet still hearing th pattern and wails, it cries and cries, to self, to other, to something, for it has no capability to live without the arms outstretched, cursed by the situation, cursed by theirs too

Like 9 months past a toddler, yet to be taught what is right, if ever could be done so, even whence the clock strikes eightieth year

This mouth of mind, start in whisper

For what is a man, what has he got?

If not himself, then he has naught

Serenada, no cuerpo, no puedo,

A many men stay trapped to their age, to what they cannot manage, Oh my, that shall not be me

I don't choose life, But something chooses me, und so I shamble until the final corpse drops, and soon enough, the record shall show I was that corpse, & that I had fallen long ago, we were all simply waiting on a delay, some kind of train, missing a station but never altering its route.

Dont leave me hanging on, let the grip loosen and allow the noose to tighten, Or I'll have become something heightened, put every snob and knob hog singin all the way to the sunken depths of their mind. Like roaches, every politician, banker, chomo, every piece of garbagepie, Get so high you bring the movie with Ya , Take the remote far off from where it needa be , Like a child ya clutch whatever your mind deems needed, important, in the moment, in the overall, step on the roach, step in the mud, feel a presence behind me , within me,

It act as me, through me, Like a possession, headache and shiver, freeze and sweat, In heat like a passionate amphetamine kiss,,,.. All this Like and As , having hardly ever liked a thing in first, and Nothing I and I am is as anything else. Rock it like 2 smoking barrels, 12 gauge, 13, 4 , 20, Cant care less unless I'm gettin less, teach ya a lesson , 10 round tube and a penchant for vengeance, sick of gettin sick from the hack and spit of half head had-beens sad sack jack-its, sing a carol and send em down stream, stained metal barrels with their piss and screamin

Kettle pierce like the casanova pricks with arrows,, I'm only still waiting so those who really behind my fact of retribution, may get an extraneous, serious, intravenous, Esctasy and soothing, from the torture of me. End kf day, no more coffee, no more drink, decaying bones and empty bottles… whisper on the wind like the strength of my loves, loyalty is a word I must hate to hear, And I cannot rationalize it, I can't escape or ignore, to say it's this “polyamorous” this that, or this and that, ,, no.

I'm not much a romantic , or I would never say i am, and now especiale, I willnot say

Spectacle of snappy cactus pricklies,

20:43, violenty bloody death, just what the doc ordered, here I got me adrenaline untapped and unfree, trap me and cut it loose, the body fall still while the mechanisms still push and drive, cant stand right, so so high, choose to walk on all five of my fours, or is that all four of my fives? strut the stuff and say goodbye, rested und tired, how many hours past the deadline is the paper, push the pauper in a pit of rats , write a passage of the beast you met, doesnt matter if I'm on or off the beat, all still aplplies, food mart ransack sick bag, mex-o-bay, Help a stranger, help a bout help a pall out , may as well give m e the whole set , aFlaunt andndaung , you know a plenty of you want it too

Blue and orange split in my eyes… Half a mark west and twenty steps north, Head to that there steeple , scratch what you've seen, scratch what you've yet to , Aged like wine aged like rice, either way, what how, not now regardless of the knowhow, Makes a drunkard all the same, 20:50 and feels like i'm hhigh all over again, but obviously not , Just the tire, the tiring like the rubber on rims , headache soon to return, paranoia never leave , bring it on сука,, Ache from the bumpin’. Is that hallucination or is that some sort of beginning of one? Sleepin through the worst of it, or become it all the same. Crawling across the floor, darkness around my eyes, around my mind, impatience and violence in my tendencies, the Beast to.imagine is what one can hardly see theough their blurry vision qhen looking in the mirror, break.the glass cut the binds free, begin to think things have broken since you last touched them, as if they diddnt work just earlier , then you give up, drop it where it lays, if you even had your hands on it, you feel afraid, so you go to grab your cat, you go to feel safe, but unlike in typicality, you give up when you know the cat wants naught to do with you, you hide under cover, under cover of the words under your eyelids, swimming in saucerous disks, such profane red, burning eyes, sunk like deep dark pits, no eye remains, How long doth the corpse rot before you snap out of drunken , addict stupor, sometimes maybe jt is so that death would be the most preferred , Hush now swweet child, or livw a very loud life, either way is another form of your hell, the unliving never once have not lived, for it was not choice to not live, for it is not life by which they exist,, The fool is he who can die, who

can never have lived, stuck to the red wagon, stuck to the measures and decree declared by every power junkie, every arm scratchinf pig kissin’ dumb fool, Give me up the life and land, give me a new headache, stare at the screen , beneath your eyes or in the palms.. Headache only when I look away, Rise again, kick up to see another day, something changes in you when things end or begin, that's what they say, something like that..

And I ask, what about the inbetween, the both and the neither?

It is always about the before and after, but never the during

And that is your problem

Those bloodshot Eye, the tearing of emotions in the sickly sweet mire, hope morrow never raise its glass, fix a deduction in your dedication to an eld feud you'll never understand, like all is somr game

I've seen some horrible mistakes, some horrible people, some horrible things

Often, these things are one in the same, one in a other, and often

I see myself in them, as them, being them

21:16, I need to wipe this blood from eyes, hope in slumber i may meet demise , Learn what a poet is, learn what an artist is,

The difference between legend and not, is how long you've been dead during any given moment, and sometimes the living are already dead, just the same

8:51

13:07 Pseudonym, social security, banker, number names und faces , Why can I not simply dissapear unto the vices which created me , use your money, use your bullets, To free the self you must become.insystem, insistent that as cyst you break the cycle which has never not persisted, the most true freedom is to never have existed,

The date is Saturday, January 18th, 2025. Time: 17:11 Eastern Standard Time. Four Hundred milligrams diphenhydramine, 25mg a pink. 4 = 100 milligram, this is 16 antihistamine pill, I have Yet to consume, I have a tiring weight on my body und mind, it is only 2 hours past 3pm. I am going to watch the movie "Trainspotting" in the basement of my home in the boring Amerikan state which I have been born and trapped unto. I am debating another four, just to round up to twenty, but I am unsure. 21%.. 20%. 17:17. I Havent taken it yet. The headaches and the bothering when I even simply move my eyes, it feels as If i am already undee the influence. It's cold, the fuckin' winter season, and I sweat and burn. The first time, I couldn't even be bothered to count the millies and count the amounts, I mean seriously, how truly depressing is that. Now I'm only pretending that anything I do actually covers up the fact that I am actively and knowingly misusing these things. Maybe it does make it better, to be noting and such but... end of day, It is for the bore of life As I know it. I dont know..

4mg clorpheniramine, 525mg diphenhydramine, and if I so need, some acetaminophen / paracetamol in case this headache gets worse, i cant recsll the exact countagw and Im not getting the bottle. Genuinely, i will not take them If i do not generally feel the need, whether or Not I will keep up to date through journaling events, whether on tumblr or in document, I cannot say. Movie takes priority.

Stoce

In a world of evil, games often do not allow you to be an evil

Medias , especially these interactive ones, they should allow us the freedom of mistake , of losing and winning, and not just in some half-batch particularly programmed way, , We should be able to observe, to become, to feel, true evil, true loss

Like a book, like a movie , what's with the hesitation, spit up the walls which cover us from truth of horror..