Everyone Wins.

Rule #51

I did something today that I had been wanting to do for years now.

I made an apology.

I had been wanting to make this apology for so long now.  I kept hoping that I would someday run into her at a super market or a bar or something and I could make my apology to her.

Back in the early ‘90s, we were in a relationship.  Not a long time, maybe 6 months at most.  And the entire time, I just treated her horribly.  Not physically, but mentally & emotionally, I was just the absolute shits to her.

And I know why I did.  I had been really mistreated in the past two relationships before this one, and I took it out on her.  I took all my anger, my frustration, my sorrow out of me and I fed it to her.  It’s not an excuse, because there is no excuse really.  It’s just the sad fact.

I didn’t realize what I was doing then.  It was quite a while after it was over that I saw what I had done.  And I felt ashamed for having done it.  And I felt sorry for her for having to experience it.  And I hated myself for doing it.  For treating her the way I had been treated.  Why would I do that? (Looking back now, I realize that this is probably where the true self-loathing that would come to define most of the past 20+ years of my life probably began. The first step on a long road.)

Ever since I became aware of what I had done, I had been wanting to see her again so I could apologize.  Not for my own sake.  But because she genuinely deserved it.

Today it hit me that it would probably be really easy for me to find her on Facebook.  We probably had mutual friends that would make it easy to identify her in a search.  And I was right.  I did a search for her and, due to mutual friends, it took me all of 10 seconds to find her.

I clicked the message button and wrote my apology.  It wasn’t long before i got a reply thanking me for the apology and wishing me well.  I don’t know if she really means it; you can’t tell on the internet.  But if she’s still the person I knew then, then she probably does.

NOW it's truly classic Trek.

“Captain’s log, supplemental: the Enterprise has encountered an alien life form who has identified himself as ‘Ziggy’”

Wow. The patience, kindness and calm communication skills. Outstanding.

From raindovemodel

i know its the mets, but this is the coolest shit i’ve ever seen a human being do

Put perfectly.

After a year of watching CR, the cast’s panels and the Between the Sheets interviews… I think I can safely say that the most important lesson I’ve learned from them is how life-changing it can be to surround yourself with good people.

Surround yourself with people who are open and vocal about how much they love and admire you, who call themselves your biggest fan and who are there to support you through your path to greatness.

Surround yourself with people who enjoy their own interests unapologetically, who genuinely seek for the things that will make them happy and who are not restrained by what people will think of them. 

Surround yourself with people who aren’t afraid to show affection through words or physical gestures, who are shamelessly in love with their special other and who see that their love is a sign of strength, not weakness.

Surround yourself with people with healing energy, people who will listen to you attentively, who will offer a helping hand when the world is falling down around you, who will try their best to understand your struggles.

Surround yourself with people that are loud, who aren’t afraid to exist brightly and colorfully, who laugh and cry and have fun and feel with every fiber of their being. 

Most importantly, though, be that kind of person. Put positive energy into the world and you will find it coming back to you. This group of nerds is just a taste of what unapologetic genuine shameless love can accomplish. And I feel grateful every day for the reminder that there’s someone out there who, when you least expect it, will show up and love you and make life a thousand times better.

I want this sooooo much.

This. Is my pride and joy. A gift for my dad, who played Zork with me when I was a kid, and with his dad when he was a kid. I designed this pattern myself and had a great time puzzling out how to hide the glow in the dark letters!

Pattern: “West of House” by me Fabric: 2x1 on 18ct Blue-Grey Aida Started: 11/27/2021 Finished: 12/25/2021

Watch: It’s your right to share your salary, not doing so could be holding you back.

Portable Closet (aka “Bag of Clothing”)

Wondrous Item, Rare

Often found among the traveling elite and wealthy, the Portable Closet is outwardly very similar to a Bag Of Holding, but a bit fancier looking.  On the outside, it has a roughly 2-foot diameter opening and is about 4 feet deep.  The inside is also like a Bag Of Holding in that it is much larger than its outer dimensions.  Unlike the Bag Of Holding, this item is specifically designed to hold only clothing. The Portable Closet has 12 “chambers”, each designed to hold one outfit plus any accessories needed for the outfit (shoes, hats, gloves, jewelry and such).  The closet will clean and press any clothing placed in it and left there for an hour.  It will also clean any accessories left for the same time period (i.e. - shoes are shined, metal polished, leather oiled, etc.).  The bag also uses the Mending cantrip to repair any damage to any item placed in it, up to the limits of the spell.  Note that any items kept inside something else (such as in a purse or pocket) will not be cleaned or repaired. Armor may also be kept in the closet, though Scale Mail and Half Plate armors take up two of the chambers of the closet and any heavy armor takes up three chambers.  Magical properties that alter an armor’s weight do not apply.  For example, a magical suit of chainmail that acts as if it was light armor would still require 3 chambers of the closet to be stored in the bag.  No accessories maybe be placed in with the armor up to and including weapons, backpacks and other types of adventuring gear. If the bag ever has more than its 12 chamber filled, has something placed in it that can’t be considered clothing or an accessory (such as weapons or loose coins) that are not contained in an outfit or accessory, something is placed in with a suit of armor, or if it becomes pierced or torn, then the closet ruptures and is destroyed, and its contents are scattered in the Astral Plane.  If the bag is turned inside out, its contents spill forth, unharmed, but the bag must be put right before it can be used again.  Breathing creatures inside the bag can survive up to a number minutes equal to 10 divided by the number of creatures (minimum of 1 minute), after which time they begin to suffocate. Placing a Portable Closet inside an extra-dimensional space created by a Bag of Holding, a Portable Hole or any similar item instantly destroys both items and opens a gate to the Astral Plane.  The gate originates where the one item was placed inside the other.  Any creature within 10 feet of the gate is sucked through it to a random location on the Astral Plane.  The gate then closes.  The gate is one-0way only and can’t be reopened.

The Recent Realization That Completely Took Me By Surprise

“I’ve made the decision.  I’m giving up on dating.”

I made this proclamation to a friend sometime in the very early 2000s.  I was tired of everything that went with dating, or trying to get dates, and had gotten to a point where I, quite frankly, just didn’t give a damn anymore.  I was happier being alone, relationship wise.

My friend scoffed at me, and as I told others, they did too.  But for the past (approximately) 14 years, that’s been the story.  There really was no one I actively wanted to date.

So it came as quite a shock to me when one night a couple of months ago, as I was out at a bar with a group of friends, it became clear to me that I really wanted to ask one of them out on a date.

[This, BTW, is not the realization this blog post is about.]

I did not react well to this.  Remember a few months ago when I was making Vaugebook posts about frustration and falling into old mental traps?  Well, now you know why.  I had so many questions I couldn’t answer.  Where did this come from?  Why was this suddenly happening?  I was happy not being in the dating scene, why would I suddenly want to screw that up?  Why her?  I didn’t really consider how she would feel.  I was 99% sure she wasn’t interested.  In fact, I think I would’ve been more worried if I asked her out and she actually said yes!

A week later, I travelled to New York City to visit a couple of friends of mine.  While there, I discussed my recent revealation.  They had become engaged a couple of weeks before, so I took their view of my situation with a huge grain of salt.

But as I spent the day with them, and watched them together, I became aware that I wanted exactly what they had.

That connection. That emotional bonding. That love.

[This, also, is not the realization this blog post is about.  Stay with me here.]

I got on the train home and began thinking about everything and every emotion, past and present; what had led me to where I had been and to where I was now.  And somewhere between Harlem and Greenwich, I discovered the truth.

The truth was that, during all those years, I had wanted to date.

I had wanted that connection. That bonding. That love.

The problem was, during that time and up until recently, I didn’t love myself.  Truth be told, I down right loathed myself for most of that time.  And because of that, I didn’t think I deserved to be loved by anyone.

So when I would meet a woman who I thought was special, I would think to myself, “Too bad I don’t want to date anyone”, and put it out of my mind.

This is the revelation this blog post is about.  The revelation that, “I don’t want to date anyone”, was really my brain’s way of saying, “You don’t deserve anyone’s love.”

And once I realized that, everything going on fell into place.

I love myself now. I’m ready to date. I’m ready to love someone else now.

But, most of all, I’m ready to accept that someone can love me the same way.

More from the Reading Pile

Fortunately The Milk A fun children's story that can be enjoyed by all ages. Skottie Young's art works perfectly with the wild story (a dad tells the story of why it took him so long to go buy a bottle of milk). It's written by Neil Gaiman, so decide for yourself if you want to support it (I had already purchased it before all the news broke). Harper Collins Children - HC $19.99, SC $9.99

Wrestling Unmasked: Ripping the Mask off the Crime, Politics and Intrigue Beyond The Ring A collection of various articles from the British Wrestletalk Magazine from the early 2020s. They are well written and dive into the ugly history of the industry. If you're a long time wrestling fan like me (since the mid '80s), you probably know most of these stories already. But the articles are well written and in some cases personal. Worth picking up, especially if you are recent fan to the squared circle. Wrestletalk.com - ebook £6.99, print SC £14.99, also available from Amazon

Snarf Quest: The Book A graphic novel of the first story line of Larry Elmore's "Snarf Quest" comic from the back of Dragon magazine of the 1980s. It's entertainingly silly and goofy and doesn't take it's self seriously at all (it features a time traveling wizard, a robot that crash lands in front of Snarf and a dragon that thinks it's a duck). Also, it's Larry Elmore, so all of the women are beautiful and scantly clad, but at least they don't fall into the "damsel in distress" trope. A fun read. If you can find it cheap, snap it up. TSR Inc - Cover Price $9.95 (out of print)