Petition For Hazel And Agnes To Go Back In Time And Kidnap/adopt The Hargreeeves Siblings

Petition for Hazel and Agnes to go back in time and kidnap/adopt the Hargreeeves siblings

Benefits include:

They can literally just move to a different time period and Reginald will never find them

The world doesn’t end

Everyone calms tf down and becomes birdwatchers or something

Instead of being raised in an absuive mansion with illustrated lessons on how to kill people on the walls, they probably grow up on like a farm with cows and chickens and a goat and no Spikey Murder Dungeon in the basement, like seriously what the everlovin’ crap Reginald

Luther finally shuts up about the moon because he has no absuive billionaire of a father to send him there

Vanya gets to have like, emotions, which contributes to her not ending the world

The entire family goes to every last one of Vanya’s violin recitals

They wear matching T-shirts

Endless love and support for Klaus

His mom teaches him how to make vegan donuts and paper cranes rather than locking him up in a mausoleum

The world doesn’t end

Instead of, you know, death, Ben gets his own bookshelf and a garden and a cat named The Good Doctor Snugglebunches, Esquire.

Hazel and Agnes have to explain why/how they adopted seven children who were all born to different families on the exact same day all at once

Also why they named one of them Five

This is more of a problem than a benefit but it’s fantastic for anyone who gets to watch

The absolute hilarity of Hazel accidentally fangirling about Five’s Murder Escapades to a Five who was never recruited by a shadowy time travel agency

Hazel: “wow, it’s such an honor, your work in bukhara was absolutely legendary, I can’t believe—”

Little bebe Five, who has never been to Bukhara: “???????”

Five gets to break the laws of space-time as much as his little nerd heart desires without getting stuck in the literal apocalypse

Five: “I want to time travel”

Hazel, already pulling out his Time Travelin’ Briefcase: “okay, but I’m following along behind you just in case you get stuck sixteen years in the future, discover the world’s ended, and fall in love with a mannequin”

Five: “?????????????????????”

Agnes’s Vegan Donut Shop becomes a family business

They never have to deal with bad customers

Customer: *slightly raises their voice at Agnes*

Diego: *already pulling out his knives*

Allison becomes a Hollywood Starlet in any cinematic era she desires because time travel

Their interests are supported and encouraged by their parents regardless of what they are

Klaus: “I want to learn how to do makeup and wear skirts and also can I borrow your heels”

Agnes, who was unfazed by the whole Time Traveling Assassin thing and certainly doesn’t care about this: *gets out her car keys* “lets go shopping”

Diego, age six: “I want knives”

Hazel, a literal assassin who is fuzzy at best about the whole “raising children” thing and whose murder idol turned out to be a thirteen year old boy: “here’s a butterfly knife now try not to stab your brother”

(He stabs his brother)

The world doesn’t end

Hazel slides Vanya a donut every time someone tries to make her eat oatmeal. It causes a fight about properly balanced diets and good nutritional habits but no one dies

Allison never rumors her daughter because she was raised to respect others’ boundaries and to not abuse her powers

If anyone tries to pull the same “I’m the only one who has ever loved you, you can’t trust your family” crap on Vanya again, her five brothers, Scarily Competent Sister, Literal Assassin Father, and Rolling Pin Wielding Mother time travel to the moment before he says it and beat the living daylights out of him

The Commission isn’t a problem because the second someone touches a hair on Agnes’s head, her overprotective superchildren steal their dad’s briefcase, show up on the Commission’s doorstep, and utterly destroy them.

Vanya flattens them with a violin solo but not before Diego stabs everyone in sight and Five becomes newly confused as to why everyone here pisses themselves when he looks their way

The Handler, Dot, Gloria, the entire office pool, everyone caught in the Ol’ Grenade Incident of ‘19: “crap it’s number five, someone hide the bazookas”

Five, pausing in his quest to beat a man into unconsciousness with nothing but a stapler: “???????????????????????????????????????????????????????????”

They go caroling every Christmas as a family, not because they like it, but because everyone secretly derives pleasure from the pure unadulterated despair that they see in the neighbors’ eyes when the Rofa Family shows up on their doorstep and starts screeching Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer at the tops of their lungs

Yes, they all take Agnes’s last name

The world doesn’t end