Incorrect Batfam Quote

I love this specific flavour (semi-canon, mind you) of Bruce Wayne being awfully jealous and petty, if his kids have other parental figures that they like, or just in general prefers someone's company over him. At least, amongst people of his age range.

Thus, I raise you a very specific concept: Bruce one-sidedly beefing with Roman Sionis, because he is the first person Jason wants to annoy, when he is in the good mood. Yeah, you heard it right.

Because let's be honest, Jason doesn't give two fucks about Black Mask, he doesn't consider him to be valuable and intimidating, but he is funny to toy with! You need anti-stress? Stomp on remainings of Roman's dignity! You are in good mood and want to celebrate something? Crash Roman's party. Dunno. Where Bruce lands in this scenario? Let me demonstrate.

Bruce: Okay, I came to peace with a realisation that I am not the adult that Jason goes to get advice from any more. It is fine. But I don't give up! At least, I am his first annoy-the-hell-out-of-it contact. Knowing Jason, it is as valuable as anything else. Dick, sceptical: What is annoy-the-hell-out-of-it contact? Bruce: Like, when he wants to ruin someone's mood, he chooses me first. Tim, not getting distracted from his phone: Uh, no, you are not. It is Black Mask. Bruce: What? Tim: Yeah, everyone knows it. Like, come on. Check the statistics. Bruce: ...

So that is where his rivalry with Roman starts. A one that Roman himself doesn't have an idea about. But that is aside the point.

Bruce: So, Jaylad... You have a good mood. Something had happened? Jason: Oh, lmao, well, I woke up in the bad mood this morning, so I ended up pretending to be one of Roman's goons, had some fun playing cards with these imbeciles, then "accidentally" spilled tea on Roman's new suit when he ordered me to bring it to him, and at the same time his right-hand came exactly at that moment to announce that Red Hood exploded his favourite warehouse. The best morning ever. Bruce, with his eye twitching: You could come to me instead, you know? Jason: Huh? Why would I? Bruce: *silent scream*

Black Mask, calling urgently at three in the morning: Had you set on the Bat on me? Why he is so obsessed with me recently? Jason, half-asleep on his day off: Man, what? I am confused. Black Mask: You are confused??? I am fucking confused. Why is he hunting me down??? Jason: Bro. I don't give a fuck. I didn't set anyone on, let alone that old man. Deal with your shit yourself. Jason: *hangs on*

Tim, later that week: Am I getting this right, you just threw Roman in the jail, so Jason could annoy you first and not him? Bruce, dusting his hands off: Roman is a deeply unsettling, troubling man, who deserves to rot in prison for things much worse than- Tim: Bruce. Don't bullshit me. Bruce: Fine. Yes. What is the problem? Damian, spawning behind them randomly: There is no problem, except for the fact that you failed to check your data. You are not Todd's second favourite object for bullying. It is grandfather. Bruce: What- Damian: That being said, mother called and asked you to do something. Todd is back at League, trying to fasten Ra's cardiac arrest. She would appreciate some assistance. Bruce, on his last strength: This can't be real. Tim, patting on his back: You will get there... some day. Bruce, exhaling: I am fine. Bruce: Tim: Damian: Bruce, a minute later: RA'S AL GHUL????????????????????????????????????????????????????

I love the “Steve has good parents, they’re just not on camera.”

Steve’s dad walks in on Eddie and Steve making out, both shirtless. Eddie freaks the fuck out and Steve just sheepishly smiles at his father.

“I know I told you not to lock your door, but I take that back because I don’t want to see that again.”

“Thanks Dad!”

“Use protection!”

…

He walks into a house full of random children. The kids and Steve’s dad are just staring at each other.

“You’re paying to feed these kids, right?”

“No, you are.”

“Well shit.”

“Language, there are children!”

“Do I get to know these children who I have financially adopted?”

…

Hopper, who is over at the Harrington house to speak to Steve. Mr Harrington walks in to see the chief of police sitting on his couch. He sees Steve in the kitchen and quickly makes his way over.

“Steve! What is the chief of police doing here?”

“He’s a family friend.”

“What family?” Mr Harrington snaps back, gesturing at himself.

“He’s my friend?”

“I don’t see a world where you randomly become friends with the chief of police”

“I got caught with drugs?”

“Then why isn’t he arresting you?” Mr Harrington points to Steve’s cuff-less wrists.

“Can’t tell you?”

“Why?”

“I signed an NDA?”

“Steve, why the fuck would you do that? I’m a lawyer, you don’t just sign NDAs at a whim.”

“To be completely fair, I was concussed every time or they used a friend to threaten me.”

“It shouldn’t stand up in court then. Who did you sign it for?”

“The US government.”

“Fuck.”

The dragon appears to be currently having a tug of war with a rogue tooth fairy over the coin it meant to leave under your pillow (the academy’s been dealing with a bit of a problem at the moment so it’s become routine to check you still have all your teeth when you get up), and eventually gives up on the coin.

The tooth fairy, cloaked in cracked tooth enamel, makes the brief mistake of blowing a raspberry at your new familiar, believing to have won the fight. As it turns out, tooth fairy makes for a good morning snack, as your dragon crunches on its wings. It then tries to eat the previously abandoned coin. Ok.

The Academy is very grateful for your familiar’s help with the tooth fairy problem, and looking after it keeps you on your toes. Life goes on. Twig (named for the one food the brat refuses to eat no matter how much you insist it’s good for her fire breathing-) grows big enough to rival the average rocket of energy that is a Labrador. You’d almost thought the conversation with the Goddess was a dud.

You were telling Twig off for trying to eat your scarf, again, because you really didn’t think you’d be spending the same amount of money on winter clothes as an academy textbook, but you know, favourite chew toys and all, when in a huff, Twig takes a bite of the sludge coating the pavement, never breaking eye contact with you.

You stare as your dragon eats. It’s not snow. It’s too late in the winter for snow. The footprints in beautiful pristine perfection were replaced by grey and brown mush melting into gutters two weeks back. You don’t let her eat things found on the side of the pavement (how horrible of you, you know), so she’s doing this to be difficult. She clearly never tried sludge before, because despite trying to be difficult, her face twists in disgust, and she opens her mouth again to let the sludge fall out. It only looks marginally less appealing than before.

Twig sneezes then, and instead of her usual purple fire, violet ice comes snorting out, encasing the partially chewed sludge. Oh good. That won’t complicate things. A dragon that can breathe whatever it’s recently eaten, and that dragon is Twig, whose first instinct in every situation is to see if she can eat something. Without fail.

In the end, you really wish the Goddess of Magic could have just spouted one of those ‘the power was inside you all along’ speeches, because Goddess knows raising a multitalented dragon and preventing it from eating everything in sight was throwing you in the deep end on that front. Turns out, when you’re constantly practicing spells that track down where your dragon has wandered off to in the middle of a farmer’s market, or realising you really need that fire resistant spell after you snuck wood into Twig’s diet cause you thought she wouldn’t be able to taste it but you clearly thought wrong- well practice makes perfect, and you get a LOT of practice.

But even becoming one of the most powerful mages won’t get Twig to leave your scarf aLONE GODDAMN IT TWIG-

You are the weakest mage of your academy, so weak that you even fail to summon a familiar. After another dreamed discussion with the goddess of magic, you’re surprised to find a tiny dragon curled up on your chest in the morning.

dynamights favorite deku merch

The Batkids definitely forget that their comms are on and linked up to each other's, which is what leads to instances such as:

Cass humming some song for our twenty minutes, nobody has even thought about interrupting and several Batkids have taken to texting each other

Bruce flirting with Clark

Barbara doing asmr as she works and hacks. It gets slightly more concerning when she starts talking to her dolls.

Sound effects related to devastating injury and then that Batkid furiously huffing and puffing and trying to play it cool (Dami, while everyone grimaces)

Bruce flirting with Selina

Dick bitching about something stupid a JLA member did and then going quiet, and threatening everyone listening in

Duke making sound effects under his breath and catchphrase-celebrating unseen feats of heroism and/or parkour

Steph making grim but cheerful comments about near misses while driving, and then going "Haha just kidding. Got you guys good."

Bruce flirting with Khoa

Jason panting heavily, and clearly running for his life, before profusely thanking a bus driver

Tim making mission impossible sounds very quietly as he walked after bad guys at the edge of some rafters. Followed by him falling through them

Bruce being awkwardly flirted at by Riddler, followed by an ew straight from someone's soul

Alfred's random commentary

I've always loved the idea that the Bats are feared in Gotham for the exact same reasons that the Justice League and the rest of the world deems them to be trustworthy and safe

Batman is respected outside of Gotham because of his staunch refusal to kill even when it would be easier. Gotham criminals are terrified because it's well known that his no-kill rule is his biggest hard limit on what he's willing to do. Pretty much everything else goes and they know it

Nightwing is widely beloved for being the nicest and happiest member of the Bats. His smile and constant playful banter are contagious and always make a situation seem better. In Gotham, the only other people who smile and laugh and have that much fun in combat are Harley Quinn and the Joker

Red Hood is a well-known murderous crime lord, but the League is able to trust him because he's one of the Bats. Gotham loves Red Hood the crime lord because his regulation of drug dealers and constant protection of the weak has done wonders for the lower class of the city. He's terrifying because of his open affiliation with the Bats

Red Robin is well known to be a skilled detective who always has a plan to save the day. In Gotham his meticulous investigations and planning are scary because no one can beat them. It's nearly impossible to outsmart someone who is the smaller more calculatedly vicious version of the Batman himself

When Robin doesn't unsheath his sword or bring it with him to a fight, other heroes are glad to see him get used to less violent methods of combat. If someone from Gotham sees Robin enter a fight without a sword, they're terrified because everyone knows Robin deems his sword to be the most efficient weapon for fighting, and if he's not using it things are going to be far more brutal than normal.

Signal is the only Bat that goes out in the day, and is therefore considered less broody and scary to many non-gothamites. Gotham is scared because he's a Bat that shows up during the day.

Orphan/Black Bat is a very skilled hand to hand combatant that the League knows can handle herself. In Gotham, anyone her height that can still win against someone like Bane in a one on one fight is immediately on the 'do not anger' list.

Spoiler is friendly and gets along pretty well with everyone. She's easy to talk to and work with. In Gotham her friendliness has made more than a few give up important information by accident. They like talking to her despite knowing full well that its a terrible idea. She puts them at ease more than she possibly should because she sounds just like one of them

Gotham always flips everything on its head, and that applies to how and why the Bats are perceived the way they are too

Danny, working as a cashier: Can I help you?

Tim half-deranged: Please I just want a cup of coffee

Danny squinted, then pulled out a binder: I'm sorry, sir, but you are on the Don't Serve Coffee list. I can offer you some tea instead-

Tim: NO. THIS IS THE FIFTH PLACE. BRUCE CAN'T OWN YOU ALL!

Danny leaning in to whisper: Look, man, I can't give you coffee under the cameras. Meet me in the back alley in twenty minutes and I'll get you a coffee. Bring Cash.

Tim: how much? Five hundred, six hundred or hell even a thousand? I'll bring whatever you want.

Danny: Chill dude, it's a cup of coffee. Three dollars is fine.

Tim: It's not just any coffee! It's my favorite brand and Bruce bought them out just to make sure they wouldn't sell to me anymore!

Danny: okay okay, this coffee means a lot to you. I get it. Twenty minutes alright?

Jason three weeks later in Bat cave: Tim's on drugs! I've caught him trading cash for small containers in a shady alley six times. We need an intervention.

Dick: What?! I thought that was his boyfriend!

Bruce: I also thought that was Tim boyfriend but if it's a drug dealer we have to help him.

Tim hiding in the shadows: shit.

Tim texting Danny: If anyone asks your my secret boyfriend who been making me teas in allies

Danny: who the hell would believe that? But I've had a boring week, so yeah, I'm down to be a pretend boyfriend.

It's a pretty sweet headcanon that Bruce has photos of his kids that he keeps with him at all times, in his trusty bat-wallet in the trusty bat-utility belt, but the story of how he got those photos is probably even better

Like, baby robin Dick was swinging around one day, and flipped right into Bruce's arms who was anxiously waiting to catch him(new parents smh). Alfred took the picture sneakily, because it's hard getting the hyperactive child acrobat to ever stay still

Jason's photo is the one that they took at the courthouse when Jason was officially adopted. He has a gap tooth and is smiling widely at the camera, adoption certificate proudly displayed in his hands

Tim's photo is one that Bruce found in tim's old camera while going through it, and one rare Tim selfie popped up, bowl cut and all. He's holding up a victory sign while discreetly trying to pose in front of Batman and Robin

Cass' photo is one that Alfred clicked, she's fast asleep next to Bruce on the sofa, tired after patrol, their expressions and postures identical, biological child both in and out of the costume

Duke's photo is one that he had before being adopted into the Waynes, when his parents had taken a photo of him shaking hands with Bruce Wayne, for a fundraiser photo-op that Bruce was doing. Duke looked so excited and happy in it, that Bruce demanded a copy for himself

Damian's photo is the one which him and Bruce took for a 'Bring your kid to work day' very soon after Talia dropped him off at Gotham. His and Bruce's relationship is still a little rocky, but the way Damian was subtly trying his best to copy Bruce's stance in the photo made it's place in Bruce's wallet permanent

If you get it, you get it.

What ppl think thugs in Gotham are afraid of: Batman

What the thugs in Gotham are actually afraid of: Robin

Bat is stoic with brute force who wants justice, robins do it cuz they feel like it and it’s fun to them.