After Shoving Hansel In The Oven, The Witch Turns To Gretel - Who Is Currently Fending The Witch Off

im suddenly reminded of preteens testing their new boundaries by swearing as much as they can as offensively as they can when they’re out of earshot of any authority figures so just as a primer to people new to the hellsite:

don’t say shit like k1ll or unalive or you will be made fun of

you’re allowed to say shit like im going to rip elon musk apart with my bare hands like a rampaging chimpanzee. nobody cares

wishing death upon random tumblr users is still unacceptable. we are all just some guy. don’t be fucking rude.

you leave neil gaiman alone. he’s nice.

you FUCKING leave lynda carter alone. she’s nice.

At Christmas, my mother always makes a big pile of all the wrapping paper so we can "play" (think a leaf pile) in it for a few seconds once we've opened all the presents

All the while my dad stands anxiously nearby, ready with his trash bags, just waiting to swoop in when my mom gets tired

this is why I don't use gloves with hair dye

Peak character design is a dark gradient on the limbs or fingers

an underrated detail in pride and prejudice is that elizabeth bennett was home alone on the day darcy proposed because she had a headache. can you imagine. this was in the pre-painkillers era. you're at home with a headache and then this asshole walks into the room and tells you he loves you and wants to marry you even though he hates your whole family and you're beneath him. imagine having to deal with that while also having a headache. she doesn't even have ibuprofen

I think the message of Howl’s Moving Castle is that in order to maintain a successful relationship with some kind of fucked up wizard, you must find it in yourself to also be some kind of fucked up wizard.

Showed the kids on my hike today how to eat the goo from honey locust seed pods but told them that without their parents present to consent, I couldn’t allow them to sample it.

“But I’ll eat it,” I said, “Because I forgot to bring lunch today and I need the calories.”

The kids collectively took this to mean that they should attempt to forage for me and feed me with the bounty of the forest, so for the rest of the hike I had children shoving nuts and berries and leaves in my face like “Eat this! Eat this!” and each time I had to be like, no, that’s inedible, no, that needs to be washed and cooked, no, I can see the mold on that, no, those contain a deadly poison that will kill my body in terrible ways if I eat it. Thank you of thinking of me but please stop trying to make me eat poison.

the funniest part of my appendix removal experience was being wheeled down to the operating room and as we were going my nerves were everywhere so i half-jokingly asked the nurse taking me if she still had her appendix bc i felt not normal for getting mine out on top of having the jitters about being cut open so i was trying to fill the silence and she just.. looked mildly offended while being like “uhhhh. yeah. of course i do” like…. my bad i guess

You’re the villain and you know that, you just want the ‘good guys’ to understand why.

It's nice to feel appreciated but it's kinda annoying when it's literally not your job, and the second you give the person a chance to do their job, it all falls to shit.

I don't like micromanaging but if you give me no other choice...

what are ukuleles made of?

Guitars that have shrunk in the laundry.