"𝐒𝐂𝐀𝐑𝐈𝐋𝐘 𝐂𝐔𝐓𝐄…?"

just made a mini animation of my metal family oc, so i cant wait to share content on her soon!

i just watched howl's moving castle and im absolutely broken. howl and sophie just have my entire being, i just want to be there, in their world. I LOVE THEM <3

sobbing for you omg... thats a wild time gap :((

bkue beetle’s finally in hd!! i dont have to take scenes from the trailers for editing anymore!! and i cant wait to see jaime in hd again!!

when your parents single-handedly get you hyperfixated on another show with blue water people in it just by rewatching it

I had to make an epilogue to the Sock Princess comic because Fionna and Cake made it canon kind of. it's literally not my fault

𝐝𝐞𝐚𝐝 𝐭𝐨 𝐦𝐞 - 𝐬𝐮𝐤𝐮𝐧𝐚 𝐫𝐲𝐨𝐦𝐞𝐧

seeing his ex at an after party, but hey, who's to say he doesn't believe in second chances?

my masterlist | vogue collab masterlist !

✭ pairings: sukuna ryomen x oc actor! au

✭ warning: angst. sukuna trying to win his ex back. established gojo x oc. actor au.

✭ author’s note: first time writing for kuna!! gotta say, it was fun writing angst :)

✭ word count: 1k words

disclaimer: i’m not of japanese descent and am unfamiliar with japanese honorifics, etc. feel free to correct me!

“Oh fuck.”

Sukuna’s eyes widened, muttering in shock. His confident smirk dropped the moment Gojo Satoru walked into the room, seeing the cocky smile on the white-haired man’s face, his sky-blue eyes hidden beneath his rectangular dark blue glasses. However, the sight of Gojo didn’t catch him off guard. The sight of the black-haired woman with striking lilac eyes left him speechless.

Himiko Nakamura. The memory of her just sends a shiver down his spine, and he can feel her fierce gaze through the crowd. No matter where she went, an overpowering presence followed, even in a celebratory award-afterparty such as this. She made her name as an actress at an early age – and it was one of the things that drew him in.

Sukuna couldn’t help but plaster his pompous smirk back on his face, but the little twitch in his was evident when he spotted Gojo’s arm around her shoulder. He hated that Gojo could hold her so freely, so casually. He hated every second of it, he hated the way he smiled at her, he hated the way she gave him the smallest of smiles back. He hated the way she didn’t shove him off when he neared her, and most of all – he hated that it wasn’t him holding her in that way.

His red eyes followed Gojo with a burning stare, watching the way the white-haired man had his arm slung so casually around Himiko. He waited patiently, taking another sip of his wine as he swirled it around in the glass.

A minute or two passes before Himiko finally pulls herself away from Gojo’s arms, and Sukuna smiles to himself with a soft ‘Finally!’ as he exhales. He sees her walk further away from the popular white-haired actor and towards the row of tables filled with drinks and snacks, and his feet take him closer to her.

He takes a step closer to her, one foot in front of the other and he feels his heart pumping harder in his chest. He adjusted his scarlet suit jacket, smoothing his pink hair down with his other hand, and he couldn’t help but admire the way the dark violet dress she wore complimented her figure, the shimmer of the fabric and glitter with every little move she made.

Sukuna cleared his throat, his mind running wild with all the ways he could greet her, but none of them came up as he saw her bright lilac eyes stare into his crimson ones, and his heart stopped. She was just as beautiful as the day she left him, yet her cold gaze brought him back to reality.

“Sukuna,” Her voice called out, and the bitter way she said his name had him rolling his shoulders back.

Her tone was an ice dagger to his heart, her disdain for him evident just by how she held herself. She stood proud and tall – like the walls she had built for herself when she was with him.

“Himiko,” His smile grew, and he eyed her up and down. “Aren’t you a sight for sore eyes?”

Her sneer deepens, eyes narrowing as she speaks in that icy tone of hers, “As if you’d miss me.”

Sukuna’s eyes soften the slightest, but it flickers back to his cocky demeanour. He sees it in her eyes from how she tilts her head – she knows. Neither of them said a word about it, the pink-haired man glancing at his wine glass with an amused smile. 

“You’re sharp as ever, darling.”

“I’m not your darling,” She mumbles, “Not anymore. I think we both know that.”

He lets out a bittersweet smile, red eyes locking onto her lilac ones, “A man can dream, can’t he?”

“He certainly can, but it doesn’t mean that it’s reality.”

“But he can try until it is.”

She gives him a look, her hold on her glass tightening, “Sukuna, don’t.”

“I’m not saying anything specific,” He rolled his eyes, but his tone was uncharacteristically soft. “But… but what if I were to try again?”

Himiko’s back straightens, “I assumed so since you did hint at it, but you know why I left, Sukuna.”

“I do. But I can change, you know that Himiko.”

“Do I?” Her eyes narrowed. “Sukuna, I left you because you were so, so manipulative, you did anything to make me stay with you. I couldn’t take it, and you knew it, so forgive me if I don’t believe a single word you say.” 

Sukuna opened his mouth to say something else, but a hand on his shoulder halted him, his red eyes met sky-blue ones, and the dreaded Gojo Satoru smiled over at Sukuna with a lighthearted grin.

“Hey Sukuna, long time no see!” His grin was too wide for Sukuna’s liking. “I see you you’ve met my sweetheart.”

This irks Sukuna to no end, a smile of disbelief growing on the tattooed man’s face, “You’re her sweetheart? Himiko, he’s going to ditch you for someone else by the end of the week.”

“Nonsense!” Gojo grins widely, pulling Himiko to his side. “Miko, has he been bothering you with his bad jokes?”

“...Yeah, definitely,” Himiko mutters, leaning into Satoru’s touch. “Let’s get out of here. I’ve had enough partying for tonight.”

Sukuna could see it in her eyes, the way she avoided his gaze now. Her posture remained upright, but everything in her body language was enough to tell him she was giving him the cold shoulder. He narrowed his eyes, ignoring the way his stomach tied into knots.

“It was nice to see you around, Sukuna,” Gojo grins, but it holds a dangerous glint. “But hey, it was fantastic seeing you again.”

Sukuna rolled his eyes red eyes with a grumble, but he fell silent as Himiko eyed him as she passed, Gojo’s arm a bitter reminder that she’s not his – and he doesn’t have a chance at redemption; not like deserved one anyway. 

As she passes, the speakers blare a song, almost as if fate was mocking him, heck he barely stood a chance the moment Gojo Satoru walked in with his arm around Himiko’s shoulders. Kali Uchis’ voice rings through the venue, the upbeat tempo a sickening reminder of his failures.

‘Why can’t you see you’re dead to me? Just leave it be, you’re dead to me.’

taglist: @mooncleaver @underwateredwrld @mcmisbehaving @neteyamrealgf @khany2026 @tinkerbelle05 @iheartamajiki @sad-darksoul @yunymphs @saelestia @cheriiyaya @ladyth @cindol @thomae @yurislotusgarden

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𝐧𝐞𝐰 𝐫𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧𝐭𝐢𝐜𝐬 - 𝐢𝐭𝐚𝐝𝐨𝐫𝐢 𝐲𝐮𝐮𝐣𝐢

after an interview, yuuji can't help the bubbling feeling in his chest.

my masterlist | vogue collab masterlist !

✭ pairings: itadori yuuji x oc actor! au

✭ warning: pining. fluff. actor au.

✭ author’s note: I ADORED WRITING THIS AU SO MUCH FOR THE COLLAB AHHH!!!

✭ word count: 2.9k words

disclaimer: i’m not of japanese descent and am unfamiliar with japanese honorifics, etc. feel free to correct me!

Blinding lights and interviews. Those were the two words Itadori Yuuji thought of whenever he considered his life as an actor. He smiled, sitting on a couch with his three fellow cast members, Fushiguro Megumi, Shu Tsubame and Kugisaki Nobara as the former answered yet another interview question with ease.

Yuuji smiled at every question tossed in his co-star’s way, laughing along when Nobara responded with a silly or funny face at an intrusive question.

He couldn't resist his smile as he sat next to one of his closest friends, Tsubame, as she let out a bubbly laugh along with Nobara in response to a question he zoned out on.

“Itadori Yuuji, you have been picked for the role of the main lead for the popular manga-turned-anime ‘Jujutsu Kaisen’. What are your thoughts on the show so far?” The interviewer leaned closer in curiosity.

The pink-haired teen snapped out of his daze before he hummed in thought, answering with ease with a small laugh escaping his lips, “Well, we did just finish season one, and it was fun but the script really was something. Lots of tears on my part, but I can’t say more than that since I’m not exactly allowed to disclose what’s happened in the plot.”

Megumi nodded in agreement, the interviewer smiling as she pulled out the next question, a wide smile ever-present on her face.

“How do you think each of your characters contrasts with your real personalities?" She asked quickly, her mic in her hands. “And what would the difference be?”

The four teens looked at each other, deciding amongst themselves who would go first, Nobara taking the mic as she began to speak, Tsubame and Yuuji grinning at each other as they did a little rock-paper-scissors match to determine which among the two would go right after Megumi.

Seeing that Tsubame won – Yuuji secretly let her win, but he would never admit to that – the youngest of the four smiled widely as Megumi passed her the mic. Yuuji rested his chin in the palm of his hand, his elbow resting on the armrest of the couch as he watched her speak excitedly.

He zoned out halfway, more interested in her little mannerisms, like the little fidgets of her fingers when she stuttered a little, and in an instant, his hand reached out to hers, rubbing soothing circles on the back of her hand to soothe her nerves.

Tsubame looked lost in thought for a minute before squeezing Yuuji’s hand a little, sending butterflies through his stomach, “I think for me, what I admired most about my character is how different we are, but we both have the same ideals where we would do anything for our family. It’s just that the way we process situations is different if that makes sense – and I admire the way she’s set on achieving her goals, in other words, her motivation.”

The interviewer nodded, making small noises of agreement as she listened, “That’s interesting, now I’ve got to ask, you’ve mentioned how different your character is from your entire personality, what exactly do you mean by that?”

“I wouldn’t say we’re super similar,” Tsubame laughs shyly. “But my character’s more closed off, definitely more guarded than me. Oh, and she’s super stoic but I feel like I’m… I’m more…”

“Bubbly?” Yuuji smiled, finishing her sentence as she nodded with a giggle.

“Yes! Exactly, I’m so much more bubbly than her so it was tough having to keep a straight face on set for long takes.”

“She couldn’t stop smiling, you know?” The pink-haired teen beside her grinned. “And she kept playing Taylor Swift’s ‘New Romantics’ on loop while dancing around on set.”

Tsubame giggles again, Megumi and Nobara smiling over at their young friend who they saw as a little sibling. Megumi laughed a little, “And we had non-stop karaoke sessions off-set, so that was fun.”

“Anyway Yuuji, what do you think was different between you and your character’s personality?” Tsubame hummed in question as the four teens grinned at the memories.

Tsubame gently handed the mic to Yuuji as he hummed in thought at the interviewer’s question, “What differences were there between my role and I? I’d say that he’s a little more hyper than I am, so it’s like I have to boost my energy up just a little bit more to keep up with him. It’s always fun because just being with everyone is enough to excite me.”

His three other friends smiled up at him widely, the four of them glad that they had such a close bond, Nobara laughing as she pointed at Yuuji playfully.

“You’re such a softie, Itadori!” Nobara laughed, leaning over Megumi to lightly punch Yuuji’s arm.

Seeing this, the interviewer grinned, “It seems like you all are close, why don't you describe your off-screen relationships with each other, considering that you all are one friend group in both the show and real life?"

The four of them looked at each other before Yuuji began, “Megumi and I just sort of instantly clicked in a sense? Like he’s my best friend, and I’d trust him with my life. Nobara’s like a ridiculous, but sassy older sister, and Tsubame’s just a really, really sweet person overall.”

“Aw,” Tsubame smiles, squeezing Yuuji’s hand tighter in a comforting manner. “Yuuji’s super sweet too, he’s selling himself short, everybody knows him as the sunshine boy.”

“You both certainly have some chemistry,” The interviewer laughed, Tsubame and Yuuji laughing with pink cheeks as Nobara and Megumi smiled knowingly.

“But I think we can all agree that Tsubame’s like the little sibling we’d protect at all cost,” Nobara shrugs. “We all get along on set, and she pretty much pulls us all together with the copious amounts of energy she has.”

Tsubame smiled with a small shrug, releasing Yuuji’s hand as he chuckled at her reaction. The interviewer smiled at the sight, thanking the four teens, “That concludes today’s interview, but it was wonderful to have you all on set today! ‘Jujutsu Kaisen’ will be streaming on all platforms soon…”

The voice of the interviewer faded away as the four teens waved, the cameras soon cutting, bright lights fading. Tsubame sighed softly in exhaustion, leaning against the couch as Megumi chuckled at her reaction.

“That was tough,” Tsubame laughed a little, Yuuji placing a hand on her shoulder reassuringly.

“You did good,” He smiled, Nobara humming as she stood up, pulling her junior up with her.

“Yeah, what Itadori said, now c’mon, let’s get some bubble tea!” Nobara grinned widely, pulling Tsubame along, winking over at Yuuji as soon as Tsubame’s back was turned.

The two girls left the boys behind, Yuuji and Megumi following a fair bit away from the two girls ahead of them.

“So no luck?” Megumi began, snapping Yuuji out of his daze as the four stars walked down the hallways of the broadcast show’s building.

“What? Oh– yeah, no luck so far,” Yuuji shook his head. “How’d you know?”

“You still have that pining look on your face.”

“Oh…”

Yuuji felt his cheeks turn pink, his eyes focused on the floor before they found Tsubame’s figure again as she laughed alongside Nobara. His heart thumped in his chest, and he bit the inside of his cheek nervously with a sheepish smile.

“Am I really that obvious?” He whispered, Megumi giving a face at the boy he so adored.

“The interviewer did say you both have chemistry.”

Yuuji blushes hard with a little smile, “The fans are gonna go wild, huh?”

“Yup.”

“Fantastic…”

“Yuuji!” Tsubame grinned, walking over to her best friend with a little grin. “Whatcha doin’?”

Yuuji’s eyes widened as he felt Tsubame sidle up to him, smiling as she sat beside him on the little couch in their shared hotel room – a temporary fix until they completed their next interview.

“Tsu, hey,” Yuuji grinned softly, scooting over a little to let her sit next to him.

He let her lean closer to him, letting her peer over his shoulder as he scrolled through the instagram app on his phone.

He shrugged nonchalantly, “Just going through the comments on my newest post.”

Instantly, he felt her smaller frame lean more into him as he scrolled, his cheeks heating up the closer she neared him. The smell of her shampoo suddenly smelled strong as lavender, sandalwood and rose scents filled his senses. The pink-haired teen struggled to hold back the urge to just pull her into his arms and smother her face with little pecks.

“Wh– hey is that a picture of me?”

His body tensed the slightest as her big coffee-coloured eyes looked up at him, her eyebrow raised in amusement as she smiled cheekily, spotting her image among his little collage of slides.

He laughed softly, smiling at the picture he snapped of her. It was the three of his closest friends on the beach, but as Nobara and Megumi were far out in the background, the focus on the image was of Tsubame in her white sundress. A matching white sundress sat on her head as a pink ribbon flowed in the wind, a wide smile on her face as she held the hat down to prevent it from flying away.

Just the sight of her wide smile made a smile of his own grow. There was something about how peaceful and comforted she was to smile so freely that just made his heart beat harder in his chest at the sight of her genuine joy.

“Yeah, of course?” He chuckled, pulling her into a hug. “Why wouldn’t I include my favourite picture of my favourite person here?”

She grinned, and it was enough to make his heart flutter like a wild bird in his chest, aching to break free of its cage of ribs, “D’aw, I’m your favourite person?”

“Obviously, you’re so cute and squishy and perfect to hug,” He laughs, squeezing her tighter as she squeaks a little at the sensation of his arms tightening around her waist, Yuuji gently pulling her onto his lap.

“Please, easy on the ribs, Yuu!” She giggled, “You always hug me so tight.”

He only laughs at her in response, nuzzling his nose into her neck and letting her pick up his phone as she scrolled through the comments. He didn’t care about what she did, as long as she enjoyed herself in his hold.

“Wow… the comments are really piling up,” She whistled softly in amazement, and Yuuji only hummed in acknowledgement, just savouring the moment he had to cuddle her before she pulled away, his feelings as unsaid and unrequited as before.

She continues to scroll through the evergrowing comments, eyes widening at the top comment as she gently brings the phone to his face buried in her neck.

“Yuu, you should read this,” She smiles a little. “People are talking about you, you know?”

Yuuji cracks one eye open, resting his chin on her shoulder as his hazel eyes scan over the little white text as he quickly reads the comment.

“You know, they’re not wrong, we would make an incredibly cute couple,” Yuuji grinned, and the proximity between them caused Tsubame to blush the slightest as she felt his whisper against her cheek.

She giggled softly again, “Yeah? You think so? I’m surprised you’d agree so easily.”

His eyes widened and he couldn’t help the way he felt his heart drop the slightest. Had he been reading the signs wrong? Was his affection truly to be unrequited?

“Why? What’s so surprising about it?” He asked softly, his face leaning closer to hers in genuine curiosity, but he didn’t miss the way her already pink cheeks turned red. It caused his heart to soar with pride and joy to know that he made her blush.

“W-Well, I mean,” She looks away for the briefest second, gently pushing her hair behind her ear, “We didn’t really… I-I mean, we’re not dating, and we’re best friends, Yuu.”

His heart officially dropped to his stomach, his smile disappearing as he whispered a soft, ‘ah’. He loosened his grip around her waist the slightest, but something bubbled up in his chest. The truth of his feelings towards her lingered on his mind, and he didn’t like the way he fidgeted, knowing that he wouldn’t be satisfied until he at least tried to tell her how he felt – it didn’t feel right otherwise.

Gently, he picked up one of her hands, his thumbs gently running over her knuckles as he focused his gaze on her smaller hand in his as he felt his cheeks warm, “Tsubame, there’s… there’s something I want to tell you.”

“What’s up?” Tsubame tilted her head, placing his phone aside as she gave him her full attention.

“Tsubame, this whole process with you, being your colleague, your co-star, your best friend… it’s all been an amazing experience,” He smiles fondly at the memories they’ve shared. “And the more I spend time around you, the more I see the real you, and the more I feel my heart beat faster when you smile, and the more I want to be the reason that little spark appears in your eyes when you look my way.”

His amber eyes met her widened oak ones, his emotion so strong, so present that she couldn’t help the way her breath hitched the slightest. He took her silence as a sign to go on, seeing that her eyes were solely trained on him and not on the way his phone vibrated beside her.

“I know it’s a stupid comment on an instagram post, but I can’t imagine being anywhere but by your side. And if you don’t feel the same, I’ll understand as long as we stay friends… so please, Tsubame, let me just say this that I… I love you.”

Those three words. Those three little words finally escaped his lips, his heart pounding in anticipation, but he could finally breathe, feeling a weight vanish from his chest. He watches every little reaction on the face of the girl he loves, from the way she now breathed softly to the way she looked at him so gently.

“You… you love me?” She whispers, and he nods without any hesitation, now holding both of her hands in his larger ones.

“From the moment I met you, from the moment you smiled at me with that little excited wave of yours. Cupid struck me with its arrow right then and there,” He smiles breathlessly. “Now I need to ask you, and don’t be afraid to speak your mind, please… do you feel the same?”

A heartbeat. Then two. Then–

“Yes.”

Yuuji couldn’t believe his ears, his eyes widening as he saw a smile grow on her soft-pink cheeks. He felt his own cheeks warm as he saw that little shine in her eyes that he adored, even if her dark brown bangs covered most of her left eye.

“Y-You… Did I hear you right?” He whispered softly, his heartbeat picking up. He smiled when he saw her nod, her own gentle smile growing as she blushed at the feeling of his hands holding hers.

“Yes,” She smiles, a giggle growing in her chest, “Yes, Yuuji. I love you, too.”

He smiles wider, pulling her close as he laughs softly, “You mean it? You really mean it?”

“Duh!” She grins, leaning closer to him as she squeezes his hands back, “I really thought I was being obvious ever since our first karaoke…”

“Not one bit. I didn’t have a clue,” He laughs, pulling his hand away to cup her cheek, his forehead resting on hers. “God, we’re blind.”

Tsubame laughs along, her warm cheeks mirroring his own, “The blindest.”

His thumb gently strokes her cheek as he looks at her with the softest glance and touch, as though if he held her any harsher, she would vanish in a cloud of dreams, and he would wake up all alone, without her in his arms.

He lowered his voice, his caramel eyes darting to her upturned lips, and his heart thumped at the thought he had in his head.

“...May I– Tsubame can I kiss you, please?”

Yuuji adored the way her cheeks exploded into a warm shade of red, her smile changing into one of bashfulness. Finally, she whispered back, giving him the pass he so desperately longed for.

“Yes.”

He leaned in just as she leaned up, her lips just softly pressing against his as he felt his chest explode with butterflies. Tsubame smiled widely, her heart beating faster as their lips locked, softly pressed against each other – pure and innocent, just like their moment.

When they finally pulled away, their faces were covered in a scarlet hue, shy smiles and little giggles escaping them as they enjoyed their moment. Tsubame smiled at him lopsidedly, resting her head on his shoulder as he grabbed his phone.

“Say cheese!”

The camera snapped, Tsubame giggling as Yuuji pecked her cheek, the flash flickering on and off as Yuuji grinned at her bubbly laugh. When he lowered his hand, he posted the image on his instagram story, adding a little caption.

“Thanks for the little encouragement!” He hummed, tagging the girl in his arms before posting it.

After a minute or two, a message from Nobara appeared, and it made Yuuji chuckle at it.  It was as if he were hearing her tone through the text, as though she were right there to express her exasperation.

“Finally! It’s about damn time.”

taglist: @mooncleaver @underwateredwrld @mcmisbehaving @neteyamrealgf @khany2026 @tinkerbelle05 @iheartamajiki @sad-darksoul @yunymphs @saelestia @cheriiyaya @ladyth

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Green-Eyed Monster (Ezra Bridger / Reader)

Fandom: Star Wars

Pairing: Ezra Bridger/Reader

Summary:

“ Your one insecurity had always been that you were second to Sabine. Even when Ezra had disappeared all those years ago and your heart had painfully torn in two, you still felt second best. Ezra had left you a beautiful little message telling you he loved you for the first time before he had disappeared, yet Sabine had received one too. Even worse, Ahsoka had taken Sabine as an apprentice years ago instead of you though you both lacked an affinity for the force. Another insult your insecurities had twisted into a blade against you.

Now, ten years later, that jealousy had not dissipated. Instead, it had crossed with the horrible feeling of guilt.

While you had mourned Ezra’s death and moved on slowly, Sabine had never given up hope. She had remained on Lothal for years and always kept her ear out for news of Ezra. You had returned to your home planet and given up hope of ever finding your childhood sweetheart. Sabine had beat you yet again in seemingly being a better option for Ezra.”

Reader gets reunited with Ezra after ten years all while tormented by the thought that Sabine would be a better fit for him.

Warnings: Depictions of a panic attack. Spoilers for Ahsoka Season 1.

Word Count: 7,962

Expected Reading Time: 28:57

Jealousy. There’s a horrible feeling deep in your very bones that rakes a claw down your being. You can feel every deep gash clearly as you scowl at the bottom of your tea. Your fingers curl and uncurl against the handle of the mug as Sabine chatters with Ahsoka.

Huyang turns his mechanic head towards you from the pilot seat and Ahsoka glances your way as if sensing your turmoil from the force, but Sabine remains oblivious. Once more, everyone can sense your emotions except the very target of your ire. You bury your anger as you take a long sip of the tea and let the liquid burn your tongue.

It’s been ten years since you lost Ezra and you still can’t manage to reel in the jealousy you feel towards Sabine. She’s an old friend, someone you trust implicitly, and yet the ugly green eyed monster rears its head every time she’s near.

Ever since you were kids, you envied her. She was an old friend from your imperial academy days and seemed to be better than you even then. She was born to high ranked Mandalorian parents whereas you were born the youngest to farmers in a backwater planet. She climbed up high in the academy and won awards while you hid in her shadow and merely fulfilled requirements. She was scouted by Hera and the rebels while you simply tagged along for the ride.

And she was the person that Ezra originally had a crush on while you watched painfully from the sidelines.

Ten years ago, you had fallen in love with someone you thought you could never have. One Ezra Bridger had won you over and crushed your heart without meaning to. While you had pined for him in the background, he had pined over Sabine. You had watched it all happen while cursing yourself for yet again not being as great as her.

Even after a miracle had happened and Ezra’s sights had turned to you, you had still felt jealousy towards Sabine. While Ezra had reassured you that he liked you and made you his girlfriend, you had still harbored some resentment towards your oldest friend. There had always been a little voice inside your head that had taunted you with the knowledge that Ezra was only yours because Sabine hadn’t wanted him. That you had been a consolation prize and second best.

Your one insecurity had always been that you were second to Sabine. Even when Ezra had disappeared all those years ago and your heart had painfully torn in two, you still felt second best. Ezra had left you a beautiful little message telling you he loved you for the first time before he had disappeared, yet Sabine had received one too. Even worse, Ahsoka had taken Sabine as an apprentice years ago instead of you though you both lacked an affinity for the force. Another insult your insecurities had twisted into a blade against you.

Now, ten years later, that jealousy had not dissipated. Instead, it had crossed with the horrible feeling of guilt.

While you had mourned Ezra’s death and moved on slowly, Sabine had never given up hope. She had remained on Lothal for years and always kept her ear out for news of Ezra. You had returned to your home planet and given up hope of ever finding your childhood sweetheart. Sabine had beat you yet again in seemingly being a better option for Ezra.

For years, she had tried to get you on her side. She had told you to not give up hope and to help her find Ezra, yet you had pushed her away. Your grief and heartache were easier to manage if you told yourself Ezra was gone for good. As much as it pained you, you gave up all hope and harshly rebuked Sabine for still clinging to the idea of him returning. Anything to kill the last shreds of hope that remained within you before time could do it for you.

You had, had a massive falling out and hadn’t spoken in years. Not until Hera had commed you with Ahsoka and told you to return to Lothal because of a lead Ahsoka had about Thrawn.

Thrawn, Hera claimed, was the key to finding Ezra. The two of them had disappeared together. If one of them was rumored to be alive, the other might be too.

You had come back to Lothal after much trepidation and reunited with Sabine. To her credit, she had accepted you back into her group even if things between you were awkward and strained.

Still, being back near her and reopening the wound of Ezra’s disappearance had brought back a decade worth of insecurity and envy.

The tea burns down your throat as you finish it off. You wish Ashoka had packed something stronger. Were you back home, you would have loved to drink until the edge wore off.

Stuck in a ship with Sabine though, you bite your lip.

It truly isn’t fair, you know. Sabine was your oldest friend. You had met at the imperial academy and struck a friendship. You both had joined the empire as a way to rise in rank for your families, and both had seen past the gilded veneer of fascism. Once upon a time, you two regarded each other as sisters and you made quite the trio with Ketsu-

But fate had driven a wedge between you. You had fallen for someone who liked Sabine at the time and always felt second best. That jealousy had torn you to shreds and created a wall between the two of you. You aren’t sure how to manage it and the thought stings.

The call of your name brings you out of your thoughts. Sabine remains unaware of the darkness coiling inside you and calls for you to look over something. She’s brought her research with her and has been pouring over diagrams that she thinks could help in the hunt for Ezra.

You wander over to her side and pretend to make sense of the mess of lines and circles she’s drawn on a holomap. Ahsoka eyes you wearily as Sabine talks and you suppress the urge to clench your fists.

“No, I’ve never seen this galaxy either,” you murmur. Your eyes don’t even gaze at the map Sabine is pointing at. Your mind is miles away running from you and the horrible pit in your stomach that grows with every second.

Guilt and jealousy swirl within you. You are angry. Furious even. Angry at Sabine for dragging you back in the hopes of finding a man you love that you’ve tried hard to get over. Angry at the force for tearing Ezra away from you-

And angry at yourself for yet again being weaker than Sabine.

Sabine had never given up. While you had run from Lothal and tried hard to forget your childhood sweetheart, Sabine had remained steadfast. It was she who had unlocked the map coordinates while you had stared at that damn ball for hours until your head hurt and your eyes had turned red. It was Sabine who could think of a million different ways to continue the hunt while you could barely keep yourself from screaming.

In every way that counted, in every Maker’s damned one sided competition, she had always been ahead.

“Can you read this for me-?“

Sabine reaches past you to click on a screen. Projections of documents appear before you all with the names of different galaxies and star maps. You clench your jaw as you notice all the notes she’s taken over each document. She’s been at it for years, no doubt, always searching. Never giving up. Unlike you-

The one person that should have never given up on Ezra. The one who had sworn to love him forever, the one who had dreamed of marrying him, the one who should have been fighting from the beginning to find him-

Ahsoka’s hand touches your shoulder. You turn your head and find her gaze on you.

“Perhaps Huyang should look over the information instead. He can process it faster,” Ahsoka tells Sabine.

Huyang accepts the assignment and takes the tablet from Sabine. Sabine hardly notices the way you glare in her direction.

“Are you feeling alright?” Ahsoka questions. Her tone is gentle yet firm. Concerned for your feelings yet weary of the darkness inside you.

Briefly, you remember Kanan and Ezra discussing the force. Mentioning how they could sometimes sense emotions and tell when people were struggling. You’re sure Ahsoka has noticed how you flicker between rage and heartbreak over and over again.

You aren’t sure whether you should apologize or thank her for interceding. Had she not stepped in, you think you might have snapped and started screaming at Sabine to leave you alone.

“Fine,” you whisper back.

You certainly don’t feel fine and the lie tastes bitter in your mouth, but you shrug away her arm. Murmuring something about needing a break, you move past the group and disappear into another room of the ship.

Huyang’s workshop is tidy and neatly organized. You take stock of every lightsaber piece as your fingers trace every groove and indent.

To add further insult to injury, you don’t have possession of Ezra’s lightsaber either. You had, had it once right after Lothal had been freed but had surrendered it to Sabine on Ahsoka’s suggestion. When Ahsoka had decided to train Sabine as a Jedi over you, you had silently handed over the last remnant of the boy you loved and stormed off broken and bitter.

The lightsaber pieces around you are each different. You don’t see anything that resembles Ezra’s pieces anywhere. After a while, you end up just sliding into an empty seat and your head falls into your hands.

Everything is utterly in disarray. Your mind races with a million thoughts and you’re sure your heart is a pile of jagged pieces each shattered beyond repair.

The truth of the matter is that you know your insecurities are right. Sabine is better than you. At everything.

Had she liked Ezra back years ago, he would have never looked in your direction. The bittersweet memories you had of dating him would have never happened. You would have never been chosen if his first choice hadn’t panned out. Ezra had tried once to tell you that it wasn’t true, that he had genuinely fallen for you and it had nothing to do with Sabine only seeing him as a brother, but you hadn’t believed him.

And now? Now she was definitely better than you.

You had given up. You had once promised Ezra to love him forever yet had believed him dead. You had left Lothal, the planet he had sacrificed everything to protect, and suppressed every memory of him. You had dated around in hopes of forgetting his ghost and tried hard to move on-

All while Sabine had never lost hope. She had always fought for him and looked everywhere. She had never once believed him gone. You had the obligation to search for him as his girlfriend, yet you had failed him. Had it not been for Sabine, Ezra would have been truly lost.

The thought makes you want to scream. You grit your teeth tightly until your jaw hurts. If you weren’t so indebted to Sabine for finding a lead, you think you’d want to swing at her. She’s always been better than you. Ezra should have just held out for her all along rather than taking you as a consolation prize.

Feeling suddenly like you’re suffocating, you slam your fist into the control panel to slide open the door. Sabine looks up as you enter and Ahsoka quietly moves to allow you to retake your old seat. You ignore them all as you slide into place and hover your fingers over the tablet.

You need a distraction. Anything to keep the terrible feelings at bay. You slam some keys down until the maps disappear and you’re staring at a blank slate.

Quietly, you bury yourself in your work all the while stewing and boiling with rage.

———————————————

Days later, Sabine’s determination beats you once more. Cornered by Baylan and Shin, you and Sabine are forced to make a choice on what to do. Ashoka is gone and the map is in Sabine’s possession. You two have to decide whether to turn it over to the very people Ahsoka wanted to keep it from or cling to the hope that Ezra can be found.

When Baylan promises to take you both to him, you hesitate. Ahsoka’s words play over and over again in your head. She has long been warning you about what will happen if Thrawn returns. You know she would want you to destroy the map and keep Thrawn in exile forever-

But what about Ezra? Will destroying the map strand him wherever he is forever too? Will you give up your last chance at ever finding him?

Your mind and your heart wage a war. You want desperately to see Ezra again but you remember his sacrifice. You know he’d want to protect the galaxy from the Empire. You don’t know what to do-

In the end, Sabine beats you to it. Better than you in every way, she hands over the map to Baylan. She accepts the terms for you both and tells you to drop your weapon with a calm, clear voice. You both hate her and feel grateful that she’s taken the choice out of your hands.

You let them cuff you and don’t even react when Shin uses the force to cut off your airway. Nothing she could possibly do could hurt more than the ugly feeling of being a disappointment. Once more, Sabine has proven herself a better fit for Ezra than you. Were he to ever find out that you hesitated on this choice, you think he’d leave you once and for all and realize that Sabine has always been better for him.

When you and Sabine face off Thrawn, you hardly pay attention. The villain that plagued you for years hasn’t changed much. His glowing red eyes sweep over you with mild boredom before he directs all his attention at Sabine. He seems genuinely unamused when he realizes Sabine has traded the galaxy for the hope of finding Ezra.

You feel a cold knife twist in your stomach and look away as Sabine faces Thrawn off. There is no hesitation or remorse in her gaze when she coldly tells Thrawn that he could never understand. You wince feeling guilty at the memory of your own hesitation.

It seems like Sabine is the only one completing this journey. When the two of you mount your steeds, it’s her who fights off the bandits. She moves like a lightning strike taking them down while you throw punches and kicks at random barely managing to take down one while she’s got the squad down in moments. When a Noti appears, it’s Sabine who realizes he’s wearing a Jedi symbol on his clothing.

You feel like a shadow merely following her around. Every new revelation and step closer to finding Ezra brings you both joy and envy.

Sabine feels like she’s better suited for the role of Ezra’s partner compared to you. She’s been loyal, determined, and fierce in his search. You, who had a responsibility to find him, had given up. Ezra deserved better than you.

By the time you make it back to Noti’s village, you feel the weight of your own soul crushing you. You feel painfully jealous, angry at yourself, and broken down. You try to ignore Sabine as she urges you forward telling you that something about this particular village feels different.

You’re so downtrodden that you don’t even realize someone is calling your name until you turn your head and hear Sabine’s breath hitch. Time seems to slow down as your eyes meet a striking blue that you haven’t seen in years. Your heart races and you move to run at Ezra-

When Sabine beats you to it.

She all but rushes past you to beat you to Ezra first. Ezra, half way to you, is interrupted as Sabine crashes into him. Her arms wrap around his frame and she buries her head into his neck. He looks like he wants to move to you for a brief moment before he hugs her back and greets her for the first time in ten years.

You hang back awkwardly watching the love of your life embrace someone else. Every hurtful thought you’ve ever heard about not deserving to be at Ezra’s side plays over and over again in your mind. Worse still, you are forced to see how good Sabine looks with Ezra. They click together like puzzle pieces and look perfect. Two halves of the same whole.

A coldness seeps into your very bones. You suppress the tears forming and grit your teeth painfully. If anything, Sabine deserves this moment. She’s the one who found Ezra. You don’t deserve him.

Despite the way it almost kills you to see Sabine steal your moment, you hang back. The ugly insecurities in you taunt and laugh as you watch them. You can’t escape the feeling that you’re an outsider looking in and intruding in a moment that you don’t deserve.

It feels like an eternity when the two of them finally separate. Sabine is smiling wide oblivious to your pain. Slowly, Ezra moves away from her and moves towards you instead. You force yourself to shove aside the familiar jealousy deciding that seeing Ezra again after a decade is worth more than the agony in your chest.

You meet Ezra halfway as he runs. Your own arms wrap around his frame and he all but picks you up to hold you close. He breathes out your name and you’re struck by how different he is.

Your hands shake as you press your palms to his face. He has a beard now, his cheeks are thin, no doubt from the lack of food, and there’s a certain maturity in his eyes that wasn’t there before-

But he’s Ezra.

Tears spill before you can stop them. His fingers wipe them away gently and his smile is bright. He says your name again like a sacred prayer.

“You’re alive,” you whisper. It’s the only sentence that you can form past the haze. Everything feels so surreal.

Ezra stands in front of you. The love of your life. The boy that had won you over ten years ago and never once let you go-

The one a part of you isn’t sure you deserve.

Ezra presses his forehead against yours. A familiar little habit he had back from when you were kids. A way to soothe you and reassure you that everything is going to be okay-

A sob breaks past your lips at the familiar action and you busy yourself burying your head in his chest. He holds you tighter to him. Underneath your palms, his heart races.

For a moment, every insecurity stops. The cold words you tell yourself over and over again in your head quiet for just this one moment. A sense of peace fills you and everything makes sense. For just a moment, all of the pain of the last decade goes away.

Ezra moves his head forward like he’s going to kiss you. He seems hesitant, unsure if he still has the right after a decade, and you want to meet him halfway-

But then Sabine interrupts the moment. She’s being herded by a Noti away and another one chirps out a different language to Ezra. You suddenly remember where you are you and draw back too fast. It feels maddening to separate from him after losing him for so long, but you think it’s better this way. It’s not like you deserve to kiss him after everything you’ve done.

The loss of him hurts like an open wound. You miss holding him. After ten years, you had given up hope of ever having that chance. It feels so cruel to lose it now-

And of course Sabine had to ruin this moment too. She’s always ruined everything for you. Perhaps she’s finally realized her feelings for Ezra and how better she is for him than you.

Your blood feels cold as you watch her grab his arm. She links their arms together and begins speaking. He gives you one last look over his shoulder before a Noti grabs your own arm to tug you forward. You are forced to trail after them feeling like a third wheel among their partnership. Something you’ve tended to always feel when the three of you are together.

They form a good team. It looks entirely natural for the two of them to be together. Sabine just makes sense at his side. She’s saved him after you’d given up, always been beside him throughout your time together as members of the Ghost, and was the first person he was ever interested in. It makes perfect sense for her to be the one with him.

A painful lump forms in your throat and you wave away the Noti’s concern when it curiously looks up at you. You trail silently through the village as Ezra begins to explain everything.

He tells you and Sabine pieces of his time here. He tells you how he and Thrawn made it here, how he ran from Thrawn and found the Noti by chance, and how he’s spent time with them since. They’re a peaceful people and have welcomed him into their ranks. He accompanies them on their travels, but he’s ready to come home.

He smiles at you both as he thanks you for coming back for him. He can’t wait to return to your galaxy and see Hera, Zeb, and Chopper.

Guilt grips you tightly. You don’t have the courage to admit that you had thought him lost. Had it not been for Sabine, he would have remained on this forsaken planet forever.

A coward to the end, you bite your tongue and hesitate at his words. When Ezra tries to move towards you, hand shyly reaching for your own, you move away as if his touch burns. You don’t think you deserve his gratefulness. Not with how awful you’ve been all these years.

It’s almost a relief when Sabine takes over. As much as it pains you to see her slowly replace you, you know you deserve it.

Before Ezra can ask you what’s wrong, you turn away and pretend to be busy with a Noti who is patching up something to the far side of the village. You turn your back on Sabine and Ezra and remain rigid as they walk away. Ezra keeps glancing back at you from time to time while Sabine urges him along to discuss things with him.

By the time they’re finally gone, you wander off further from the village and then promptly bury your head in your hands. The last of your strength leaves you and you sink to the ground below. The pain you’ve been suppressing returns in waves and you give in to the horrible voices that tell you what a terrible person you are and how you don’t deserve Ezra.

———————————————

By the time the sun sets, you’re a ticking time bomb. You’ve spent a long time wallowing in self pity. Everything aches as you make the trek back to the village.

The Noti are tiny, so it’s not hard to spot Sabine and Ezra. Ezra is holding something by the fire while Sabine messes with her vambrace. She seemingly hasn’t told Ezra about how the two of you are stuck here and how Ahsoka is dead.

When you get back, both of their attention is turned towards you. Ezra lights up and waves you over. He means to let you sit with them, but you quickly note that there’s no room. The Noti are half your size and don’t use large spaces. The log Ezra and Sabine sit at is out of room. You have no place beside Ezra with Sabine there.

Suppressing a grimace, you elect to remain standing.

“What are you two up to?” You ask. Your voice sounds colder than you intended, bitter.

Ezra looks at you and you evade his gaze. There’s something deep in his eyes that you don’t want to dwell too long on. He looks like he doesn’t quite know what to make of you. You have a feeling you aren’t who he remembers.

Good.

Maybe if he no longer recognizes you, he can give you a clean break. It’s become very apparent that you no longer belong at his side. Perhaps if he realizes he made a mistake in choosing you once upon a time, he can find someone better. The sooner he moves on the sooner you can kill what’s left of your broken heart.

Sabine is the one who answers. You’re quite frankly sick of her by then.

“I was telling Ezra everything’s that’s happened since he’s been gone. The Empire, Lothal, everything,” she responds.

Ezra awkwardly nods at her words. You feel a pit form in your stomach. Idly you wonder if Sabine has told Ezra how terrible you’ve been. Wonder if he knows you had given up on the hope of ever seeing him and tried to move on. Is that why he can’t seem to look at you anymore?

Anger and pain throb in your chest. You squeeze your jaw together.

The rest of the night passes far too quickly. Ezra and Sabine chat until the embers of the fire die down. You respond only when necessary and keep your remarks short.

Every once in a while, you think you see Ezra stealing glances at you but you ignore him. It feels like you’re having a terrible out of body experience. You’re so close to him, finally after mourning him for a decade, yet you know you have no right to rejoice at finding him. The guilt and jealousy you feel outweigh everything else.

It’s a mercy when the Noti begin to prepare to sleep. They offer the perfect excuse for the night to finally come to a close.

Ezra stands up and runs a hand through his hair.

“I sleep in the big room over there. It’s as human sized as you can get here. You both look exhausted. The journey here couldn’t have been easy. Why don’t you both take it? It wouldn’t be the first time I’ve slept outside with the Noti,” Ezra offers.

“We can’t take your place-“

“I insist,” Ezra interrupts Sabine, “I’m used to camping out. The Noti constantly move from place to place seeking shelter so sometimes we have to rough it on the ground. It’s nothing unusual. You both can take it.”

Sabine glances at you with a nod of her head.

“Is that alright with you? You wanna share that tent with

me?” She asks.

Both Ezra and Sabine seem to be very interested in your answer. Ezra searches your face for something. You think there’s a question he’s longing to ask, something he’s dying to know, but he can’t bring himself to say it. It seems like he’s too afraid of whatever he thinks he’ll find or won’t find.

Truthfully, you don’t have the patience to speculate on what the two of them are trying to find out. It’s been a long day and you’ve suffered enough already.

You shrug, “Fine.”

A one word response. Sabine blinks and Ezra winces. There’s almost a flash of pain in his gaze before he looks away. You highly suspect that whatever test has just transpired, you’ve failed.

Sabine shares a glance with Ezra. You try to ignore the way the knife in your heart twists to see them communicate silently. Years apart and yet they seem to still know each other well enough to talk through simple glances and looks.

It’s all too much. You spin on your heel and march off mumbling some excuse about being exhausted.

Inside the metal tent, you close your eyes and count to ten. There’s a roar in your ears and a headache forming at the very back of your skull. You aren’t sure how much more this you can take. Already, it feels like you’re hitting a boiling point.

Everything feels terrible. The jealousy, the heartbreak, the anger, the guilt. All of it is becoming too much.

By the time Sabine returns, you’re at your limit. You don’t even flinch when she waves a hand in front of your face to test if you’re paying attention.

“What’s wrong?” She sounds concerned as she peers down at you, “You’ve been out of it all day. I thought you’d be really happy. I mean, we found Ezra-“

A scoff breaks out before you can stop it. You hate that she’s using the word “we.”There is no “we” here. It’s all her. It’s always been her. She’s the hero who saved Ezra. You’re the terrible ex girlfriend that abandoned him.

“I’m just tired,” you shrug. It’s a weak lie. She doesn’t seem to buy it as she presses you more.

“You’re not acting okay. I didn’t think you’d want to share a room with me. I thought you’d make an excuse to get out of it.”

Your eyes roll. She stops and stares at you as if finally realizing just how angry you are.

By now, the pain is cooling to anger. There’s a rage vibrating deep within you towards her. You’d love nothing more than to shut her up once and for all.

She calls your name with a frown. Concern and frustration are evident in her face.

“Seriously, is everything okay? Ezra wanted you to stay with him outside. He was waiting for you to ask to stay with him-“

“Well, didn’t you want to stay with him? You should have volunteered,” you tug angrily at your jacket. The fury is burning you from the inside. You feel like a star about to combust. It takes all of your strength to remain composed.

Sabine has the gall to look confused. She makes a face like she doesn’t get it. You aren’t sure whether she’s being coy or if she’s just dying to hear you spell it out to her.

“What are you talking about?” She moves to grab your arm. Perhaps she wants you to face her and explain why you’re suddenly so angry, “You hurt him, you know. He doesn’t know where he stands with you. You haven’t spoken to him or made a move. He’s scared you’ve moved on-“

“Oh, I’m sure you’ll comfort him. You’ve been much better for him than me,” you bite.

Again, there’s a moment of confusion. By now, Sabine herself is growing frustrated with your attitude. It seems she can’t wrap her head around why you’re so upset.

“What is wrong with you? Seriously. You finally get Ezra back and you just ice him out-“

Something snaps. The anger you’ve been suppressing spills forward like a dam. Before you can even think about what you’re doing, you’re shoving her as hard as you can away from you. There’s a sense of satisfaction in the way you take her by surprise. She’s much stronger than you, yet you manage to make her slam into the metal walls. Her armor makes a satisfying thud when it collides against them.

“Oh, shut up, Sabine!”

You move to shove her again, rage boiling over.

It’s all too much. Every negative emotion you’ve been feeling since Sabine unlocked the map where you failed has spilled over. You feel like a bomb exploding. You aren’t a violent person, yet you find yourself pushing her again.

This time, she’s ready for you. Her eyes are wide and there’s shock in her voice when she calls your name. She grabs your wrist and twists you around until she’s holding your arms in place. A move you had only ever seen her do on stormtroopers.

“Maker, what’s wrong-?”

Her voice trails off in shock as you shove off her hold. You press your hands to your face feeling adrenaline course through your veins. It burns white hot against your skin. You swear you feel your blood boiling.

“Do you know how sick I am of you?” You jab a finger at the center of her chest plate, “You just have to rub everything in. I get it, alright? I get that you’re better than me. You have always been better at everything. I never stood a chance.”

You back away from her suddenly feeling like you’re boxed in. The anger is coursing red hot but there’s something else there. It’s all consuming and harsh. You feel it practically strangling you.

While you are threatened by Sabine’s presence, some part of you knows it’s not just her that’s causing this outburst. Really, it’s more than that. A part of you is just angry with yourself.

It’s yourself you despise. Had it not been for Sabine, Ezra would have been stuck here forever. You had given up on ever finding him. For all your promises of loving him years ago, you had simply given up. He would have never have given up on you.

Spinning around, you press your fists against your eyelids to try and stop the tears forming behind your eyes.

“You found him. I gave up on him,” you whisper. It’s a harsh admission out loud, “You’re better than me. He deserves better. He deserves you.”

Sabine is stunned. She blinks and makes a face like she can’t believe what you just said. You don’t have it in you to explain. The anger is slowly becoming despair. You want nothing more than to just curl up into a ball and die.

“What? I-Do you-Is that what this is about? You think I have feelings for Ezra?” She takes you by the shoulders and holds you steady.

You’re shaking, you realize. Your hands are quivering and your breath is coming out in short pants. A panic attack.

“Don’t you?” You bite the inside of your cheek to quell the rising panic. Your chest feels too tight. It constricts against your clothing, “It’s okay if you do. He’s always liked you. You could make him happier. You didn’t give up on him like I did.”

It hurts to say everything out loud. You don’t think you could survive seeing Sabine with Ezra. It would break whatever remnants of your heart are still working, but you wouldn’t stand in their way. Ezra deserves to be happy and you’re not the person that can give that to him. If Sabine can, then she should. It would break you, but you deserve it. An atonement for your sins.

Sabine calls out your name. She pulls your arms away from your face and shakes her head firmly. She looks stunned and hurt. She’s hurt by your words.

“I don’t like Ezra romantically. He’s a brother to me. That’s it. He loves you-“

You close your eyes against the rising panic. It takes all your willpower to remember how to breathe. It feels like something has gotten a hold of your body. You feel everything mounting until it bursts. Emotions and words pour out of you. You aren’t sure just what you’re saying. Everything feels like it’s happening far away.

“He had a crush on you first. He didn’t even look at me until he realized you weren’t interested. I always knew I was his second choice. I was always so angry with you. You two spent so much time together. I was always just counting the days until he left me for you. You two just fit together. Ten years later and you two can just go back to being close. I don’t know how I could ever face him knowing that I gave up-“

The feeling of choking returns. You press your hand to your chest feeling like your lungs will give out. There’s a painful squeeze to your heart. Is this what a heart attack feels like-?

Suddenly someone is taking you gently by the shoulders. Familiar hands press against your face cradling you softly. You hear your name whispered in a low voice. You know who it is without even opening your eyes.

Ezra.

“Hey, breathe. Breathe with me,” he whispers. He shows you some deep breaths. His arms hold you in place firmly but not tightly. It’s his way of showing you that he’s here. That you’re not alone.

Slowly you try and copy his breaths. It’s a struggle to do it. It feels like every painful gasp of air you inhale rattles against your lungs. It takes much longer than it should to finally regulate your breathing.

By the time the panic attack is finally underway, you feel exhausted. There’s a heaviness to your body you haven’t felt in a while. You’re shaking as Ezra slowly moves you towards a makeshift bed. He eases you gently into a sitting position. Idly, you realize that Sabine is inching out of the encampment probably wanting to give you and Ezra space to talk.

“Are you okay? Do you need water? A blanket?” Ezra kneels to be eye level with you. His eyes are concerned, scared for you.

It’s not fair. He’s the one who’s been lost for ten years, yet here he is worried about you. You don’t deserve him.

That’s what finally does you in. You begin to sob and press your hands firmly to your face. The tears pour out of you. It’s been a long ten years. Everything just shatters.

In the last decade, you’ve cried more times than you want to admit. Grief has been a friend for ages. You’ve cried until you had nothing more to give, yet this breakdown feels different. There’s a war or emotions pouring out of you. Anger, grief, jealousy, insecurity, pain. They rush over you in waves to the point where you feel like you’re being physically crushed under the weight of them.

Ezra wraps his arms around you and lets you cry against his shoulder. He holds you firmly in place whispering words of encouragement. You don’t deserve it. You weakly fight against his hold.

Words spill forth in a whisper before you even realize half of what you’re saying. There’s just a frantic need to pour everything out. The admissions slip from your tongue without truly registering in your brain. You just need him to understand why he should hate you.

“I gave up on ever finding you. I spent an entire year unable to get out of bed. I couldn’t eat, couldn’t sleep, and couldn’t think. Every little thing reminded me of you. I thought I was going to go insane. Everyone was worried about me. Hera had just had Jacen, yet she was taking care of me instead of her newborn. It felt horrible to worry everyone. At some point, I just had to let you go. I told myself you were dead and mourned you. I needed the closure so I gave up. If you were gone forever, then I could slowly move forward. I didn’t want to but it was breaking me. Thinking that you were out here somewhere was driving me insane.”

Ezra holds you tighter at your admission. You’re not sure but you swear you think you can hear him say he’s sorry. It’s heartbreaking for him to apologize. He’s the one that you’ve wronged.

“I couldn’t move on from you. I tried dating again a few years after you were gone but never made it past the first or second date. Everyone was all wrong. They just weren’t you. I kept telling myself that you were gone and that I should move on, but I couldn’t. I was driving myself crazy with grief. I even had a falling out with Sabine. Sabine kept searching for you. She never stopped. She’s the one who found you. Had it not been for her, you would have been lost forever. She’s better than me. You deserve better,” you force yourself to look at his eyes and are shocked when you see that he’s crying too. You never meant to hurt him but the confessions keep pouring out, “I know you liked her first. You only started dating me because she didn’t like you back. I told myself all these years that, that was okay. I loved you enough to be your second choice. Then these last ten years happened and they made me realize that I don’t deserve you. I gave up on you. She didn’t. She-you both make perfect sense. You just click with each other. She’s a better choice for you. I love you, but I know you’d be happier with her. She was your first choice after all.”

Now that everything is out, you feel tired. You bury your face in his shoulder and feel the way his heart is racing. His body feels tense as he lets all your words sink in.

“What? Do you think I like Sabine?” He sounds stunned. Gently, he pulls you away so that he can look at your eyes.

His eyes are red and there’s tears running down his face. He looks heartbroken. He calls your name softly and his voice cracks.

“You’re not my second choice, Maker. I’ve loved you for over a decade. It’s always been you. I admired Sabine when we were kids, but I always saw her as a sister. That’s all she is. You’re the one I’ve loved all these years. I dreamt of you every night, I tried using the force to find you whenever I meditated, the thought of you has kept me going all these years. It’s you that kept me alive. Any time I wanted to give up, I remembered you and everyone else back home and that kept me going. You were never my second choice. You’ve always been my only love. Always,” his fingers wipe away your tears and his breath stutters, “I thought you’d moved on. You didn’t want to spend time around me. You pulled away when I tried to kiss you. I thought you didn’t care me for me anymore. I was going to accept that. It’s been ten years. You didn’t know I was still alive. If you had moved on and married someone else, I would have never held it against you. Don’t blame yourself for needing to move forward.”

“You wouldn’t have given up on me. Ezra, you would have been lost without Sabine. I thought you were gone.”

You squeeze your eyes shut. Ezra would have never given up hope. He would have kept searching until the very end. You didn’t.

His hold on you tightens.

“Ten years. I was gone for ten years. I don’t blame you for thinking I was dead. Maker, the ship had lost its airlock. I thought I was going to die when we hit hyperspace. You had no way of knowing I was alive. Sabine said you all only thought I was still alive when Ahsoka heard rumors about Thrawn returning. There’s no way anyone could have predicted I was in another galaxy,” he says.

You keep your eyes closed.

The rumors about Thrawn’s return are what had made this entire search possible. You had dropped everything when Hera and Ahsoka had commed you and rushed back to help the search. Sabine was steps ahead of you which hurts to admit, but you had rushed back to help.

Wearily, you think of everything you’ve done so far.

You think of how Ahsoka refused to train you in favor of Sabine because she said you were ‘too attached’ to be open to the force. You think of how you couldn’t open the map and had spent hours turning it every which way until your fingers had cramped and bled trying to pry it open. You remember that terrible moment where Shin and Baylan had you cornered, how they had offered you and Sabine passage to Ezra in exchange for the map. Logic would have had you destroy the map and prevent Thrawn from ever returning. Ahsoka would have wanted it that way, yet you had hesitated too. Your brain had said you needed to destroy it, but your heart had frozen. Destroying it meant never finding Ezra. You had let Sabine take over on that choice and hadn’t protested when she handed the map over. You’re sure now you would have made the same choice albeit not as fast as her.

As if sensing where your thoughts are going, Ezra places his forehead to yours. His way for reassuring you.

“I don’t blame you for anything. I’m sorry I hurt you all these years. If you’ve moved on, I get it. Just please don’t feel guilty you had to think I was dead to survive. Forgive yourself,” he urges.

You snap your eyes open startled.

“Ezra, I’ve never moved on. I love you. I have for all these years. I was just too guilty to express it. Sabine found you. I gave up. You deserve better. The two of you could-“

Suddenly Ezra dives forward. His lips press to yours and he holds you in place tightly. You make a sound of surprise before giving in.

It feels like something between you clicks. The world stops and everything feels so natural as you kiss him back. It’s been ten years since you’ve last been able to hold him. You don’t think you can survive another ten without him. You barely made it through these last few years.

He feels like home. After all the suffering and the self loathing, kissing him feels like everything is falling into place.

After a long kiss that takes your breath away, he withdraws. His breath is a harsh pant. His beard tickles your face as he presses smaller kisses to your forehead and cheeks. You cling to him tighter and take in the feeling of being in his arms again.

“I love you,” he breathes out, “It’s only ever been you. Please don’t say you don’t deserve me. You kept me alive all these years. It’s always been you.”

The last of your energy snaps. You feel so painfully exhausted. You cling to him tightly and let him move you back to the bed. He climbs in next to you and holds you to him as if he’s afraid to let you go.

Everything you’ve been through today makes you feel so tired. You want nothing more than to go to sleep and come back to this tomorrow. You don’t have the energy to keep going today.

Thankfully, Ezra doesn’t withdraw. Instead, he climbs into the bed next to you and holds you close. All of those terrible voices in your head quiet when he presses another kiss to your forehead.

You close your eyes feeling everything fading. The two of you aren’t done discussing this. He still needs to know that you love him too and that you are sorry for everything that’s happened. You also will have to apologize to Sabine tomorrow. It’s not her fault your own insecurities turned against her.

Still, for now, this moment feels like peace.

You curl into his arms and hold him tight the way you used to when you were young. He holds you to him and refuses to let you go. In a low whisper, you tell him you love him. As you drift off, you hear him say it back.

And for the first time in ten years, you finally feel a semblance of peace.

silly little doodle of a special little guy

anyone who says the blue beetle movie is a basic origin story is lying to you. in a normal superhero movie they get at least a day or two of fun hijinks—sticky fingers, zappy powers, quippy one liners—meanwhile jaime reyes over here is speedrunning the worst 48 hours i’ve ever seen anybody experience.