I Was Rereading 19 Days For The Hundredth Time And Noticed Something...

He Tian's Arc

Ok, so this will be a very rambly post, but bare with me.

As we know Ht is a very complex character, being mainly affected by his childhood and the people/situations that hurt him. First and foremost, his family.

Starting with the loss of his mother HT starts having that crippling fear of his of losing people, slowly becoming fiercely loyal to those he loves. Then we get to his father, although we dont have much info on him as of yet, we do know Ht was very aware of how dangerous his father was, to the point of even asking his brother if (if he did something wrong) his father would kill him. With this HT very obviously grew up with a mentality of fighting to survive, and learning to live in the "darkness" of his family.

Then, what I believe has shaped him the most, his Brother.

He cheng has lived with their father and family business for a lot longer, and has learned what HT would come to learn a lot earlier, and (maybe accidentally) taught it to his little brother. HC shows HT that he's "on his own", if he wants something he HAS to fight for it, he can not be weak because that will make him useless (in the sense of not being able to do what he wants to do, like saving people)

Ht then understands that his family is different, they have a "darkness" that he not only hates, but is terrified of.

He hates his father, and he hates what his brother is/has become. He does not want to be part of his family's business, the violence, the killing and the cruelty of their "jobs" repels him. I think he hates it so much because he's scared to have that "darkness" inside himself as well, scared that its inevitably in his blood already. Even literally stating to MGS that he is scared of the dark. So he pushes and does his best to stay away (hating his brother, living alone, not talking to his father) he only ever "uses" his family when it's to take something from them instead of give (like money).

And then, here comes Mo guan shan.

And he's the exact opposite of everything his family (and by extension he himself) is. Mo guan shan does not lie, or scheme, and above all he does not see or fear that darkness inside Ht. We've seen that he and JY were friends before all this, and that at the very least they were close, but Jy did not completely understand Ht, he was a friend but as we've seen with the countless panels of HT standing alone in a landscape, he still felt alone. He felt like that darkness kept him apart from other people, and so when MGS came along he just couldn't help but fall for him.

So Ht becomes extremely protective over little Mo. And thanks to the idea of being the Strongest, the one who protects and is not protected ("weakling") Ht develops a very self sacrificing mentality. It simply does not matter to him if he gets hurt or in danger, because he is strong and he has that darkness in him, all that matters is that those he love are unharmed, safe and happy.

The problem is, Mo guan shan has a "stalker". She li considers him his, and prefers to break MGS than have someone else "take" him. Which means HT ends up putting himself in situations a lot worse than normally (well, at least outside his family business) not only to take the hits in MGS's place, but also to attack those who hurt him.

Still, the people he loves keep getting hurt, not only Mo but also Jian Yi. The other person who Ht is also willing to sacrifice himself to save. It starts to make HT desperate, and it slowly pushes him further down that "dark" path he feared so much.

And that pushes him towards his family, his brother and the violent measures they take. His brother tries to warn him (not that greatly I might add) and at the very least veers him away from the true rock bottom (killing someone).

And he does say he doesn't care about what people think of him, and I do think that's mostly true at this point, but he does care about what MGS thinks. Because Mo doesn't fear him, and he doesn't want that to change.

We've seen several times HT asking for Mo's opinions and thought on him. I think that fear of scaring off MGS specially shows when after holding SL's neck in the stairs Ht asks this.

Still decides to resort to that side of him, to eliminate SL, even if he has to sacrifice his own existence without that darkness and family. He'd do anything for those he loves.

Which makes for a whole new problem. That sacrifice is a little too much, even for him, he's terrified of it, (maybe horrified is a better word for it). He loves his friends too much, and hates those who hurt them just as much. It makes it too easy for him to cross the line, to the point someone has to be there just to stop him, to hold him back. And look at that,

He flinches.

He flinches from what he did, and the person talking.

In the next panel we see his face at it, engulfed in darkness. And I think that one of the things he also fears is knowing MGS saw him, I think here he is scared to see Mo's reaction. So he looks back

And Mo guan shan isn't scared Of him, but For him. MGS still stands By him and Hugs him, and HT doesn't even care about his hand, or anything else he just wants to hug Mo back.

Because yes, He tian has slowly descended on a cruel and violent path that he feared, (and still fears) but Mo guan shan still wants to stay by his side. Even with He tian literally red handed with blood, Mo wants to share his troubles with HT (symbolized by him wearing the jacket Ht gave him when telling him not to shoulder everything on his own) and take on part of Ht's troubles as well.

He wants to accompany and stay by his side. Mo guan shan still doesn't fear He tian. And I think that's all Ht wants.

TLDR:: Tianshan has slowly driven HT to a darker and more violent path, but their relationship shows just how deep their connection is, and how much they've come to rely and develop alongside one another.

mo guan shan: so, what's for dinner?

he tian, staring at the food he just burnt: regret.

he tian: no emotions, life is shitty.

mo guan shan: yo, chicken dick.

he tian: many emotions, life is amazing.

he tian: i need to lose some weight. you've spoiled me, redhead.

mo guan shan: fuck no *cooks 10 times more*

40-year-old he tian has a little tummy. he's still fit and in good shape, it's just that mo's cooking is too delicious to resist. and mo guan shan absolutely loves it, because tian's finally eating (and sleeping) normally.

one day mo guan shan will intertwine his fingers with he tian in return.

waiting merry christmas chapter

I did my waiting! Twelve years of it, in Azkaban!

he tian is, like, on a completely different level. this man kissed his beloved one on the cheek, and boom, they're already married.

police, arresting he tian: everything you say will be held against you.

he tian: mo guan shan.

So this might be kind of random but I was just thinking about the duality of Guanshan's character and about the differences between how he usually presents himself and how he really is on the inside. I'm not sure if I'm the only one who perceives it that way or not but well, you know how most of the time we see Guanshan as this smoll, angry beast and ball of fluff, who doesn't allow anyone to get too close to him. I'm fairly convinced that this is just a mask or a persona he was forced to create just so he could survive the constant bullying and protect himself from those who're trying to break him and bring him down. For some people who tend to isolate themselves, one of the reasons leading to that kind of behaviour is the fact that at some point they begin to wallow in self-hatered, because they feel like they don't belong in any social group and everyone else around hates them anyway. And that's exactly how people made him feel - like there's no point in trying because he will never be worthy of anyone's attention nor will he become the object of admiration.

(Also I'm listening to "Adam's Song" by Blink-182 while I'm typing this and I'm starting to get emotional, send help)

He knows that if he'll be any other way, he's only going to get hurt more, convinced that no one will ever care to help nor take pity on someone like him. Not that he even wants them to but the thing is, that it's not always easy having the whole world turned against you, looking down as if you had nothing going for yourself. All he ever wanted was some peace - not kindness, not charity - just people minding their business and leaving him to his own. And maybe the bare minimum of fucking human decency. Too bad they weren't willing to give it to him.

And that brings us to the other side of his personality that is currently buried 6 feet underground, hidden completely from the world, stuffed far back on the shelves. I believe that beneath that rough, angry and aggressive persona he puts on, Guanshan is a very gentle and calm soul. He never wanted to be this punkish kid who had to prove he isn't a weak and pathetic crybaby each step of the way. And if people wanted to see a son of a criminal and a freak in him, he'd rather be that way to keep people at the distance. It's better to be feared instead of staying an easy target. Even if it's at the cost of losing touch with your inner self.

If none of the bullshit and bullying happened to him, he would be a genuinely kind and helpful kid who isn't afraid of taking the intiative. Maybe if people didn't put him in a certain box from a young age he wouldn't lose the will and the courage to aim higher and believe in things he could be capable of achieving. Maybe he wouldn't have given up on dreaming. Of course, he still would be a very introverted and private person, enjoying his own company the most, but he wouldn't be haunted by this constant sense of dread, telling him that if he doesn't put up the walls to protect himself, someone's going to hurt him one way or another. For example, if we think about Guanshan as a kid, he was an absolutely sweet and gentle child. He wasn't angry nor was he spiteful. On the contrary - he seemed to be much more mature than other kids and tried to solve issues with them peacefully. He was brave enough to stand up to She Li when others took part in bullying, playing into the fantasy of some kindergarden childlish mafia. Guanshan - even though he gets easily impressed by "cool" and "manly" stuff - can as easily differ right from wrong and what kind of behaviour is truly respect-worthy. The way he approached the situation with She Li and Buzzcut was done in the most mature way possible for an elementary/middle school kid, without him trying to prove that he was the cooler, the stronger or the wittier one. He also didn't care that he might end up getting hurt, considering She Li's not so stable behaviour. To him, the safety of his friend and the urge to speak up his mind was more important. Unfortunately, too many times he's been proven that speaking up his mind didn't do him any good. It always ended up with people beating him up or belittling him, whether those were the kids, the teachers or other irresponsible adults.

That's why I believe that all this anger and frustration is an armor he was forced to wear because no one ever tried to see past the flaws that weren't even his own. Flaws that were nothing but a projection of pejudiced adults. Even though he grew up with a loving mother, that kind of an unconditional love - although beautiful - can be easily overlooked and discounted when everyone else seems to think you're unlovable and unworthy of such love. And that kind of treatment makes it even harder to learn and understand the importance of loving yourself.

Now, what impresses me the most is the fact that we can finally see that Mo is slowly beginning to act like his younger self around He Tian. He's calm, he doesn't get angry as much as before, because he doesn't feel the need to protect himself around He Tian anymore. He's feeling safe enough to let that armor/persona/mask or whatever you call it lower down and reveal parts of him that he's been keeping hidden from others for so long. He still feels uncertain, not sure how to navigate this strange and unexpected direction they've taken but he wants to do better regardless - both for He Tian and for himself - which to me, ironically - is to learn how to accept and love your inner, vulnerable self. The one that others made you feel like you should be ashamed of and pretend it doesn't exist. All it took was He Tian lightning up a spark within him and making him feel like there was something going for him after all. Like he might be worth the time and the attention and suddenly Guanshan wants to prove to He Tian that he is. He's willing to change for the better, not only because he's seen He Tian trying as well but he's began to realise that he cares for the other boy and he isn't willing to just let go of him. He came to realise that he doesn't want their ways to part one day just because he lacked the courage to change. To be removed from He Tian's orbit because he wasn't good enough. Because he's chosen to play the part others told him to. Through the care, warmth, patience and understanding He Tian has offered to him, the spark that was once lit in Guanshan's heart was slowly begining to grow, forming into a beautiful and passionate flame. Similar to the one Guanshan has lit a long time ago in He Tian's own, hollow heart.

I like the idea of Guanshans's attitude shifting bit by bit, depending on how he feels around certain people because I get so excited just thinking about him and Tian discovering new sides of each other - sides they weren't expecting at all. When Guanshan finally trusts He Tian entirely, the other would begin to notice that most of the time Guanshan's a very chill, sweet and gentle soul, even if he can't express his feelings and affection very well. He prefers to avoid unessesary conflicts and tries to talk things through, instead of attacking the other or sulking over his bruised ego. Sometimes Guanshan would feel guilty after his arguments with He Tian, no matter who's at fault and would be a lot more affected by them than he'd let it show. He would hate being cross with the person he cares about the most and his affection for the other would often end up being bigger than his ego. He Tian would also be in awe at how adorable Guanshan could become at times when there was no one else around to judge him. Maybe there would even be a whole new playful side to Guanshan, where he allows himself to let loose and joke around a little, like that one time when he smirked at He Tian who confessed he's afraid of the dark and He Tian was like "STFU or I'm gonna punch your teeth out".

Anyway, that's something I've been noticing for some time already and I just wanted to put it out there because I find it absolutely beautiful to see how Guanshan is finally starting to feel comfortable and safe enough to let those more vulnerable parts of him show. He's slowly realising that there are people who wants him for who he truly is and won't judge him based on his family name, baseless rumors or old wounds without giving him a proper chance to prove himself first ❤