Academic Validation Is Over, All I Need Is Someone On Tumblr To Think I’m Cool.

Always Care (Matt x Reader)

➢   "I got you, sweetheart. I'm right here. Not going anywhere."

⚠︎ fluff, crying, mental breakdown → 495 words

A/N: Interaction is appreciated! I do not give consent for my work to be plagiarized or uploaded on any other platform.

With love and big tits, ᡣ𐭩 Rose → Navigation

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Your day had been awful. Not a singular event seemed to sway your way, everything had been set up against you.

As soon as you had gotten home, you darted to your room that you shared with your boyfriend, Matt. But he wasn't there. He had just left for filming and he wouldn't be back for hours.

It was annoying having such contradicting schedules. You had slaved your poor paying job all day and Matt went to work most in the nights. Usually, you could handle this routinely frustration.

Not today though.

You immediately fall on the bed, clutching into yourself as you let out the flood of emotions that had collected all day.

It all felt so heavy.

You failed to hear the car pull up. Your cries drowned out the sound of Matt rushing into the room. He had opened the door, in search of his phone that he had left behind.

Instead he found you.

"Oh baby..." he whispers under his breathe. He walks over to the bed, sitting behind you.

You flinch at the sudden jostle of weight shifting, sniffling with a relieved expression as you realize it's Matt. "Why---why are you back so soon?" you ask with a wavering voice.

Matt soothes his palm over your back as you hiccup. "I forgot my phone, but c'mere," he spreads his arms open welcomingly. However, you stay put.

"But--you have to go film." you point out.

A brief sigh escapes his lips as he lurches forward and hugs you to his chest. Your composure is lost and forgotten as you cry into him, scrunching your fists in his shirt.

"I got you, sweetheart. I'm right here. Not going anywhere."

He pets the back of your head as he cradles your body further into him. As you cries soften to light pants and sniffles, he brushes your hair from the side of your face.

"Who do I need to slap? Who's makin' my pretty girl cry, hm?" he asks teasingly, smiling as he sees your pouted lips curve upward.

"Work...just a lot today. Can you...can you just hold me for a bit before you leave?" you ask.

Looking hopefully at him, your hopes fall as he reaches over you to grab his phone. You shrink into yourself with disappointment and rejection.

"Yeah, I can't anymore." you look up to see your boyfriend holding his phone up to his ear. "No, fuck off. We can film tomorrow and I'll even edit it last minute. I'm not leavin' my girl." he says, pulling the device and tossing it carelessly.

You smile softly at him as you let out a small sigh.

He's not leaving.

He's always there for you.

"C'mere, sweetheart," he leans back whilst tugging you into his chest. You snuggle further into his embrace, smiling as you feel his soft lips place a kiss on your head.

"Not but, for real---who's gettin' their shit rocked?" he jokes.

He's always there, he always cares.

dear dylan o'brien,

This man isn't real. What the actual fuck

How does someone look so hot in a sweater bro

It could cause earthquakes

oh my god I've been thinking about sweet!readerxGhost alll day. basically where reader is super giddy about everything and Simon loves it, every holiday she's practically bouncing off the walls with excitement except for Christmas. And it really freaks Simon out because she hates Christmas. So obviously their first Christmas together, he's losing his shit trying to figure out what her problem with Christmas is, and he can't. idk if that made sense or if it's too early, but it's literally been my Roman empire for like three days.

LMFAOOO I LOVE THIS ASK. Sweet!Reader is so giddy when it's holidays like Easter, Thanksgiving and stuff. It makes Simon smile under his mask. BUT WHEN CHRISTMAS COMES AROUND?! he's internally panicking.

You haven't decorated, there's nothing in your Wishlist on amazon, temu or Etsy. You refuse to go outside, and when you lock yourself in YOUR shared bedroom? Now he's panicking in real life... asking his team members what could be the problem, random grannies in the coffee shop over tea and even his local BARTENDER. They all don't know though... they just tell him to go ask you. So when he finally came over to you he's just staring at you, trying to figure out what to say. "Why do you hate Christmas." He blurts out, internally slapping himself for his bluntness. "It's cold. :(" You reply, whining. "Plus Christmas trees are so expensive!" He calms down after that. "It's cold? and you can't afford the tree...?" He asks in slight disbelief. "Bird, isn't that what i'm for? I'm warm plus i can afford the tree." You go silent, realizing how stupid you sound now. You can just reply with a... "Oh." Before Simon bursts out laughing, walking away to go buy the Christmas tree for you.

[Repost if u want sweetie! <3]

desperately need nerd!matt hcs from u

SO HIGHSCHOOL

❐ summary » "you know how to ball, i know aristotle"

❐ pairings » nerd!matt x popular!reader

❐ warnings » nonee

❐ a/n && w/c » im trying to do all my hc requests cause i've literally been neglecting them  • 1.47k

┆ nerd!matt who is always shy around you, but secretly admires you from afar. he’s the kind of guy who blushes every time you talk to him or even look his way.

» amidst the cacophony of the bustling school hallways, your eyes land on matt, the quiet, introspective soul who perpetually immerses himself in the world of books. today, as you navigate through the throng of students, a spontaneous urge compels you to break the silence and greet him.

“hey, matt!" you exclaim with a buoyant tone, your voice cutting through the ambient noise with a cheerful resonance.

matt glances up, his eyes widening in astonishment. a crimson hue swiftly creeps across his cheeks, and he clumsily juggles the books in his hands. "h-hi, y/n," he stammers, struggling to maintain eye contact.

you smile warmly, taking note of the subtle pink hue that spreads across his ears. "how's it going? what are you reading today?"

he casts a fleeting glance down at the book cradled in his hands, then looks back up at you, his blush intensifying to a deeper shade of crimson. "oh, um, it's just... a book on astrophysics," he mumbles, his voice a blend of excitement and nervousness.

"astrophysics? that sounds really interesting!" you exclaim, your eyes widening with genuine admiration. "you'll have to tell me about it sometime."

matt's heart quickens at your words. he nods, attempting to steady his voice. "y-yeah, i'd like that."

as you walk away, you can't help but notice the shy smile that lingers on his face, and you feel a warm flutter in your chest. little do you know, matt is already eagerly anticipating the next opportunity to converse with you.

┆ nerd!matt who helps you with your homework, and in return, you help him come out of his shell. you spend hours together, and matt starts feeling more confident because of your encouragement.

» "hey matt, can you help me with my homework again? i’m really struggling with this math problem," you ask, your soft smile barely hiding the hint of desperation in your eyes.

matt adjusted his glasses, his fingers lingering on the frames for a moment. he leaned in closer to the problem, his brow furrowing in deep concentration, a thoughtful expression settling on his face as he absorbed the details. "sure, let’s see what we’ve got here. oh, this one’s actually pretty interesting. it’s all about quadratic equations."

you smiled, a sense of calm washing over you, as the tension in your shoulders eased and your breathing steadied. "you always make it sound so easy. i don’t know what i’d do without your help."

matt blushed slightly, a modest grin forming on his lips, his cheeks tinged with a faint rosy hue as he tried to hide his growing embarrassment. "well, you’re getting better at it. you just need a bit more practice."

hours passed as you worked together, solving problems and sharing stories. the room was filled with the quiet hum of concentration, punctuated by occasional bursts of laughter that echoed softly against the walls, weaving a tapestry of camaraderie and shared effort.

you looked at matt, your eyes reflecting a deep admiration, the kind that spoke volumes of unspoken respect and appreciation for his unwavering dedication and thoughtful demeanor. "you know, matt, you’re really good at this. have you ever thought about tutoring more people? you’d be great at it."

matt glanced down, a shy smile playing on his face, his eyes momentarily avoiding yours as a subtle blush crept up his cheeks, revealing a quiet vulnerability. "i’ve thought about it, but i’m not sure if i’d be good at explaining things to others."

you shook your head, your voice filled with encouragement. "are you kidding? you’re amazing! you’ve helped me so much. plus, you’re really patient. i think you’d be fantastic."

matt’s confidence seemed to grow, his eyes meeting yours with a newfound determination. "thanks, that means a lot. maybe i’ll give it a try."

you nodded, your smile warm and genuine. "you totally should! and hey, if you ever need help with anything, i’m here for you too. we’re friends, right?"

matt smiled warmly, the connection between you both feeling stronger than ever. "yeah, we are. thanks for believing in me."

┆ nerd!matt who gets flustered when you invite him to hang out with your friends. he’s not used to the attention, but you make sure he feels included and comfortable.

» you and your friends were deep in conversation, laughing about some old stories. you noticed matt was unusually quiet, sitting at the edge of the group, looking a bit lost.

you leaned in closer, your voice carrying a gentle, almost melodic tone. "hey matt, you okay? you’ve been pretty quiet."

he glanced up, his eyes widening in surprise, a flicker of uncertainty crossing his face. "oh, yeah, i'm fine. just... not used to this, i guess."

you offered him a warm, reassuring smile, your eyes conveying a depth of understanding and empathy. "we're really glad you're here. your thoughts matter too. anything on your mind?"

matt hesitated for a moment, his uncertainty lingering, before a tentative smile slowly spread across his face, his posture easing into a more relaxed demeanor. "thanks. i guess i'm just getting used to being around more people."

one of your friends, noticing the exchange, interjected thoughtfully, "yeah, matt, jump in anytime! we're all friends here."

you nodded, a sense of relief washing over you as the atmosphere seemed to lighten. "exactly. you're one of us, matt."

he appeared to relax further, his smile broadening and becoming more genuine. "thanks, guys. it means a lot."

┆ nerd!matt who writes you sweet, thoughtful notes and leaves them in your locker. you find these little gestures incredibly endearing and look forward to them every day.

» you stood by your locker, a smile spreading across your face as you discovered yet another sweet note tucked inside. it had become a daily ritual, one that you cherished deeply.

"another one from matt?" a friend inquired, their curiosity piqued by the evident joy radiating from your expression.

"yeah," you responded, carefully unfolding the paper to unveil his heartfelt and thoughtful words. "he's so sweet. these little notes make my day."

your friend flashed a knowing grin, their eyes twinkling with amusement. "he's got it bad for you. what does this one say?"

you began to read aloud in a clear and deliberate voice, allowing each word to resonate with the surrounding air, "two souls with but a single thought, two hearts that beat as one."

your friend's eyes widened, a mixture of astonishment and intrigue dancing within her gaze. "wow, he's got it bad for you. have you talked to him about it?"

you nodded, a gentle warmth spreading through you, like the first rays of dawn touching the earth. "not yet, but i think i will. these notes... they mean a lot to me."

as you closed your locker, anticipation bubbled within you, eager for the next note and the potential conversation it might spark, weaving a tapestry of words and emotions yet to be discovered.

┆ nerd!matt who stands up for you when you need it most, showing that he’s not just a quiet bookworm but someone who deeply cares about you. you realize just how special he is.

» you found yourself in the midst of a heated argument with gadiel, your ex, emotions running high and words cutting deep. as the tension reached its peak, matt, the quiet and unassuming bookworm, approached with an unexpected resolve in his eyes.

"you never listen!" you exclaimed, your frustration bubbling over like a pot left too long on the stove, threatening to spill over and scorch everything in its path.

gadiel sneered, his lip curling with a disdain that cut through the air like a sharpened blade, "maybe if you weren't so—"

before he could finish, matt stepped in, his voice quivering with a mix of fear and resolve, yet carrying an unmistakable note of determination. "maybe if you had half a brain, you'd realize she's worth listening to."

gadiel appeared momentarily stunned, his usual composure shattered by the unexpected turn of events. "oh, look, the nerd speaks."

matt retorted with a fierce intensity, his eyes locking onto gadiel's with an unyielding resolve that left no room for doubt. "better a nerd than a jerk who doesn't appreciate what he had."

gadiel scoffed, his bravado crumbling as he found himself bereft of any further retorts. "whatever," he muttered, turning and walking away.

you turned to matt, feeling a surge of profound gratitude and deep admiration welling up within you. "thanks, matt. i didn't know you had it in you."

matt's cheeks tinged with a faint blush, yet he held your gaze with unwavering steadiness. "i care about you, more than you know."

taglist — @imwetforyourmom @meatballzerz69 @pinkishpearls @bandanamatt @thedangerousalleyway @muchloveforhacker @frozenpeanutbutterr @jetaimevous @everleiqh @conspiracy-ash @ifwdominicfike @blahbel668 @slutforsturnioloss @realuvrrr @sturnobsessedwh0re @cerismo

healing is a myth just go fucking insane who cares

She's the coolest person I know.

fratboy!matt tries to play it cool about him and smartand'mean'!reader spending alot of time together, but fratboy!chris and Nate aren't convinced

vibe check: chris and nate being idiots, nate not knowing what an emo is lol, fratboy!matts version of fluff

1k words

A/N: this concept was born from and is my take on the wonderful, amazing and ridiculously talented @sturnioz fratboy!matt and fratboy!chrisxshy!reader au. THANKYOU SO MUCH FOR ALL OF THE LOVE ON MY TOUGH GIRL FIC OMFG. this is a lil blurb I cooked up as a finishing touch to my contribution to cas' au. also I just love this pairing so much it makes me unwell

love and cigs, merc

Matt quietly shuffled into the front door of his frat house, tucking his car keys in his pocket with as little jingle as possible in hopes of sneaking past Chris and Nate on the sofa. He clicked the door shut and the boys’ ears perked up. 

“Fuck” Matt whispered. 

“Matty boy! You’re back! Where the fuck have you been” Nate craned his neck round, a canon joint hanging from his mouth. 

“He’s been at y/ns house” Chris answered for Matt, turning to smirk at the boy as he shifted his weight between his feet by the entrance of the living room. 

“Y/n? Isn’t that the emo chick that’s best friends with your girl?” Nate asked, pointing to Chris. 

“She’s not emo dickhead, she’s just a bit… grungy” Matt piped up at your defence immediately, knowing Nate meant it as an insult.

“and s!r/n is not my girl” Chris responded to Nate’s accusation 

“She’s totally fuckin emo dude she wears fishnets and walks around lookin’ like she’s gonna kill someone” Nate snickered, “and, she’s definitely your girl” he looked back to Chris who was rolling his eyes. 

“You’re with her like everyday, kid” Matt folded his arms over his chest, taking this perfect opportunity to get the subject off of himself. 

“And you get all gushy over her like she’s some little pretty flower whenever she’s around” Nate laughed, looking to Matt who was nodding his head and joining in the laughter.

“Okay, both of you shut the fuck up, yeah? When did this become about me? Matt's the one sneaking in after spending the last three days with his little pet emo” Chris scoffed, leaning forward to ash his joint in the glass tray before taking a long drag. 

“She’s not fuckin—“ Matt gritted his teeth, “she’s not my pet you freak, we’re just hangin’ out” He shrugged. 

“That’s not what it sounded like the other night” Nate raised his brows at Matt, a childlike laugh erupting from his mouth as he blew weed smoke into the air. 

“UH! FUCK! MATT! YOU’RE SO BIG! UH” Chris moaned, making fake orgasm faces as he shifted his weight so it looked like he was getting fucked. Nate curled over in laughter, slapping his knee with his free hand. 

Arms folded over his chest and eyes firmly rolled to the back of his head in annoyance, Matt felt a vibrating in his pocket, ‘Arabella' by the Arctic Monkeys blared from his phone as he pulled it from his pocket. 

“Both a’you shut the fuck up before I break your fuckin’ jaws” Matt said before quickly answering the phone, your voice like honey on the other end. 

“Hi Matthew” you said, sweetly

“Hey angel, what’s up?” He said, turning away from the boys. 

The sound of the sofa shifting against the floor grabbed his attention back to them, he was met with the sight of Chris pretending to fuck the side of the couch, slapping the leather arm as if it’s an ass and Nate, pretending to give a blowjob to the end of his dying joint.

“You uh, you left your english lit book here, thought you’d wanna know in case you think you lost it or somethin”

“Oh, shit, did I?” Matt asked, leaning down and taking his shoe off, throwing it full force at his idiot brother and best friend making obscene gestures and noises only a few feet away from him, “I’ll come get it now, sweetheart, m’gonna need it” Matt said, his words focused on you but his gaze firmly on the boys as they curled over in laughter, dodging Matts flying trainer. 

“Okay, text me when you’re here, I’ll buzz you in” You responded. 

“Alright angel, I won’t be long” He said, ending the phone and shoving it into his pocket. 

“BYE Y/N” Nate screamed across the living room, giggling and rolling into Chris like a child 

“Are you two finished?” Matt said, kicking off his other shoe and humming it at them, they ducked out the way and their laughter continued, not yet tired of the bit they were doing. 

“You just got home from hers and you’re going back? Kids pussy whipped” Chris said, shaking his head. 

“Y’know what Chris, I think our boy likes her” Nate said, raising his eyebrows a couple times. 

“oh you definitely fuckin’ do! you actually like this girl” Chris responded, turning to Matt who’s cheeks had flushed a bright red 

“So what if I do? Is that a problem?” Matt said, near enough squaring up to the boys. 

“Nah man, it’s cool, she’s cool” Nate shrugged, sensing they may have struck a nerve. 

“Yeah she is fuckin’ cool, she’s cool as fuck actually, probably the smartest person I’ve ever met, on top of being unbelievably fuckin' hot and she’s easy to be around, unlike you two shit talkin' idiots” Matt sounded off, throwing an arm up in frustration. 

“Kids in love” Chris scoffed, cocking his head towards Matt as he looked at Nate 

“For real, he’s obsessed” Nate chuckled, “fuck baby keep doing that, you’re so sexy oh my fucking god” Nate mocked Matt, laying back on the sofa and holding his hands over his crotch, pretending to be holding a girls head there as she sucks him off. 

Chris laughed and smacked Nate’s hands away from his dick, slapping his palm and dapping him up in agreement. 

Matt rolled his eyes and tensed his jaw, shaking his head as he turned to walk towards the front door. 

“When I get back m’gonna kick the shit out’a both of you” Matt said, pushing his feet into his sliders and opening the door in a huff, slamming it behind him, making the whole front room shake. 

“Whatever you say, angel!” Chris said, mimicking Matts nickname for you. 

Matt strode down the path towards his car in a huff, almost ripping his car door off its hinges as he slammed down into the passenger seat, taking a deep and fast breath. After a few short seconds of sitting with closed eyes to ground himself, he pulled his phone out of his pocket and called you.

"how the fuck did you get here so fast?" your voice a soothing balm to his anger on the other end of the phone.

He chuckled, "I haven't even left my driveway yet, angel, just wanted to call you and let you know i'm staying at yours again tonight" he said, putting his keys into the ignition and starting his car.

"okay, s'fine. any particular reason or?" You drew out your final word

"jus' rather be with you than at mine" Matt said, shrugging.

"Awh, Matthew, you're so cringe" your cadence was insulting but Matt could feel your cheesy smile through the phone.

"watch your mouth, tough girl, or i'll fill it" his threatening tone sent a jolt up your spine

"Is that a promise?" you asked, seductively, a quick change in demeanour that Matt adored.

"you're a deviant, y'know that right?" Matt shook his head as he smiled at your response, it was like he built you in a lab.

"Just shut up and get here, I miss you, idiot" you hung up the phone before he could respond, not wanting to face the teasing that would inevitably follow admitting you miss him after barely an hour of being apart.

Matt opened his mouth to respond but was cut off by the sound of you hanging up, a grin crawled its way onto his face and he couldn't help but relish in the way you made him feel. He meant what he said to his brother and Nate, you really were the coolest person he knew.

✮ TALKING TO THE MOON

pairing: matt sturniolo x fem!reader [ past tense ]

synopsis: in which it’s been a year since you last stepped foot in boston after the devastating events of the last year, but as the moon grows full, you find yourself having a peaceful conversation with it.

warnings: swearing, lots of crying, angst with absolutely no comfort, major character death, minor mention of someone shooting up a gas station, mentions of puke+bile, death of a pet.

THIRD PERSON POV

it’s been exactly a year since you’ve been back in boston.

twelve months. fifty two weeks. three hundred sixty five days. eight thousand seven hundred sixty hours. five hundred twenty five thousand six hundred minutes, since you’ve been back home.

the last year has been by far the worst year of your life. losing the love of your life, your very best friend was something you’d never wish on anyone. when you got the call from nick that night, his hysterical sobs hardly understandable, your heart dropped. matt had been at the wrong place, at the wrong time as someone shot up the 7/11 that matt was at on the way home from your place. when nick finally took a moment to breathe and explain the situation, your entire world stopped spinning for a moment, and the screaming sob that ripped through your body was something that nick needed professional help to forget. it was a sound that still haunts him to this day.

after his funeral, you up and left town, unable to live in a city that matt loved without him by your side, knowing that he was never returning. you, and chris fought a lot the few weeks that you kept in contact with his brothers for, chris tried so hard to blame you. saying that if you had just told matt to stay at yours a little bit longer, he’d still be alive. but you tried to explain that matt wanted to go home because it was jimmy’s birthday the next day and all the triplets wanted to make their dad breakfast.

no matter how the story was spun, one of you kept pointing the finger at the other. but logically, it no one’s fault except for the man that took matt’s life, and the three of you came to terms on thing, you were thankful the man was rotting behind bars.

but you’ve been in therapy for a year, and your therapist suggested taking a trip back home in attempt to heal some of the residual anger and pain lingering in your heart and clinging to your soul. you had begged her to help you find peace with the situation and this was her only solution. and after fighting it for three sessions, you finally agreed to return to boston on his anniversary, knowing his entire family would be home, and you wanted to make amends for leaving for abruptly.

as you stepped onto the road in front of the sturniolo residence, you felt your heart hammering in your chest, making you feel like you were two seconds away from vomiting up everything in your system. you took a seat on the curb, taking a moment to breathe as you looked at the cars lining their driveway and the street across from you, knowing they were having a memorial for matt. you had been invited but you hasn’t responded, the invitation is what caused your most recent mental spiral. sighing, you pulled out your pack of cigarettes, a habit that you had kicked when you and matt got together, but had picked back up about a month after leaving. as you lit it, you watched the clouds slowly shift, your head snapping as you heard footsteps behind you.

as chris steps outside the front door to grab something from the car, he sees a figure sitting on the curb, and despite your hair being much shorter and much lighter than he remembers, he knows it’s you. especially as he hears you flick your lighter. and he’s fighting a battle within himself, one side telling him to ignore you due all the pent up anger and blame he holds against you, but the more understanding side of him wins. he knows you wouldn’t be here if you weren’t trying to make up for leaving, and he knows you’re hurting too. so without so much as a second thought, he begins to step toward you.

“hey kid, why the fuck are you sitting out here?” chris asks, taking a seat beside you, watching you as you fight back tears, your posture stiff and rigid, as if you were trying to make yourself appear put together, as if you were sinking in on yourself.

“i’m terrified to go in there and not see him.” you whisper, your shoulders falling as you take a drag of your cigarette, chris’ arm wrapping around your shoulders as he nods, understanding what you’re feeling.

“that’s how i felt this morning. it hurt to go in there and not see him hugging mom and dad. i was also terrified to see you, i know matt is yelling at me right now for not being there for you and being such a jackass to you.” chris chuckling, but it sounds more like he was clearing his throat, the sound was broken and throaty as he holds back his tears.

“he’s probably yelling at me too for leaving and not letting you guys back in.” you laugh back, your head on chris’ shoulder, an unspoken apology being shared between you two as you lift your head upon feeling his shoulder shake. as you look at him, your heart breaks all over again at the sight of him sobbing. you toss your cigarette to the ground before pulling chris into a hug,

“i fucking miss him, y/n.” he sobs, his hands fisting the back of your shirt between his knuckles as you rub his back, your cheek pressed against the side of his head as you nod, trying to some form of comfort, despite how weak it’d sound.

“i know chris, i miss him every day.” you hum, unable to find something to say to soothe the man crumbling in your arms, you want to comfort him, to console him, but it’s so hard when you can’t console yourself.

“let’s go in, i know mom will be grateful to see you.” chris whispers as he stands up, his hand outstretched as you link yours in it, your worries rising to the surface like bile as you nod.

your first step into the house is tentative and timid, the house feels empty without matt’s laugh and voice ringing and echoing throughout it. and you want to crumble to your feet, being back here feels impossibly difficult to go through with. but you’re finally here, and that’s a big first step. and as you take careful steps towards the heart of the home, you feel something warm stirring in your chest, and it feels a bit harrowing too, but you want to see his parents, to comfort them and tell them you’re sorry for leaving.

but the guilt is eating away at you and so you’re ready to turn back as chris steps ahead of you, but you feel a warm sensation on your lower back and you know it’s matt guiding you deeper into the home, just like he did the first time he brought you home. as you round the corner, the first pair of eye you meet belong to nick, and a soft gasp is heard as mary-lou turns around, and she’s quick to tear up as you rush toward her, barreling into her arms.

“oh, dear.” she whispers as you sob in her arms, your body completely wracked with guilt and regret as she holds you.

“i’m s-so sorry for l-leaving, it was too hard and i know that s-sounds selfish because you’re going through the same pain as me, i-if not more.” you hiccup and blubber, trying your damnedest to get the apology out as she rubs your arm, her soft but heartbroken smile showing that she understand what you’re trying to convey.

“it’s okay hon, everyone deals with grief in their own way. some bottle it up and some try to run away from it. but you’re here now and that’s all i can ask for.” she murmurs as you nod, wiping your eyes as you walk to nick, pulling him into a physically silent hug, but the two of you share an understanding that transcends the need for verbal communication. and as you look around the room, you see everyone but jimmy. and deep down, you know where he is.

so with a wordless exit, you turn around and take the steps slowly, trying so hard to prepare yourself to open matt’s door. and you almost choose not to, but you know you need to talk to jimmy. so with a shaky hand, you turn the knob and open the door to matt’s room, and the smells immediately rips a new wave of tears through as you spit his dad holding mister wrinkleton to his heart with one hand, the other holding his head as his body shakes and you’re quick to sit beside matt’s father, raising your hand to his shoulder as he lifts his head, shock glinting in his eyes as you smile sadly.

just like matt, you were closer to jimmy than mary-lou. jimmy reminded you a lot of your late grandfather so you took a quick love to the man that matt admired with everything in him.

“i didn’t think you were coming.” jimmy hums, standing up and pulling you into a hug.

“i had to. it’s what matt would want.” you sigh.

“i just cant believe my boy is gone. every day i wake up and think he’s gonna call me and then the realization sets in and my heart breaks all over again, and the pain renews itself. it’s a battle to get out of bed after i remember everything. and for a moment, i think that at least if my boy is gone, i have you to call me, but that never happens either. and it feels like i’m living on autopilot these days.” jimmy sobs, and the crack splitting your heart in two feels impossibly bigger.

“i’m so sorry jimmy. i know i should’ve called, but i was so angry at the world. at the fucking piece of shit that ripped matt from me, from us, from this world. and i let my anger consume me. and that’s why i left. and i wiped every memory and reminder of boston out of my mind because it hurt so fucking much.” you whisper, and when jimmy pats your back silently, you know the appreciation and acceptance of your apology is there. and suddenly you’re left alone in matt’s room. and for the first time today, you stop crying out of pain and anger, but rather fondness. because being in his room feels peaceful. it’s the only thing that hasn’t changed since his passing. and it’s like for a moment, he’s okay, he’s alive, and he’ll be stumbling in the door, too focused on his phone or the conversation he’s in the middle of, with a big smile on his face.

but then you’re thrown back to the present, and you’re reminded that it hasn’t changed because matt hasn’t stepped foot in this room in a year. and he never will again. and it’s too hard for his parents to spend longer than five minutes in here without their hearts breaking over and over again. and you’re dropping to your knees, sobbing as quietly as possible. because matt will never be yours again. he’ll never hug, kiss, or touch you lovingly again. he will never laugh at your stupid jokes, or yell at his brothers again. and that rips your heart from your chest in one ruthless, swift tug.

you don’t know how much time passes, but when you lift yourself off the floor and head down the stairs to look out the window, the moon is high. and you walk out the door, standing on the front steps, silently admiring the moon. and for a split second, you feel warm arms winding around your shoulders, and you know matt is there visiting as quickly as he can, and as you look to the moon again, you take a deep breath,

“hey baby, i don’t know if you can hear me from wherever you are, but i hope you’re at peace, and i hope you’re safe, and i hope trevor is with you. i’m sorry i wasn’t around to say goodbye to trevor, it was just another piece of you that i would’ve had to say goodbye to and that would’ve been too hard at the time. but i miss you, a lot. we all do. but i made up with chris, i know you were pissed that him and i were fighting, given the fact that he was my best friend. but we’re okay now, and i think that we’ll be okay as long as we stop fighting. i love you matt. visit me soon, okay?”

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Me too, Chris, me too 😔✋️