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Levels of Orgasm Control and Chastity - A Guide for 'Vanilla' Keyholders

There are many different kinds of orgasm control. The chastity/denial/control dynamic exists on a spectrum and - as you will see from the countless resources online - there is no one 'right answer'. I've had a large number of DMs requesting variations of the blog posts that I have put out there so far - many of which ask for a 'watered down' version that they can take to their significant other as a way to start the chastity / orgasm control conversation. The most interesting questions are from more typically 'vanilla' wives and girlfriends who have clearly been sent my blog by their husbands / boyfriends and are at a loss to find ways to make this dynamic work. So this article will be a very basic guide to a 'gentle' start in this space to see if you and your partner can make it work.

Starting Out

In most cases in this dynamic, the man has initiated this conversation. First off - well done to him for plucking up the courage to tell you about his desires and fantasies. He's probably been thinking about it for ages and it's healthy to have this openness and vulnerability in a relationship.

Secondly, the most important thing to remember, is that he is proposing that you take the reins in terms of your sexual play. This is crucial, because if you truly take the reins, it means that you don't have to do exactly what he is proposing. You can, and should, put your own spin on things.

Teasing, denial and chastity are all essentially about orgasm control. This means that you man is saying to you that he would like you to take charge of when and how he orgasms. It's as simple as that. If you choose to participate and make this part of your play, this should be the starting point of all of your decisions. So, I'll say it again: "This is about you taking charge of when and how he orgasms."

Again, Why Does He Want This?

I am not going to spend much time on this question, as there are other posts and many resources about this online. However, the cliff notes:

"Not orgasming" for a long period has a profound, often positive, impact over a male's hormones and headspace.

Giving you control may be a turn on for him.

It spices things up in long term relationships.

Some men use it to break habits like masturbation / porn.

It helps a lot of men focus more, exercise more and sleep better.

It's sexy and fun to have you in control.

etc.

There are many benefits for you as the female, but again, these have been outlined ad nauseam. More cliff notes:

No pressure on you for sex

However, you get sex when and how you want it.

Cages look sexy

You set the rules

You can often 'redirect' the male's sexual energy into other things like service, massages, exercising and more.

etc

The Spectrum of Orgasm Control

Here is an opinionated view on the 'levels' of orgasm control you can choose from (or blend) if you and your man decide to give this thing a spin.

All orgasm control dynamics operate under the premise that your man is simply not allowed to orgasm without your permission. Should it be during sex, play or even him masturbating, he must wait for your express permission before he goes over the edge.

Chastity cages often play a role in this spectrum because they serve as a constant reminder and/or partial barrier that the male's choice to orgasm is no longer his own.

1. Not Locked

Here, the male does not wear a chastity cage and is free to touch, pleasure and edge himself at will. He is simply not allowed to come.

This is the simplest form of orgasm control for you as there's no cage component, but, interestingly, it's extremely difficult for him, as it relies purely on his evolution-proven, questionable sexual self control. It requires Buddha-level quantities of zen for most males to not sneak an orgasm while unlocked after 2-3 weeks of denial.

In my view, a major benefit of using chastity in this dynamic is that it is impossible for him to get hard while locked. This reality really keeps his erotic urges in check.

2. Self-locked

Here, you say to your man that you encourage, or are happy, for him to wear a chastity cage during his denial periods, but the locking and management thereof is purely up to him. There is no need to communicate about the lock ups, and the male is using this on his own accord to help control his desires.

This is a good place to start for couples beginning their chastity play which you both get the hang of things, and is also often a landing spot for those looking only for the lowest admin play.

3. Sometimes Locked

Here, you as the female will be more active in the lock up process - primarily by instructing your male to lock up for a specific period of time. You will decide the parameters for when it will be locked on, and when it will be removed, and the male is not allowed to unlock without your permission. In most cases here, you will actually physically keep the key, aka become the 'keyholder'.

This is probably the most 'standard' version of chastity that is practiced by couples, as it is more collaborative in nature. The male may be locked for portions of each month, 'every now and then', for trips, for events like 'Locktober' or 'No Nut November' or for randomly timed durations decided upon by the keyholder.

This is most 'active' version of keyholding as you will be steering the decision-making here. It's also potentially the most fun as there is an uncertainty and anticipation on the part of the male which is hugely exciting for them.

4. Default Locked

In this situation, the expectation is that the male is locked unless there is a clear exception in the form of agreed instances where he can be unlocked - like doctor's appointments, cleaning, certain sports, or airport security. Or, of course, if you want him to be unlocked for sexual reasons. There no need to define a lockup period, because there is no a 'period', per se. He's locked and can only unlock for pre-defined reasons or emergencies.

This is a more intense version of chastity for the male, but is significantly easier for you as the keyholder, as you don't need to set or manage lock up or release periods.

When Default mode is on, you will allow your man to unlock for his doctor's appointment, and then he will relock when it's over. You may unlock him for sex, but as soon as it's over, he will refit the cage immediately. No need for discussions or negotiations, and no questions asked.

Locking Pragmatics

Some keyholders are fans of dealing with the cage all that much, and enforce their keyholding by telling their man to lock themselves and present them the key.

Some keyholders really enjoy this little ritual, and like doing the cage fitting themselves.

Some keyholders want to avoid having their man touch or even see their unlocked penis at all, so will have their men bound and blindfolded at all times when the cage is unlocked.

Again, this is a spectrum. Pick and choose.

I'm Super 'Vanilla' - Where Should I Start?

Short answer - wherever you like.

But my recommendation? I would start in the 'Sometimes Locked' space. Let your man do the locking up part. Try it for a couple of weeks per month - maybe something like the first two weeks of the month are 'locked' weeks. Get a sense of how things go, what you like and what you don't like.

If your man tries to talk you out of your suggested lock up period, or tries to 'top from the bottom', then remind him that you will do this by your rules or not at all. Trust is everything here, and remember that it's ultimately about having a good time.

Expand your Knowledge

Read some other articles or blogs about some of the ins, outs and practicalities.

Communicate, tease, be selfish, have fun!

69 Ways to Please Your Cuckold…

1. Regularly make comments to your husband about other men you find attractive.

2. Remind your husband that you prefer larger dicks during sex.

3. Tell your husband about things your lover/s do better sexually.

4. Tell your husband whenever you have thoughts of sex with someone else.

5. Have your husband watch as you prepare yourself to go out looking for other men, or on a date.

6. Shave your pussy and tell your husband it’s because another man asked you to.

7. Have your husband bathe you, shave your legs and pussy, or pick out clothes, jewelry and perfume to get you ready for your dates.

8. Get a discreet (or temporary) sexually suggestive tattoo.

9. Get a body piercing and tell your husband it was done for your lover.

10. Buy and wear a Hotwife ankle bracelet when you go out.

11. Wear sexy, revealing clothing or high heels in public.

12. Stop wearing underwear and make sure your husband knows.

13. Openly flirt with other men in front of your husband.

14. Socialize with other Hotwives or join a Hotwives group.

15. Require your husband to give you cash for your dates in case you need to get a hotel room.

16. Have your husband go out and get a hotel room for you and your lover to use, and then bring you the key before your date.

17. Have your husband go out with you and make him watch from across the room as you meet, flirt and maybe even pick up men.

18. Have your husband drive you and your lover around while you have sex in the back seat.

19. Have your husband drive you to a motel to meet your lover, and return to pick you up afterward.

20. Have your husband help find men for you.

21. Have your husband accompany you to a bar to meet other men, and have him wait inside while you and another man adjourn to your car in the parking lot to get acquainted.

22. Make your husband watch you have sex.

23. Deny your husband the privilege of watching at other times. Never let him know which it will be.

23. Travel out of town on a business or weekend trip with another man.

24. Call your husband on the phone during sex with another man and let him listen in.

25. Fuck another man in your marital bed.

26. Fuck another man while your husband is at work or out of town, then let him know.

27. Fuck another man while your husband is in the next room.

28. Fuck another man, film it and let your husband watch it later.

29. When your husband watches you have sex, openly express how good it feels.

30. Do something with another man you haven’t done with your husband then tell your husband what you did.

31. Tell your husband every detail of a date afterward and get off on it together.

32. Or deny your husband the details of your date, but let him know it included enjoyable sex.

33. Fuck your husband’s boss.

34. Fuck one of your husband’s friends.

35. Fuck a black man.

36. Fuck a much younger man.

37. Fuck someone rich and powerful.

38. Fuck an authority figure like a police officer.

39. Tease your husband by reminding him that you might let yourself get pregnant by your lover.

40. Go to an XXX adult video booth together and suck a cock through a glory hole.

41. Go to an adult theater with your husband and a lover. Have your husband sit elsewhere and watch you and your lover make out.

42. Accompany a lover to a local swingers club as a couple.

43. Join your lover and a friend of his in a threesome (male or female).

44. Have sex in a semi-public place with a lover, then describe it to your husband.

45. Have your husband clean something in the house while you’re out on a date.

46. Have your husband pick out and pay for lingerie you will wear for your lover.

47. When your lovers call, take the call in another room and close the door for privacy.

48. Have phone sex with a lover, and have your husband watch as you masturbate and talk on the phone.