My Eldest Boy Is Here, He Has No Clue In That Head Of His

my eldest boy is here, he has no clue in that head of his

yoshimatsu, how you’re gonna have such an interesting life in this universe :]

Chapter 1 : Project Rendezvous with Stardom

Written by @lordofthesillystraws and @tottymatsuuu. Header by @ilovematsunos and @shroomblade

It was a dreary day, the sky was clouded and the rainfall was heavy. It was no day to be caught outside, but for a certain washed-up, self-proclaimed Frenchman, there was no other option.

“...Me was supposed to win, it was my idea! Those lousy sextuplets…”

There, under a bridge, with nothing but a cardboard box to call home, was Iyami. He stewed over his latest failure as he attempted to start a fire. The sparks caught on his pathetic pile of twigs, but were extinguished by a wet newspaper. Iyami muttered something under his breath as he tossed the paper aside; it seemed the world was against him today.

“If it weren’t for those damn sextuplets, me wouldn’t be here at all… If only me could start over…”

Iyami’s thoughts cut him off. Start over… He could start over. With new sextuplets, ones that would be just uninteresting enough to let him be the star. It wasn’t the worst idea he’d had, far from it.

· · ─────── ·𖥸· ─────── · ·

“...What terrible weather, dasu…”

Dekapan peers out the window at the pouring rain. He turns to Dayon.

“...You didn’t leave my clothes out on the line, did you?”

“Dayon!”

Dekapan sighs, pinching the bridge of his nose.

“...Of course you did.”

The door burst open suddenly, wind and rain blowing into the laboratory. Dekapan jumps off to the side, hiding behind Dayon.

“Gentlemen!” Iyami announces his presence, straightening his stance as he stands in the doorway. “Me has a proposition, zansu.”

He steps into the laboratory with long strides, stopping in the middle of the entryway. Dekapan peeks out from behind Dayon with a ‘hoe’.

“Propo…sition, dasu?”

Iyami clasps his hands together as the doors shutter closed behind him.

  “Yes, a proposition. And me needs your help with it, zansu.”

Iyami points at Dekapan. Dayon moves out of the way, grabbing a mop to clean up the entryway. 

“Me has a plan to become the main character again, zansu,” Iyami puts his hand to his chest. “To shine in the spotlight just as I used to! Me needs you to make duplicates of those sextuplets, zansu. They will be my supporting cast, like they should have been.”

Dekapan looks at Iyami, confused.

“Clone the sextuplets, dasu?”

“Exactly that, zansu! Clone the sextuplets!”

Dekapan sighs.

“I can’t exactly ‘clone the sextuplets’, dasu. Is this because of the race?”

“Who cares what the reason is, zansu!” Iyami interrupted. “Me needs myself my own set of sextuplets to be my entourage!”

He gets on his knees and begins to grovel at Dekapan’s feet.

“Please, Dr. Dekapan!” Iyami cried. “Me just needs to be in the spotlight again, zansu! Anything to be the main character again!”

Dekapan stares down at the crying Iyami, sighing in reluctance.

“There is one way, dasu.”

Iyami immediately lifts his head up, nose runny and eyes welled with tears.

“Really, zansu?”

Dekapan nods, a solemn look on his face. Iyami sprung up from where he was kneeling.

“What is it? What is it?!”

Iyami grabbed Dekapan’s shoulders, shaking him a bit. Dekapan kept his solemn expression as he led Iyami to the door.

“It’s not an easy process… You really want to know?”

“Yes! Yes! Me wants to know, zansu!”

Dekapan opens the door for Iyami, then suddenly pushes him out.

“Come back tomorrow. The weather is awful today.”

The door slams shut. Iyami blinks, dumbfounded. After what just happened registers, he shouts, jumping up into the air.

“Sheeeeeh!! You can’t do this to me! At least let me stay, zansu!”

There is no answer from inside the lab. Iyami sighs, defeated.

“How cruel… The weather really is awful…”

· · ─────── ·𖥸· ─────── · ·

The sun soon rises, starting another day in Akatsuka Ward. Dekapan wakes up bright and early, turning on the lights of his laboratory. Opening up the door to get in some fresh air, Dekapan looks down and finds a beaten-up Iyami curled up on the doorstep, fast asleep. In Iyami’s hand is a plastic bag. Picking up the bag and looking inside, Dekapan sees an assortment of random objects. A beer can, a grimy leather jacket, some cotton rounds…  These are all holders of DNA samples. Seems like Iyami really is that desperate to get back at the sextuplets. He sighs and gives Iyami a kick, startling him awake. 

“Sheeh!” Iyami exclaimed, “Who awakes me, zansu?”

Iyami looks around hastily before stopping at the doctor before him. He straightens himself up.

“Dr. Dekapan! Good morning, zansu!”

Dekapan responds with an exasperated ‘hoeh’, inviting Iyami inside once again, albeit reluctantly. He looks inside the bag again.

“I see you’ve brought some DNA samples, dasu.”

“Of course, zansu! Me figured that you would need it for cloning!”

Dekapan sets the bag down on the counter.

“That’s great, but it’s not enough, dasu.”

Iyami tilts his head, confused. Dekapan starts taking out the objects from the bag one by one.

“Such small DNA samples aren’t enough to make a full clone of a human, dasu… We’re going to need more.”

Iyami scoffs, crossing his arms.

“Tch! Like me’d be bothered to go back and steal some random garbage from those lousy sextuplets… Me already went once, me won’t go again, zansu!”

“...If you don’t want to search for more samples of the sextuplets, there is another way, dasu.”

“Sheeh?” 

Iyami tilts his head curiously.

“We can use something else, a cat, for example, to ‘fill in the blanks,’ dasu. We’ll use their DNA to make up for-”

Before Dekapan can finish, Iyami zooms out of the lab. Dekapan watches the trail of dust that was kicked up, exasperated.

“He really is that desperate, isn’t he?”

“Dayon!”

· · ─────── ·𖥸· ─────── · ·

Iyami found himself surveying alleyways, front yards, anywhere he could find cats. He wasn’t… really all that sure what places stray cats usually inhabited, but apparently his whims were right on the money. Of course, being the aesthete he is, he had to find the perfect cats for his plan, ones that acted very similar to the sextuplets. As he walks past one of the alleyways, he comes across a particularly fat cat laying on the ground. A lazy cat, laying around doing nothing… Seems like a perfect candidate for an Osomatsu clone! Iyami spots a nearby garbage dump and rummages through it, finding a can of thrown out tuna and a bowl. Perfect! He opens the can to pour its contents into the bowl and tosses it to the lazy cat. The cat notices the bowl, slowly crawling over to chow down. As the cat gorges on the tuna, Iyami swipes the cat up in a garbage bag. It fights against the bag for a bit before eventually calming down and relaxing in the bag.

“Uhyohyo!” Iyami laughed. “This is a piece of cake, zansu! One cat down, five left to go!”

He walks off to survey more alleyways with the cat in the bag. The rest of the day follows the same process. Find a cat similar enough to one of the Matsunos, distract it, snatch it, and repeat until he had a total of six. Two of them did put up a bit of a fight, but Iyami was determined (and also weirdly used to cats attacking him.) Nonetheless, it seems like he’s wrangled up enough cats for Dekapan to use! Iyami makes the trek back to Dekapan’s laboratory, carrying his bounty of cats with a rather prideful smile.

“This plan is going to work, zansu! Once we make these good-for-nothing clones, I’ll finally be able to get back at those lousy sextuplets for stealing my spotlight!”

Iyami proudly knocks on Dekapan’s front door, getting an answer shortly after. Dekapan stands before him, surprised at Iyami’s dedication to this project.

“Hoeh! That was quick.”

“Uhyo~! Never underestimate me, zansu!” Iyami replies triumphantly, putting a hand to his hip and flashing a bright smile.

“Never said I did…”

Dekapan lets Iyami into the laboratory, shutting the door behind him.

· · ─────── ·𖥸· ─────── · ·

Dayon and Dekapan make some preparations for the cloning operation. Dayon wipes away at the dusty exterior of a strange machine whilst Dekapan gets the cats some food, distracting them as he takes small samples of their fur.

“We have decided to repurpose one of our old machines for this, dasu.”

Dekapan gathers the clumps of fur and places them next to the Matsunos’ DNA samples. Once Dayon finishes wiping down the machine, he notifies Dekapan with a ‘Dayoon!’ before stepping away to let Dekapan work. He swabs the beer can with a cotton swab and rubs it onto a petri dish, placing the sample of the fat cat’s fur next to it. He brings the petri dish to the machine, stopping shortly to speak to Iyami.

“This machine will clone the Matsunos as best as it can, dasu. Since there isn’t a lot of the Matsunos’ DNA, there may be some differences.”

“Eh, me doesn’t care, zansu!” Iyami waves his hand dismissively. “Just as long as me can get a set of sextuplets for my entourage!”

Dekapan shrugs with a ‘hoeh’ and places the petri dish into a compartment next to the machine. With a pull of the lever, the machine analyzes the DNA before slowly building up a human body from the bottom up. Once the body is completely built, an electric shock is administered to bring it to life before it’s pushed out onto the ground. What lays on the ground now is a… Particularly larger version of Osomatsu with facial hair and longer locks.

“Uhyohyohyo!” Iyami laughs, clapping with excitement as he watches the rather dazed clone stand up. “This one looks perfect to me, zansu!”

Dekapan stares at the specimen, a bit confused.

“Hoeh… Isn’t this one a bit big, dasu?”

“Me doesn’t care! Let’s move onto the next one!”

Dekapan slides in another petri dish, and the same process happens. This time, what comes out is a slimmer version of Karamatsu with shaggy hair.

“Hoeh… Now this one’s a bit thinner-”

“Uhyoo~!” Iyami interrupts, “Don’t stop now, zansu! Keep it going! Me must have all six of them immediately!”

With a sigh, Dekapan slides in the next dish. What comes out is a version of Choromatsu with thick eyebrows and a mangy haircut. Just as Dekapan is about to bring up another issue with this specimen, Iyami interrupts.

“Don’t sweat the small details, zansu! They all look the same to me! Three left to go!”

Dekapan follows up with the rest of the DNA, three more specimens being pushed out of the machine one by one. All six line up to the side, looking at each other and around the lab, naked and confused. Dekapan and Iyami both stare at the new sextuplets. After a moment, Dekapan sighs.

“...I told you, they weren’t going to be–”

Iyami suddenly interrupts, stepping forward and pushing Dekapan back.

“Nonsense! They’re perfect! Simply magnificent! And me can tell them apart, which is even more convenient, zansu!”

Iyami then strikes a pose, pointing at the sextuplets.

“Welcome to your new role, NEETs! You are to serve under me as a group of uninteresting side characters, understand, zansu?”

Before any of them can respond, he turns around.

“Finally, me will have the spotlight all to myself once more, zansu! The world will know my name and sing my praises! Uhyohyohyo~!!”