This Is A Proper Horror Story! Everyone Please Be Careful Out There, Set Clear Ground Rules And Stick

This is a proper horror story! Everyone please be careful out there, set clear ground rules and stick to them. If your play partner doesn't agree then it's not worth it/they're not right for you! Communication, communication, communication!

Hi, I was hoping you could help me. A bit ago I met up with consensualpredator3rd and unfortunately I didn't have a great time. I regret meeting him for several reasons but the big ones are 1) He got to the hotel and started the scene immediately without saying anything or verifying he was who he said he was. We never talked about how the scene would start and he grabbed my neck right after walking in the door and started smacking me. 2) He popped my jaw smacking me 3) I shut down and just went along with it and he didn't do a consent check in and make sure I was still good. 4) His safeword system was inconsistent and he got really pissed when I called red to the point where I wanted to leave but I was scared to do so. 5) He got mad when I asked him to delete my pictures because I just didn't want him to have them anymore and he never gave proof of deleting them.

Maybe I'm the only one who had a bad experience with him, but I talked to someone and he said that these were all red flags. All I want is for no one else to get hurt like I did.

May 14, 2021: Friday Morning

Good Morning Anon.

I’m very sorry for your experience, and we appreciate you sharing it with us today. From the final statement in your ask, I can tell that you are shopping around this encounter to get feedback from people so you can get a better understanding of what has happened to you. I’m happy to tell you what I think, based on what you’ve expressed.

1. He got to the hotel and started the scene immediately...

Consent based encounters start with discussion and negotiation. Unless it was agreed upon before hand that the scene would start upon your entrance, (which you say it was not) it’s a fucked up way to start a scene with someone new, and was your first huge red flag of your experience. 🚩

2.  started the scene immediately without saying anything or verifying he was who he said he was.

How completely terrifying. There is no way a consent based experience should start this way. Once again, unless this was agreed upon, this is neither dominant or human behavior. Second huge red flag. 🚩🚩

3.  and he grabbed my neck right after walking in the door and started smacking me.

No. Without introducing himself? Upon entering? Undiscussed and unnegotiated? Completely fucked up. Red Flag. 🚩🚩🚩

4. He popped my jaw smacking me

So you walked in and he just started whaling on you, and hard enough that he popped your jaw. I'm going to guess there was no check in there, as there seems to be no concern for your comfort or safety anywhere in the encounter you are describing, so another red flag. 🚩🚩🚩🚩

5. I shut down and just went along with it and he didn't do a consent check in and make sure I was still good.

I understand your response as someone who was actively being abused. Considering the activities you're describing, it's inexcusable that you wouldn't be checked in with many times throughout the encounter, especially as someone new to him. 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

6. His safeword system was inconsistent and he got really pissed when I called red to the point where I wanted to leave but I was scared to do so.

An inconsistent safe word system = no safe word system. A safe word is something that must be reacted to strongly and immediately every time it's uttered. There can be no inconsistency in consent based encounters. Anger in response to a safe word being implemented is not dominant behavior. People who get angry at safe words tend to be abusers, misogynists, and/or narcissists. An inconsistent safe word system is a huge red flag. 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

7. He got mad when I asked him to delete my pictures because I just didn't want him to have them anymore and he never gave proof of deleting them.

When you give someone pictures of yourself you are doing that with consent. You should be able to revoke consent and ask them to delete them without any push back or drama. Anyone who acts pissy or won't give you the peace of mind of knowing you did what they asked you to do is not a dominant. Definite red flag behavior. 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

Here are some final thoughts:

* If you uttered your safeword and it didn't stop the scene, you were raped.

* A dominant will make you feel safe in a scene, even when it's an intense or CNC scene. Having an intense BDSM scene is about creating the illusion of fear and danger, not about actually putting you in a state of fear and danger.

* A dominant will have a rock solid view of consent and will be very concerned about that being reflected in every scene they have with you.

* Again, what you describe is a terrifying and traumatizing scene full of red flags and consent violations. I hope you learn and heal from it, and I hope some of what I said helps you to recover from it.

JD