My Watery Friend... Are You Too Brushed With The Pattern Of The Dappled Light...?

Me after getting interested in a character and franchise that I've never played

wwhatevver

Shaun of the Dead (2004)

Dave?? Is that karkats human boyfriend?? Credit to jabbywockers on Twitter for the idea

prompted by a convo abt how much alpha dave abuses drugs but would try stoic it out thru a bad trip lol

How I’d make Stardew Valley Worse

- Clint is romanceble and he’s still obsessed with Emily after you marry him. He gifts you coal and copper ore, nothing else. He projects on to your kids and wants to make them become blacksmiths like his father did to him.

- Speaking of, it would take him a full week to upgrade your equipment.

- All farm animals now act like their irl counterparts. This means that goats and bunnies reproduce at an INSANE rate if you don’t separate them, the goats and chickens actively attack you on certain random days and you can’t attack them, the cows and the horse easily get spooked and can stampede, destroying your crops if you don’t have them fenced off, and chickens have a 10% chance of killing one newer chicken via Pecking Order. All of the animals will attack you if you forget to feed them long enough out of desperation.

- Joja Mart has Intellectual Property Rights on their seeds so if you try to use their seeds in a seed maker they’ll fine you for the full profit amount of the crops you sold from the reproduced seeds.

- Mayor Lewis taxes your farm the same amount he does everyone else. Paying taxes as a farmer differs depending on your farm, expenses, investments, property, etc. so to keep the math simple it would more than likely be a basic 6% sales tax, 10% the day before a holiday event, and as a bone, potentially a 2% tax break at the end of the year.

- When cutting a tree down or mining ores, there’s a 3% chance that the ore will spray shrapnel at you, or the tree will fall on top of you, injuring you slightly.

- Monsters in the mines can follow you down levels if you don’t kill them first.

- if you go the Joja Route, Pierre’s will close down, the his family will move out of town (this will hurt Abigail and make her miss them if she’s married to you at this point. If not, she’ll move away with them and you can’t interact with them anymore). Joja will increase their prices by more than double, since they now have a monopoly on the valley. The other Npcs will be impacted by this- Shane and Sam won’t have a lot of time to roam anymore and will be stuck at Joja more often, Alex will have to shut down the ice cream stand, prices at the saloon will go up because ingredients are more expensive, and Pam and Penny will also be forced to move out.

- Real depressing heart scene with Linus where you find out the people who were throwing rocks at his tent were Joja employees trying to get him to leave so they can use his spot to dig and drill for more minerals.

- The community center is now harder to finish. Not only do you have to complete the junimos quests, but you have to continuously fight Joja on it because after each room is completed, Joja will try and bribe Lewis with more money. So you have to either select the correct dialogue option, or raise their bribe and pay out to Lewis more.

- If you complete the Joja route, Joja tricks you into signing over the farm, you become their employee again, loose your profits, move into your spouses previous home, and when Grandpa comes back, he’s extremely weepy and disappointed in you.

- Grandpa’s bed is now fixed and looks like a normal bed.

- After the community center is completed, you’ll still have to provide funding every year to keep it maintained.

- Recipes now require more ingredients. Also 200 more recipes ranging from 2 ingredient compounds to 10 ingredient compounds.

- If your animals only eat silo food for long enough, their products start to suffer and will only become high quality again if they’re able to eat fresh grass. This will make winter a harder season.

- Cellar is no longer attached to the farmhouse, and instead is attached to a new building type called the Winery. It takes double the amount of materials of a large shed because it’s two floors.

- You can no longer make past spouses forget you. Take responsibility.

- Giving up your kids is already very upsetting. Adding more insult to injury, your spouse will be inconsolable for a full season as they mourn the loss of their children.

- You can build cabins on your farm and invite npcs to live with you. But they will eat your crops and do very little different besides being more accessible. You can charge them rent but they’ll start to dislike you.

- Reverse heart system. Now not only can they grow to dislike you or be indifferent to you, they’ll start to straight up hate you if you’re mean enough to them. They’ll have negative heart events, and if you reach -10 they’ll never forgive you and you won’t be able to raise it past that without giving them a prismatic shard.

- Negative heart events will have negative consequences- your farm will be egged, damaged, you’ll find excessive amounts of trash in your yard, and sometimes equiptment or smaller livestock and crops will disappear if they’re at a negative 7 or lower.

- If you get to negative 10 hearts with everyone, they’ll have an event in the saloon where everyone refuses to talk to you but you can hear them talking about how terrible of a person you are.

- If you get to negative two hearts with a spouse, they’ll divorce you themselves.

- If you marry Harvey he can no longer operate on you as it’s a conflict of interest. You’ll be life flighted to a hospital in ZuZu City and it will cost you three times the amount Harvey would have charged you. He will help with paying the bill over time (you won’t be automatically charged, it’ll be an ingame weekly payment that the player can choose how much they pay on) but he can not do medicine on you anymore.

- Congrats on having kids! They have medical and food expenses now. You need to feed them at least twice a day, once a day if you are married. They’ll turn green if they get sick and have to be taken either to Harvey, or Maru depending on which one isn’t your spouse. If you don’t meet your kids needs they’ll be taken away from you for negligence.

- The kids age up until they’re about the same age as Jaz. They’ll leave the house to go play and explore after their seventh birthday. If you go to bed before they get home, they’re more likely to get sick as a result of being out in the cold for too long. They should get home around 9:30pm, so make sure to wait up for them!

- if you put the Mayors shorts in the potluck soup, Lewis will never be able to get 10 hearts with you. Same with the fall display prank.

DOVE: at a certain level of cunt severity getting misgendered by your family stops hurting and starts being funny

DOVE: i have d cups bro. the waitress thinks you have dementia

South park animal head-cannons

From top to bottom

Thomas: Hedgehog

Gary: Lamb

Rebecca + Mark: Shrew

Damien: Goat

Gregory: fox? (I might change it)

Estella: Persian cat

Pocket: ginger bunny

Pip: Albino or pale bunny

Christophe: red deer

I might make more lol

I love the devilspawn child. oh and pip too