Absolutely Beautiful. 👏

Absolutely beautiful. 👏

It’s long but if you want, read my sappy, not completely edited unsent letter to mark and ethan i guess??

It all began with a black and white spiral interrupting three scary games. There was an echo of cult-like chanting and an hourglass with skulls. I was intrigued, pulled in. This strange aesthetic struck a note with me. I immediately dove in to see two videos. One was that same black and white spiral; the other was, well, it was cooking with sex toys. I was confused, and experienced my first Unus Annus induced whiplash, but more than ready to hop on what I knew would be a wild ride. Cliche and classic, but, little did I know how much those two idiots and their project would mean to me.

The year flew by faster than I would have liked. More happened this year than I expected. Through all the apocalyptic shock, there was one stable, consistent thing in my Thanos-snapped life that I found myself leaning on time and again. Their steady, every day chaos was something I think many needed, and soon realized they needed as more and more piled on our shoulders with each passing month. I am eternally grateful for this gift of a temporary thing they gave us. 

Now I cannot say I loyally watched the videos every day, but I did not miss one. I found I liked letting the videos pile up and save them for a rainy day, though I knew that was not a habit I could keep forever. I peacefully played Minecraft while they went on internet scavenger hunts and validated the beauty of every woman (specifically Zak Effron). I slouched or curled up in my bed after a long day at work, giggling at their antics during collaborations and pulling things I should definitely not try at home. They brought a small, immeasurable joy in my life, which I held like one would hold a handful of fresh stardust. The warmth and humor they gave nestled itself in my veins and helped me power through so many changes that have created a whole new person I can proudly call myself. 

I moved thousands of miles from my family and friends and began working my first real job. I am building myself up and working towards becoming a functional human being for once in my life. I feel myself changing and growing every day, and they have been there every step of the way– guiding me in some, strange way.

I feel this project has inspired me in more ways than I could have possibly imagined. With each memeable, perfectly chaotic video, I learned time is precious, mortality is a gift from whatever one may believe in, and every opportunity should be taken with hungry hands and a hungrier heart.

I am excited for the future for once in my life, excited to see what I can accomplish with this new, taught mindset; excited to unleash this burning hunger and pour myself into everything precious to me. I have my own projects all lined up, waiting for me to give them color. I have a whole new internet personality to discover and support and watch grow; there is an endless hallway filled with doors of opportunity for me to open. These new things are all blooming and thriving from the decay of a digital channel. Such are cycles and life.

The day the livestream aired, I was met with jumbled nerves and a racing heartbeat. I trembled and worked faster than I ever had so I could leave earlier than everyone else (though I’m not sure if my boss was too happy). I was able to slide into bed with a light meal seconds before it started. I sat through all twelve hours, determined to see this through to the end and feel that sense of completion. I knew I would never feel complete if I missed a second. The rollercoaster of emotions were thrilling, I knew they would make for great inspiration in my writing. I laughed, cried, reflected, reminisced. I thought back to what I felt in the beginning and how my attachment grew so strong it hurt. 

As the clock sped down toward inevitable doom, I passed my parting words in silent, choked back sobs and clammy, trembling fingers holding my arms in a self-embrace. The clock passed into the final minute and I leaned forward, shaking my head, a silent no on my lips, betraying my composed nature. 10 seconds, and my mind flashed back into speeding film reels of Ethan and Mark doing goat yoga, shooting archery, shooting each other with paintball guns, using neti pots, creating disgusting food and drink combos, making holy and unholy water, playing nutball, attempting to paint, pasting the face of Benjamin Franklin on a ketchup bottle, hydro dipping a baby, bobbing for chunks of tuna, running from bears, hunting HeeHoo, holding one another and saying how much they loved each other. 5 seconds and my body dropped into ice, my stomach curled into itself, my eyes widened with tears and before I could whisper goodbye, the screen violently thrust me into darkness. 

I have never heard such deafening silence.

My goodbye still stuck in my throat, I slowly closed my laptop and pretended I was fine. I lapsed back into my usual coping of pretending I’m okay when I am very much not okay. The perfect cocktail of absolute elation and bone breaking sorrow has made my heartstrings refrain from playing their usual tune. All is still inside me, though the world rushes by. I know I am in mourning, and I know it will last a while.

Every time I will blink or let my mind drift, I will be met with wave after wave of memories, dripping in that golden chaos they created. I know out of habit I will look for their channel notifications, only to be met with nothing, only to remember their channel died. I know I will ask where they went when I forget that 12 is no longer marked by their uploads. It will be a journey, trying to forget Unus and Annus no longer exist in this material world. Their ghosts will haunt me for months, shadowing my every move. They will lurk in corners, watch me from afar, making sure I truly learned what they taught. They will whisper incessantly, reminding me death is inevitable and the clock is always ticking; they will chant and make mantras of nihilism until one day, their whispering will cease, and I will have lost them all over again.

Thank you, Mark and Ethan. You will never know my name, and you will never know how much your channel together changed me. The silly videos you made helped me more than I will admit out loud, and I can hardly wait for what the future holds for the two of you. I am now learning to hold hope and excitement in my own future. I am taking initiative in my life and seeing everything I take control of for myself pay off. I can only hope my future is as bright as yours. Thank you, again; the impact you have is so great and so positive. You will make history. I look forward to the end and what lies beyond. See you on the other side.

Memento Mori.

Unus Annus.

tl/dr: :( but also :)