I Want To Be With You Everywhere - Matty Healy X F!reader

I saw the boy with a friend who didnt really know much about them which was amazing because now hes obsessed but more so with “sex” but doesn’t wanna say “I’m obsessed with sex” out loud so he openly calls it “The Van song” and I love that so much 😂😂😂

Ask me anything I wanna get too know some people and make some mutuals ❤️

needs to be done

💙💙💙

any queer brothers or sisters out there that need someone to talk to or grieve to just know i’m here

#💙 #illfightwithyou

Part 15

Word count 3075

There’s a little bit of Ross in this one so if your a Ross girlie/guy your man’s in this has a slight POV and I think it’s quite sweet mention of anxiety and drugs again in this one

Matty's POV

The walk to school was pleasant to say the least, My headphones were in ,the sky was blue and there was nary a car in sight not much to complain about on this fine morning other than the pollution in the air affecting the Ozone layer. Green house gasses and Carbon emission affecting climate change but what can a 17 year old boy do about that really. I decide to wait at the park for Ross he'll most likely want to walk with me. I pull out a cigarette while I wait lighting it in-between my lips while I guard it from the wind, I let the nicotine run through my veins and relax right into it. Ross doesn't take to long to turn up, rucksack flung over his shoulder and one shoe still needing tied. "Bloody hell, what happened to you?", He looks down right dishevelled,

He leans over tying his shoes "Stayed up last night talking to John and I slept in, missed my alarm didn't I." mans stressing, he really thought hed be late. It's kinda funny seeing Ross in this state usually it's me. The more important thing here is that he's stayed up talking to someone. That's never a Ross thing to do

"What really !?" I pat him on the back and pull his bag strap onto his other shoulder for him. His bag weighs a fuckin ton what the hell. I look at him he looks more presentable and pat down his shirt a little bit though and straighten his tie "There you go lad, looking loads better", We sit down on the swings next to each other and I hand him a cigarette and a lighter he probably needs it right now. I take another drag out of mine "on a serious note though , I do need to tell you something". I can't look him in the eye , I'm nervous about telling him what happened last night because I know he'd be upset that I didn't tell him sooner, I contemplated telling him how I felt , I contemplated texting him but I just couldn't.

"What's up Lad ?", although I'm not looking at him, avoiding all eye contact with him , boaring into the ground with my eyes. I exhale the smoke that I didn't realise I was holding. I can still feel his eyes on me "Matty you can tell me anything you know ?."After inhaling the last of my cigarette I throw it on the ground and squish the reminisce with my foot now my hands are free and I don't know what to do with them. They immediately go to my hair curling the ringlets carefully.

"I did something last night" my hands are now between my knees I'm crushing them together , it's an anxious tick I suppose something I do when I'm scared "it was stupid", although I really want to tell him I can't bring myself to say the words. I'm stalling .

"Come on lad, what happened ?". I was hyper aware of everything going on around me and how anxious I was getting. I was sweating and it wasn't the least obvious thing.

"I used again" , my hands were clammy and I still couldn't look in his direction never-mind at him, I know it's just Ross and he'd never judge me but everything around me is spinning again and my vision is going blurry and I feel like I am about to throw up . It's just nerves.

"Shit man ,I'm so sorry , why?, what caused it ?, did something happen?, why didn't you call me ?" . That's so many questions in one go , how am I supposed to answer, shit everything is going crazy and my head, it hurts , I'm dizzy and I don't want to be here having this conversation right now.

"It's a long story....I had a meltdown really...George and I were talking about music ...he threw a track together in his class yesterday and really wanted me to hear it and uh I wanted to show him that I knew what I was talking about and he wanted to hear something I'd done so I made the error of singing 102 didn't I....and everything just spiralled" . It all came out all at once . I didn't plan on telling him the whole story but when I started I couldn't stop. Word vomit comes to mind. Still no chance of it stopping there though my mind is just raving " and and ...I had forgotten that Corey had given me gear from the party we went to the other week , I was trying to be good so I didn't take it ...but I found it when I was cleaning up ....and singing 102 again without Janey just hurt and ....".I felt Ross' hand on my bank and his arm snake around me in a tight hug trying to comfort me as the tears start rolling down my face

"Hey hey ...it's okay Matty, I understand, it's alright" , He held me close rubbing his hands down my back in a comforting kind of way , I'm now soaking his shirt with my tears there's no way that it's going to subside anytime soon "Can we just go back to yours for a bit" I mumble into his shirt. I don't quite know if he heard me because he makes no effort to move. He just held me. After a few minutes more he pulled away and guided my chin to look at him "we can go back to mine, my mum won't mind, I really don't think school is the right place for you right now, it'll be okay". I was upset , more so angry at myself . I had really been looking forward to school this morning somewhat excited to maybe have a full day in lessons but now my head was throbbing and everything was telling me there was no way that was gunna happen.

"I'm sorry" , Ross is still holding on to me while we walk back to his , the guilt I feel that he's missing school is bubbling in my stomach, " You don't have to miss school you know?, not for me" . The walk to his isn't to long, he lets go of me for a second to unlock his front door and he lets me go in first and follows close behind. Once I've dropped my rucksack into his room I slip into the bathroom because I'm feeling super nauseous. Ross tentatively follows behind me "please, don't come in".

"I'll just wait out here okay , and just call for me if you need me" . He lets me close the door and if I know Ross which I do he will literally just be sat at the other side of the door. With that knowledge I rest my back against the door and slide down, and try to avoid looking at the light so I can calm down. I slip my glasses off and place them on the floor beside me and force my knuckles into my temples to try and ease the throbbing in my head "Ross do ave any more painkillers by any chance?"

"Yeh there in the cupboard above the sink", His voice is soft and quiet from the otherside, I must have gotten up from my place on the floor to quickly because as I rise the nausea comes flowing through me tenfold causing me to rush over the the toilet and heave into it making a disgusting grumble echo through the room. "Matty are you okay ?". It comes in waves a few seconds apart three more times. The toast from breakfast swiftly making an appearance. My skin is sticky the room smells rancid and my eyes are feeling that familiar sting again. Here I go crying again for god sake. Once I'm sure I have finished I lean against the cool tile on the wall behind me , loling my head back.

"I know I asked you not to come in but I've changed my mind..." before I've even finished my sentance Ross is in the room and by my side, I curl up into a ball and fall against his shoulder

"I hate this Ross , I hate this sooo much , I was in such a good mood this morning and now here I am crying on your bathroom floor not even an hour later , I don't understand any of this" , my tears are flowing at a rapid pace now and I've lost all the ability to stop them, my bottom lip is trembling. "I can't keep doing this"

"What going on up ere ?", he tapped my head in between my eye brows indicating that he's asking what's going on my head.

"Everything , Everything is going on, I'm not okay , I'm just...so...emotional....I feel unstable in my own head" .I'm clinging onto Ross for dear life right now like he's going to disappear if I let go or I'm not careful "I....I feel lost"

"Can you tell me do you know when this all started Matty, like when exactly did the first meltdown happen ?, was anyone there to help?" . I can feel his arms wrapped around me , his warmth is trapping me in this feeling of closeness and understanding. It's safety isn't it.

I speak into his shoulder "I don't quite remember when it all started but I know I was at work when it first happened , I was at work and um it was a particular busy shift and everything was just getting to much, It started with just a headache but then like 20 minutes later just everything , everything hurt and I couldn't see and the room was spinning , my hands where shaking, they sent me home and mum looked after me?". I really did think talking about it would be a lot harder but something about being in Ross' arms make it a lot easier.

"How does it make you feel after", his hands are playing with my hair he knows it calms me down. Lightly tugging on the curls running them through his fingers

"I just feel tired and a bit twitchy", I still have a slight headache but talking about it is really starting to help a small bit. "Could you get those painkillers for me lad ?".

He does so, standing up and filing through the cupboard looking for the painkillers , filling a glass and picking up my glasses from the floor, handing me them. I thank him as he sits right back where he was pulling me into him "Do you want to go lie down then , Ill ring your mum and let her know where you are so she doesn't worry ?"

"That would be nice, thank you".After necking the the pills and water and putting my glasses back on , Ross pulls me up to my feet. Guiding me to his room, my legs are are still shaky but Ross is doing a great job right now. He lays me down on his bed and sits next to me. He's only got a single bed so there's not much room for us both but I pull him close to me while he's here so he doesn't leave.

"Try to get some sleep then lad", I close my eyes and concentrate on his breathing, I know he won't call my mum until I'm asleep since I don't like it when people talk about me. He turns the TV on and plays it on low friends is playing, I can feel him slightly shake every-time they tell a joke, he gets a good laugh. I fall sleep listening to the sound of his breathing against my ear.

~~~~~

Ross POV

Once I feel like Matty's asleep, I find my phone in my pocket and fire his mum a text.

"Good morning Denise, It's Ross , which you know I guess obviously but yeh , I don't know if your free to talk or anything but just so your aware Matty is here with me , you probably got a message from the school saying he's not there but I just thought I'd let you know he's here with me and not to worry"

"Good Morning sweetheart, I did see a message from the school but I have had a minute to check it over , what happened , he seemed happy this morning when he left?"

"I don't really think it's my place to say he should really tell you himself but I'd just recommend speaking to him or just keeping a closer eye on him for a little while , There's alot going in his head right now"

"I have realised that but you know how he is just avoiding us as much as he can , but thank you for letting me know sweetheart , I'll be round to pick him up after work, please just make sure he gets something to eat and keeps hydrated, I'll let his dad know"

"You don't need to thank me, I'm just looking out for him , he's asleep right now , I'll get him some lunch when he wakes up"

I put my phone back in my pocket because I'm not sure how to continue the conversation I've never been good at talking with peoples families without them around even though Denise is like another mother to me. I just stay in my room with Matty to keep a close eye on him. I've never seen this kid so quiet, it's miracle trying to keep this lad still for longer than five seconds. I smile to myself because finally seeing him look peaceful for the first time in so long really pulls at my heart strings. The TV in the background drowning as I just watch him sleep keeping an eye out for any signs that he's having a nightmare or something.

He's been asleep for nearly an hour now , he's laying next to me I can feel him start to get a little restless slightly thrashing about not much but it's still noticeable. "Hey , Matt , shhhh , it's alright I'm ere , Matty it's alright". His grip on me tightened and I don't know if I should wake him but I don't want him to be in distress so I shake him a little "Matty your alright, I don't know if you can hear but everything is okay" . At that his eyes open a little and he squints as his eyes get used to the room around him and he pulls himself into me guarding his face from the light seeping through the window. "Are you okay?"

"It's...it's to bright, the curtains can you close them" , I get up slowly to close the curtains and Matty sits up pulling his knees to his chest and the heels of his hands pressed into his eyes

"Matty , stop your going to hurt your eyes mate, you've got to be softer". I'm next to him again in an instant pulling his hands away and holding his face so he's looking at me "Is that better?"

He's looking at me with those eyes of his, so apologetic for no reason, he looks so young "I'm sorry , my eyes just always really hurt after a headache...like there just really sensitive"

I'm still holding his face, he's till looking right into my eyes "it's okay Matt , why you apologising, were you having a nightmare"

"I don't think so, I think I was just panicking in my sleep if that's even possible"

"I think that can happen you know", You know I don't actually know if it is possible but feels like it could be and it definitely seemed like that's what was happening. "Oh uh I haven't mentioned , your mums coming to pick you up after work"

"Okay , fuck she's probably gonna take me out for a drive somewhere so I'll talk to her , I don't wanna go out I just wanna be at home" , he lets his legs go straight again and rest his head against the headboard

"Why don't you want to go out ?". I'm sat next to him with my legs crossed playing with a singular thread coming off the pocket of his trousers, "doesn't it help to talk to your mum ?, she used to take you out on drives when you were younger didn't she to help you talk more ?"

"She did yeh , she used to take me out a lot when I had things going on , or when I was anxious as a kid like when I was anxious to tell her things, it did help, I think I'm just scared to tell her what I did, she'll be so upset"

"She'd be upset but she'd understand and she would never be mad at you , you know , I know your mum she loves you , just wants what's best for ya". I really hope he gets the help he needs seeing him so fragile and scared is weird he's always been so confident in himself , we'll not always he was always a little shy as a kid but since high school he really grew into himself and became such a light in everyone's world and watching that light dim has just been so upsetting lately. "Do you think they might be panic attacks or Anxiety attacks or something"

"Maybe , it's just everything sets it off that's what bothers me is that I don't know what's going to set me off everyday because there's always something"

"We'll we can work it on them, see what helps you calm down , and please talk to your mum , you never know how much it might help ya" . I pull a cigarette from my pocket and steal Matty's lighter from his blazer pocket "want one ?"

"Sure", I offer him one of mine as I light mine, we sit in silence for a bit as I ponder what to do next because I really just want to make sure he's settled before his Mum arrives which might make him open up more.

"What do you wanna do , watch tv , fifa or just sit for a bit", picking up my remote I look through what's on Netflix "if you want the TV you can pick"

"I don't mind , we can just watch whatever" , we finish our cigarettes and he immediately pulls out a joint "this might calm me down"

"Thats alright I'll just put some music on"

And that we do and we smoke until his mum turns up. Just around the back of 1

Word counts : 1328

No warning for this really

Also I’m sorry this is so bad , I just needed a filler and wanted a small snippet and G and Hann then some sibling love , so this is just really random

BUT HOPEFULLY THERES ONE MORE CHAPTER LEFT THEN THE BOYS WILL BE TOGETHER I KNOW THATS WHAT EVERYONE HAS BEEN WAITING FOR

"When can I come see you?", We'd come off of the call a few hours ago as my dad had come home, we'd kept in contact all day though because I didn't want to leave him. I know he's been sat with his mum and brother since and he seems to be doing alright. He told me they all made dinner together and that he'd actually eaten something which is also really good.

Matty: Darlin, you can come whenever you'd like, when do your holidays start ?

I'm currently sat basically hanging out of my window with a joint in my hands, feeling like I just want to hold him. I've been thinking about it since he told me earlier and the more I think about it the more I just need to be there. I've given myself a headache thinking about it which is quite funny really. The joint is helping calm my nerves a little

George : I'm sure they start next week but you've got exams for the next month, I don't want to distract you?

I hate the feelings that I'm having right now, I've never really been a clingy person. When I'm with people I know then maybe I am , but just maybe. With Matty everything is different I don't quite understand what that means. I was never this clingy with Laura and we dated for so long. It makes my head swim, why is this so different to everything I've ever experienced before. Maybe this is what other people feel when there in love, you know how they describe it in this corny romance movies. This is maybe how Adam feel with Carly. I should ask him.

I pull up Adam's contact and press the call button waiting fidgeting with my lighter while I wait for him to pick up

Adam: Hiya G , you alright ?

George: Alright Hann, yeh I'm alright, I just really need to talk to you about something

Adam:  What's up G?

George : I need to ask you something but promise you won't take the piss okay?

Adam: When do I ever?

George: Never, but like I'd understand if you did with what I'm about to ask you

Adam: Just ask me G

George: Alright fine , you know before you got with Carlz how did you feel , like how did you know you liked her.

Adam: I don't know , I just liked her didn't I , like she was just always around and she made me happy I suppose

George: Did you ever feel like you wanted to be with her like all the time and just like I don't know , like feel emotional when she was upset or something even though wasn't your place too.

Adam: G I love you bro but I really don't know what your getting at, what are you trying to ask me?

George: Arghhh fuck

I wrack my hands through my hair and my nails scrape against my skull as I lightly pull on my roots like I'm trying to pull my thoughts from my brain

George: I'm just trying to understand what's going on in my head, I really really like Matty and I feel like I'm being so clingy and annoying and too much but ....I don't know if it's because I'm overthinking it because I like him or if it's because I just wish I could help him.

Adam: Why is being clingy a bad thing , and why is wanting to help him a bad thing?

George : I just don't want to be too much Ad !

Adam: Has the lad said your being too much ? Cuz if he hasn't then I'm sure everything is fine

George: No he hasn't said anything about being annoyed at me or anything but ....that doesn't mean he isn't , I just really like him ..... and like what if I get to much and when he's upset or something and it messes things up.

Adam: G, please trust me on this , I'm sure your doing an amazing job, okay!?

George: I'm trying to trust you, my heads just all over the place right now Hann, that's all

Adam: Give yourself a break man !,

George : I'll really try , but uh yeh I'm just gunna go now I've got stuff to do and gotta look after Gracey and Lucie , Thanks man , I know I'm being difficult but thank you!!

Adam: It's alright G , love ya man

“Geor !!!!!” Little Gracie came barging into my room just as I was finishing the call with Adam “there’s a spider in the bathroom Geo, fix it !!!”, I then say a quick goodbye to Adam again before hanging up and pick Gracey up holding her on my waist “there’s a Spider , is there ?”

“Yeh it’s so big, it’s like this big”, she indicates the size by stretching her arms out.

“Wow that is gigantic ay?” , I can just see her nodding with her little blonde ringlets bouncing. And she’s clinging to me as we make our way to the bathroom. “Can you show me where it is Gracey?”

“No no no , I don’t want to see it again, it’s just in there”, I let Gracey climb down from me as she stands at the bathroom door pointing at where she saw the creature “right there Geo”

After finding the perpetrator and setting it free outside obviously because you can’t kill it , no matter how scared you are of the things you can’t kill them according to little Gracey “it’s just mean to kill them” , even though she didn’t want to see it skittering around she had to check the tissue in my hand for evidence that I “hadn’t crushed it with my tree trunk hands”

Lucie had joined us at this point coming to see what all the commotion was about “what are you guys up too” , stood at the front door, homework in hand , looking like the proper little Miss that she is. “Is that a Spider ?”

“Yeah, Gracey was scared so I’m just setting it free”

“Why are you scared of it Gracey , it’s just an insect , even though your just little you’re bigger than it is so you would be more scary to it then you are if it?”

“When did you get so smart ay, your both so grown up , when did that happen”

“I’m 7 George , I’m a big girl now , but Gracey is only 5 she’s not a grown up yet”, Lucie is genuinely so grown up and would literally do everything by herself if she could , so grown up , short brown hair that used to be likely Graceys blonde ringlets. Blue eyes which is weird because we all have brown eyes. Shes even quite tall for her age, nearly tallest in her class. She’s so independent, knows so much about everything and anything. Where as Gracey just a little bundle of clingy and joyous giggles ; she looks up to me big time not the blow my own whistle but she wants to be just like me. There both so damn intelligent though.

“That’s very true Luce , let’s get back inside yeh , Gracey you can watch TV and I’m going to help Luce with her homework okay?”

“Oki Geo”

“George I don’t need help, it’s just reading”

I hurdle them back inside after closing the door, I set up CBeebies up on the TV for Gracey and pull Lucie up in my lap as we sit down, she does thrash around a little trying to get me off her but she settles “I know it’s just reading Luce, but I want to see how good you can read it can you do that for me?”

“You know I can George”

Love your username 💕 makes me smile every time I see it because it's one of my favorite lyrics

I got my tumblr when I was having slight obsession with JC2005 Minute (I mean I still do love it ) but I have a new favourite song of there’s every week 😂😂 , but HEY how are you 🥰 , I’m glad I can make someone smile ✨

WHY DID I JUST REALISE JACK ANTONOFF WAS THE DRUMMER IN FUN!!! WTF 😳

Here we go guys I know it’s taken me a while to get this up and running but my writers block really hit me hard , Sorry this isn’t the next chapter to “Heart out” but it’s the first blurb to “Menswear” , if people like this short snippet I will continue it

( just a little disclaimer about this fic , 1) I am a transgender male myself so alot of this fiction is based on how I feel about myself written from another perspective and might not be the way others feel and is no way a representation of how everything will be as an experience for everyone 2) I know Matty Healy isn’t a transgender male himself so please don’t be coming at me , I know this ain’t all true based on Matty himself this is why it is fully just a fanfiction , but I really hope you like it)

Menswear

“Georgie , I need to tell you something”

“What’s up?”, George’s bleach blonde mop of ringlets bounced as he turned to look at me , we’d been sat in my room playing Mortal Kombat for hours and I really had something to tell him. It’s been eating away at me for quite some time now, We rarely ever keep things from each other, I’ve know George a couple of years now. We met at the age of 11 and immediately clicked, have been inseparable since. So the fact that I’ve had this secret from him has been destroying me. Mum had been trying to get me to talk to him. Now was as good a time as anything.

“I don’t feel like myself , I feel so wrong in myself like my skin isn’t my own , my thoughts belong to someone else, my body doesn’t match my brain”, I can tell instantly that he has no idea what I’m trying to say, he’s just looking at me with that wide eyed vacant expression that he tends to have when we’re high or he’s confused as all hell.

“What are you talking about ey “, George strolled over to me and plonked himself at the edge of the bed. “ you know you can always tell me if something is wrong”

“I know I know , that’s what I’m trying to do, just let me think for a second okay ?”, I couldn’t look at him. My heart was racing and I could 100% feel a panic coming on. I don’t know why really because I know he’d never judge but telling George feels scarier than telling my Mum and Dad. I took a deep breath , tried to pull myself together and took George’s hand in mine. “I’m transgender George , I don’t feel like a women, I hate everything about it, I want to be a man , no uh …..no , want to be is the wrong phrasing,… I um … I am one” , I could feel tears running down my face alongside George’s other hand on my cheek stroking them away.

“Well then , what would you like me to call you, because I’d like to refer to correctly from now on lad”, The moment he called me lad I knew George would forever be the most amazing person in my life. It just confirmed to me all my thoughts , I knew he’d never judge but it was still scary to think about it. I immediately wrapped my arms around him and grappled him into a tight hug, crying tears of joy, partly because he understood how I felt and accepted me as myself and also because he called me “lad” , that’s what he calls all the boys that we know.

“Mum and I were talking about names , and we really liked the name Matthew, but but but I think I like Matty for short”, George giggled with me and wrestled me into a headlock.

“Matty it is then ey …. Well then Matty, let’s get back to this game so I can beat your ass”

That’s was when we were 14 years old but now here I am at 18 sitting in my bathroom with George about to take my first short of testosterone

Part 24

Word count :2079

Mentions : just talking about codependency a lot in this chapter

George's POV

"Huh?", I totally didn't even register that I'd said what I'd said until I'd finished talking and now I look like a right idiot confessing how much I want him even though I've know him less than a week. What a knob I am, my mind is spiralling while he's just sat there with the biggest cheesiest grin and blushing

"You want me all to yourself, all you gotta do is ask Georgie", I looked up at him from where I was looking at my floor slight shock in my eyes I've barley know him a week as I've already said how do I as someone something like that he barley know me , I'm mental.

"Wh...eh...what do you mean love?", He might just be messing , hopefully , I'd get it , I understand why he'd be messing I have been kinda clingy, I have been all over him to just talk to me all the time maybe he's just trying to get me to back off , in's aging that everytime I think about him all I can hear is him telling his friend he likes me.

I watch him get comfortable on the floor and concentrate on what he's trying to say his mind already looks like it's racing "what I'm trying to say is um, I know we haven't know each other long, but like I feel this kind of like peace and tranquility when I'm around you and you keep me calm and I'm happy right, and people now a days are just striving to find happiness constantly looking for the pursuit of happiness and it's like if you not happy your wrong but that's not that case but either way you make me happy I don't have to pretend with you , I want you around , no , I need you around, so what I was trying to say is if you want me then you can have me, we don't have to label it as anything just yet, we can just talk and see where it goes", his hands flailing around as he's pulling his words together looking so animated "like it's nothing you have to force yanno just see where it goes and we can like , I don't know decide what we want to do at a later date if that's what you want", he lets out a big breath after ranting and shy smiles at me while picking at the skin around his nails.

It takes me a minute to process everything he just said and I lose myself in my thoughts until I hear slight movement on his side and jump out of my thoughts "if that's really what you'd like to do then I'd really love to give it a go but I don't want to put pressure on you" , There's no way he could be interested in me I'm not that amazing. "I really like you Matty".

"I really like you to Darlin , and I want to give this a go, I haven't properly tried with anyone in a long time, that's on me but I really want to try , and I need you to know that there will be times where I'm not talkative or might not wanna talk but please just bare with me when that does happen" , I'd give him anything he needs whenever he needs it so long as I always know how he's feeling and he communicates it with me.

"I promise I'll be what you need Matty", There's a smile adoring my face and my cheeks feel warm as shit and I can tell there blushing, his face mirrors mine on the other side. "Can I hear what you where writing ?", I start swaying on my chair. Swinging back and forth as he picks up his guitar from the floor and places the pick in his mouth again as he goes over the words on the paper

"It's not done yet but I'll show you what I have", he brings the pick down and begins to strum the guitar

"Now run,run away from the boys in the blue

Oh my car smells like chocolate

Hey now , I think about what to do

I Think about what to say

I Think about how to think

Pause it , play it , pause it , play it , pause it"

But every-time he says think it comes out more like fink and I swear it's the cutest thing ever. I'm in awe of him every-time I hear him play, hearing his voice a little crackly and raw is amazing.

"Oh , we go where nobody know

With guns hidden under out petticoats

No , where never gunna quit it

No , where never gunna quit it no"

He awkwardly placed the guitar down and pulls his jumper sleeve over his hands "that's all I have right now"

"It's kinda funky actually I really like it, any discourse behind it or just a vibe?" , he's searching me , I can see he's willing himself to talk his mouth opens a few times but no words come out, "you don't have to tell me"

"No, no....no..it's okay...it's about the night of the crash really...very losely based on what happened....it was quite cathartic writing it really", I just want to be there with him and watch him go through that writing process with him, write with him , make music with him, my room suddenly gets really cold again , I guess the heating is broken and they can't get it fixed yet. I pull my hoodie around me tightly and pull my hood up. "Are you alright darlin?".

"It's just cold in here is all, wish I could hold you, wish I could have you warming me up ?" , that's when my mind travels again, Imagine he was here with me right now, laying with me on top of my grey duvet, cuddled up together watching a movie or playing video game. Just melting into one another.

"Do you want a hug", he stretched out his arms towards me from his side of the screen as if to pull me into a hug and it just melted my brain.

"Love if I could possibly even touch you right now you wouldn't even have to ask" , I'm a stage four clinger the minute he's in my presence I don't know if I'd ever let go. "But yes love to answer your question I'd love a hug right about now"

I can see Matty looking around his room then he basically jumps up from his spot on the floor exiting the screen for a second but comes back with a really fluffy cardigan "I should send you this ay, because then you'd be warm and feel like your getting hugs at the same time and a bonus it smells like me, all the best things really" , I can see him holding it tightly and I can tell it means a lot to him even though it's just a cardigan.

"You don't have to do that if you don't want to you know" , I can feel myself blushing again, this is going to be a very common occurrence when I'm around him "it does look cozy though"

"I want to give it to you though" , I can't get over how  beautiful he is right now, he looks so small in his room, the juxtaposition between his tiny body against the high walls.

"If that's what you want handsome, hey sorry but back to the song, em do you mind telling me about Janey, just so I know how to help you when you get bad, if I know about how you guys where and stuff I might be able to help” , I know this is really out of the blue but I’ve just really thought about it the last few days that telling me about her might give me better understanding on how to help him when he gets into his head.

“W…w..why?”

“Sorry that was stupid of me , you don’t have to, I uh just thought that, if I know how things were between you two I might be able to help you better when your in your head” , I begin to panic a little as I don’t want him to think I’m prying or deliberately trying to hurt him by asking about something that upsets him but if he can talk about her it might help.

“No no darlin , it’s okay, it just caught me off guard a little that’s all, we were very codependent with one another from like a really really young age, for the longest time we thought we were brother and sister , because her mum was friends with my mum and dad , so she’d be round most days we went to the same nursery , grew up with each other, one year she went to Tenerife when we where about 8 or 9 I swear those ten days where the worst days of my life, cried every single day asking my mum how many days till she’s home , the night she got back, I begged my mum to ask if she could come sleep over which she did” , he’s smiling and looks so happy talking about her , he still has his sleeves draped over his hands and he’s curled himself inwards so he’s holding his knees to his chest, I wish I could be there to lend a supporting hand, but for now all I can do is listen.

“As we got older, we were still joined at the hip, couldn’t have one without the other really but things happened with her , her mum left when she was 11 and her dad basically turned into a drunk more or less , then she kinda turned into a little rebel herself but I wouldn’t let her do anything by herself so if she got I trouble we’d both get in trouble , blood bonds and all that” , I could see him get up from his position on the floor and set himself up at his desk .

“Sorry it was getting uncomfortable down there , anyway , yeh I’d have done anything for her , she was the best thing to ever happen in my life you know , I was always trying to impress her , I know she’d never like me that way cuz she liked girls which is also another reason that when we dated it didn’t last long , but she was always so beautiful and I always wanted to be around her, so when she was drinking , I was drinking , when she was smoking , I was too , and the same when it came to coke”

“I always just wanted to keep her safe , so if she was getting high I was gunna get high with her , didn’t want her doing it alone , wanted to protect her because I know what guys where like and what they’d be thinking so I wanted to be there all the time when she was getting high so she was safe, we used to only get high at parties but then it happened more often to get us through school , or get us through work and it got really bad and people started noticing so we tried to stop , the last party we were at we both tried not to but people kept offering us and we could say no and that’s when it all went to shit really “

“Cuz uh , yeh um , we went to this party down the road…” as he’s trying to finish the story I can see him rise from his chair and start pacing around while trying to find his words hands racking together. So I let out a .

“Matty my love , it’s okay , if this is to hard , we can talk about this another time if it’s to tricky”, I’m trying to get him to hear me but he’s pacing and not paying much attention to me “Matty ?, darlin?, MATTHEW ?” , he pauses his movement and looks at me his eyes slightly glasses. “My love come sit down please , I’m sorry I didn’t mean to ask , it’s too hard for you too talk about right now”

As he sits down his head is in his hands again and I can hear slight sniffling on his end “Matty I’m sorry , I didn’t mean too”, he looks up at me and gives me a half-hearted smile.

“It’s okay darling, it’s not your fault, I just miss her like I’m missing part of me”

Might be getting the fic on archive sooon hopefully ❤️

ALTHOUGH DOES SOMEONE WANNA HELP ME WITT THE LATEST CHAPTER CUZ IM A MONTH BEHIND AND JUST CANT GET IT GOING ???