Kurtis 🙏🙏

Bad Idea, right?

afab!reader x Derek Danforth

Summary: You drunkenly bump into Derek at one of his parties.

WC: 2.5k

Warnings: 18+, MDNI, alcohol, drunk sex, oral (m receiving), choking, cheating, porn with (some?) plot, hard dom Derek, afab reader, p in v, P piercing, fingering, degradation, praise

A/N: I know I said I'd write a Sean fic but I just got severe Derek brain rot...

Enjoy!

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You’re not exactly sure what you’re looking for. You just know you need alcohol. Well, you’ve already had… two? Four drinks. But, what’s the harm in a few more?

As you stumble your way to one of the bars, you run headfirst into someone’s back. The stranger turns around, looking down at you. You immediately recognize him. Derek Danforth, billionaire playboy. You had worked for one of his many companies before, and your sorry excuse of a boyfriend was the reason you were even at this party in the first place. Derek and him used to know each other a while back but they haven’t spoken in years. He still dragged you to every single one of Derek’s insane parties, only to abandon you halfway through.

When the parties died down and you got too tired to keep your eyes open, you’d find him trying to sneak around with one of Derek’s hookers.

Derek pulls a vape from his pocket, his eyes fluttering as he wraps his lips around it and inhales. While he speaks, sickly sweet vapor blows into your face. “What’s a girl like you doing here alone?” His head tilts to the side as he takes another puff of the vape. 

“I’m not alone.” You cross your arms, your eyes not leaving his. A smile creeps down onto his face as he makes a big show of looking around you. “I don’t see anyone, sweetheart.” His voice is low and gravely, a telltale sign that he’s a bit tipsy too. The smell of whiskey on his breath mixes with the artificial vapor, making you dizzy. 

You take a step back, looking around for the man you came here with. Your eyes land on him sitting on a velvet couch, women with scandalous dresses surround him and run their hands through his over-gelled hair. Derek follows your line of sight, his eyes squinting as he sees him. “Really? That fuckin’ loser?” He laughs, throwing out more insults. “Are you really here with him?”

You look back over to Derek, your hands finding their way to your hips. “Why is that so shocking, Danforth?” He laughs, scratching the scruff on his chin. “I’ve scammed that bastard hundreds of times. He’s just a dumbass. He’s got no business being here with a beauty like you.” You know you should turn around and bolt through the front door. You also know it’s definitely a bad idea to tease someone a part of a family as powerful as the Danforths, but something entices you. 

Fuck it, it’ll be fine.  “Huh. In that case, I guess I’m not here with anyone then. Are you interested?” You give him a sly smile. “Oh, that’s cute.” He smirks, his calloused hands finding their way to your chin. He tilts your head up, bending down to put his face inches from yours. “Sorry, Honey. You’re drunk.” You shuffle closer to him, your noses just barely touching. His eyes flicker down to your lips, his tongue swiping over his own. “So are you.” 

He laughs, taking his hand away from your face and straightening back up. “Not enough.” He takes one last look over you, his eyes lingering on your breasts. He mutters something incoherent to himself when he turns to walk away. “Hey- Wait.” 

Your hand wraps around his wrist and you pull him back into you. His breath hitches in his throat as you press yourself against his crotch, already feeling his bulge. “You sure?” You slur, the alcohol taking over your senses and filling you with a burning desire you’ve never felt before. There was just something about the way his eyes undressed you, shamelessly focused on each curve of your hips. You want him, and you know he wants you too.

What you don’t know, however, is he’s almost ready to rip your tight little dress off and take you right there in the middle of the room. His frankly perverted thoughts are interrupted as you slowly grind against him, his pants getting tighter by the minute. He groans and doubles over, his hands gripping your waist. His fingers dig into the skin, making you whimper.

He groans with clenched teeth in your ear, “Fuck.. You’re just a slut, aren’t you?” His degradation does nothing but make the fire inside of your core burn brighter. You feel like you’re going to explode if he turns you down again.

“Please…” You whine into his chest as your hips slowly begin moving against his again. You glance around, noticing people begin to stare and whisper. Derek doesn’t even seem bothered as he grips you tighter. He curses again, every amount of hesitation pulled out of him. He grabs your arm roughly, finding the closest bedroom.

He quickly pulls you both in, pushing you against the door with one hand and locking it with the other. He pushes you further against the wall, his thigh riding up into your crotch, spreading your legs further apart. He yanks up your dress to your hips, your panties and legs exposed. 

His lips quickly find yours, his hands sliding down to your wrists. He pins them to the wall behind you, kissing you harder. You shiver as his tongue slides out and drags across your lips. Your lips part, inviting his tongue to slip inside. You whimper against him as you feel his tongue brush yours. 

The rough fabric of his suit pants grinds against the thin cloth of your underwear. You buck your hips against his thigh harder, your panties soaking through and turning the light green fabric of his pants dark. He bounces his leg against your core. You whimper into his mouth as his thigh continues to hit your clit. 

Derek’s lips wander to the skin of your neck, sucking the sensitive skin. You start grinding against his leg harder, feeling your stomach tightening. You moan louder as your back arches against the door. By the noises you’re making and the way your back is arching, Derek can tell you’re close. 

He whispers in your ear, his hot breath tickling your neck. “You wanna cum? Hm? You gonna cum for me, sweetheart?” You nod and groan louder as his leg quickens and his grip on your wrists tightens. Just as you feel yourself slipping away, his thigh leaves your clit. You whine, feeling the euphoria quickly get ripped away. “You’re going to have to earn it, Love.”

His hands leave your wrists and grab your shoulders, pushing you to your knees. The rough carpet scrapes against your knees. You look up at him through your eyelashes, his crotch inches away. Without a second thought, your hands find the cool metal of his belt buckle. You quickly undo it, his pants falling to his ankles.

His tight boxers leave next to nothing to the imagination, the outline of his erection is very visible, begging to be free. You notice something sticking through the fabric. You quickly pull down his boxers, interested to see what it is. His dick springs up, slapping his stomach. He’s pretty girthy and he’s already leaking with pre-cum. The most striking thing, however, is the frenum piercing right below his tip.

You look up, raising your eyebrow. “Really?” He laughs, his hands tangling in your hair, gripping it. “Never seen a dick piercing before, honey?” You shake your head, millions of fantasies filling your brain. All you can think about is how the cool metal will feel sliding in and out of you as he stretches you out. He pulls your head closer to his erection, daring you to do something. “There’s always a first time for everything.”

Your tongue pushes past your lips, dragging it from the base of his cock to the piercing. The cool metal drags across your tongue. Your hand finds his shaft and you slowly drag it up and down his length, keeping eye contact the whole time. He looks down at you, biting his lip and grunting as your pace increases.

He throws his head back as he feels your tongue swirl around his tip, taking it into the warmth of your mouth. You slowly bob your head up and down, only going as far as the piercing. It drags across your mouth, the metallic taste overwhelming you. Derek’s hand drags you forward, your head pushing down further. The tip repeatedly slams against the back of your throat as his hips begin thrusting forward.

You gag, your eyes filling with tears. You scrunch them shut, your hands reaching out and digging into his thighs as he continues his assault on your throat. With every thrust, he tests you by pushing further and further. Spit drips out, dripping down your chin and running down the front of your chest.

The sounds of your gagging and choking fill the room as Derek begins groaning louder. His movements quicken, his grip on the back of your head tightening. Blackened tears from your smeared mascara roll down your cheeks, mixing with the spit and pre-cum.

Derek pulls your head back, pulling completely out of your throat. You begin to gasp, trying to catch your breath. Before you’re able to, he pulls you back forward, slamming into you again. No one has ever done such a thing to you before, and it overwhelms you. At the same time, you can’t deny you love it. The feeling of his fingers tangled in your hair and the feeling of him pounding into your throat fills you with nothing but pure lust and need. You buck your hips against nothing, your ruined orgasm from earlier begging to catch up to you. 

After a few times of Derek pulling out of your mouth and slamming back in, his movements get more sloppy. “God- Fuckk…” He groans loudly, not caring about the partygoers dancing right outside down the hallway. “I’m- I’m gonna…” His deep, gravely moans from earlier dissipate as whimpers leave his mouth. His lewd, almost pathetic noises flip a switch in you. You start bobbing your head faster, trying to match his rhythm. 

His hips stutter, and he slams back into your throat one last time. Hot ropes of cum shoot down your throat, filling your mouth with a salty-sweet taste. He doesn’t pull out until you swallow every last drop. Once he’s finished completely, he yanks you up, pulling you over to the bed. “You’re such a fucking slut…” He says as he gets on top of you, kissing down your collarbone.

He reaches behind you, unzipping your dress. He yanks it off of you, throwing it across the room. He quickly does the same with your panties, throwing them behind him as well. His eyes engulf your naked figure, not leaving a single part unseen. He resumes his earlier actions, this time kissing down to your bare chest. His lips find one of your nipples, taking it into his mouth. You moan as he swirls his tongue around it, pinching the other one between his fingers. He takes it between his teeth, gently pulling on it. You whimper, your arousal getting almost too much to handle. 

To your dismay, he pulls away, removing his hand as well. He glances up at you through his long eyelashes, his big brown eyes shooting through you. You grind your hips up against his, desperate for any friction you can get “You want more? Hm? Use your words, sweetheart.” He pins your hips against the bed, not letting you have any relief. 

“Please.. Please.” You whine. “What? Please what?” You throw your arm over your eyes, your face lighting on fire. You hate how much he’s toying with you, but at the same time, it just makes you want him so much more. “Please, please fuck me.” He smiles, a satisfied laugh leaving his lips. “Good girl…”

He spreads your legs open, his middle finger dragging through your folds. “You’re so wet for me already..” He gasps out, his eyes widening. His finger slowly slides into your pussy. You gasp as he adds another thick finger. Both fingers curl further up, pushing against all the right spots. 

You feel him lining yourself up with your entrance, his dick rubbing against your clit. His fingers leave you, quickly being replaced with his tip. You slap your hand over your mouth as he slowly inches in. You feel his calloused hand roughly yank your wrist down, pinning it to the bed. “I want to hear your pretty moans.” 

Your hips involuntarily arch up as he pushes you further. You do as he says, your moans getting louder. Your head begins feeling fuzzy as you feel a slight burning. You don’t know how much more of him you can take. Finally, after what feels like centuries, his hips meet yours. The feeling of his piercing sliding against your walls is something you’ve never felt before. But you definitely don’t hate it. 

He leans down, his lips capturing yours. He slowly begins thrusting his hips, groaning into your lips. He continues to thrust slowly, making sure you’re comfortable.  “More... Please, Derek.” You plead, getting exhausted from his painstakingly slow pace. He pulls his lips away from yours, looking down at you. A smirk creeps onto his face,  his eyebrows furrowing. “You sure you can take it?” You pull him back down on top of you, only whimpering out his name.

He immediately pulls out, slamming back into you, hitting your G-spot. You scream as he begins to relentlessly pound into you. His teeth find your neck, biting the skin beneath your pulse You dig your fingers onto his bicep, your fingernails leaving divots in his skin. Your back arches off of the bed as he continues to mindlessly ram into you.

He hoists your legs up over his shoulders, his hands gripping your thighs. He mumbles out praises as he watches you squirm under him. You feel yourself climbing closer and closer to the end, your legs already beginning to shake. His hand shoots out, gently squeezing your throat. You start getting dizzy, your vision blurring. 

Skin slapping skin fills the room, loud music still blaring from outside. Sweat rolls down your neck, your fingers digging even deeper into his arm. He starts groaning even louder as his thrusts start to have no rhythm. He tenses up, gripping onto you harder. He slams into your G-spot one last time before cumming into you. The feeling of his warm cum coating your walls throws you over the edge, nothing but bliss spreading through your veins. Your whole body shakes as you come down from your high.

He pulls out of you, laying down next to you. You sigh, his cum dripping out of you and running down your leg. You're sweaty and hot, but you don’t regret a thing. If you could, you’d do that a hundred times over. You look over at him and he gives you a suggestive grin.

“You should let your boyfriend drag you to my parties more often…” 

My toes are curled this was so good 🛐🛐

Older; not Wiser (pt. 1)

Derek Danforth x fem reader

2.5k words

Tags: 18+, age gap, reader is 20, no use of y/n, smoking, shotgunning, brat tamer Derek, bratty reader, filthy shit, porn that's mostly plot, grinding, clit stimulation, Derek has dirty thoughts, (duh), idk just read it this is mostly buildup to smut

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Derek stumbles into his private study tired, high, and eager to take a break from the party raging in the rest of his mansion. He often retires to this room, as no one is allowed here but himself. Not even the maids.

So why is there a pretty young woman lounging in his recliner?

No, not lounging... you look far too tense for that. In fact, you don't even seem to notice his presence at all until he's towering over you.

"I believe this is my seat, sweetheart." He says, trying to keep his voice firm and suppress a smirk as he takes a hit of his blunt.

You scramble up from the chair immediately, squeaking out a quiet apology.

Ah, so you know who he is. AND you listen. That's good.

Derek chuckles to himself as he plops down in the plush lounge chair, a cloud of smoke escaping his lips.

You apparently don't know what to do yourself after the little evection, simply staring at your feet and tugging on the hem of your dangerously tiny dress.

Fuck, you look good.

"Oh, c'mon. Don't be like that. We can share." Derek pats the armrest of his chair, giving you what he hopes in an inviting smile.

After a few seconds of simply blinking at him in shock, you shyly make your way over and take a seat on the armrest. Your arm hooks around the top of the chair as you get comfortable, but you're careful not to touch him.

Derek can't help but smirk slightly at your timid nature. Is he really that scary? Whatever. He'll take it as a compliment.

"So, does she speak?" He asks after another slow hit of his joint. You look so pretty through the dim smoky haze.

"Not much." You admit, fixing your gaze on your lap in an attempt to avoid eye contact.

Derek looks at your lap too, but quickly has to turn his attention elsewhere. Fuck. That dress really is too short.

"Something tells me you're sober." He teases, waving his blunt in front of you.

That earns him a nod, so he pushes further.

"Want me to fix that, sweet girl? Looks like you need to relax a little."

You pause for a moment, then reach for his blunt. He pulls it away from you with a sharp tsk.

"Not like that. Open up for me, doll."

Your eyes widen with surprise as he brings a hand up to cup your face. He takes a long pull from his joint, enjoying the pretty little look you give him.

When he gently tugs at your bottom lip with his thumb, you obediently open your mouth, leaning down towards him.

His lips meet yours, and he exhales a lungful of hot smoke, depositing it directly into your own mouth. You eagerly take everything he gives you, melting into his touch. He can't help but want to give you more.

"Derek..." You whisper, eyes fluttering open as you stare down at him with a blissed-out look. Oh, that definitely relaxed you.

"Yes, doll?" He has to fight to suppress a smirk as he slowly tucks an arm around your lower back. In a failing attempt to be respectful, he lets his hand rest on your outer thigh, instead of shoving it right between your legs like he truly wants.

"Can you do that again?" You ask sweetly, leaning in a little closer now.

How could he ever say no to you?

"Only if you answer something for me, sweetheart." He practically purrs, gently caressing your cheek with the hand that's still holding the blunt. He's careful not to burn you, as the last thing he'd want to do is mark up that pretty face of yours.

Your neck, though...? No, he shouldn't go there. Not yet.

You hum a response, leaning into the touch and closing your eyes. One of your legs slips down from the armrest, falling on his lap instead.

Whether it's intentionally seductive or simply a sign you're growing more comfortable with him, Derek can't tell. He welcomes the touch either way, tugging you just a little closer with the arm he has around you.

"How'd a pretty girl like you end up all alone at a party, hm? Surely someone out there is missing you."

There. A not-so-subtle question. Is the little trespasser single? Not that it really matters. He'll have you either way.

"Oh, uh... I dunno... I was just feeling overwhelmed, and... well, I've been to parties before, just..."

After a minute of stumbling over your words, Derek waves a hand, cutting you off and putting you out of your misery.

"Just not a Danforth party?" He finishes for you, chuckling.

You flush a bit and nod, clearly embarrassed. Hm. You hadn't exactly answered his question, but, well... If you are in a relationship, it clearly isn't that serious. Not with how you're halfway to sitting on his lap.

"C'mere, sweetheart. You need to relax. It's overwhelming out there, huh?" He speaks softly, pulling you ever-so-slightly closer and giving your thigh a light pat.

Your arms slips around his shoulders in return, and he takes one final pull from his rapidly shrinking blunt in an attempt to hide his smugness. God, you're so damn eager. It's endearing.

After dropping the remnants of his joint in a nearby ashtray, he pulls you down to meet his lips again. You graciously accept his breath, and Derek swears he hears a moan spill from your pretty mouth.

"Feel better?" He asks, cradling your face in his hand.

You stare down at him with pure admiration, inching even closer as your eyes glaze over. The weed is clearly starting to take effect.

"What? You wanna take a seat, sweet girl?" Derek pats his lap, and apparently, that's all the invitation you need.

Before he knows it, you're situated sideways across his legs, with your arm still hooked around his neck.

He lets out a breathy laugh and tucks both his arms around you in return, one around your lower back and one just behind your knees.

Now that you're all up close and personal, he finally gets a good look at you. Fuck, you look young. His heart starts to race for a moment, irrationally fearing the worst. He knows there's a strict 18+ rule for all of his little parties, but still... couldn't hurt to check.

"Just how old are you, doll?"

"Twenty. Why?" You blink at him curiously, making yourself comfortable against his chest.

Shit. Okay. Twenty. That's not... too bad, right? His brow furrows, and he grips your thigh a little tighter as he pulls you close.

You must pick up on his hesitation, because you cup his cheek with your free hand and gently turn his head to look at you.

"Why? How old are you?"

"Take a guess, sweetheart."

Your faces scrunches adorably as you study him, and Derek has to hold in a laugh.

"Like... twenty-five?"

"Hm. You must be higher than I thought." He finally allows himself a small chuckle, taking your hand from his face and pressing a gentle kiss to the back of it before lacing your fingers with his.

"That or you're just trying to flatter me."

You flush a bit at the kiss, but don't seem too phased otherwise, giggling softly and avoiding his gaze.

"How old are you, then?"

"I'm twenty-eight, sweetheart. You're practically a baby." Derek lets out an amused huff, squeezing your hand a little tighter as he slumps back in the recliner.

If you're surprised by that realization, you don't let it show. Instead, your free hand finds its way into his hair, lightly tugging at a handful of his curls.

"Yeah? And you practically have one foot in the grave, old man."

Derek should be mad at that. Both at the sudden intimate touch, and your disrespectful words. But looking into your eyes, seeing you smile at him like that? God, it just melts him.

Of course, he isn't quite ready to let you get away with that little quip either, so he gives your exposed thigh a playful smack.

"Play nice, little girl." He growls, returning your sass.

That just gets another giggle out of you. He marvels at how much you've changed from the shy girl he met just minutes ago. Hm. Must be the weed.

"You haven't smoked before, have you?" He muses, voicing his observation. He's sure of it. That light in your eyes. It has to be your first high.

"I mean... not really." You stare down at him with a smile, mindlessly twirling a lock of his hair around your finger.

Alright, that's enough of that. At this rate, you're gonna make him soft for you.

"Okay, sweetheart. I'm gonna call you a ride home." He huffs in amusement, shifting and reaching into his pocket for his phone.

"What? Why?" You frantically tense your grasp on his hair, giving him a look of genuine hurt.

Ow. Derek grunts, grabbing your hand and gently prying it from his curls.

"I'm not letting you go back out into that party like this, pretty girl. Look at you. Practically naked, and higher than a kite." He playfully tsks at you, running a hand over your exposed thighs for emphasis.

Fuck, you really are one wardrobe malfunction away from exposing yourself. Part of him is tempted to peel back the fabric of your tight little dress and try to catch a glimpse of your panties... if you're even wearing any. He wouldn't be surprised if you'd decided to forgo them.

"Who says I want to go back out into the party?" You start inching up his lap, getting dangerously close to his crotch.

He knows he should probably push you off, call you a ride, and send you home. Maybe give you his phone number, if he's feeling bold. But he doesn't want you to leave. Not when you're so damn fun.

"Woah, woah. Careful, little girl." He gently nudges you back down to his legs, desperately trying to keep you off his awakening dick. It stirs slightly in his pants from the movement, and he tries to discreetly adjust himself with a hand.

"I want to stay here with you." You whisper, giving him a pleading look as you reach to cup his cheek once more.

"No." He says firmly, though his cock is screaming at him to say yes.

"You're too far gone for this, sweetheart. I shouldn't have given you that second puff."

Derek reaches for his phone once more, determined to call you a ride and get you home safely.

Before he can even unlock the damn thing, you snatch it from him, dropping it onto the floor and out of reach. He tries to protest, but his angry growl quickly turns into a moan as you position yourself over his straining cock.

"I. Want. To. Stay."

Derek's nails dig into your thigh in retaliation, and he grits his teeth in a failing attempt to bite back a groan.

"You don't know what you're asking for." He growls, roughly grabbing your jaw and pulling you in closer.

"Then show me."

He does.

Derek kisses you with as much force as he can muster, biting your bottom lip and tugging it down to allow his tongue access to your mouth. He takes over the kiss, trying to swallow you whole.

After a few minutes of oral abuse, you pull away, dazed and panting.

"Too much for you, sweetheart?" He teases, unable to fight back a chuckle.

"No," you pant, "not nearly enough." With that, you reach a hand down and grope at his clothed cock, eyes trained on his own.

Fuck.

Your intentions are now explicitly clear, and Derek can feel his mind and body pulled in two different directions. Logically, he knows this is probably wrong. But his dick doesn't care about logic, and his brain is quick to agree.

He lets out a low growl as you start palming him through his clothes, and finally decides to do something about it. Two can play at that game.

"Oh, you're trouble. Aren't you, little girl?" One hand roughly squeezes your thigh, and the other slips between them, working his way up.

"Hm-hm." You just hum in agreement, melting against his chest and nosing into his hair.

"Yeah? This what you want?" He asks, finally reaching your panties. Fuck, even through the fabric, he can tell you're absolutely soaked.

His thumb traces circles around your clit through your underwear, and the needy little sounds you make only encourage him further.

Derek can't help but think this is a perfect way to spend the evening. He'll sit here and help your rub one out till you cum in those pretty panties, then hold you till you fall asleep on his lap. It'll be a damn good nap, too, considering he'd given you some of his own joint earlier. Good shit.

And then after, well, he'd either call you a cab or have someone fix up a room for you. He wasn't going to let anything happen to his new toy.

"Want more."

Derek is pulled out of his contemplation as you squeeze his cock again, more urgently this time. He hisses a response, trying to stay firm.

"You'll take what I offer, doll." He pulls his hand from between your legs, and lightly smacks your thigh as a warning.

This doesn't seem to go over well with you, as you begin to pout and backtalk him.

"What, scared? Does this old thing even work anymore?" You taunt him with another tantalizing grind of your palm against his dick.

Okay, that's enough of that.

"You wanna test it out, sweetheart?" He growls, harshly grabbing your wrist to put a stop to your little tease game.

"Maybe I do." You giggle, blinking down at him with an false innocence that he might have fell for, had he not just felt how soaked your pussy is.

Christ. You really are trouble. Derek soon finds his hands on your hips, guiding you to straddle his lap. Maybe he could let you ride one out on his thigh. That wouldn't be so bad, right?

Or maybe he'd have to make yet another change to his plans. You start to slide up his lap, and in the blink of an eye, you're pressed right up against his straining cock.

"Look, little girl." He growls at you through gritted teeth, tightening his grip on your hips in an attempt to ground himself.

"You don't know what you're asking for."

"Then show me."

Derek can feel every gentlemanly urge leaving his body at your words. Well, he had tried the respectful route. His resolve in the face of your teasing should be applauded, truly.

You start to desperately grind against him, and finally, he snaps. You've made it clear what you want from him, and he can't hold back from giving it to you any longer.

He's going to to fuck you absolutely dumb.

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Author's note: I'M SORRY TO LEAVE THIS OFF ON A CLIFFHANGER but I am currently too sleepy to write!! But I want y'all to have SOMETHING, so here's a little treat!!

Part two will 100% be out tomorrow, and it will (probably) be the only additional chapter. This was just supposed to be some quick smut, not a whole series.

(It'll also be from the reader's perspective, this whole scene just felt right in Derek's.)

LOVE YOU GUYS!! HOPE I DIDNT MISS ANYTHING TOO GLARINGLY BAD BECAUSE THIS IS BARELY EDITIED AND IM SLEEP DEPRIVED !!!

currently i’m watching an entire 5 season show for a man who shows up in season 3 only 4 times!!

felt

The feminine urge to delete all your (already few) socials and dissappear off the face of the earth ✨️

This app desperately needs more Sean fics like look at this man

I was scrolling on the front page here and i just got jumpscared with a pic of a naked man…!!

I JUST WANT JOSH HUTCHERSON CONTENT PLEASE 🙏🙏

Wallace, you and I should take a trip to Ohio. Maybe rizz some mungus? Perchance edge and goon to a skibidi toilet? Maybe once we’re done we can Jelk and mew for a few hours?

erm.. what the sigma? 🤓☝️Is this DILF trying to rizz my gyatt?? This is SO not fanum skibidi.

@claptondavis

I think I need assistance translating this... cryptic cacophony. I starred at it for a good 10 minutes with two different pairs of glasses and still feel like I'm having a stroke.

I'm starting to think Tumblr isn't so good for my health.

My Favorite School Spirits Scenes&Dialogue

[Feel free to use any of these as writing prompts]

CW: School Spirits Spoilers, Innapropriate Language, Mentions of Murder

---

(Maddie and Simon walk into the auto shop looking for evidence)

Simon: Talk about a perfect place to dump a body... He ever bring you here?

Maddie: .....

Simon: Oh jeez. This is where you guys hooked up?

Maddie: I'm not answering that.

Simon: Classy guy.. What, was the dumpster behind the Jack In The Box already taken?

Maddie: Oh, grow up. You tried to make a move on Celeste Molina at the bowling shoe return counter.

Simon: That was eighth grade!

Maddie: It was ninth! You just looked like an eighth grader.

---

Xavier: And you know what they say...

Maddie: What do they say?

Xavier: Bros before... strong, independent women with bright futures, it's a very popular phrase.

Maddie: You're stupid... you're lucky you're cute.

Xavier: What the Lord deny in brain, he deliver in beauty.

Maddie: And boy did he deny.

---

Maddie: Look, I can't really chat right now because I've got some holes in my memory to fill.

Wally: Hey, that's why I'm here, I can totally help you fill your holes.

---

Maddie: ...Excuse me?

Wally: Oh, uh, obviously I did not mean for it to come off that way.. it was more of a hypothetical "I can help you figure things out if you need it."

Maddie: Okay... I can handle it myself. And I don't need to take advice from someone who looks like they're headed to aerobics class.

Maddie: You were murdered by your guidance counselor?

Rhonda: Yep. Guided me straight to the light.

---

Rhonda: There's still people in this school that count on you. Dead people.

Maddie: Since when did you stop majoring in who-gives-a-fuck?

Rhonda: We all have to pitch in, pussytoes.

Maddie: I'm sorry, what did she just call me?

Charley: I.. I think it's probably a flower...?

Maddie: 'kay...

---

Simon: You hate scary movies, just own it.

Nicole: That's not true. I liked Scream.

Simon: That's scary satire, doesn't count.

Maddie: And you closed your eyes the second the movie started.

Nicole: No I didn't.

Maddie: You spent half the movie looking for that twizzler you dropped on the ground.

Simon: And you don't even like black licorice, that's Maddie's thing.

Nicole: Yeah, well, Maddie didn't invent black licorice.

---

Charley: The bigger disappointment was me thinking I would get to haunt all the assholes who tortured me while I was here. But uh, instead, I was haunted by all the jokes they made once I was gone.

Maddie: What do you mean?

Charley: I was a gay kid in the 90s who died because he was allergic to nuts.

Maddie: ...

Charley: Okay, that's where you're supposed to laugh.

---

Simon: Nicole, you were supposed to give me a ride this morning. To school? Remember?

Nicole: I had stuff to do. Sorry.

Simon: I figured, you were AWOL all weekend, didn't answer a single text.

Nicole: I had an application deadline, okay? So the video statement was due, my portfolio looks like it was slapped together by a third grader, so..

(A minute later, Simon opens up her binder and looks at her portfolio)

Simon: Hmm. FYI, you're a very impressive third grader. I mean, I'm impressed.

(He turns to a page that's full of half a dozen photographs of Maddie)

Simon: Uhh.. and a little concerned. Damn, she knew you took all these?

Nicole: I took a bunch of you too, you're just.. not photogenic..

Simon: Yeah.. but.. this is intense. I mean, it's cool, it's just a lot of maddiemaddiemaddiemaddiemaddiemaddie —

Nicole: — What are you trying to say?

Simon: ..Nothing. Hey. Breathe, stop doubting yourself, okay? If admission asks why you're obsessed, say you worshipped her. Tell 'em she taught you how to parallel park.

---

Maddie: Seriously? All we do is haunt the halls of the stupid school, and none of you have seen anything suspicious from Anderson?

Wally: Well, one time I saw Mr. Anderson misspell the word "Fundraiser" on a Boosters Club poster, and I – he forgot the D. I feel like that's pretty suspicious coming from an English teacher.

Charley: Wally.. I'm pretty sure that was a pun..? So I'm assuming he probably did that on purpose....

Rhonda: Sorry, sweets, we don't just stand around staring at the living all day.

Maddie: No.. you plan weekend fun. Like movie nights.

Mr. Martin: Well, we do what we can to break up the monotony, Maddie, that's all.

Charley: Well, if I may.. to be fair, watching the same five sports movies over and over again is kind of monotonous, Mr. Martin.

Wally: I thought you loved "Rudy".

Charley: No.

Wally: Wow. Just w– I can't even.

---

Rhonda: How are you not pissed right now!?

Wally: I am pissed, Rhonda, I'm just trying to make sense of this all, this is very new to me, I don't know how I feel —

Rhonda: Try not to lose it in front of your crush.

Wally: OK, YOU DONT HAVE TO BE MAD AT ME RHONDA -- I DIDNT DO ANYTHING, BE MAD AT HIM —

Rhonda: I am mad at him.

Wally: Okay, you said you wouldn't bring that up again —

---

Maddie: Have you seen my teacher Mr. Anderson?

Dawn: You mean like him with a murder weapon? Or your dead body?

Maddie: Yes!

Dawn: Nope! Though I am pretty easily distracted...

Maddie: Is it the.. bad acid?

Dawn: ....?

Maddie: Charley mentioned something about that..

Dawn: Well no, I've never taken drugs! I just meant from all the new ways you kids have had to connect... (starts talking about the internet)

Maddie: Okay.. well I've got to go talk to the bus crash kids.

Dawn: Oh, good luck. Those banjos are all bongo, if you know what I mean... You should let me come with! I speak bongo.

---

Nicole: I'm sorry, when did you become all Scooby Doo?

Claire: ...

Nicole: I mean, two months ago, you were wiping your feet on Maddie's face, now you're... what? Trading in your pom pom for a trench coat?

---

(Charley laying on the indoor pool bleachers with sunglasses over his glasses, smelling sunscreen)

Charley: Ah, I love this smell. Coconut, verbena.. you close your eyes, you could be anywhere. Miami.. Aruba...

Rhonda: Yeah, and then you open them, and there's a band-aid floating in the surf.

Charley: I miss a good sunburn.

Wally: I miss Debbie Gibson.

Rhonda: ...??

Wally: What? I thought we were talking about stuff that we miss.

---

(Emilio walks past Charley and makes him gay panic)

Rhonda: Dial it downnn.. just because you smell like an Almond Joy, doesn't mean he knows you're here.

Wally (to Maddie): That's Mr. Figueroa. Emilio. He was Charley's crush when they were still students here. He sponsors the.. L-G..T —

Rhonda: — B.

Wally: B-T-Q club.. and Charley never misses a meeting.

Charley: I only go for the refreshments.. and uh, you're one to talk. You hit the gym every day to impress some boneheads who only know you as a name on a scoreboard.

---

Charley: Okay, let's try hypnosis.

(Dawn randomly spawns in the back, sitting at the table eating the burrito)

Dawn: Oh, God no... Not that.

Wally: Hello, Dawn.. uhhh, how long — how long you been sitting there, girl?

Dawn: Since I smelled the burrito 😊

---

(The ghosts are gathered in a circle so they can begin the anti-seance as Dawn waves an old, burnt Brussels sprout around as a substitute for sage)

Dawn: Settle, settle, settle, settle. We're under Capricornus.

Rhonda: ...who?

Dawn: The stars. Close your eyes, look inward, right to the back of your skull. What are you seeing, Mads?

Maddie: Uh, not much, it's dark..

Dawn: Dark!

Rhonda: Maybe it's the back of her skull.

---

Xavier: I just -- I feel like I'm walking into a trap.

Maddie: Funny. I don't recall you being scared when you were hooking up in your backseat.

---

Rhonda: If I thought it would help me cross over, I would go out there and tackle someone.

Mr. Martin: Okay, that's the spirit.. I think.

---

Xavier: I wasn't tampering with anything, dad.

Sheriff Baxter: Man, how stupid do you think I am? What are we, runnin' neck and neck in the dumbass derby?

---

Wally: I wanna make sure she's okay!

Rhonda: Let's check the faculty lounge..

Charley: She didn't say she needed a nap.

Rhonda: Maybe she went to speak with Simon. Sorry.

Wally: Why are you sorry?

Rhonda: You wince every time you hear his name.

Wally: This is not me wincing, this is my happy face.

Rhonda: Ah, could have fooled me.

Wally: Look -- I know she's still trying to figure her stuff out, but I can wait. We're not even at halftime.

Rhonda: I don't know what that means.. but if that is your happy face, remind me to hide when you're really happy.

---

(Maddie and her mom arguing before Maddie's death)

Maddie: You wanna take everything that dad gave me? Here. Take this.

(Maddie rips her necklace off and hands it to her mom)

Maddie: You could pawn it, get 40 bucks from it. Buy yourself a fucking welcome mat.

---

Xavier: If I ask her about the phone, she's just gonna bail!

Simon: Stop being a fucking coward!

Xavier: A coward -- FUCK YOU SIMON.

---

Simon: SAYONARA, SHIT RIVER!! Northwestern won't know what hit 'em!!

(proceeds to bump into somebody walking through the hall as he says that)

Maddie: Slow your roll, we're not even in yet.

(Bell rings)

Mr. Anderson: You degenerates are late!

Nicole: I'm not even in your class..

Mr. Anderson: You're still late.. and degenerate.

---

Claire: What did you tell the police?

Mr. Anderson: I told them the truth. That I took that money to pay off my dad. Is that okay with you? Cool. Can I go?

Claire: Did you say anything about me!?

Mr. Anderson: Y'know what? I don't remember! 😛

---

Mr. Martin: It sounds like you're struggling. Write your obituary.

Maddie: Uh, no.

Mr. Martin: Everyone here has written one. It helps us to focus on the highlights of our lives, the sweet victories.

Maddie: I've gotten out of writing papers before because of cramps. I'm pretty sure death counts as a good excuse.

---

Simon: Happy?

Maddie: Yeah, I'm thrilled. My DNA is on a boiler room wall and my piece of shit boyfriend might have something to do with that. Does it get much happier!?

Simon: Oh, so now you come around? How many times did I tell you that dude was sketchy?

Maddie: This isn't about him keeping hand lotion in his glove compartment, Simon.

---

Simon: Bathrooms.. you're not gonna linger and wait there... right?

Maddie: ...

Simon: MADDIE

Maddie: Relax, I left before I saw anything.... But you should really wash your hands more.

Simon: Okay and now I'm hanging up. Byeeeee!

Why am I like this

i’d let him jump me 🥰!!

Honestly even with the crush on lola bunny, cannibalistic cravings, & the fact he's following an account that just posts videos of kids getting hurt...

Josh Hutcherson's biggest red flag is still that he has a "J" name