Lidia Yuknavitch, From Reading The Waves: A Memoir Published In 2025

An eating disorder isn’t thin wrists and tiny bellies.

It’s 2 clementines, half an orange, and fuck I am a failure.

depression is when you don’t really care about anything

anxiety is when you care too much about everything

and having both is just like what

it’s not normal for your boyfriend to ignore you when you want to talk to him.

it’s not normal for your boyfriend to shove you when he’s angry.

it’s not normal for your boyfriend to call you a dumbass or a bitch when you’re in an argument.

it’s not normal for your boyfriend to threaten to leave the relationship every time you defend yourself.

it’s not normal for your boyfriend to invalidate your feelings.

it’s not normal for your boyfriend to not tell you who he’s with or where he’s going.

it’s not normal for your boyfriend to keep making the same detrimental mistake over and over.

it’s not normal for your boyfriend to use your insecurities against you.

it’s not normal for your boyfriend to make you feel guilty for having desires and needs.

it’s not normal for your boyfriend to tell you that you’re stupid when you cry.

it’s not normal for your boyfriend to cheat on you because he’s “just a stupid guy.”

it’s not normal for your boyfriend to rely on you when he doesn’t do a thing for himself.

it’s not normal for your boyfriend to hurt you intentionally.

please stop normalizing toxic romantic relationships. it’s not healthy for your partner to upset you and behave recklessly as long as he apologizes later. apologies mean nothing after he has repeatedly disrespected you. kisses and hugs mean nothing after he has repeatedly disrespected you. public displays of affection mean nothing after he has repeatedly disrespected you. promises mean nothing after he has repeatedly disrespected you. it is not okay for him to hurt you physically or emotionally because he said he’ll change. he hasn’t. he won’t. get out now because THIS! IS! NOT! NORMAL! other couples do not go through this. other couples did NOT have to go through this to be in a happy, wholesome place.

he is manipulative and selfish and he is making you weak every time you agree to stay. even when you feel like “maybe this time, things will be okay,” they won’t – that’s what he wants you to think so you never slip from his grasp. you know as well as i do you’re 50 times overdue for “this is his last chance.” this is not normal.

"I don't wanna bother you"

Have you considered that this is how your presence feels?

She stretches out across your sheets; she’s all legs and red lipstick. You don’t remember when she got here, but you know she’s not leaving yet. She reaches out, runs a hand through your hair. She smirks, purrs: “Just stay in bed.” She curls up on your chest, clothed in other people’s diamonds and a long, black dress. Her fingers play invisible piano keys across your collarbones and she plants kisses on your neck when you should be taking a shower, getting dressed. You can’t get a word in edge-wise because she’s constantly asking you: “Remember that one time..?” And your mouth doesn’t work. And your brain doesn’t think. And are your eyes blinking? I don’t know. When was the last time you ate? She’s there when you try to return that call, when you go to put on your shoes. She powders her nose and gives you sideways glances at the liqour store. She laughs at jokes you don’t catch. She traces your lips with a well-manicured nail, asks you constantly to forgive her. She never apologizes. She never changes. When she falls asleep beside you, you can’t do anything but stare at her or the ceiling or her or the ceiling or her or the ceiling— She keeps you awake with her constant shifting. In the morning, you are empty and nauseous, with an ache behind your eyes and the panicked feeling that you’re wasting the best years of your life. Slowly. Pointlessly. One day at a time. Your friends tell you to leave her, but it’s not that easy. You don’t remember a Before and you can’t imagine an After. So, you make a quiet life together, just the two of you. You sleep in until noon and stay up drinking every night. You quit your part-time job to spend every day with her. Until she gets bored, and she always gets bored. When she does, she escalates. A little cocaine. Some scratch marks down your legs. Waking up in the bathtub, shaking. Those pills look just like candy, don’t they? But, she reaches out, runs a hand through your hair. She smirks. Purrs: “Just stay in bed.” They compare her so often to a little black rain cloud, a wilting flower—but she is so much more complex. Infinitely more tragic. She’s the feeling you get at a strangers funeral, like maybe you should cry or just not be there. My Depression is the first person I ever fell in love with. And together, we are wasting the best years of my life. Slowly. Pointlessly. One day at a time— Those pills look just like candy, don’t they?

excerpt from my novel TL Jablonowski (via littlevirtue)

Addiction might have you feeling like there’s no way out, but there is. Quitting is hard, but it’s possible, and it’s worth it. 

angela smith