Sophisticated-trash - Unbetitelt

Kevin Fiege: Loki is an ally of Thanos.

Me:

I'd like to make a small addition to the Humans are Space Orcs trope (yes I'm super late I know)

So

You know the joke about aliens being weirded out that we pack bond with basically anything?

What if we introduced aliens to fandom culture

Clint: Just remember; what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.

Natasha: What didn’t kill me should have tried harder.

Clint: Natasha!

Natasha: What?! I’d appreciate a little follow through once in a while..

Clint: You’re never going to let that go, are you?

Natasha: ...Even you couldn’t kill me when you had the chance.

Clint (contemplation shows in his face as his eyes coming to rest on one of the hospital pillows): ...

Natasha: Do it you coward.

Kim dokja is currently trying a pick up line on Yoo Jonghyuk

Kim dokja : are you http?

Kim dokja:because without you I'm ://

Yoo Jonghyuk, eyes wide: how-

Han Sooyoung, emerging from the bushes nearby: HOW THE FRICK DID YOU JUST SAY THAT OUT LOUD

Steve: i’m by section

Steve: i’m buy

Steve: i’m bicentennial

Sam: it’s okay, take your time

Steve:

Steve: bucky

Natasha: *loses Clint in a crowd*

Natasha: this calls for drastic measures

Natasha: *shouts* HAWKEYE IS THE MOST USELESS AVENGER

Natasha:

Natasha: shit I forgot he’s deaf

Stephen: [watching the news] some idiot tried to fight a squid at the aquarium

Tony: [covered in ink] maybe the squid was being an asshole

hmmm

Space Chefs

So I don’t know if anyone’s written about this yet, but I was trawling through the humans-are-space-orcs tag and I was hit by the sudden realization that I’ve seen nothing about space chefs. 

Space chefs must be like one of the most knowledgable professions out there, think about it:

“Alright, so this is a Crexian from Norix- that means capsicum is a deadly poison, Omega-3 will cause muscle spasms and due to the atmosphere on Norix, calcium will give them terrible diarrhea- no wait, this is a male, so Omega-3 is actually delicious–”

“–a Bio-bot, model Gamma-341, so absolutely no organic oils in anything or their systems will stop working, and for Stabby’s sake do not let anything with iron in it so much as look funny at their food–”

“–Mariddian fresh out of hibernation, shove as many protein additives into that meat as you can get away with and remember not to use salt, it fries their neural pathways–”

Like. I bet there’s an Interstellar Chef magazine in circulation full of recipes that are two pages long and then all the species that can and cannot eat it are listed for the next five. And every time a new species joins the intergalactic mess, the magazine runs a special issue as all the space chefs die a little more inside. The special issue gives a brief breakdown of the new species biology and then dives straight into what’s poison, what’s nutritional, what’s considered delicious and whats considered choke-worthy. If at all possible, the special issue also includes recipies from the species native culture while all the space chefs desperately try to figure out what dishes they can jury-rig into a new definition of edible.

They probably love humans though.

“Hey Jaxki, did you hear about the new species that the Crynsu found? They’re supposedly from a Death World, can you belie–”

“Oh fuck another speices?!?! They found three last spin and I’m still trying to figure out what to feed the Hrethad. Any word what they eat? You get the Chef before me.”

“Hold up let me look, I just got it today…void and dust!”

“Oh novas, what, can they not have water or something?”

“Jaxi these fuckers eat everything! They can digest chlorogenic acid! Some of them do it every day, by the void-loving gallon!!! And that’s just the nose of the Quarlag! This thing has a whole list of chemicals these guys consider delicious or edible and I swear to you it’s like someone mixed their list of the universe’s most common compounds with its spacing deadliest poisons!”

“Oh thank FUCK.”