Space-cadet-25 - Spaced Out...

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In the mountaintop city of Timbre, the power struggle between the monarchy and the people becomes increasingly bloody and personal.

Roisin, a young boxer, attempts to navigate her relationship with violence and guilt in an environment that is not only unforgiving, but killing the ones she loves.

Working on a webtoon by the title of Bruiser - keep an eye out for its drop in the next month or so.

Okay so this is gonna be a long, long ass post about Katherine Howard's 'arc' as expressed in All You Wanna Do, especially in response to some criticisms leveled against the pieces as glorifying or downplaying childhood sexual abuse (CSA).

The problem with the song is that it is in a genre not usually rife for analysis. It's so over the top that people assume there can't possibly be room for subtlety- they assume everything in the song must be be exactly as presented, because where is there room for nuance in a cheerful bubblegum pop song?

The problem is that there are so many things that generally speaking, only people who have a lot of familiarity with victims of CSA- whether because they themselves were victims (as I myself was) or because they know them- would have any chance of knowing. It flies over the heads of anyone who isn't in on these little "secrets." The people who haven't been there don't get it, and the ones who have... we know. And it is powerful.

So off the top of my head, here is a list of behaviors, patterns of thought, etc exhibited by Katherine Howard throughout the song that only someone familiar with CSA would pick up on:

1. Childishness. Of course some people simply have childish personalities, but there's a different kind of childishness (some) CSA victims display compared to others. It's a childishness interspersed with precociousness (and this is represented very well in Howard's dress). You know things you aren't supposed to know at your age- but you retain too much innocence, too much trust, too much of an outwardly cheerful attitude.

"Playtime's over" and "fairest of the fair" (a paraphrase of a line from a fairytale) as a motif throughout the song? The use of immature euphemisms, jokes, and slang words, like "birds and the bees me" for sex? The choice of pink as her color? The choice of bubblegum pop for her song genre? Yeah. It's all deliberate.

2. Downplaying the facts of the abuse. This is where the biggest misunderstanding of all comes from. People are angry that Howard is singing cheerfully about her abuse, that she never spells it out as such.

There's a reason for that. Many CSA victims don't realize for a long time- maybe even ever- that they were abused. When they do realize this, it tends to be met by downplaying, for any of a list of reasons too long to get into here. In Katherine's case, the most likely explanation based on her behavior is simple denial. She's putting on a happy front as she tries to process the facts of what happened to her. If you listen carefully, you can see the cracks start to appear at the end of the song, but much of this is lost if you listen only to the cast recording- it needs to be watched on stage for the full effect.

The choice of bubblegum pop (also to display her childishness, as noted above- because childishness and happiness/innocence are invariably conflated in media) for the song, the forced, awkward smiles on her face, the use of dirty jokes and double entendres to hide/obscure the facts (another coping mechanism widely used by CSA victims)...

She's downplaying it because she herself is barely able to understand what happened to her, and because the behavior started so early (and in such a "different time" as she notes) that it was formative and normalized for her. We are supposed to see what is happening to her and understand that this is wrong, because the piece relies on our understanding, as a modern society, that this is wrong- something she never would have been given. There were hundreds of factors that made it impossible for her to confront the facts of having been sexually abused. It's a very meta presentation.

3. Issues with attachment and conflation of sex with love. This is another one where explaining the why would require its own essay; suffice it to say that it is very, very common for those who have been sexually abused at a young age. Sometimes it's due to things the perpetrator said as a way to manipulate the victim into believing it was okay.

Katherine repeatedly takes comfort in the idea that even if she isn't okay with the sexual abuse, she feels loved. "Run your fingers through my hair// Tell me, I'm the fairest of the fair"- she is negotiating with herself, telling herself that the wounds to her dignity as a person are worth it as long as she gets the love and affection she is lacking.

She can't conceive of one without the other. If there's love without sex, that means she could have had it all along and been spared the pain. If there's sex without love, that means the men who hurt her didn't love her, which meant all of it happened for nothing. Either would be disastrous to the worldview she's set up as a coping mechanism. They cannot be unlinked.

4. The choreography. Okay, so this isn't her behavior specifically, but it was the only way to group all these things neatly together, and this is another case of the cast recording only telling part of Katherine's story.

Watch the other queens very, very carefully if you get tickets to the show or can find a bootleg, which I am sorry to say most definitely do not exist on YouTube. Searching "Six slime tutorial" is certainly not going to yield results, because no one would ever call a bootleg a "slime tutorial" to avoid getting flagged by the automatic anti-copyright infringement software on YouTube. If you watch this nonexistent video, you will find a progression of touch from the queens in the choreography that mirrors subtle changes in Katherine's body language.

The touches not only symbolizes her abuse, but her level of realization that what happened wasn't okay. Early on, she convinces herself the abuse was a loving relationship, a precocious first boyfriend; the touches are light, happy pats on her shoulder, and she accepts them with a smile. By the end of the song, as Thomas's betrayal sends her spiraling, she is nearly in tears. The other queens are increasingly persistent in touching her, and it's no longer just her shoulders; it's all over her arms, middle, and legs. She is visibly distressed, trying to shake them off to no avail, before she finally surrenders (and you can see the moment if you watch her face) and lets them do it.

The choreography, in short, is mirroring the story of her series of abuses. The "boil the frog" descent from okay to despair; the gradual dissolution of her concept of boundaries; her mounting horror at the realization that all along, she was nothing but an object to these men.

It's all deliberate and paints a much clearer picture than the song itself. It's also completely lost if you listen to the cast album only.

5. The reoccurring nature of the abuse. No one ever seems to have the heart to bring up one particularly depressing fact with childhood abuse victims- they're infinitely more likely to be abused again later. There's a lot of reasons for it; the shortest (albeit overly simplified) explanation is that there's a subconscious recognition of dynamics on the part of both perpetrator and victim that leads them to seek each other out, the perpetrator wanting an 'easy target' and the victim going along with what is already familiar to them. (This should NOT be mistaken as any kind of victim-blaming statement; this is not saying they have any complicity in their own subsequent abuses.)

Katherine Howard bounces from abusive relationship to abusive relationship because, quite simply, she doesn't know anything else. She doesn't know what a healthy and loving relationship looks like.

6. The internalization of victim-blaming narratives. Katherine has tons of little tells that she internalized a lot of blame. "I was 13, going on 30"- blaming her own precociousness for the abuse. "He invited me to be his little piece of ass...istant" said like a funny joke, but also... not a joke, because on some level she thinks that's all she is. Further, victims of abuse are also known to internalize phrases said to them by their attackers and repeat those verbally; while not confirmed, several of her lines seem like things she was told by the men who abused her at various times.

7. Trusting too much. Victims of CSA do... almost everything in extremes. Trust is one of them. There really isn't a lot of middle ground, there isn't a healthy amount of moderation. So, in the case of trust?

You either get a "trust no bitch, I wouldn't seek help if my toe fell off" type, or a "okay, he is wearing a costume made of literal red flags, but this time he's different, honest!" outlook. No in between.

"I think this time is different" is something CSA victims in the latter camp say a lot. If you don't start to detest everyone, you overcompensate by telling yourself everyone must be wonderful, no one else would ever, ever do what those guys did. And then they do... again.

"Why did I think he'd be different?" is what happens after one too many "I think this time is different"s.

8. The desperation for platonic companionship. This one, of course, isn't in any way exclusive to CSA victims, just like childishness or being too trusting. But in the greater picture of Katherine's characterization? Yeah.

She has so much to offer. She's intelligent, a fast learner, a great musician, funny, and (facade put on for the fake contest aside) quite sweet. She wants to be seen as a human being just once. But none of them ever do. She's only ever sex to these men, and only will be sex. And you can see the realization hit her as she sings about Thomas, leading to...

9. The realization. Some CSA victims have 'the realization' in bits and pieces. They learn this thing wasn't okay, and this thing wasn't either, and so on. Others get it all at once. Maybe it's spelled out to them, or maybe they've been lying to themselves that it was okay for so long that the cognitive dissonance collapses all at once.

Katherine had the latter. Suddenly, Thomas's actions- whatever they were- forced her to realize that everything had happened before was never okay.

Compare her first verse, "All you wanna do, baby //Is please me, squeeze me, birds and the bees me//Run your fingers through my hair//Tell me, I'm the fairest of the fair" with "All you wanna do, baby//Squeeze me, don't care if you don't please me//Bite my lip and pull my hair//As you tell me, I'm the fairest of the fair." She recognizes now that there was never any love or tenderness in the actions; rather than her hair being stroked, it's being pulled. She is forced to recognize the harm done to her.

And in the span of a verse, her entire demeanor changes. The choreography, as mentioned above, becomes more invasive and uncomfortable to watch, her body language becomes increasingly desperate, her voice starts to crack and sound desperate.

She gets angry. She's not trying to convince herself she was just a boy-crazy teenager anymore. She realizes what was done to her was wrong, it wasn't fair, and guess what? She has no one to get angry at because she's being beheaded for "promiscuity outside of wedlock" as she said in Ex-Wives.

That anger, by the way? Another very common reaction in traumatized folks of all kinds, including CSA victims.

10. Katherine's idea of a happy ending. Alright, so this one isn't from All You Wanna Do, but it's still important.

"Music man tried it on// And I was like "Bye!"// So I thought "Who needs him?// I can give it a try"// I learned everything// Now all I do is sing// And I'll do that until I die"

There are several things happening here. Firstly- while the other queens link their revisions of their lives to Henry directly, hers starts long before him, with Mannox ("music man"). She realizes how damaging this first instance of abuse was, how much it trapped her in a cycle she couldn't escape from. Henry was only the last in a disastrous domino effect.

Secondly, notice the wish expressed in those lines? "Who needs him// I can give it a try". She wishes she had had some self-esteem. Abusers are notorious for either exploiting victims with low self-esteem, or for deliberately inducing this, because someone who thinks lowly of themselves will often put up with much worse behaviors than others. Further, she's also expressing a wish for the agency she was denied all her childhood- which is another very common sentiment in adult CSA victims.

Thirdly, she's reclaiming her love of music. "Now all I do is sing// And I'll do that until I die." Notice how in All You Wanna Do, after Mannox, she never mentions anything about music as a hobby again? It's all work and 'boys' and her futile searches for platonic friendship. Mannox ruined her love of music, possibly by making it triggering for her. These lines are expressing her desire to take back the thing that brought her the most joy before the string of abusive men she faced. This is a huge step in the recovery process for victims of trauma; it's not universal by any means, but very common for some previously loved thing to be lost due to some kind of association with the trauma. Reclaiming it, finding joy in it again, is a huge part of recovery.

She finds a love of music again, a sense of pride and self-sufficiency, and a group of friends/support system who understand exactly what she's been through in the queens. Out of all the queens except Parr, she finds the companionship of the other queens most important for reclaiming what was taken from her by Henry.

--

Understanding Katherine Howard's abuse is essential, in my opinion, for understanding her arc as a character. And understanding that, in turn, is essential for understanding that Six was never an endorsement or downplaying of her trauma. The only "problem" (and in my opinion, it's not fair to call it a problem like it was a downside) was that it was subtle in a format where viewers don't expect subtlety.

If you have the right lens when you watch it, though, it isn't subtle at all. It jumps out at you. It's an infinitely different experience when you listen to All You Wanna Do as "a fan of Six" versus "a CSA survivor seeing your own story reflected on the stage."

Apologies for the length of this analysis, but having seen some people insist that All You Wanna Do was Moss/Marlow trying to "have their cake and eat it too" with regards to sexual abuse, among other things, I felt compelled to jump in and explain exactly why that is a horribly off-base interpretation. If you look at her story from the perspective of a CSA survivor, everything makes sense, I think.

Honestly fuck cancer. I don’t really know how to process this right now.

“scar, i think we’re soulmates & you’re too busy chasing fairies!”

—

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