Imagine If You (a Neurodivergent) Joined A Band And Then Tried To Keep It Going And Made Mistakes Along

{Words by José Olivarez from Citizen Illegal /@fatimaamerbilal , from even flesh eaters don't want me.}

today a fascist won an election for the first time since 1933. here, in germany.

i don't care if it's just one (out of 16) states. björn höcke is a fascist. a court decided not long ago that it's allowed to call him a nazi. bc he is one. not "far right" or "conservative" - he is a nazi.

here. in germany. and he just won an election.

it hasn't even been 100 years.

i am scared.

08.08.2023

Trying really hard to get in the groove again. The anxiety and dread that comes with my approaching deadlines is not helping in that regard.

Positive things I did today:

kept the duolingo Spanish streak going

cooked a warm meal

went on a walk

literature research for one of my essays

continued reading All Quiet on the Western Front

Hours slept: ~8hrs Screentime: 3hrs Steps taken: ~5.700

learning from the reblogs of that post that there's a lot of people out there under the impression that "kill your darlings" means "kill your characters" and that's the funniest possible interpretation of that phrase

My theory about why we so enthusiastically celebrate the Ides of March here on this tumblr dot com is thus:

This site is full of literary and history nerds.

This site loves to be morbid as fuck.

This site is full of people who are very displeased with current politics and would like to achieve a certain catharsis.

That last one I think is the most important, because I remember the days when celebrating the stabbing of Caesar was just nerd shit, but it picked up more and more steam over the years, and I noticed a sudden massive boom in enthusiasm beginning in 2021, undoubtedly on account of the everything that has happened in the past few years.

~✧°+* 25/100 days of doing better*+°✧~

28.08.2023

I'm thankfully starting to find a good balance between work, chores and free time again and I'm actually making slow but steady progress on my assignments. The only problems whenever I stay at my parents house are that I don't sleep or eat as well as I do at my place. But I'll try to fix that somehow.

Positive things I did today:

did the laundry

went grocery shopping

worked on literature Review for my Hamilton essay

Hours slept:  ~10hrs Screentime: ~4hrs Steps taken: ~800

~✧°+* 6/100 days of doing better*+°✧~

03.08.2023

A very eventful but also very nice day! Sadly tho, despite spending quite some time working, I made very little progress on things :') The paper I have to write is for a class on astronomy and the heavens in early modern literature nad it's proven super hard to find a topic that provides me with enough secondary reading... I alos have to admit that I am not the best at working with poetry. I am a prose girlie, a short story girly, perhaps a drama girly. But the topic I am leaning towards at the moment is in relation to a poem we've read... I'm hoping to make a decission on that soon :/

I've also really been loving All Quiet on the Western Front. My friend pointed out how much this book is not a light hearted summer read and - well - they're right. But it's keeping me engaged and excited to read, so I won't complain!

Positive things I did today:

kept the duolingo Spanish streak going

had a study date at the library

read in the morning and in the evening

got coffee with a friend

cooked a warm meal

did (part of) the laundry

scheduled a meeting

Hours slept: ~8hrs Screentime: 4hrs 45mins Steps taken: ~7.800

~✧°+* 19/100 days of doing better*+°✧~

18.08.2023

Do you also have those friends that you love dearly and have fun hanging out with, but who you simply can't talk about work with? I have a very strict (and borderline toxic) work ethic in which I have very high expectations towards myself and hold myself to a certain standard I feel like I have to meet in order to be worth something (which is crazy, I realize that). I don't hold other people to those standards, but when I do have conversations about work and academia with people who are a bit more relaxed about it I get incredibly anxious. And something like that happened today, which kind of forced me to take a break from the Hamilton essay because I was freaking out, thinking I wasn't doing enough and too much at the same time. I'm pretty sure I'm on the right track but I still doubt myself a lot when it comes to those things, especially when I am talking to people who are older or in higher semesters.

I tried to drown out the buzzing sound of anxiety with Sims and it honestly worked quite well.

Positive things I did today:

organized my Hamilton sources

took a break when I was feeling stressed

took a walk

continued reading Swimming in the Dark

Had a couble of drinks with friends

Hours slept: ~7hrs Screentime: ~7hrs 30mins Steps taken: ~9.100