Ok Well I Finished I Saw The Tv Glow … For Me I Think What This Movie Depicts So Well Is The Deadness

ok well I finished I saw the tv glow … for me I think what this movie depicts so well is the deadness you feel before you realise you’re trans. like I kind of thought I was a sociopath before I realised I was transgender because I didn’t really feel like I loved my parents that much and I didn’t really feel joy or happiness. I remember someone asked me once what the best day of my life was and I was terrified because I didn’t have an answer, not because my life was miserable but because I could not think of any moment in my life where joy made any sort of lasting impression on me. I didn’t have many friends or cared that much about the ones I had, I forced myself to be in relationships with men I didn’t like, everything was just pure social obligation. there was this membrane between me and reality at all times and I just thought I was insane for most of my life. I keep thinking about Isabel saying, completely deadpan “I even got a family now. I love them more than anything” and you know how fraudulent and horrifying that statement is. and what threads that needle is her revisiting the old tapes and thinking it all just looked cheap and cheesy, she says “I just felt embarrassed” because she’s so thoroughly suppressed her dysphoria that even the thing that led her to recognising it had no colour or feeling in it anymore. the movie is horrifying and idk if I have anything like coherent to say about it but for me the thing that connected with me the most is how monotone so much of Isabel’s life is. Once Maddy/Tara leaves there’s no colour in it anymore