Listen. I Want Everything To Finally Be Over. But I Don't Want The Process. I Don't Want To Be In Between.

You

The night skies tell me to stop wishing about you, and the stars don't shine anymore for me like how you always do.

(eusie.)

get on the midnight train

i./ the ground feels familiar like the ivory colored tiles that greet me first whenever i get home/ like the cold cold cold ivory colored tiles at home that give out the warmest welcome ever because the ones i live with never bother to/ the ground feels gravely familiar like home/ am i home?/ the lights are dead and that’s probably why i smell a faint scent of roses/ the lights are dead but where are their corpses?/ the lights are dead/ am i home?/ the lights are dead; oddly, darkness is all i see/ am i really home?/ the ground feels gravely familiar and oddly, darkness is all i see/ where is the beginning or end of all these things left unsee?/ i reach out to find nothing/ i reach out but end up touching the skin of no one/ i reach out with a heavy breath and shaking hands/ where is everyone?/ am i home?/ i dare to run and nothing hits me, just the faint scent of roses getting stronger and stronger/ i realize the scent is actually of dead roses/ this is not home/ the ground feels gravely familiar and oddly, darkness is all i see/ i reach out with a heavy breath and shaking hands/ the faint scent of dead roses getting stronger and stronger/ this is not home

ii./ where is the beginning or end of all these things left unsee?/ this isn’t light blinding me/ this is darkness harassing my insides, making me me feel like this is something i want/ but this is not/ where is the beginning or end of all these things left unsee?/ why am i the only one here?/ this darkness with its friends, the scent of dead roses and the ground that seems to know my sadness/ this darkness with its friends, the corpses of all things left unsee/ where is the beginning or end of all these things left unsee?/ this is not home/ this is a prison where i am in because of something unknown/ but a murmur says otherwise/ why am i here?/ “because you didn’t go back”/ this is a prison where the beginning or end of all these things left unsee cannot be found/ where everything is gravely familiar but i still can’t put the pieces together/ why am i here?/ “because you didn’t go back”/ this is not home/ this is a prison where the beginning or end of all these things left unsee cannot be found/ and it’s all because i didn’t go back

(eusie.)

Let’s put it like this

a.k.a. I changed ... a couple of times

Your presence can be heard in every shut of the eyes and in every nightmare turned into screaming out of beds while sweating like there had been a storm that poured down on our naked skins on every morning in the month of December. The afternoon radios that sing the saddest of lyrics are snowflakes in our noses melted into small amount of water that tickle our spines — they are like you. You numb the tears out our of hearts and hold our cells and wrap us in ice, not to slowly constrain the happiness hiding in our bones to conquer our veins, but to carve us into like you, to become sadder and colder, and to become a blizzard.

(eusie.)

moved on to another universe wish upon the stars to have me back

i & you could, a.k.a. “hence, pt. 2” (eusie.)

“I know pretty much what I like and dislike; but please, don’t ask me who I am.” - Sylvia Plath, The Unabridged Journals of Sylvia Plath

Hello, it isn’t me.

I don’t know when I started to feel the coldness of my bed. But these sheets beat me when it comes to the realization of the absence of your warmth. It took me days to understand that you won’t march back in with all the stars in your eyes. I never tried to open the lights after the day you stormed out, for I don’t know if I can stand to not see your shadows moving in to hug me from behind. Or to sneak downstairs at dawn just to let me wake up to the smell of pancakes or macaroons. I left the kitchen sink on, just so I’m not the only one who continuously fill one’s self with wasted tears. The house is a mess just as I am. Everything is flooded with our memories, and I feel like I was blinded by the smell of your breath every time you mention my name.

I guess, I just really miss you. But I won’t admit it yet.

(eusie.)

Fourier Series: An Almost-a-year Version

a.k.a. A Series of THIS IS FOR YOU’s

[11162013] Wow. Even the wind whispers your name.

[12012013] Sometimes, when I remember that you would never love me again, I remember to love you in silence.

[01192014] And so I wrote about you while half of my heart was aching.

[02262014] I asked yo to paint me once, but you chopped me into rhymes instead.

[03312014] I should have prepared myself for this. Now you’re stuck between my heartstrings.

[05202014] And I imagine that I can hug the moon, just as I imagine that I can hug you.

[05302014] You look at me and I swear, I almost felt your eyes bleed.

[06092014] I look at you and I swear, I almost felt the monster inside of me falling for you again.

[06172014] Please know that across the room, with 50 pairs of eyes, it’s still yours that I would want to stare at.

[07092014] I try to plaster your smile on my face just so I can fairly say that your smile is still mine.

[07172014] I’m still in love with you but I bet you don’t want me to be.

[07182014] And you’re not in love with me anymore because you don’t want yourself to be.

[09202014] When will I realize that sometimes, love is never having the one you want?

[11012014] Today is the day you died inside my heart. Hopefully.

(eusie.)

i'm scared to be scarred again. give me a little bit more time

N.J.R.

please don't be another mistake. or another regret. or another memory i would want to erase.

(eusie.)

POCKET DIARY 2012

An entry

It can only take a second      for lingering feelings      to slip into      your heart again

Just like how a flower      can bloom again      in a garden      you left to wither

— "14", y.g.

(eusie.)