Why I Stopped Writing...

Don’t even think about it

The two of them are on top of the world, and with only a little bit more, they’ll be on the edge. No one else knows where they are. Instead, the music circulating on their veins take them away from the fact that she is with him. No one else knows that the town will forever be dripped in red starting from that night. No one else knows.

She looks at him though, as if he created the universe with his smile. Her ribcage breaks from how fast her heart beats. It is chaos to be in love with him, but she doesn’t know it yet. Tick tock — Her breathing halts  — tick tock  — after he sings her name  — tick tock  — and she thinks her whole existence will rupture —  tick tock  — with the sound of his voice. She barely hears someone screaming at the strike of midnight. And with another tick of the clock, her mind becomes a black hole.

He knows he has this effect on her, of course, and his soul rejoices with it. But does he put his lips on hers? No. Instead, he caresses her fingers slowly and softly. Then he whispers, “Like waves crashing on your shores.” He reaches for her neck, and he sucks in her smell. “Like a storm coming your way,” he continues. Then as his nose ventures from her jawline to her cheeks, he goes, “Like a gun sketching on your face.”

The night appears to be calm. Both of them appear to be calm. She appears to be calm. But —

The night feels flustered. Both of them feel aroused. She feels dizzy. And he feels victorious. He starts —

He tells her she is a treasure chest that shouldn’t be hidden from the world. So he opens her up like her insides are gold. She feels like glowing. He kisses her curves in between like knives cutting through skin. It’s a ticklish feeling, she thinks, as a satisfying warmth flows down to her stomach. He pulls her out. And if she was struggling to breathe ever since he kissed her skin, she struggles more so as her lungs die from his touch. But she still feels like glowing, as if she is the sun. She is the sun to his universe.

This time, he finally he kisses her lips as his fingers linger on her cheeks. She notes to herself that he tastes painfully delicious. He looks down on her and she blushes. She covers her heart, embarrassed that maybe he can see his own name on it. But he can see it, and so he travels in between her heartstrings, planting his teeth. He smiles at her after, and her heart stops right there. But she manages to kiss him, and she gets dizzy again. She feels him punching something, but she calls out to the universe. Her moaning harmonizes with the night’s melodies.

And then, “I’m in love with you,” comes out from her abused and wet lips as it reddens more than a red sea. “I’m in love with death,” comes out from his as he horribly presses hers together. “Then I am too,” she continues, but her words disappear with the wind’s cries.

Tick tock — There is silence, then a couple more exchange of murmured words — Tick tock.

The two of them are on top of the world, and after crawling gracefully on this starless night, she finds herself on the edge. And she falls down. No one hears her groaning as she lands on the scattered stars on the ground. No one even notices. Until everyone does. But no one knows what happened. No one.

Six hours later. Six days then. Six weeks after. No one still knows. And no one knows that someone knows. That he knows.

He remembers their last words. He remembers his heart dancing on fire. “Don’t mention it,” he says after she thanks him. He remembers her eyes bleeding and burning. “Won’t even think about it,” she says before she closes her eyes.

No one else still knows what happened that night. No one even notices his murderous eyes prying on everyone who asks him about her. Because, no one will ever admit it, but everyone is probably in love with him too. So no one else questions when he answers, “It’s suicide.”

(           k & eusie.)

A little bit messy but it’s true

a.k.a. A Simple ‘How I Met You’

The floor made a sound to my feet’s kisses as I hurried through the quiet hallway.

                      There were whispers breaking out from these thin walls,                       and I felt my ears bleeding.

One second after reaching the corner, a pair of ocean blue eyes drowned me.

                      There was a series of a beat of drums,                       and then it felt as if it was raining.

Maybe his breathing hitched, and if it was my imagination that his eyes suddenly were burning like an ember,

                      I would never know.

No words were exchanged between us. But I felt like dancing to the music radiating from his sun-kissed skin.

                      That’s when I realized I was in trouble.

(eusie.)

November 12, 2013

a.k.a. A Haiku

Like a daffodil, he’s my life’s greatest mistake — the best misfortune.

(eusie.)

Never say never

There is a spot on the ceiling of my room that resembles the scar you have on your right arm, and lately, it became one of the things I forbid myself to look at every time I sleep at night. Just like the paintings you once gave to me that even if most of them were portraits of me, I put them away. Because I couldn’t look at myself smiling knowing you were the reason. And through every one of it that I see, I could hear your voice saying my name. (I don’t know if I am crazy enough to encounter these, but I guess I still love you the same.)

I remember that day you said you would never leave. It was the middle of autumn when everything was tinted orange and leaves kept on falling. Your smile was so bright and your eyes were full of promises I thought you would fulfill. But I swear you were like the sunset to every tiring day that I have had. You were beautiful as it was, beautiful enough to make me cry because I had you. And beautiful enough to make me cry because I lost you, for I believed in what you said that you were never going to walk away. It was when the sun began to meet the moon that one winter night. You held me closer to your broad chest. I felt your warmth beneath me, and your heartbeat lulled me to sleep with a smile on my face. Your breath roaming around my hair was nevertheless one of the many things I have always cherished. And the silence and the space between our bodies were probably one of the best things that I’ll remember even they were just in-between’s or nothing to you.

I kept on holding on to that time between the summer solstice when you said that you’ll never let me go. You hoisted me on your back, and placed my thighs on the sides of your waist. But you couldn’t bear my weight so we crashed down on the sand and we kept on laughing until we have to catch our breaths. (Sigh.)

Maybe, I shouldn’t have eaten everything that was in front of me just because I thought it was all good. Or just because I thought it’ll last forever inside our hearts as we’ll hold on to every moment we have had every day to keep us alive. But how could I have known, right? Yet, I wish you could’ve just said the truth, because to be honest, when you said you were never going to leave, you were never going to walk away, or you were never going let me go, I think that you never really meant any of them. I realized it just now.

Because I believed you said you loved me but then you just said you never did. And how I wish I could say to you personally that you should never use the word “never” if you know that what you will always mean is the otherwise. 

( chloe.  & eusie. )

Run before everything around you starts to ignite —  no, stop and take the match before it turns into fire.

January 18, 2014 (eusie.)

The next morning, they meander along the coastal trail for an hour or so. When the sun begins to rise, they stop to look over the water. [He] stands by the edge of the cliff, facing the sea. He — finally feeling the fatigue of the miles and the hours — is sitting with his back against a large rock.

The sunrise is a little more than a finger-smudge of pale blue, glimmering in the dark sky, but then it slowly brightens into a wide beacon of gold, like a snitch hovering on the horizon. And at last, it casts the first rays of brilliant light over the waves, outlining [him] sharply against the sky.

He stares at [his] silhouette for a long time, and it's only when [he] turns [his] head to gaze into the sun that he realises he's trying to pinpoint the exact moment he fell in love with [him].

It's a terrifying feeling. It's easy to lust after someone, to match their face to a missed heartbeat or a sharp intake of breath. It's easy to say, I want them because of the colour of their eyes, the lines of their body.

It's something else entirely to say, I want them because of the way they rest their hands on a steering wheel, the way they gaze out a window, the way they say my name.

— eleventy7, “Running on Air” (An excerpt)

Old ones

Four years, and (almost probably) four months           — later,          used to be clear, now just more than a blur;          twitching every time these eyes are caught,          too many stories etched, and not even told;          hushed pleas are not pleas at all, so why?;          loading bullets to a gun, waiting for the blow,          of a mention of a name, of anything at all…;

Muffled screams inside these (five) throats          — saying,          old ones sure are gold, but old ones rust;          bombs threatening to fall, each close distance,          when will they decide to bury these bones?;

But, so far (it’s alright), it’s alright

(eusie.)

trying to write a poem. or even a story. but shit

I say to him, "I want your sparkly eyes each time you say love me. I hope it won't disappear." He responds with his eyes crinkling at its end, "It won't." After a while, he asks, "Why? Did you do something wrong?" I grin at him. "I fell in love with someone else." He looks at me, and I can see his eyes sparkling, "Huh, okay."

He thought it was a joke, a.k.a. “One day, in November” (eusie.)

“You look at him like the story of Icarus is a lesson you’re never gonna learn. Oh, but maybe some things were just meant to burn.”

— like he’s the ocean and it’s a goddamn shame that you never learnt to swim | via p.d