[ENG] Begins ≠ Youth (all Episodes)

“𝘭𝘰𝘤𝘬𝘦𝘥 𝘪𝘯 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘮𝘦𝘮𝘰𝘳𝘺 𝘸𝘪𝘵𝘩𝘰𝘶𝘵 𝘣𝘦𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦 𝘵𝘰 𝘭𝘦𝘵 𝘨𝘰”

— 𝙝𝙮𝙮𝙝 𝙟𝙞𝙢𝙞𝙣 𝙭 𝙡𝙚𝙖𝙫𝙞𝙣𝙜 𝙩𝙤𝙣𝙞𝙜𝙝𝙩 / 𝙩𝙝𝙚 𝙣𝙚𝙞𝙜𝙝𝙗𝙤𝙪𝙧𝙝𝙤𝙤𝙙

hyyh x already gone (unreleased) / harry styles

It’s so interesting to compare Haru’s and Jooan’s characters as someone who hears things that aren’t really there vs. someone who can’t hear things that are (out of one ear albeit).

It makes for such an interesting comparison between their characters. Haru who believes things that aren’t real vs. Jooan who (symbolically) turns a deaf ear to what’s real but he doesn’t want to believe. Haru who cannot decipher hallucination from reality vs. Jooan who won’t accept reality.

And although they are contrasted in such a way, they both have a fabricated reality which is less painful.

You have Haru who has no outlet for his trauma, isn’t allowed to talk about it, and has to constantly lie to his best friends. Then, you have Jooan who wants to believe things will be okay with his father, things will get better and he won’t have to leave. Jooan who wants so desperately to believe it is just bad luck he’s deaf in his left ear and it isn’t his father’s fault.

Reality for Haru is twisted so he has someone he can talk to, someone he finally does not have to lie to. Jooan twists his own reality by ignoring the truth for something less painful.

This is only makes Jooan’s outrage at Haru’s believing in a friend that doesn’t exist all the more interesting to me since he essentially does the same thing. They both believe in lies.

One of the things that the drama did was reveal an incredibly important part of hyyh vmon's dynamic that has always been there but I just didn't get before.

We know that Tae looks up to Joon as an older brother figure that he can rely on, and that Joon takes this responsibility very seriously despite being so young himself. What used to confuse me before was that Tae's safety was his responsibility, but Joon never stopped him from doing those illegal activities. In fact, he would join him.

In every one of the hyyh pairings, there's a give and take.

Jihope is made of two liars and one is in the hospital room pretending to be well and the other is there pretending to be sick but among the white walls and hallucinations and fainting and pills they give each other something solid to hold on to, a tether to reality.

Yoonkook is a cycle of addictive self-destruction born from the co-dependency of someone who latches on too obsessively and needs hurt to feel alive, and someone who cries guilt but can't help but hold on to the one person he can hurt again and again but won't disappear no matter how hard he tries.

So what did Joon get from vmon? What was the take part of this give heavy dynamic? I honestly can't believe I didn't see it before.

"Do you know what I hate most about myself? I get used to things, whatever that is. I give up and don't even fight on- no... I don't even want to fight."

Joon who is only 16 but is the breadwinner of his family, who works and works and works to support all the people who rely on him, whose worth is determined by his reliability and even temper and maturity in every situation. The first to forgive, the hardest to anger, doesn't even complain when he locks away the box that contains all his potential and dreams for people who suck him dry and give nothing back.

"I see you pouring out your anger and I get vicarious pleasure. After that, I grill you not to do that and even rationalise to myself that I'm right. That's who I am. I'm a despicable coward - so who am I to console others!? How could I understand other people!?"

I forget sometimes that Tae is older than Jungkook when he represents the clinging to youth aspect so well. He's loud, he's brash and angry and kind and rough and empathetic and raw around the edges in all the ways a child is allowed to be. Joon doesn't get that, he's not allowed that. So he lives through Tae, lets him pour out all the emotion and the thoughts he doesn't let himself say.

That scene at the container after it was set on fire breaks me because it represents this so well. He was almost murdered and he stands there silently while Tae yells at Jin all the things he doesn't let himself feel enough to say. It's like Tae is talking for him in that moment, straight from his heart, and that's what he gets from it. That night only one of them watched his home go up in flames at the hands of people he holds not an ounce of power to, knowing that they expected him to burn along with it. There are three people there in the aftermath and it is only him that doesn't cry. That just smiles and thanks Jin for the warning and tells them to go to bed.

I want to scream. How did Dogeun end up being the character I felt the most physical hurt for. How is his apparent normalcy the most tragic thing in a show littered with suicide and murder and mental illness. Agh.

You will forget me...

𝙝𝙮𝙮𝙝 𝙭 𝙗𝙚𝙜𝙞𝙣𝙨 𝙮𝙤𝙪𝙩𝙝 𝙭 𝙧𝙞𝙘𝙠’𝙨 𝙥𝙞𝙖𝙣𝙤

this is purely self indulgent.

i present to you MY shaylas 🤭

begins youth is absolutely everything younger me could have wished for. its scratching the hyyh itch so well that its leaving me elated. sure, some things are different. sure, bighit messed with the release logistics. honestly? i cant care.

jin is here and he's carrying the pressure of the adult world and his found family. joon's here and he's throwing a protective arm over tae's shoulders like they aren't tired from 16 hours of work. jimin's dealing with demons that are straight out of psychological horror movies and his empty eyes when he smiles might be the biggest offender. hobi with his absolutely insanely human condition about the things he did to get love and attention and that conversation about tools for survival. tae who is the most hyyh of them all, balancing that knife's edge of innocent childishness and genetic violence, standing like he isn't a ticking time bomb.

jungkook, the youngest, who found a family and latched on too hard. who everyone worries will be corrupted, who has never quite fit in right, who smiles as he says words that belong to experiences much older than him. yoongi who has never been just the angst, the emotionless bastard. who has always shed that for his friends, thinking nothing of high falsettos and ridiculous cheers for their smiles. who silently protects and is loyal to the end. who is afraid of letting it be known, so that they can't expect him to stay, be someone worth staying for, because he wasn't enough for her and he'll never be enough for them. the roof of a building and the flickering of a flame.

agh. its so good. i feel so vindicated. this mattered to me, and whoever worked on this, it mattered to them too. the actors clearly studied and respected their roles, the characterisation stays true to them despite the source material being so easy to retcon. there's so much care and authenticity to what hyyh was back then. its still here, we never moved on, and they haven't either. thank god. i never said goodbye.

park haru x snap back / twenty one pilots