Educate Me Tumblr

i know some naughty words that will really knock your socks off

so. my wife came downstairs just as i took a bite out of the remaining half red onion on the counter. literally within seconds of just getting away with it. i looked at her, and she looked at me, and we both sat there a moment, all frozen, beforeshe said babs, what the fuck. i tried to say i can explain but it came out as or corn explorn because such was the onion in my mouth that there was no room for words. its honestly a miracle that she understood me at all. at least, i'm assuming that she understood me because she did let me get my bearings for a few moments. a smarter man would've used that time to think up a good lie, but instead i just chewed as fast as i could because i knew i was gonna have to tell a whopper and i really wanted to be able to use big words again.

big words are instrumental to telling a whopper.

anyway, i totally ran out of time. i barely got my first swallow of onion in before she said well?, and i did at least have an empty mouth to match my empty head. but also i had no lies. so i looked her dead in the face, opened my mouth and waited, every bit as curious as her, to hear what excuse my mouth was gonna come up with.

im pregnant, said my mouth.

great job, mouth, said my brain.

mmmmm onion, said my mouth.

better you than me, said my wife. then she went upstairs. it has been two hours she still refuses to kiss me. im devastated. im shook. im crying a little, i think.

(but that might just be the onion.)

story prompt: December is halfway over. You have made a 50,000 USD bet with your Fabulously Wealthy Swedish Friend From Boarding School that the Gävle Goat will burn down before the New Year. After weighing the financial risks, you google “molotov cocktail recipe” and buy a last-minute plane ticket to Sweden.

Favorite bird genre has got to be 'that's literally just a dinosaur'

Groove-Billed Ani

Hoatzin

Pheasant Coucal

Trying out screenprinting

Hi this is absolutely killing me, could someone please point me in the direction of that video of the guy in like a train station who’s pretending to be a street preacher but he’s reading the Very Hungry Caterpillar like it’s the book of Genesis

should i eat first or shower first *has phone in couch time for another 3 hours due to choice procrastination, a behavioral phenomenon observed in pigeons and rats as well*

As a dungeon master some of my favoured ways to mess with my players includes :

-Rolling dice at random for no reason at all.

-Comppletly isles magic items.

-Having them make completely unrelated skill checks for the task they wish to complete.

-having the most arbitrary ruler to how the physics of the universe works.

my bestie forever 🥹 happy birthday lil guy

(not my art, created by jbee34 )

Love when my cat wants to cuddle and decides polite asking time is over. Like oh hi little man how’re you doing and then he flops his whole body onto my chest???? This is the best. You’re so right my computer doesn’t in fact matter, those emails can wait ur so correct it is cuddle time above all else. Thanks little man. Fantastic. He has his little head on my big human heart rn this is incredible whoever invented cats needs a raise double their salary right now