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i can’t message u. i know i can’t. but i want to apologize. so here goes nothing bc u will never see this but i will never get the chance to take accountability with u unless i do this.

i know a simple “i’m sorry” won’t cut it. i’ve done too much damage for that. my mind is kinda scrambled rn cause i’ve had a Rough week but i’m just going to go through a list of the things i need to apologize for and things that i am genuinely sorry that i did. to start, i’m sorry for always talking down to u. whether it was serious or not, i always had a knack for making myself feel superior. i did it so often. we’d get into a disagreement and i always felt the need to put you down. i’m sorry.

i’m sorry for isolating you from your friends and family. i never should’ve felt the need to fight for your love. that’s not how that works. it was incredibly abusive and i’m sure i don’t even know half of the damage it caused you and your loved ones. your mom, sisters, friends, i felt threatened by all of them and for some reason decided to pull you closer towards me to prove i was better than them. i’m sorry.

i’m sorry for harassing zelda for months. you were always the one to put out the fires between us (the ones i caused), and that wasn’t fair to either of you. i’m sorry for commenting on them and their life and their body and worse, lying to cover it up and act like you and them were crazy. i’m sorry.

i’m sorry for harassing you for months. i’m sorry i played you out to be some sort of evil villain when all you wanted was love. i’m sorry for threatening you. i’m sorry for repeatedly lying to you over things when it would’ve been so much easier to just tell the truth. i’m sorry for joking about trauma that was not mine to joke about. i’m sorry for commenting on your life or body or whatever i felt the need to to put myself above you. i’m so sorry.

i’m sorry for still feeling like i need to talk to you. i’m sorry for messaging you at all. i need to let you go so you can finally be free of me. i’m sorry for being so incredibly selfish that i feel the need to cope in ways that hurt you. i’m sorry.

i’m sorry for lying to you just so i could have your attention. i’m sorry i didn’t choose healthier ways to express my needs. i’m sorry for destroying your trust. i’m sorry for doing everything i said i wouldn’t. i’m so so sorry.

i’m sorry for begging for your forgiveness just to kick you down again. i’m sorry i used mental illness as an excuse to treat you like that. i’m sorry i never listened other than when i was an inch away from losing you.

i’m sorry for taking you from the happiest time of your life to an inch from death. i’m sorry i never took you seriously. i’m sorry i took you for granted. i’m sorry i only showed i wanted you when you weren’t mine to want anymore. i’m sorry i never believed in you. i’m sorry for all the trauma i’ve caused. i’m sorry.

if there’s anything i can do, please. please tell me. if not, know that this is all from the heart i once had. i love how beautiful your soul is, even after everything.

pov ur dating ur best friend and they mean the fucking world to u and u don’t know how to tell them so u just repeatedly say “i love u” and hope they get the message

wait no i just dissociated for like a day i can’t stop crying now 🤪

i want to feel something but i am feeling nothing at all. my head feels too quiet and my brain feels too empty. i wonder if i am as broken as the glass that litters the streets.

was supposed to rant to piano and then got spooked so i will be emo over here in hopes it is not seen bc spooky x2

being back in my hometown is hard. i knew it would be. i told you so i wouldn’t bother you with it when it hit me. somehow i still feel burdensome when i get upset and am scared to talk about it because most of it is stupid anyway. the last time i was here i was so lost. you know that. i really didn’t have much. a lot has changed obviously but seeing the same things gives me the same feelings. before that, i was here for the start of the downfall. memories are everywhere. with that comes feelings.

i don’t know how to describe the thing going on with z emotionally. im not their biggest fan at the moment but its not like i want anything bad to happen between the two of you. even if i hated them i wouldn’t hope for that because i know how hard it would be on you. four years ago i was in the same place hating them. wanting them gone more than anything. jealous that they got your attention for even a second. even if i don’t want that now i still get the anger that comes with it.

it’s not even really anger towards them. im not angry at anyone but myself. my chest hurts every time i remember i wasn’t enough and likely never will be. not in a “oh let’s be monogamous” way because i don’t want that. more like “i am so lacking and am constantly reminded of that fact”. i’ve worked so hard to change who i am. why am i back where i started? i haven’t felt this unstable in months.

these are the best days of my life and somehow i feel more alone than i have in years. i don’t know how to explain it. we’re always talking. i guess with my work and your sleep and general depression on both sides and everything else going on it’s hard to just have a full day with you. there’s always some interruption. even when we do call we both do our own thing until you fall asleep. and then it disconnects before i do. and then the day is over and it feels wasted. you were talking the other day about being scared i was going to get bored of you. i worry you’ll think the same of me. im not exactly giving you anything you can’t get elsewhere.

im stressed about money and visas and school and just making it to next year or next month or next week or tomorrow. this is so hard to do alone. i know i have you, but i am physically alone. even just waking up next to you would take all of this away. im so tired of everything and just want it to be over already. i want to be there and not have to worry about all this. i want everything to fix itself. im tired of fixing everything myself. i usually make more of mess of it first anyway.

i’ve thought about writing about it. i don’t even know what i would say. “im in the best situation ive ever been in and somehow im crumbling more than ever”? “at least when i was a bad person i didn’t care about any of this”? “im a big whiny baby about everything because nothing is perfect enough for me boo who life is hard”? pretty shitty bars.

i know i have you but i can’t stop myself from wondering for how long.

me vs spiraling from fear of abandonment after silence following an argument like peter u are going to die doing this ur gonna die in that stupid costume

i guess you were right. this is a bit of a diary for me.

so, you found me. i’m working on music. it’s the only way i can ease my nerves.

if someone had told me a week ago i’d hear from you i would’ve laughed in their face. one of my old friends messaged me as well. we ended on not great terms, but we’ve made up. i wonder if this is good?

i’m living back in orlando now. i’m starting a camming company with brian. you don’t know him. basically the idea is a safe space for sex workers without the exploitation. i’m excited about it. it’s a little weird, but i enjoy sex work as long as it’s safe.

this day is dragging by. everytime i remember the call my stomach twists up. i’m very anxious. i’m grateful to anna for offering to be there with me and i’m more grateful you agreed to let her. she’s in just as much of a frenzy as i am right now.

i can’t think of much anything else to say right now. i think i’ll keep posting on here just with general life updates. you obviously aren’t required to read them, but it’s nice to have a place to talk about my life and sort my head out.

it’s strange. i’ve never looked forward to say goodbye to someone. i used to want to hold onto them until my nails broke their skin. now i understand my life is mine to live, it doesn’t matter who’s in it as long as it’s genuine and honest.

i hope you’re taking care of yourself. i hope you’re doing well. i hope you’re happy.

you ever just wake up so fucking horny for food you’re like mmmmmmm toasty beans and soup

idk man this is the only social media that i have no ties to anyone on and i just need to vent/rant/ whatever bc the unsent project only allows 100 characters and i have so many emotions that i will get lectured at if i post somewhere ppl will see it.

i am fine. not happy. not good. just fine.

i miss a life that i never had. something i have learned over the years ive been alone is how much i love to run. anytime anything in my life gets hard i do whatever i can to run away from it. ill change my name, hair, style, house, friends, ANYTHING to forget that version of myself and that time of my life. i have never had a strong sense of self, i dont know who i am or what i stand for. its funny, my mother may have been wrong about so much but she was right about that.

i have done horrible things. everyday when theres a pause in the chaos i remember. i hate it. no matter what i change, the memories remain.

ive gotten better at taking accountability. ive gotten better at just making the right decisions in the first place. what might be the easy choice is rarely ever the right answer. my brain is sick, but other people shouldnt have to suffer because of it.

i started taking my meds regularly again. its not easy and i feel empty but if thats what keeps the people i love safe then ill do it over and over again. i still remember the last message he ever sent me. he really was trying even after everything.

i catch myself missing him often. its not fair; its actually incredibly selfish. things were not good. we were awful together because of me. i wonder if we had met later on, maybe things wouldve been different.

i doubt it. he was my first true love. if it wasnt with him it wouldve been someone else. thats how i know deep down i was the issue all along.

overall im fine. there is nothing special about me. anyone on the street wouldnt give me a second glance. i no longer feel pride in being "brutally honest". ive learned thats nothing but an excuse for being mean. i just dont see the world like i used to. i am not better than anyone else. i dont need to be.

im glad that im working on being better. im just sorry it happened too late. i couldve been so much more.

nostalgia is a funny thing. i am in love with my past. maybe its because in the end ill always be more comfortable in chaos. maybe its because im scared ill forget the things ive truly loved.

i still write about him. not music. its more poetry. music is alive. everything about him is dead now. like ink on parchment.

in the end, i really want him to know he was what changed me. im glad i no longer cringe away from mirrors. im glad i dont see her in my reflection anymore. he always did feel obligated to fix what was broken. i just wish my brokenness didnt cut into him as deep as it did.

i dont love him. i dont hate him. i just want to be free of who i was when i was with him. but thats the price of destruction.

giggle (singular)

i haven’t been this suicidal in a hot minute. i don’t even know how to talk about it. i don’t know how to help myself. im so tired. even if i do talk no one really understands it. maybe if someone could just look into my head and see everything so i dont fuck it up and say the wrong thing. i don’t know what to do or look forward to anymore. i don’t know why it’s so bad. im so used to fighting that i can’t help but do it even when there’s nothing to fight. but im tired of fighting even when i have to. i feel sick and hollow and broken and i dont think anything will change that. not now and not later. part of me wants to just lie in bed and stay there until i rot away. i want it all to be over. i can’t stop thinking and overthinking and making myself sicker. i don’t really know how much longer i have no matter what i do. at least if i choose that ill have some control left. i just want to rest