No But Being Told To Use Your Communication Coping Skills When Talking To Abusive People Is Bullshit.

Abusive parents will still make sure you care about them so much, so your heart hurts when you even think about calling them abusers, they will make themselves seem so important, so clueless about what they’re doing to you, so well-meaning, so emotionally immature, it feels like you’re a bad person to even think of holding them responsible for cruelty. But they never seem to think the same of you.

They don’t think you’re important, or clueless about how you affect them. You, in fact, should just shut up and watch your every move for how it affects them. You never get the benefit of doubt that you maybe meant well when you did something they didn’t like. You have to take responsibility for everything you do, and even for what they do. You don’t get to be emotionally immature, you have to act like an understanding, compassionate, all-giving adult even when you’re a small child. You don’t get to be forgiven for mistakes, you don’t get to be spared of being called horrible names when you’re less than perfect in their eyes. You don’t get the same warmth and care they expect to be given. You don’t get to have space to grow and develop. You don’t get to be important. You only exist to make them feel like good parents, regardless of what awful parents they are. You get to be neglected and dismissed but you are expected to care and acknowledge them immensely.

If they can’t acknowledge that you are a child, who depends on them for care and safety, who is affected by them immensely and that it’s on them to provide you with care and warmth and space, if they can’t give you space to make mistakes, space to grow and develop, if they can’t hold themselves responsible for their own actions towards you - they’re not good parents. And regardless of what they say, you’re not obliged to make them feel all warm and soft inside after they failed you that badly. You don’t owe them credit they never deserved. If they wanted to feel like good parents, maybe they should have put more effort into making sure their child is safe and happy. Maybe they should have tried parenting instead of manipulating you to love them despite what they did to you.

CONTROVERSIAL OPINION ABOUT BISEXUALITY

that purple in the middle is not the right saturation, it doesn't fit with the other two colors and it drives me crazy.

Amen, amen, amen.

For victims of abuse, it’s almost essential to gain ability to stop empathising with our abusers, not only because it’s keeping us trapped in their manipulations, but because we deserve to know that we don’t have to prioritize the feelings of a person who is actively doing harm to us.

Empathy for victims of abuse is almost mandatory, to the point where we’re punished for every moment we’re not displaying extreme and unconditional empathy for the abusers. We can get called out and berated for simply going about our business and not thinking of what the abuser might want of us in the particular second. We get shamed for ‘not knowing better’ and 'failing our role’ if we take a minute to consider our own needs.

When they’re doing their usual play – hurting us, then quickly acting hurt and playing the victim, bringing out their past trauma, crying about how hard they have/had it, how our feelings hurt them, even in the case we don’t fall for it, and refuse to apologize and accept that our feelings are just collateral damage in their personal crusade, we will get attacked immediately for being an emotionless and selfish person. Fail to react empathetic to the abuser’s guilt trip will get us called out for being horrible, for not caring, for being the most vicious demon, the worst person, the most unworthy and ungrateful human being in the world. That kind of thing sticks. We don’t just get over that. It becomes etched in our brains that displaying empathy, even to someone who is walking all over us, is our biggest priority, that showing empathy is the last thing that might protect us against an even bigger outburst, that might help us deserve to not be attacked for our lack of morality. We don’t get to be mad. We don’t get to stand up for ourselves. We have to put up a display of empathy or endure personal attacks that will make us feel like we don’t deserve to live.

To finally be able to cut the empathy and stand up against the abuser, is an act that fights years, maybe decades of brainwashing and conditioning. To not care if the abuser has it bad anymore, means we faced and fought years of trauma, lies, personal attacks, self doubt, self hatred, pain and injustice. Abusers want to take away our ability not to care, not to empathize and not to prioritize them, and seizing that back means seizing ourselves back, existing in a place where our empathy is not mandatory anymore, where we’re not pure compassionate receptacles of trauma anymore. Where empathy isn’t forced and squeezed out of us under the threat of pain. Where our value and personality isn’t dictated by whether we endlessly forgive and accept people who will only continue hurting us and bringing trauma into our life.

It is not a mark of a healthy and normal human being to offer our entire compassion and understanding to a creature who is destroying us in return. If someone proves to be a danger to us, it’s normal to disregard everything except the knowledge that this is a threat, and nothing else to us. To keep away because our well being shouldn’t be put under a fear of a constant threat. We are normal for following our sense of self-preservation and turning away from whatever is damaging us, regardless of how sad or upset this being becomes. We are not to be a collateral damage to someone’s misery or manipulation. Our empathy doesn’t have to be an opening to accept harm. We can save our empathy for those who also feel for us. We’re not bad people if we close up under a threat of abuse, and want to retreat to safety. We’re not evil, cruel or selfish for extending our hearts only to those who also keep ours safe.

US Helplines:

Depression Hotline: 1-630-482-9696

Suicide Hotline: 1-800-784-8433

LifeLine: 1-800-273-8255

Trevor Project: 1-866-488-7386

Sexuality Support: 1-800-246-7743

Eating Disorders Hotline: 1-847-831-3438

Rape and Sexual Assault: 1-800-656-4673

Grief Support: 1-650-321-5272

Runaway: 1-800-843-5200, 1-800-843-5678, 1-800-621-4000

Exhale: After Abortion Hotline/Pro-Voice: 1-866-4394253

Child Abuse: 1-800-422-4453

UK Helplines:

Samaritans (for any problem): 08457909090 e-mail jo@samaritans.org

Childline (for anyone under 18 with any problem): 08001111

Mind infoline (mental health information): 0300 123 3393 e-mail: info@mind.org.uk

Mind legal advice (for people who need mental-health related legal advice): 0300 466 6463 legal@mind.org.uk

b-eat eating disorder support: 0845 634 14 14 (only open Mon-Fri 10.30am-8.30pm and Saturday 1pm-4.30pm) e-mail: help@b-eat.co.uk

b-eat youthline (for under 25’s with eating disorders): 08456347650 (open Mon-Fri 4.30pm - 8.30pm, Saturday 1pm-4.30pm)

Cruse Bereavement Care: 08444779400 e-mail: helpline@cruse.org.uk

Frank (information and advice on drugs): 0800776600

Drinkline: 0800 9178282

Rape Crisis England & Wales: 0808 802 9999 1(open 2 - 2.30pm 7 - 9.30pm) e-mail info@rapecrisis.org.uk

Rape Crisis Scotland: 08088 01 03 02 every day, 6pm to midnight

India Self Harm Hotline: 00 08001006614

India Suicide Helpline: 022-27546669

Kids Help Phone (Canada): 1-800-668-6868

FREE 24/7 suicide hotlines:

Argentina: 54-0223-493-0430

Australia: 13-11-14

Austria: 01-713-3374

Barbados: 429-9999

Belgium: 106

Botswana: 391-1270

Brazil: 21-233-9191

China: 852-2382-0000

(Hong Kong: 2389-2222)

Costa Rica: 606-253-5439

Croatia: 01-4833-888

Cyprus: 357-77-77-72-67

Czech Republic: 222-580-697, 476-701-908

Denmark: 70-201-201

Egypt: 762-1602

Estonia: 6-558-088

Finland: 040-5032199

France: 01-45-39-4000

Germany: 0800-181-0721

Greece: 1018

Guatemala: 502-234-1239

Holland: 0900-0767

Honduras: 504-237-3623

Hungary: 06-80-820-111

Iceland: 44-0-8457-90-90-90

Israel: 09-8892333

Italy: 06-705-4444

Japan: 3-5286-9090

Latvia: 6722-2922, 2772-2292

Malaysia: 03-756-8144

(Singapore: 1-800-221-4444)

Mexico: 525-510-2550

Netherlands: 0900-0767

New Zealand: 4-473-9739

New Guinea: 675-326-0011

Nicaragua: 505-268-6171

Norway: 47-815-33-300

Philippines: 02-896-9191

Poland: 52-70-000

Portugal: 239-72-10-10

Russia: 8-20-222-82-10

Spain: 91-459-00-50

South Africa: 0861-322-322

South Korea: 2-715-8600

Sweden: 031-711-2400

Switzerland: 143

Taiwan: 0800-788-995

Thailand: 02-249-9977

Trinidad and Tobago: 868-645-2800

Ukraine: 0487-327715

(Source)

Today the governor of Texas released an official statement directing Family and Protective Services to investigate families of transgender minors on allegations of child abuse (with the intention of separating trans children from their families). It includes a “duty to report”, directing those who know or suspect the existence of a trans child to report it.

This is not a law, nor is it technically actively enforceable. But it is an official statement by a governor that WILL cause real consequences. It also emerges from all of the OTHER anti-trans legislation in action.

30/50 U.S. states are currently proposing legislation against the existence of trans minors (or sometimes people up to 21 years old).

As a trans person who transitioned as a minor in one of these states, I’ve been fighting against these laws for years with little to no news coverage. I am begging for people to care about this. These laws prohibit access to gender-affirming care, accuse families of trans minors of child abuse, jail doctors, and prohibit trans people from playing in sports. Some of these laws have already passed. Some are going to.

Here is a thread of resources in regards to what is happening in Texas right now.

Here’s a thread of GoFundMes of Texas families of trans children who are trying to move out of the state.

Here is a website where you can track these anti-trans bills in the U.S., see what is happening in your state, and see what action you can take.

Stay safe. Protect and uplift trans youth.

For anyone who believes abuse is normal, inevitable, necessary, good to 'toughen you up' or something you deserved:

There are children out there who were never asked to accept 'tough love' as love. They've been given affection, acknowledgment, gentleness, consideration and care. And they're healthy and happy for it. They're not struggling to feel worthy of having their needs fulfilled. They are not weak, and they do not struggle with feeling weak for having a human need.

There are children out there who have done and said things, much worse than you've said and done, who've been forgiven. Their parents, or caretakers, understood they were kids, and that their intentions were those of a child, and forgave them without punishment, understanding that children need to be safe before being convenient. These children did not end up doing worse things. They grew up knowing compassion and not being scared their actions might bring unimaginable consequences.

There are children raised with a concept of freedom, who could choose their actions without worrying about being inconvenient or punished. There are children whose choices are supported, whose achievements are celebrated, and their chosen life path is lit up by the care and resources their families help provide to them. They don't have to live in secret. They don't have to feel ashamed about what they want. They don't need to do it all alone. They don't life in fear of failure.

There are parents out there who understand their role is to make their child protected and healthy. There are parents who never even thought about hitting their kids. There are parents who will do anything to prevent their child going thru the horrors of violence, aggression, someone lashing out at them, threats or abuse. These children walk the world feeling safer, like they belong, their humanity and feelings protected from harm.

There is a whole world out there that believes no child has deserved any of this harm. Only some people do these things to kids, only some people try to convince kids that these are 'good' things, or deserved things. They are not.

You deserved safety, dignity and grace growing up too. You deserved more than the hollow 'tough love' which was merely an excuse for not giving you the care you deserved. You would have turned out just fine. Abuse wasn't necessary, it wasn't normal, and it didn't help you. And it was avoidable. Nobody ever had to do any of that to you.

Be you but remember 👆

quick dismantle for those who are starting to feel like it’s not worth speaking against narcissistic abuse:

children are being abused by narcissists right now, with no way to find out if there’s no resources being written about it

narcissistic abuse has been found to be so specifically devastating on the human body that even if it’s not physical, it causes long-term physical symptoms (chronic pain, chronic fatigue, inability to sleep regularly, over-active cortisol, over-responsive brain chemicals that give you ptsd symptoms)

there are people organizing forums, writing books, articles, posts, people making videos, checklists and all possible resources for dealing with narcissistic abuse. all of those people are survivors and victims of it. they’re not all making it up. they’re not all doing it for something that doesn’t exist.

dynamics of the narcissistic abuse are so pervasive, a person will usually feel they’re going insane and doubt themselves so hard until they finally find resources on narcissistic abuse, which is going to help them regain their sanity and find sense in what has been happening to them

narcissistic abuse has left millions of people feeling they’re not worthy of attention, care, resources, community, support or trust, and they’re accepting abuse as their normal. we can’t abandon them. we can’t say this is okay and look the other way in order to protect the narcissists.

if you’re worried that speaking out against narcissistic abuse is creating stigma against narcissists, remember that our writings and resources are being spread only among victims and survivors. narcissists are still controlling the mainstream narrative and all articles you look up as a non-survivor will convince you that narcissists are the ‘same as normal people’

for survivors of narcissistic abuse, it’s absolutely vital to avoid future narcissists and to be aware of their tactics. this is not limiting their access to public resources or public people in general, it’s only limiting their success among victims and survivors. ask yourself why would they want access to survivors and victims specifically. why is it so important that to this particular demographic, they look appealing.

narcissists claiming that if we don’t want them to have and abuse children, it’s ‘genocide’, genocide against who? narcissists most often don’t make other narcissists, they’re mostly creating abused kids. so the apparent genocide is against the abused children. they’re accusing us of genocide against ourselves.

narcissists finding abused people taking about abuse and attacking them for ‘smearing their reputation’ is a cover-up and darvo tactics. Only an abuser could turn against an abuse victim to act hurt and police their language instead of feeling rage towards the abuser. Anyone non-abusive would immediately have a problem with a narcissist who did the abuse, not with the victim who speaks out about it.

saying ‘not-all-narcissists’ is still admitting that a lot of them do abuse, and for the sake of their reputation, we have to shut up about it all. shut up. about abusers. to protect reputations. who except an abuser would need that to happen.

other times when they’re claiming no narcissist is abusive, they’re accusing millions of victims to be liars. openly denying experiences of abuse victims only to make themselves look good. we’re going to stand around and allow this?

making one narcissist feel like they don’t belong into safe spaces of victims is not more important than protecting the vulnerable part of the population from narcissistic abuse

abuse victims don’t have to be exposed to anyone who has anything in common with their abuser. we have the right to feel safe at the expense of anyone’s feelings.

Speaking against narcissistic abuse is NOT futile. They’re fighting to shut it off precisely because it’s limiting their access to victims. Every day a victim of narcissistic abuse finds their way to their freedom because there are people who spoke out about it.

Yup.