Good Omens Lockdown Transcript

Good Omens Lockdown Transcript

I realized that I had some time (what some, I have all the time right now) and set up to do a transcript for the new little Good Omens Short, for those who need it.  Here you go!

(Good Omens Theme)

(Phone ringing)

Crowley: What?

Aziraphale: Uh… hello, it’s me!

Crowley: I know it’s you, Aziraphale.

A: Yes, well, I was just calling to see how you were doing in lockdown

C: I’m bored. I’m so very very bored.  Transcendentally bored.  There’s nothing to do here.  I’ve decided, that if I can’t think of anything to do in the next two days, I’m going to have a nap and I’ll set the alarm clock for June.  It’s got to be all over by June, isn’t it?

A: Look if this isn’t a silly question, oughtn’t you to be out and about, doing things?

C: Out and about?  When we’re all meant to be staying home?

A: Well, yes.  You’re a demon, you’ve got a job to do.  Obviously, you’re not actually going to get ill, or even spread a disease, but you could set a bad example.  Get ominously close to people.   Tell everyone there’s a party going on or… something.

C: I… I could do that.  I mean I could.  But if I did… well… people might follow my bad example and get ill.  Or even die.  And I know I ought to be making people’s lives even worse but everyone’s so miserable cooped up anyway I just… don’t have the heart for it.

A: I’m not miserable!

C: Really?  Oh, I suppose you’re off nipping around London doing miracles for people, from a socially approved distance.

A: Oh no, I can’t do that.  We’re all meant to stay at home.  I put up the closed sign on the window and I’ve been catching up on my reading.  Do you know, I’ve never had so few customers, not in 200 years.  Although, there were a few young lads a couple of nights ago, broke in through the back, and tried to steal the cash box.  But they soon saw the error of their ways

C: Did you smite them with your wroth?

A: Well I certainly gave them a good talking to.  And I sent each of them home with cake.

C: Cake.

A: Quite a lot of cake, actually. 

C: I… I’m going to regret asking but… uh

A: Well, all the restaurants and cafes are closed, but it turns out I have a whole cookbook section here in the bookshop.  And I got peckish.  I’ve now made bundt cake, sponge cake, angel’s food cake, four different kinds of sourdough loaf, Schwarzwälder Kirschtorte, although I had to miracle in the cherries.  And then, once I’ve baked them, I have to eat them all myself.  Which was why I was so delighted…

C: To send your burglars home laden with baked goods.  Yes. Yeah, yeah,  I thought…  You know, I could hunker down at your place.  Slither over and watch you eat cake.  I could bring a bottle, a case, of something drinkable.

A: No, I… I… I… I’m afraid that would be breaking all the rules.  Out of the question!  I’ll see you… when… this is over?

C: Right.  Um.. I’m setting the alarm clock for July.  Goodnight Angel.

(Good Omens Theme)

End

minor notes: it looks like Crowley makes up a word about how bored he is so I had to guess at what it might look like (edit: @oabsalom and @duraffinity identified the likely correct word, thank you!), and I had to look up the spelling for one of the cakes Aziraphale made.  I hope this helps everyone!  @fuckyeahgoodomens, this is for that ask you got.