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ignite your bones

After the fall of General Dreykov, and the remnants of the Red Room still at large, Natasha first year at SHIELD is anything but healing. Labeled a traitor and a turncoat, Natasha tries to find her footing in a strange new world.

Whumptober 2024: Day 6 - unhealthy coping mechanisms

Warnings: guns/dissociation/vomiting

Word Count: 2.6k (another long one) (gif not mine)

Summary: Clint leaves Natasha with Maria but trust is not yet won on either side, resulting in some unhealthy coping mechanisms.

As always, comments/likes/reblogs are like crack <3

Maria walks Natasha to therapy, their steps in stride, neither talking and both annoyed.

The second day of their routine had gone just about as well as the first.

With Natasha getting angry in the debrief, unwilling to impart information on Odessa. She stalls the second day as well.

Maria feels frustration at the woman, who promised to give all the information she had in exchange for protection and if warranted, a part in taking down the organisations that brought her up.

Going from debrief to therapy, seemed cruel to Natasha, who was already spent from trying to defend herself in not talking about things that she would prefer only Clint be privy to.

It apparently wasn’t a good enough excuse and she knew it was Maria’s way of lowering her defenses and making her talk.

It had been the threat yesterday and she was following through with it today.

Both women were clearly not budging.

Olivia opens her door to find Natasha’s handcuffs slightly too tight and frowns on both of the women’s faces.

Natasha’s seems more covert, but she has come to know the spy’s tells.

Maria was obvious in her emotions.

“How long?” she asks, not unkindly, looking at her watch.

“Ninety minutes,” Olivia responds, looking up at the time. “Is this time change permanent?”

Maria looks to Natasha. “If she tells us about Odessa, it won’t be.”

Olivia bristles.

Maria can’t quite read the look on her face, but maybe if she were to guess, she’d say it was somewhere between anger and pity.

Maria leaves them, hearing the unmistakable click of handcuffs being removed and wonders if she should stay.

Maria knows she shouldn’t use therapy as a threat, but she felt like she was failing where Clint had succeeded.

The information Natasha had given previously filled in so many gaps in their knowledge, about different FSB projects, even linking them to Hydra and other players in the East.

She didn’t think Natasha even knew her value.

When Clint and Coulson had sent through the information from the new grad, Sharon, she knew Natasha had been in trouble, but she just thought it was low level; nothing life threatening.

She knew now it was.

They now have live feeds of the journey to and from the dungeons. If anyone were to get past the guards, she or Sharon would be alerted and lockdowns issued.

When Coulson and Clint returned they’d be added, and alongside Fury and Thompson, they were the only ones who knew.

It was a lot for someone who was so fresh, but the woman’s truthfulness and fortitude had impressed them, and even Natasha seemed to trust her.

They’d wondered at other protocols, and before Clint had left he’d requested that she’d have a weapon. It was denied, of course, but the option to attend the gun range had held.

Natasha also got to keep the handcuffs, once removed. And though she hadn’t been able to ask Clint before he’d left, she’d also noticed his watch in Natasha’s room, and then on the cameras had noticed Natasha marking time.

Maria sighs.

She doesn’t like being this intimately in charge of someone else.

It wasn’t that she disliked her, she just didn’t trust her.

She needed something to lower her defenses, and Clint had always said that Natasha looked weary after therapy.

The files were sealed of course, of whatever was spoken about, but Olivia was mandated to give over a report on Natasha weekly.

Maria read them with interest.

Clint wouldn’t touch them.

Huffing in annoyance, she leaves the therapist’s office and makes for the cafeteria, realising both she and Natasha have missed lunch.

Clint had said packaged foods were what she preferred, so she picked up two sandwiches and a couple of mandarins.

She eats hers on her way back to her office, then finishes some paperwork before making her way back to the psychiatrist's office.

She waits for Natasha to be released, wondering what her next play will be and just how to make Natasha talk about Odessa, before she has to talk to Fury about it. It’s a puzzle she wants to figure out herself.

The door opens, and Natasha walks out, hands cuffed and face straight.

Maria thinks she should take her back to debrief, but there’s a feeling she can’t place as she looks at the woman.

“Maria,” Olivia asks, “can I talk to you?”

Maria steps into the office, keeping Natasha in eyesight, though sure she won’t go anywhere.

Olivia keeps her voice low.

“Don’t weaponise therapy. It’s not fair to her, it’s not in the nature of what we are trying to do here and should not be used as a threat.”

The disapproval that oozes from the woman’s voice only makes Maria regret her choice minimally.

If it works, she’ll take the woman’s ire, and win.

“It’s not her fault. If you want to know about Odessa, then wait. She will tell you, but it’s not something easy to talk about.”

Maria knows Olivia is just doing her job, but she feels defensive.

She nods, straight faced, and doesn’t respond.

She glances towards Natasha and lets herself out, more determined now to return her to debrief.

Leading the way, she sets the stride long and leads her back to the cells.

Natasha is quiet as she always is.

Maria wonders if she should say something, but annoyance at the situation is overriding.

She almost misses the shake in Natasha’s hands as she uncurls the handcuffs and passes them across.

“We have debrief in two hours,” she tells her, “I’ll be back then.”

Natasha nods.

The door closes over and Maria leaves, returning to her office where she opens Natasha’s cameras.

Surprised to not find her in the small room, Maria turns on the audio and hears vomiting in the bathroom.

Feelings of guilt surprise her.

She realises that she didn’t actually give Natasha any food and wonders if she pushed too hard.

.

Natasha glances at the time

Expecting Maria at any minute, she ignores the hunger that bites and the reoccurring thoughts.

She finds it hard to concentrate and glances at the time again.

Natasha knows they want the details of Odessa.

She just can’t.

She doesn’t trust them with the information.

Not when it intimately affects her.

Dinner arrives but Natasha doesn’t feel hungry.

Maria doesn’t come.

Three hours pass and still no one comes to collect her. It’s past the time Maria said she’d return.

She places herself on the bed, wishing that Clint was back and hating the uncertainty of being here.

Natasha closes her eyes.

If she tells them about Odessa, then they’ll know about the other girls. If they know about the other girls, then likely they’ll go looking. If they go looking before the Red Room subsidiaries are all shut down, the girls will all die.

She knows they’ll fight to the death.

She would have.

She needs more time. She doesn’t trust Maria to hold the intel until other things have cleared.

Maria just wants to know for her own information and because it’s a missing piece of the puzzle.

Natasha swallows bile as memories of her time in Odessa surface.

She remembers stripping in front of Madam.

Shaking her head, she attempts to erase it, feeling nauseous all over again.

Olivia had talked about choices in therapy, letting Natasha just listen.

Natasha knows that she had been irate at Maria’s comment and had lowered expectations.

Olivia asked her about her thoughts on Maria, and Natasha hadn’t been able to answer.

“She doesn’t like me,” Natasha had decided.

The night feels cold, and glancing at the watch, Natasha thinks Maria won’t be coming back.

But she doesn’t want to settle into the bed yet, just in case.

She eyes the handcuffs.

If there was any night for it, it would be this night.

Her defenses feel so low, and she feels so sorry for herself that she grabs them and attaches them to her wrist and the bed.

She pulls tight and lets the images invade her mind.

.

Maria wants to go home.

Yawning, she glances at the time, and realises it’s past the two hours time she had told Natasha.

She opens the program to check on her and when she finds her handcuffed to the end of the bed, she doesn’t know what to make of it.

She seems safe enough.

Deciding to leave it, she packs up the laptop and leaves for her apartment off base.

.

Natasha screams.

Trying desperately to cover it as her surroundings of the glass prison become clear, she swears softly, feeling nauseous.

Images of Odessa plague her and she wants nothing more than to purge them.

Uncuffing herself she stumbles to the bathroom and washes her face.

She can’t shake the nightmare.

She can feel it in her bones.

Natasha finds Clint’s watch, 5am.

She knows the day will be a repeat of the last, and if it’s anything like that she needs more sleep, But the fear of heading into another nightmare gives her pause.

She wishes she had a book or something to do, as she sighs and closes her eyes.

.

Maria stares at the camera.

Natasha screams.

The muted video shows her distress, as she’s pulled from sleep, eyes wide and chest heaving.

She watches as Natasha centers herself, puts herself back into the same position and tries for sleep again.

It seems to take some time.

She fast forwards the video.

Natasha screams.

The handcuffs bite in as she strains against them.

Maria doesn’t understand the handcuffs and she can’t ask Clint, but it feels voyeuristic watching the woman’s distress.

She knows when someone isn’t okay, and Natasha is not okay.

She’s fucked up.

She’s pushed too hard and made a mess of things.

Maria is sure Clint would have told her, would have addressed what to do if he’d noticed any of this, but since he had n’, she has to think the problem was her.

She’s not only increased therapy and put the woman off food, she’s given her unhealthy coping mechanisms and left them in the room with her.

She should have returned and said the debrief wouldn’t go ahead, or let someone tell Natasha on Maria’s behalf.

“Fuck,” she whispers.

She has a brief idea; one which may backfire.

But it’s the only idea she has.

.

Natasha leaves the handcuffs on the bed and glances at the time.

Wrists raw, she breathes intentionally in and out, feeling memories of being handcuffed float over her.

She tries not to let them stay.

Any minute now, she thinks Maria will come for debrief.

She knows she’ll ask about Odessa.

She plans her admittance in her head.

If she can tell her some of the worst things first, maybe, just maybe, they’ll let her go and not ask any more until Clint’s returned.

Natasha rubs her wrists.

She hears the familiar unlocking of the doors and the lights turn on down the hallway.

Natasha stands and waits, watch in her pocket and handcuffs in her hands.

If it’s not Maria, she has a plan, not a great one but at least she can protect herself a little better in this space with hard surfaces and handcuffs.

She waits and hears Maria’s footsteps round the corner.

The glass door opens, and she finds Maria standing in casual clothing.

Natasha doesn’t say anything, her heart beating faster.

“Leave those on the bed, and come with me,” Maria tells her.

It’s the first time Natasha has left the cell without handcuffs and she finds she doesn’t really know what to do with her hands.

She finds herself following Maria into part of the compound she’s never been before, and it feels like a trap.

They head to the left, the doors leading outside and for the first time in months, Natasha breathes fresh air.

The sights and smells and temperature difference so marked that she stops and takes the biggest breath she can.

Maria waits for her, still not talking.

It takes a moment but Natasha moves forward, following her into the unknown.

It’s the sniper range.

“You’ve been cleared,” Maria tells her, and sets them both up with targets and guns.

The process takes time but Natasha revels in the fresh air and quiet of the morning.

“Here.”

The gun lays ready.

“Wind is at 3 degrees.”

Maria takes up her own gun, setting up the sight, and positioning herself for the shot.

Natasha copies her movement.

With the gun in hand, she feels more at ease and the images from the night before begin to disappear.

All that becomes relevant is her breathing and the target in front of her.

She breathes in and out and lines the shot.

Accounting for the wind, she adjusts her angle.

In between breaths, she shoots.

Pausing, she hears Maria do the same.

Looking down her scope, she finds that she’s hit the target, a little to the left but still close enough for a kill shot.

Maria’s shot is almost mirrored.

Natasha is impressed. She’d taken Maria as pencil pusher who had no real world value. She’d assumed she’d been trained by the agency but hadn’t thought her ready for a fight.

“There are 15 shots and we have an hour,” Maria tells her, feeling her gaze.

“We have to be back by then.”

Natasha nods, lining up the next shot, taking her time to get it just right. But Maria is first to hit it.

Natasha suppresses a smile.

This feels like the competition of the Red Room, she thinks to herself.

The hour passes quickly, time only punctuated by the sound of the long range shots.

.

Maria walks Natasha back a different way, wanting to avoid as many people as possible.

The route to the cells feels long, but she thinks Natasha doesn’t mind.

Breakfast is waiting for her when they arrive and Maria waits for Natasha to step through before talking.

“No debrief today. Or therapy,” she announces.

If Natasha is surprised, there’s no change to her facial expression. The general quietness of the woman, except in debrief, is absolute.

She didn’t expect Natasha to talk but sometimes she’d like a response.

She’s sure if she asked for one, like a robot she would give it.

Maria looks her over.

“Can I, uh, can I eat breakfast with you?”

She asks the question without really thinking about it, and it’s only then that surprise forms on Natasha's face. It appears in an instant, then it’s gone in a flash.

Natasha moves to the left, allowing Maria in.

Maria wonders idly if she’s allowing it because she doesn’t feel comfortable saying no.

She steps through the door, allowing it to stay open.

The breakfast tray only holds enough food for Natasha, but she shares anyway, offering the apple and the granola bar.

Maria takes the apple and they sit in a somewhat uncomfortable silence.

Tallying all the things she needs to do for the day, she looks around the room finding nothing.

“Do you want a book?” she asks, wondering how Natasha occupies her time.

She finds that when she’s left with her thoughts the world feels harder. Natasha has had two months of it.

Natasha looks up.

“A book,” Maria repeats. “Do you want one?”

Natasha shrugs and nods.

“Fiction or nonfiction?”

There’s no response. Not that Maria expected one.

“I’ll see what I can find.”

Standing Maria, takes the tray and the rubbish and leaves the rest of the food.

“I’ll see you later,” she says, thinking of her list and leaving Natasha to her own thoughts.

.

<3

Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

Look buddy, i’m just trying to make it to Friday.

EEEEE!! *Flap flap flap*

I’ve noticed lately that it’s often Americans who leave tags like “I don’t even care if it’s made up” on posts I make that are not particularly unbelievable, but are pretty specific to my way of life or corner of the world (like the one about the cheese vendor). It reminds me of that tweet that was circulating, that said Americans have a “medieval peasant scale of worldview”—I mean, if you don’t want to be perceived this way by the rest of the world maybe don’t go around social media saying that if a cultural concept or way of life sounds unfamiliar it must be made up?

It’s the imbalance that’s annoying, because like—when I mentioned having no mobile network around here I had people giving me info about Verizon to fix my problem. I post some rural pic and someone says it must be somewhere in the Midwest because the Southwest doesn’t look like this. My post about my postwoman has thousands of Americans assuming it’s about the USPS. On my post about my architect there’s someone saying “it’s because architecture is an impacted major” and other irrelevant stuff about how architecture is taught in the US. This kind of thing happens so so so often and I’m expected to be familiar with the concepts of Verizon and the Midwest and impacted majors and the USPS and meanwhile I make a post about my daily life and Americans in the notes are debating like “dunno if real. it sounds made up”

Going online for the rest of the world means having to keep in mind an insane amount of hyperspecific trivia about American culture while going online for Americans means having to keep in mind that the rest of the world really exists I guess

I don't know if you're American or not but in my experience as a person who is not American, American events and media are so incredibly loud and visible that they tend to leech into everything.

Like I'm Canadian born and raised and can name more American presidents than I can Canadian Prime Ministers. I have Canadian friends from Canada who can accurately describe themselves as Liberals but are still sorta foggy on NDP policies. Do you know what day Canada Day is? It's July 1st. Do you know what's on my dashboard on July 1st? Early posts about July 4th.

And if you're an American reading this: Or, hell, anyone else reading this: We all know George Washington was the first American President. Do you know who the first Prime Minister of Canada was? Can you name two British political parties? What are two countries that have Monarchies, not Democracies? What was the most recent political scandal you can think of that took place outside the US? What's your favourite TV show that takes place anywhere outside of America? What are your top three favourite non-american musicians? If English is your first language, how many foreign countries can you go to where you don't speak the language, but don't have to worry about it?

I said "International America Day" as a joke, but there is a very real phenomenon in countries outside of the US where the general population becomes Americanized through the prevalent American media.

We know American current events, we know American scandals, we know about American cops and American movies and American accents and American fast food chains. We have serious opinions on the American legal system and we talk about American law and American policy and American celebrities, and many of us don't know Jack Shit about what's going on where we live.

I'm Canadian. I've heard all about 'building the wall' and ICE and June 6th, the intentional government distribution of narcotics in Black communities and the use of Marijuana Illegalization to persecute Black and Mexican people under the Nixon administration.

Do you know what Canada did to Chinese immigrants to build the Canadian railroad? What about the Sterilization Act? Residential Schools? Do you know what a Status Card is? Does it, or does it not cost money to ride in an ambulance? Can people with breasts legally walk around topless? What's the legal drinking age? What are our biggest cities? Who was our least-popular PM? What are our allied nations? Where does the Canadian military get deployed?

"International America Day" was a goof. But Jesus, it's a little bit serious

Happy Friday, friends!

Blatant erasure of overhead projectors.

just because elphaba is gay doesn't mean she's a friend of dorothy. in fact,