Reposting Some Of My Old Drawings [ Last Part ]

First post….Someone hold my hand😔….

ＴＯＮＧＵＥＳ ＆ ＴＥＥＴＨ —

CONTENT WARNING : this fic series will contain DARK content , smut , age gap (reader is mid-late 20s while Nikolai is in his 30s) , probably inaccurate detective work descriptions , and religious themes. this does not follow canon and it is a non ability AU

chapter warnings : suggestive themes (angry sex gets mentioned once) ; firearm

𝐂𝐇𝐀𝐏𝐓𝐄𝐑 𝐎𝐍𝐄 : 𝐖𝐇𝐎 ?

A detective.

That’s what you are.

Or well, that’s what you were. You had left that life behind you, swore on it. You weren’t a terrible detective by any means, quite the opposite. You were notably the smartest detective in your city. Sharp and witty, reliable and smart. That’s what you prided yourself on. But with making bigger shoes, you made yourself nearly look like a clown when you stepped out of them. All it took was one case, one case to make you step down.

And like that, you were out of the game.

With no interest to push yourself forward in your career, you sidelined yourself much to everyone’s dismay. You had people relying on you, people who needed you. But a normal life is what you desired after what felt like an action film that lasted forever. It’s what you deserved.

You didn’t lose all that much like you expected though. People still respected you for what you did, your ex-coworkers still treated you like their own, they still come to you for advice and you gave them your best. You became a mentor for younger detectives, a rowdy but loveable group who wanted to follow your footsteps.

You were content with the life you led. All trauma considered, you’d say you’re doing pretty solid for what you’ve been through going through cases.

You were happy for once, you were content with this domestic life you’ve made for yourself. 

"Someone tells me you’re sick of old games. Let’s play a new one. =)"

You repeated the note left on your window to your ex-work partner, Mikhail, on the phone. Staring at it with furrowed brows, you cursed to yourself. "I quit this shit for a fucking reason." With a groan, you slam yourself back down on the couch. 

"Did you check security cameras?" Mikhail questioned, groaning along with you. He’s been by your side since your guys’ first day together, two peas in a pod. You still remember the days where you were just young rookies together. You guys weren’t Sherlock Holmes and Watson by any means, but some might argue that your dynamic duo could come close.

Your face fell into a deadpanned expression, "You really think I wouldn’t?"

"Hey, I’m just trying to make sure we covered all bases. But knowing you, you probably already did that so I guess it was a stupid question— which is besides the point though." You could tell that he was just at a lost as you are.

"Misha, I wanted to leave this stuff behind me." You said, a little more solemnly than you’d liked to admit. "I thought after I faded out in the system for a bit, things would be okay for me. Sure, we’ve made our enemies—"

"You especially."

"Yes, me especially. But I know that most of them are in prison and the others are respectable enough to do this stuff to my face instead of… whatever the fuck that is. I wanted out."

"And you will be out. One day, I promise you." Mikhail reassures, his usual lighthearted tone softening. "Do you think it could be the same guy from our last case together?" He asks.

And you wished you had an answer. The last case you ever took on as an official detective left you in pieces that you’re still trying to pick up to this day. There were too many missing factors but so many were coming to a horrific realization. There were no hints one moment and then the next, there were. Each step closer you thought you took, set you 10 paces back with little time to catch up. That case had flipped your life upside down and around. Like some sick cycle. 

If it was the same bastard behind that case, you were sure that the old you would’ve jumped at the chance.

But you aren’t the person you were in the past, and you haven’t been for a long time.

Maybe this was exactly what the guy wanted, what they came here for. To wait for things to get calm till they could hit hard again. Or maybe, there was a chance that this note could’ve come from a new, completely different person. Someone who wanted to take out an old big shot to make themselves look even bigger. There was just too many open spaces with a huge gap of no information. It could be anything from anyone.

"I don’t know Misha, with the little to no info right now… it literally could be anyone." You admitted, not trying to even hide the defeat in your voice. Your brain searching, scanning, and recalling for anyone that stood out to you in your life. Someone who would mess with you like this, taunting from afar. It hits you like cold water in the morning. "Oh my god. What if it’s my ex?"

"You think you got yourself caught up in like a weird crazy ex revenge situation? What was the guy’s name again?" Mikhail questioned.

"Nikolai. Nikolai Gogol." You responded, rubbing at your temple. Fuck, if it really was Nikolai…

But that was so long ago, way before your last case. And that relationship was never going to last, the both of you knew that. You wanted different things, you two were different…it wouldn’t have worked out. Maybe he wanted Bonnie and Clyde, turn you away from the so called righteousness and justice that is detective work. Live out a life of crime. You never were aware of what he did for work, you were able to tell it was dangerous. And maybe in another life, he was able make you his Bonnie. 

You made sure that this wasn’t that life.

Thinking back to all the times you’ve spent with him makes your heart has plunge into your stomach. You were aware that he wasn’t the greatest person to date. You said through heated kisses and angry sex that it was just the rush, the thrill of it all in the relationship you had with him that kept you around. Each time he could only laugh in your face. All his talk about freedom definitely added a new perspective to your life, but it was so extreme. 

And oddly enough when you wanted to end it, he was very much less than pleased even though that’s all he’s ever wanted. To be free. He’s a walking contradiction though and he left your life without a trace. You refused to look back.

It wouldn’t make sense to mess up your life now.

….

When did he ever make sense?

"I’ll check in with the database, see what I can scoop up on him." Mikhail attempts to reassure you, though it does little to soothe your thoughts. He never knew about the complexity of your relationship with Nikolai. Just that it was strange. He didn’t know how dangerous he was.

But you weren’t about to tell him right now, not while it felt like someone was watching you. "Okay…"

"Did you ask your neighbors if they saw anything? What about that one neighbor across from you?" Mikhail suggested. "Take a picture of the note and I’ll drop by with some of the team by your place so we can investigate more. Better to not tamper with evidence so just use the picture to show your neighbors."

"Okay, yeah I’ll do that." You agreed, it wasn’t a bad idea. "Thank you Misha."

"I’ll be there in about fifteen. Go chat with your neighbors. Don’t die."

"Trying not to." You chuckled, hanging up the phone. You stood back up from the couch, looking at the window with disdain. The note was still there, staring back at you. Though you knew nothing was confirmed, you tried to find any hints of Nikolai’s presence. The only thing sticking out to you was the smiley, and that wouldn’t be viable evidence of anything. You shook your head, opening the camera app on your phone and snapping a picture. 

Now  that was done and over with. Time to talk to your neighbor.

Your neighbor was a relatively tall and attractive man you would say. You’ve never talked to him before, only seeing him for a brief moment when you walk to your car or when he goes out. Your window allows you a somewhat good view outside. Though you could also say that his appearance did make him stand out too. 

Tossing on a jacket, you hoped your neighbor wouldn’t judge too hard if you were in your pajamas. It was still early in the morning when you woke up to that note. 

You bite your tongue, you shouldn’t leave the house unarmed. Taking a quick trip back to your room, you put on your belt that you wear to do your mentor work. The one that’s meant to hold your firearm. You grab your gun in your drawer to put in your holster.

You opened the door, shivering a bit as the cool air hits your skin and hugged yourself tighter. Whoever put that note there must be really motivated to mess with you because who on earth would put a stupid note on a window when it’s this cold?

Taking a couple of steps towards his door, you placed a firm knock. You really hoped he was here. It would be an even shittier day if he wasn’t and you were waiting out in the cold longer than you needed to be. But thankfully, the door opens.

"May I help you?" The rich Russian accent caught you off guard, making you blink in surprise. You weren’t sure what to expect when he did speak but it wasn’t that. 

You gave the man an apologetic smile, "Hi I’m so sorry to bother you early this morning but I was wondering if you had heard anything strange late at night or earlier in the morning? Or if you had seen anything weird?"

The man looks down at you for a moment and you could tell he was studying you. His eyes were probably the most vibrant shade of a deep purple hue that you had ever seen before. You couldn’t tell what he was thinking, he had a good poker face you had to admit. He only tilts his head to the side, looking concerned. "I had not heard anything out of the ordinary. I usually am not here all that often because of work, but when I am here, I like to stay in my bedroom and rest."

He sounded genuine, and he definitely looked genuine. But those years you’ve spent as a detective grew your skills, and you’ve kept them sharp. You wouldn’t have been earnestly praised highly as a detective if you weren’t good at catching onto the small things. A blessing and a curse. There was something off about this neighbor of yours that you couldn’t place your finger on.

You couldn’t let him know that though, so you only shook your head again and waved your hand. "Ah, I’m so sorry again then. There was just a note left on my window and I was just wondering if anyone saw anything. It’s okay, thank you for your time."

"That sounds terrible, forgive me if I’m overstepping but are you certain it wasn’t your roommate playing some sort of prank?"

……

You could feel the gears in your head pause abruptly. You blink at him in confusion.

Roommate? 

"I don’t have a roommate?" You clarified, raising a brow at his comment. But he only reciprocates your confused expression.

"Is that so? I was sure you did. There was this man I’ve seen at your place before quite often whenever I’m here." He tells you, and your mind goes into a frenzy. What the fuck was he talking about? Was he talking about Mikhail? 

"I’m sorry, could you explain more?" You kept your tone polite, and it was obvious you weren’t expecting this. You were too distracted by the thoughts swirling in your head that you didn’t realize that you were shaking a bit from the weather.

"Here, you should come inside. I have some tea prepared for myself but there’s enough to share. I’ll tell you what I know. Part of it is that it’s bad manners to keep a guest outside in the cold." He opens the door more, stepping out of the way. 

Jesus, you really did want to stop being dragged into these games.

will wood ref with nikolai ( 2econd 2ight 2eer ) sigh

They make me sick

Come here😈

𝑳𝑼𝑫𝑼𝑺 — a love that is played as a game or sport; conquest

RECEIVERS。director!nikolai gogol x actress fem!reader

WISHCARD。“We are in a fucking car, in a fucking parking area, Nikolai. People might see us, even with this tinted window,” — “Good, let them fucking see.”

BOUQUET。n/sfw 18+, manipulation, age gap (nikolai's in 30s, reader's in early 20s), manhandling, mouthgag, power imbalance, sloppy saliva, semi-public (in a car), submissive!reader, petnames, toxic relationship, dead dove do not eat

PRICE。approx. 5.0k

FREEGIFT。stargirl interlude (the weeknd, lana del rey), you? (two feet)

MAIN MENU。FOUR SHADES OF PINK

“Any date for Valentine's?” 

You look to your side, seeing your co-actress, Amanda, ask about your plan for Valentine's Day tomorrow. You shrug your shoulders as you mix your coffee well in the mug. 

You two are waiting for the technicians to fix an issue that suddenly came up during a shot. A camera had a wire malfunction and it almost sparked fire before they quickly put it out. 

This project you are filming now is co-directed by Nikolai, the toxic man you somehow get yourself involved with. He does not even care about the ongoing rumours of his favouritism towards you. Rather, it seems like those rumours only ignite his desire to get closer and more intrusive into your career. 

“No… not really,” you reply slowly. Amanda snorts as she sips her coffee. Her eyes then trail a figure far away and she suddenly giggles to herself. You look at her, confused. “What's wrong?” 

“Nothing. You know, I was thinking…” Amanda says and her voice is lower—almost like a whisper. She nudges her chin, gesturing to you to look at someone. You turn your head, eyes roaming the people to find that certain person Amanda is referring to. 

“… I kinda want to give chocolates to Gogol. What do you think?” 

Your head twists back to her, and your eyes slightly widen. Amanda is smiling sheepishly as she stirs her coffee. Her face is reddening with crimson, blushing at the mere thought of giving chocolates to Nikolai.

“Why… him?” you ask carefully. You hope your tone does not sound like you are envious. After all, there really is no reason for you to! She is just giving chocolates. It is just a friendly gesture, right? 

Amanda hesitates to reply to you, it seems. She glances at you and then Nikolai, before she shrugs her shoulders. “I think he is very nice… He looks out to so many people too.” She says. “Besides, he is quite hot, don't you think? Better to give chocolates to hot dudes than ugly guys, right?” 

“Right…” you just nod and avert your attention elsewhere. But luck is not on your side, because as soon as you turn your attention away from Amanda, your eyes connect immediately with Nikolai. And it is clear that he has been stealing glances at you. 

He does not shy away when he notices that you have seen him. Instead, he just grins. 

Nikolai makes a casual stride towards you and Amanda. And you can hear Amanda's small panicky voice when she realizes Nikolai is coming towards her. She is clearly flustered with his presence—perhaps she has caught feelings without knowing it. 

“You girls okay?” Nikolai asks, putting his hand in his pocket while the other twirls a paper cup. “We will have another five minutes before we test the lights to make sure it's all good.” 

“We are alright!” Amanda replies before you can even do so. “What are you drinking, sir? Vodka?” 

Nikolai cackles, shaking his head. “Just soda,” he replies before he looks at you. “You sure you wanna drink the coffee?” he asks, with a slightly mocking tone. Amanda looks at him, a little confused but you are restless. You grip the mug, and for a quick second, you remember the time he slipped something in your drink when it was just the two of you in the studio. 

“Better than your coffee,” you say. “It doesn't have any additives to it, sir. Very good. Much, much, much better.” 

“Touché.” Nikolai raises his hands as if he just loses. Amanda is still confused but before she could even bother you with questions, her manager calls her to get ready for her scene. Amanda bids farewell to you and Nikolai before she leaves quickly. 

As soon as Amanda's seat is empty, Nikolai sits right next to you. There's silence between you and him. Sometimes you are glancing at him, only to find that he is just watching the crew without a word leaving his mouth. 

“You’re angry.” You say. 

“I’m not.” He replies. 

“Are you still angry because I accepted that sponsorship?” You ask carefully, referring to a sponsorship that Nikolai has pressured and emphasized to you to not accept it. But that chance is just too good to be passed on. Nikolai repeatedly says that he does not want you to work with a certain guy—who happened to be moderating the sponsorship—but you went on and accepted it anyway. 

Besides, what in the fuck he could do? He is not your staff member, not even your PR team. You can do whatever you want as long as your team has approved it.

“That sponsorship is shit and you should regret taking it. Ugh, working with that old man who loves to drink until he vomits? Ugh…” Nikolai grunts.

“That sponsorship is not shit. You're just jealous about the fact that I’m about to work closely with another rich man.”

Nikolai glares at you. And you feel like you are winning. Oh, how victorious it feels when you pull away that malicious smile from his face. 

“Why don't you tell me that you're jealous, sir? Or else you wouldn't rewrite a whole kissing scene involving me, right? You can control whatever I do in projects you oversee, but not a sponsorship that is completely unrelated to you.” crossing your arms, you tilt your head at him. Nikolai seems surprised at your change of manner and his silence only feeds your confidence to stomp more on his ego. 

”Play stupid games, win stupid prizes, sweetheart. You don't wanna play shitty games with me. You already did once and I’m willing to let you go for now.” Nikolai smiles, but that smile does not have any shadow of kindness—more of a threat. You snort. 

“Cat got your tongue? Can't admit it?” 

Nikolai hums but remains to say nothing. Instead, he stretches himself, groaning while at it. Without looking at you, he strikes a question, completely ignoring the topic at hand. “Will you come tomorrow? The dinner, I mean.” 

You certainly notice his attempt to change the subject. You smirk. “Admit that you are jealous, or I'm gonna be absent tomorrow.” 

“Ah, sweetheart…” he sighs, pouting. “Don't do me like this. I have to be professional.” 

“I don't recall being professional includes offering a young actress to be his sugar baby.” 

Nikolai grumbles incoherent noises. His nose scrunches. He does not really have a good mood because his schedule does not flow smoothly today—due to the lights accident. He would normally get annoyed when people tease him too much, but he finds it adorable when it is you who is doing it. 

“Hey, don't leave your ‘sugar baby’ hanging. Are you jealous or not?” You press on him, enjoying the boost of confidence. Nikolai groans once again before he stands up. His large hand pats your head.

“Just come tomorrow. Be nice to me for once, yeah?” 

He leaves for the directors' table, with your eyes trailing his figure. You lean back to your seat, drinking the rest of your coffee. Tomorrow evening, there will be a small party involving the crew and the actors for this project. Supposedly, the project will finish filming tomorrow morning and your scene is almost done by today anyway, so you don't have to come to the set in the morning. 

It is just a small party to celebrate the end of the filming period. 

On Valentine's Day. How romantic. 

— ♢

Your phone has been pinging because of Amanda's messages. She is excited to show you her box of chocolates and a big bouquet that she wanted to give Nikolai for Valentine's Day. 

That girl certainly has something going on with Nikolai—or at least that's what you suspected. You know it is normal for Nikolai to interact with rookies a lot of times, considering he is a director for various shows and movies. 

As much as you want to deny it, you do feel slightly ashamed to admit that you feel a tint of jealousy, thinking about Amanda and Nikolai together. Intrusive thoughts are really intrusive at this hour. You cannot stop thinking about his reactions to Amanda's gifts, his gestures towards her, and his words given to her. 

You do not even have any chocolates or gifts to give to anyone tonight. But suddenly you feel pressured to have something. 

“We have ten more minutes before the gate is open for guests. Do you want to stop somewhere?” As if God hears your anxious heart, your manager asks.

“Yeah… Yeah, I think I would like to… stop at a store.” 

“Convenience store? I can get something for you instead. Just send me a text of what you need.” your manager says as he drives the car to the nearest store. He parks the car in front of a premise. 

“Wait, can I just go inside myself?” you say. You do not really want anyone to know you are buying cheap chocolates on Valentine's Day, even to your colleagues. Besides, you want to make a little effort to actually get chocolates as a gift. 

Your manager hesitates to allow you to leave the car, especially when you are wearing a dress and looking like a celebrity at first glance. You try to convince him to allow you to leave the car and after what feels like hours of reassurance to the man, he finally lets you out.

But not without a big puffer jacket with a hood that covers half your face adorning your body. 

“I look like I’m selling drugs,” you mutter. 

“This is the best option so we can avoid ruining your makeup and hair,” he says as he zips up the jacket fully. “Make your trip quick. I fear that there might be paparazzi around.” You nod and after he is done making sure you are unrecognizable as possible, you run towards the store, entering it. 

The worker does not even spare a glance. He is already tired from his job, just sitting at the counter. You make a turn to an aisle, quickly finding a shelf that has a lot of pretty chocolate boxes. The brands are nothing luxurious. But you take your time choosing one that you think Nikolai would like.

So you pick a chocolate box that has quite an expensive price tag on it. It is rectangular-shaped and contains twelve heart-shaped strawberry-flavored chocolates. You make your way to the counter, also grabbing a white teddy bear keychain you see when you are making a payment. 

Done—you thought. It may not be too much, but at least there's something. You hide your stuff in your jacket and run towards the car. Your manager does not bother to ask anything as he is more focused on the time, since the gate has opened for guests to enter the party. 

You keep the chocolates and the small teddy bear inside your high-branded handbag. The teddy bear is fluffy and white in colour, and it has a small hat and an eyepatch on it too. 

When you arrive at the party, most of the guests—the crew and the actors—are already there. Amanda is excited to see you and she jogs to you when he sees you roaming around in the small hall with a glass of champagne in your hand. 

“Hey, you came!” She gives you a hug which you gladly return, and then she brings you to a table, where you are supposed to sit. Turns out, you are sitting beside her. Not really surprising, considering you two closely worked together a lot on this project. 

You take a seat and notice that the chair beside Amanda has a big bouquet of flowers and a shiny chocolate box on it. You turn your head forward, and you see Nikolai's name card is exactly in front of Amanda. 

Ah, he will sit across from her. 

Something stirs inside you. 

It is not long before Nikolai appears with his director friends. And he comes in with some gifts in his arms. Small bouquets of flowers, some chocolate boxes, some gift boxes. 

He has been receiving Valentine's gifts. 

Expensive gifts. 

Amanda gleefully gives him the bouquet and the chocolates, which Nikolai receives with a peal of cheerful laughter. He does not really have any room to hold another one, but he gives the rest of his gifts to his staff, only to take Amanda's bouquet and admire it. 

“Oh, I love chrysanthemums! Ah, are these tulips too?” He asks, looking at the flowers one by one. “Thank you so much, sweetheart. This is beautiful!” He then takes a look at the chocolate box. The red shiny box is wrapped in gold tulle ribbon. You recognize the brand—it is a very luxurious one. A box of their basic milk chocolates already costs half a hundred bucks.

Chocolates don't need to be expensive. You're gonna shit it out anyway.

Your heart mumbles. You purse your lips and look away, clutching your bag. Something is stirring wild in your heart. Timidity creeps up and you suddenly feel small and out of place. 

Amanda and Nikolai are still talking to each other. She is clearly enjoying her time. You glance towards them, only to see Nikolai is kissing her cheek—hopefully in a friendly manner—before they both get to their respective seats. 

Nikolai sits on his chair. He is in front of you, albeit he is directly in front of Amanda. Amanda gets to hers and she sits down with a happy grin at you. You smile back, hoping that you do not appear to be obviously bitter. 

“Are you okay, starshine?” 

Your head perks up when you hear his voice amidst the noise around you from all the people here. You see Nikolai is looking at you. He is resting his chin on his palm and his finger is rubbing his lips. His gaze stays for a long while. 

“Yes. Yes, I am fine,” you reply, awkwardly sipping your champagne. 

“You are very beautiful.” 

Your cheek heats and you smile a little. “Thank you… You too…” 

The conversation ends there, but his gaze doesn't. Even while the main director is making a speech, you notice he is just staring at you. The only thing that truly separates your eyesight and his is just the small chandelier that is hanging between the two of you. 

The dinner went well. A few crew members are leaving and there are still so many people staying behind, drinking and enjoying desserts. You are careful to not consume too much alcohol. You do not want to be batshit drunk tonight. 

But you do feel slightly tipsy. 

As you are drinking wine while listening to your friend’s chatter, Nikolai stands and he speaks something to the people around him. He is leaving, since he has work tomorrow. His staff seems to want to escort him but he orders something to them, and it looks like they are not following him. 

“Well, enjoy the rest of the night, everyone. Sorry, I couldn't stay longer!” Nikolai says as he takes his long coat and drapes it over his body. He glances at you one last time and leaves, without sharing any more words. 

There are no words shared between you and him except his question at the beginning. It feels wrong. Usually he will fawn over you in this kind of setting, but he does not pay you much attention other than occasional stares. 

It feels wrong and empty. 

Especially knowing that your gifts are still in your bag. 

Even after Nikolai has disappeared somewhere, you feel restless. Your legs are shaking as your fingers fiddle with the ribbon of your bag. Amanda can't still stop talking about Nikolai—for obvious reasons—and it makes you feel even more bitter the longer you sit here in this room. 

So you stand up, excusing yourself. Your manager is nowhere to be seen—he is probably somewhere outside. You walk away from the room, following the trail that Nikolai supposedly went through. 

As soon as you are out, you are lost. You are not sure whether you want to ask the man directly about his whereabouts—you don't really want to look desperate, although that feeling is growing rapidly inside you. So you walk around, approaching the basement carpark, in hopes you could find Nikolai. You hope he is alone and not with his manager or staff. 

The basement is lacking people. You see some guards but you do not see Nikolai. You make a round, gripping your bag tightly. You are about to give up, before suddenly a car horns at you. 

You jump, looking to your left. The horn is just too loud like the driver inside just slams their fist onto it. The car that horned at you has tinted windows, not allowing you to see who is inside clearly. But the car plate does itch that memory in the back of your head. 

You rush to the window of the driver's side. The window slides down just a bit, and you finally see the man you have been searching for—though you only see his eyes due to the tinted window. 

“Hello, love. Did I surprise you?” Nikolai smiles. He presses something and a ‘Click!’ is heard. He wiggles his finger as if to invite you inside. And with a little hesitation, you walk around the car to the front passenger seat. You open the door and get inside. 

The car is cold—seems like the AC is blasted high. Though you catch the usual scent of his perfume, it smells flowery somehow. You turn your head to the backseat, finally seeing bouquets of flowers and Valentine's gifts Nikolai has received today. 

Too many people love him. 

“Want some?” Suddenly, he offers you his cup of coffee. You shake your head, refusing politely. Nikolai snorts. “I don't drug it.” 

“No, it's not that… I just drank a lot already…” You reply slowly. Nikolai hums, propping his head on his hand that rests on the car door frame. You two are just sitting in silence, and though you do not look at him, it feels like his gaze is leering at you a little too much. 

“Today's dinner sucks, isn't it?” Nikolai asks. You look at him, blinking confusedly. You thought the dinner went well, at least for him. He got too many gifts too. What is suck about it? 

“I don't think it's bad…” 

“I think it sucks so bad.” 

You glance at the gifts on the backseat. Amanda's bouquet is undoubtedly the biggest one out of everything. Even her chocolate box looks the most expensive. The longer you look at it, the deeper the self-consciousness is digging itself inside you. 

“You got that many gifts just in one night. I’d think the day would be a blessing if that happened to me.” You say. Nikolai snorts scornfully before he goes silent again. You notice he just keeps staring at you, and there really is nothing you can do to make him stop. Even if you tell him to, he will just like it more. 

For some reason, you are feeling used to it. 

Unable to figure out his games, you hastily open your bag and finally take out the convenience store chocolate box and teddy bear keychain. You fix the teddy bear’s appearance, as it was stuffed into your bag in a rush before. 

Swallowing the nervousness, you turn your body to face him. Your arms stretch out, giving him the chocolates and the keychain. 

“Happy… Valentine's Day… uhm…”

God, how embarrassing. You hate how your gifts look compared to the luxury that was given to this man. It is not like you even plan to give him anything—you don't even think you and him have anything more than a completely manipulative and beneficial sexual relationship, but the feeling of competitiveness and jealousy takes over you at the last second. Though you were a little spirited, seeing how rushed your decision is, you are certainly feeling humbled. 

And it feels more like it when Nikolai starts to cackle. His cackle turns into a string of amused laughter. 

“Oh, starshine. You are such an adorable girl.” 

Nikolai takes your gifts, carefully looking at them. His eyes are more fixated on the teddy bear keychain. And without saying anything, he clips it to his key ring. He certainly likes it when he stares at it for a while. 

“I love it. It's cute. Like you,” he says. “From a convenience store, hm? I think I saw this a few days ago in my local store too.” 

“I-It’s a last-minute effort…!” you say, flustered. Of course, people would recognize things that you can easily get from convenience stores. “I just think it's cute for you and I grabbed it without thinking twice.” 

“Hm, hm. Thank you for the effort, baby. This is my favourite gift ever.” He says. Then suddenly, he adjusts his seat, to give more legroom. He spreads his legs, tapping his lap. “Come. I have something to give you too. I’m not an asshole to leave my baby hanging on Valentine's Day, yeah?” 

Deliberately—and shyly—you climb onto his space. Your dress does not really allow you to spread your legs. Nikolai certainly notices that when he, without saying anything, just slides the fabric up your legs, high enough that it almost reveals your crotch. 

“S-Stop, stop,” you say, trying to hold his hands from messing with your dress any further. 

“I’m helping you. I have seen you naked, starshine. Nothing to be shy of.” 

“We are in a fucking car, in a fucking parking area, Nikolai. People might see us, even with this tinted window,” you whine and your voice falters when he places his hand on your inner thigh, grabbing your flesh and pulling you hard. His act forces you to stumble against his body, making you sit on his lap. 

“Good. Let them fucking see.” 

His hand is getting bolder when he slides it up to tease your crotch. You gasp, hips bucking up trying to avoid his surprise touch. But Nikolai holds you down by gripping your waist with his other hand. 

“K-Kolya— Hey—” your voice comes out a little whiny as his fingers start to rub your clothed cunt. Nikolai chuckles deeply. A lewd smirk forms on his face as he watches you. 

“Think you can just let yourself go like that after giving me only those gifts? Honey, you are my gift for Valentine's. I’ve planned to take you tonight anyway. Glad that I don't have to wait for you too long to come for me, hm?”

He retracts his hand from your cunt and the emptiness leaves you with a longing. Your chest heaves. Your hands are gripping his shirt and you feel the heat is pooling in your lower abdomen. 

“W-What does t-that mean?” 

Nikolai grins, holding your chin before he gives you a soft kiss on the lips. His thumb then rubs your lips, teasing its way to press on your tongue. “You’re always so desperate for my attention, sweetheart. We both know that already. Just a simple silent treatment is enough for me to get you crawling back to me.” 

He holds your head now, with his hands gripping each side of your face tightly. Another kiss is planted on your lips, and this time it is deeper—his tongue slithers inside, his lips dancing gracefully on yours. 

His kiss gets a little wilder as his lips trail to your neck, nibbling your skin. You gasp, body jerking to his touch. His hands are roaming freely on your body, and his kisses travel to your throat and collarbone. One of his hands slips to your inner thighs, caressing your skin as his fingers teasingly trace your cunt. 

Damp. 

His fingers skillfully nuzzle your pussy through your panties as his lips are busy kissing your skin. Your arms wrap around him tightly and your lips are letting out soft moans at his teasing touches. Every time the pad of his fingers presses the fabric against your pussy, you can feel yourself getting wetter and wetter. 

“F-Fuck…” you sigh softly by his ear when he pushes the fabric to the side. His fingers rub your cunt gently and one of his fingers trails up, brushing against your sensitive clit. 

“Aah!” your body jerks, accidentally pressing hard against him and Nikolai groans when you move too suddenly. A harsh slap lands on your ass, and it is enough to tell you to stay still. “S-Sorry…” 

“You’re moving too much. Maybe I should punish you,” he grins before he pushes you slightly to give himself some space. You look at him in disbelief. He reaches for Amanda's bouquet from the backseat and harshly unties one of the red ribbons from it. Some flowers fall but Nikolai doesn't care. 

“W-What? Why, why do I get punished? I said sorry, didn't I?” you whine but it is not for a long time when he rotates your body so your back would lean against his chest. He puts the ribbon on your opened mouth, tying a tight knot behind your head. You gag slightly, and he roughly holds your jaw. 

“Because you're being a naughty, naughty girl who doesn't listen to me when I say do not do a certain thing. I know, I know—I don't have rights to your career. But you owe me that much, considering I helped you a lot, yes, sweetheart?” Nikolai says, his tone is sadistic and cruel. He kisses your jaw, licking a little drool that drips from your lips. 

“Be a sweet girl tonight, okay?” 

You nod and your submissive eyes gaze up to him. Nikolai stares at you for a few seconds before he snickers. “I like it when I can doll you around. My favourite kind of girl, really. You're my favourite, little doll. My only favourite girl. How lucky you are right now, don't you think?”

You whine when his hand roams to your cunt again. Your pussy is wet and his fingers twirl around a string of arousal. You moan, nuzzling your face against his chest. He brings his slick-coated fingers and slips between the makeshift gag on your mouth. Your drool is lubing up his fingers. 

“Good girl.” he kisses your forehead before he brings his fingers to your cunt, slowly pushing two digits in. You moan softly—his thick fingers easily slip inside, nudging your sweet spots. He starts to thrust his fingers in and out while his lips are kissing your neck. 

You can feel Nikolai's cock beneath your ass and his hips are not-so-subtly grinding against yours. He seeks friction to his boner, and it is clear that he is very hard right now. With his fingers deep and plunged inside your cunt, you try to move your ass against his cock but it's pretty hard to do so when he slips his third finger and continues thrusting faster and faster in your pussy. 

“A-Ah—Ack!” you whimper, head resting against his shoulder as his other hand gropes your tits. He just fondles them, not trying to rip the dress off to free your breasts—which you secretly hope he would do. 

Because the heat in this car is growing rapidly. 

Your choked whimpers mix with his soft groans. The sloppy noises of your cunt accompany your sinful melody. His fingers wave against your sensitive spot, with his thumb rubbing harshly against your clit. Your arousal is heightening and your body is trembling with pleasure. 

The ribbon around your mouth is wet with saliva and your hands are frantic to hold anything. Nikolai keeps your legs spread widely, gripping your inner thigh roughly while you are shaking with bliss. His nails bury deeply into your flesh and you feel so, so close now. 

Eyes shut, your stomach tightening as your hips buckle up against his palm, desperately trying to have more friction on your clit. Nikolai seizes your jaw, pulling the ribbon down so harshly that it hurts your mouth a little. But you pay no mind about it when he sloppily kisses you, tongue exploring each other. His fingers are still thrusting, albeit a little slower and your body begins to tense up. 

Your legs tremble and threaten to shut. You feel one of his fingers leaving your tight snatch, only for it to lightly graze against your asshole. And it shocks you to feel a sensation at a foreign untouched spot. Your legs kick out, and your foot accidentally presses the steering wheel. 

A loud horn startles both you and Nikolai. 

And he is a little too quick to stop everything—pulling his fingers out and breaking the kiss, only to push your head downwards as if to hide you. He looks around, and upon hearing your whimper, he realizes it was you. 

“Fucking…”

“I’m s-sorry…! S-Sorry, Nikolai… ‘m sorry—” you cry, mainly because you are almost reaching your orgasm. You whimper, wiggling your butt, begging for him to touch you again. Nikolai softly sighs as he sees you whimpering and whining to make you cum—seems like your head is slipping into a submissive state. 

“We gotta get out of here first.” He says as he pushes you to the seat beside him. Your dress is a mess and your skin is sweaty and sticky from arousal and sweat. Nikolai looks down to his lap. His pants are already stained with his own precum and your mess. 

He starts to drive off when he notices a guard approaching the floor. He hastily grabs his coat that he drapes over his seat and then covers your messed body with it. Giving you a soft reassuring pat on the head, he turns his attention to the road, driving fast to his apartment—as he couldn't just let his favourite girl be in misery for long now. 

“K-Kolya… Kolya, I’m sorry—” 

“Shush, starshine. You’re coming home with me tonight. Oh, you little troublemaker. How could you be this insatiable? I almost cum in my pants too… Well, fuck.”  

©cherikolya 2024 — do not copy, plagiarize and repost my works to any platform, reblogs are very appreciated

if you like my works, consider buy me a ko-fi!

𝑴𝑨𝑵𝑰𝑨 — obsessive love; experience great emotional highs and lows; very possessive

RECEIVERS。stalker!nikolai gogol x fem!reader

WISHCARD。He remembered that night was an absolute hell. He was always so close to you, and yet you were still too far to reach. He did not want to spook you. He hated this. He hated this desire towards you—but goodness, how blissful was it. 

BOUQUET。n.sfw 18+ dark content, stalker!au, stalking, murder and corpse, male masturbation, light angst, obsessive and possessive behaviour, voice fetish(?), cheating, nikolai's pov, the fic is set way before the events in all stalker!au, DEAD DOVE DO NOT EAT

PRICE。approx. 4,3k

FREEGIFT。scary love (the neighbourhood), i wanna feel you coise (AIYLOM)

MAIN MENU。FOUR SHADES OF PINK

February is almost ending. 

Nikolai is anxious. He still hasn't thought of giving you a gift. Sure, you do not know him and never see him for who he truly is outside his ringmaster persona—but he already knows you. He knows you too fucking well. 

Ever since he started to stalk you, he wishes Valentine's Day was never a thing. One of his biggest fears is seeing you being happy and all romantic with another person who is not him. Nikolai hates that just seeing you smile towards your friend makes him all jealous inside. His feelings are eating him up and he cannot just look away even if that's the most merciful thing he could do to himself. 

February 14, hidden in one of the many rooms in your house, Nikolai had to endure witnessing you and your girlfriend kissing and making out on the couch. He saw her hands touching every crook of your skin, spots he had yet to touch. 

He could have just left the house and pretended nothing was happening between you and her. But God—your voice—even if those sweet noises were for somebody else, Nikolai was content enough to imagine that you were purposely being loud enough for him to hear. 

Perhaps that was it! Perhaps you knew he was hidden in the storage room with the door slightly ajar and you moaned and whined loudly for his ears. You were probably climaxing because you were thinking of him, because you knew he was watching. 

Oh, sweetheart! You truly are one!

But drown himself all he wanted in his fantasy, deep down, Nikolai knew you were too in love with that girl. Hell, you still did not know about Nikolai's existence other than his career as a ringmaster. You still have not noticed him around the house, watching you from outside. 

I’m fucking jealous now. 

His cock grew harder when your voice was getting higher. You were panting your girlfriend's name as she rammed her fingers into your cunt, teasing your sweet spot. The squelching noises of kissing and your pussy is luring his own hand to touch himself. Without realizing it, he is already palming himself while his eyes are focused on you and your body through the small gap between the door.

Nikolai thought hours passed but it was just ten minutes before you were cuddling with your girlfriend. His heart burnt and he was overwhelmed with the need to barge out from his hiding and take you away. But he can't do that now. You were enjoying your moment and he did not want to ruin your smile. 

Nikolai made his way out of your house just as quiet as he sneaked in. In his car, driving away, the image of you under someone else's touches was attacking him nonstop. He wanted to pry his head with a knife, hoping he could gut out that image forever. 

But you are already carved inside him. 

His apartment had never felt as empty as ever. Usually on February 14, he can get some people to come and stay the night, hooking up with them. However, ever since he laid his eyes on you, the thought of getting intimate was just towards no one but you. 

Nikolai tried to sleep off his desires but your voices, moans, gasps, gestures, faces—they were all fucking swarming his head. And he stared at the ceiling for hours till the clock struck twelve, indicating the end of Valentine's Day, he still saw you. 

He remembered that night was an absolute hell. He was always so close to you, and yet you were still too far to reach. He did not want to spook you. He hated this. He hated this desire towards you—but goodness, how blissful was it. 

His Valentine's night was just filled with staring and scrolling through the pictures he had taken of you while finishing almost a big bottle of whiskey by himself. Nikolai does have a strong tolerance towards alcohol, but he does have his limits. He collapsed onto his lonely bed with a picture of you on his phone screen. And his room had never felt so cold. 

February 17, was the day he decided to drive your current girlfriend away. No, he cannot let anyone touch you again. He was done suffering. Thus, after he ended his performance that night, he spent the rest of the day trying to find out about your girlfriend. It was easy—Nikolai does have a lot of experience doing this kind of cybercrime after all.

He tracked her down, like any maniac would. He forged his identity to get closer to her, pretending to be a guy who was interested in a relationship. She was a very friendly one. He found out a lot of things—she was a regular in a nightclub that is just so close to your house. 

But her reactions towards his advances made him just a little suspicious—was she really your girlfriend or just another person you hooked up with? 

If she was a cheater, then that's more horrible. 

See, darling? You can't trust these people. I'm the one you need. 

Ten days of talking and luring a woman into his trap, on February 27, he finally meets the very lady who had touched you a little too much. Nikolai introduces himself as Akaky, a name he had used for countless schemes. 

“So, you're really single?” Nikolai asks her as he pays for her drink. She nods as she sips her margarita. Nikolai tilts his head, noticing a red and yellow ring on her finger. He knows that ring. It is one of the affordable merchandise from his circus. 

You gave her that ring, darling? How sweet. I wish you would give me the same ring once we are together. 

“I like your ring,” Nikolai says again and she smiles. 

“Yeah? My girl— uhh, friend— My friend bought it.” She replies, twirling it. “It's cute but… Well, I'm being honest with you here. It looks… cheap, isn't it?” She says with a snort before she takes the ring off. 

“Well, it looks like it's made from metal, it seems. Plated with some colours.” Nikolai says. She looks at him in awe and nods slowly. She smirks, nudging his leg with her foot—a flirty gesture. 

“You know a thing or two about jewellery?” 

The ring merchandise is Erika’s idea…

“I am a collector, remember?” Nikolai says confidently. “I have collected a lot of things for ten years now, so… it’s pretty easy to figure out which is what.” He continues, receiving a small ‘Wow’ from her. She then looks at the ring before she offers it to him. 

“You can take it as a… collection.” She grins. Nikolai smiles back but he felt bittersweet about it somewhat. He knows you gave this to her—probably as a romantic gesture—because he knows you love his circus and its elements enough to collect merchandise. But seeing how easy your gift is being given away like this makes him feel a little sympathetic.

“You sure? Your friend doesn't mind?” Nikolai asks as he takes the ring. It is smaller and certainly he could not fit it in his ring finger. So he tries to slip it onto his pinky finger. A little tight, but it can still be taken off. 

Ah, this ring used to be yours. 

His heart jumps when he realizes how close you are to him now. This ring used to be in your possession… and now he is wearing it. Your touch, your fingertips, your trace—they were on this ring. And they are now on his skin.

You’re so close to me. You're too close to me, love.

His lips threatened to curl up. 

“You like it?” 

Nikolai almost forgets the lady beside him. He turns to her and then he feels a poke on his cheek. She is smiling—almost seductively. “You’re blushing,” She chuckles. “You’re really a cute guy. Do you like me that much?” 

This ring was yours. This ring was yours. This ring was yours. This ring was yours. This ring was yours. This ring was yours.

“Perhaps.” He smirks back. “You’re a tease, aren't you?” Nikolai's voice comes out just as lustrous. He props his head on his hand as he scans her up and down. The lady’s hand touches more of his face, caressing and tugging his cheek. 

“You wanna touch more of me?” He asks and her eyes glimmer in excitement. Nikolai leans closer, bringing his hand to her thigh as he gently caresses her skin. “I know a place.” He whispers. She chuckles before she clung her arms around his neck. Nikolai placed his hand on her waist, pulling her close. 

“You wanna go?” 

“Yes, sir.” 

“Good. I’ll make sure you're screaming tonight.” 

— ♤

Guilt is slowly planting its seed. 

Nikolai glances at the bed. She is lying down on it, only in her underwear. Her mouth is covered with a napkin but her body is lifeless. A knife is plunged into her chest and blood is painting the whole sheet flamboyant red. 

He sighs before he sits on the bed, just beside the corpse. He does not mind the mess. This is his campervan anyway. He drove the van out from his circus, as he did not want to bring his newest victim to his place of work. 

Lighting up a cigarette, Nikolai takes a long inhale of it. His body is covered with a sheen layer of sweat and splatters of blood. He is still in his briefs, as they were just making out until he unleashed a knife and stabbed her in the chest. 

She screamed out loud before he muffled her mouth with her top, subduing the noise. Her fingers clawed at him as he twisted the knife deeper and wilder in her flesh until she slowly stopped moving. 

Nikolai stares at the dead body, already desensitised to this kind of sight. But still, a sense of guilt is already growing in his heart— because he murdered again. 

Nikolai reaches for her handbag, seeking any things that could be useful for him. He opens her purse, takes her cash and throws it onto his working desk. He then takes her phone only to find it locked with a fingerprint ID. So Nikolai holds her thumb on the sensor, unlocking the device. 

He immediately sees several messages from you from the notification board. His heart beats fast, just seeing your name. He clicks on the app, and immediately, he sees you are already online and typing. 

mine xxx [11:23 p.m.] : [7 missed calls] 

mine xxx [11:24 p.m.] : Mia, please answer my call

mine xxx [2:12 a.m.] : I don't know why you're ghosting me like this. Please, let's just talk. 

mine xxx [2:13 a.m.] : Did I do something wrong? 

mine xxx [2:13 a.m.] : I’m sorry if I do anything hurtful to you. I still love you. I promise.

Nikolai frowns. He does not want to come to a conclusion early. But this seems not right. So he looks to other contacts, seeing Mia’s—this woman he killed—interactions with others. 

Me [8:17 p.m.] : I already did the dare, didnt i? Gimme a break now

Jake [8:18 p.m.] : Nooo you need to keep it until the end of February!! 

olivia <3 [8:18 p.m.] : thats what u get loser bitch xx

Me [8:19 p.m.] : Stfu 

olivia <3 [8:19 p.m.] : aww don't be mad bae. are u comin' tonight? i can pick u up

Jake [8:20 p.m.] : Please bring your girlfriend too :p

Me [8:20 p.m.] : Not coming! I have a new date tonight xx

olivia <3 [8:20 p.m.] : u cheatin on ur girl???

Me [8:21 p.m.] : Sorta. Its not really cheating if I dont fuck him right?

olivia <3 [8:21 p.m.] : what if ur gf knows? 

Me [8:22 p.m.] : She wont. Besides, shes not really my girlfriend, isnt she?

Me [8:22 p.m.] : Its fine, i’ll break up with her later

Jake [8:22 p.m.] : You should send her to us or something 

olivia <3 [8:23 p.m.] : are we passing girls rn? 

Jake [8:23 p.m.] : Nah. I just need to get my dick wet sometimes

olivia <3 [8:23 p.m.] : 3some?

Jake [8:23 p.m.] : Only if Mia’s girl want

Me [8:24 p.m.] : Stfu horny sickos. She will be yours after i break up with her alright

Me [8:24 p.m.] : I need to get ready. Bye <3

Nikolai sighs. As he expected, this relationship of yours was just another one-sided game. He deletes the messages and leaves the group chat out of spite. It kind of hurts him to see your name is being brought up for bad reasons. He wonders if these failed relationships you are having would have a longer effect on you. 

What if you start to expect the worst whenever you catch feelings? What if you would rather be alone, yearning for a good relationship, instead of trying to pursue one? What if you feel more insecure? 

Nikolai feels bad for you. 

Bad relationships surely would force your brain to work differently. An emotion is not being satisfied. As much as he is aware of how bad of a person he is, he wants to create a healthy relationship with you.

He already planned for it—Nikolai would approach you as a ringmaster and indulge your interests in the circus. After all, he loves it when you are flaunting over something that makes you happy and cheerful. The fact that his circus is one of the reasons for that just makes his affection towards you grow deeper. 

And then, after you and him get to know each other normally, maybe he could take you out for dinner and spoil you rotten. You deserve to be treated like a princess after all. 

Nikolai does not plan to tell you about his stalking activity. He does not think he will. Besides, it is not like you are noticing him or anything! You just know him as Gogol and he has all the chance in the world to go through that peaceful route. It is fine if he stays silent about his not-so-good side—you don't have to know!

Nikolai clicks on your contact again, seeing that you are still online. The call button right beside your profile picture is alluring. His thumb hovers over the icon. His heart is beating faster and his chest is heaving up and down. His cock is hardening as he stares at your profile. 

He presses it. 

His hand is shaky as he brings the phone to his ear. His other hand is palming his boner as he hears the dial. He hears a click and finally—fucking finally—he hears your voice. 

“M-Mia! Oh thank God..” 

Nikolai throws his head back as his hand is slipping inside his briefs, taking out his hard cock. Precum is leaking on his tip as he strokes his girth slowly upon hearing your voice. 

You’re talking to me. You're talking to me.. You're talking to me..! 

“Mia, listen..! I’m really sorry if I hurt you or anything, okay? I really am. I don't know why you're ghosting me—” 

A sniffle. 

Nikolai realizes you are probably crying. Ahh, how glad he is to have killed the very person who made your tears drop. He bites his lips, trying to not make a sound as his hand is fisting his cock faster. 

“Sorry.. It's just… Sorry, I’m just… confused… Why do you i-ignore me like that? I am worried. I love you so much—” 

“Haa— F-Fuck…” 

“Who's that?”

Nikolai scrunches his face, biting his lips harder as he realizes he fucked up. That short love confession makes his arousal heighten so much. He is leaking onto his palm, the squelching noise becoming louder as he jerks himself faster. 

“W-What’s that noise? Are you with someone else now? W-Who's this..?”

Nikolai accidentally lets out a small whimper upon hearing your voice again. His hand is gripping the phone tightly, just as tight as how he is jerking his cock right now. His mind wanders—imagining a near future where you are the one lying on this bed, with you between his thighs and your lips around his girth. 

His brain replays that scene where you were fucked by Mia in your house. The way your voice gets louder when she put four fingers inside—Nikolai could not quite see it but he swears he did see a glimpse of your pussy. 

He could only imagine what face would you make when you squirm under him as he tries to fit his big cock into your pussy—you must feel so so so fucking warm and tight. He could see the way your nails are buried on his back and his arms as his hand fondles your pretty tits. Do you have sensitive nipples? Would you whine louder if he sucked on them? Would you caress his head as he marks your mounds? Do you allow him to sleep on them? 

Nikolai moans again as his hips buckle slightly. He says your name in a broken groan as he spills onto his stomach and hand. He looks at his stomach and then the phone, seeing that you have ended the call about two minutes ago. Your picture and basic profile on the chat are also gone, indicating just one thing. 

You blocked her. 

He hastily grabs the tissue from his desk and wipes his cum off his body and hand. Nikolai grumbles to himself as his high is slowly decreasing. 

“Shit.” 

Nikolai realizes he just jerks off beside a fresh corpse. He does not feel creeped out about it but he wishes the ghost of Mia the cheating cheater would not hunt him tonight. 

Nikolai knows he needs to dispose of her and the bed as soon as possible. The blood is already seeping into the mattress and he does not want the trouble to clean them up. He already has a spot in mind to go to hide the evidence—this is not the first time he committed atrocities and truth be told, he does like this challenging side of cleaning up after a murder. 

As he fixes his briefs, he looks at Mia again. Her eyes are still wide. Her body has gone cold and her face is getting paler. He scoots closer and reaches to her eyelids to close them. Nikolai looks at the dead body again and his eyes are fixated on her hand. 

He touches her hand, letting his fingertips trace her cold fingers. He holds it up, staring at her fingers. 

These fingers were once inside you. 

These fingers once touched you. 

His breathing is rapid again as the memory lingers in the back of his mind. Jealousy is burning, igniting a strange desire. Slowly, Nikolai pries open his lips and engulfs her fingers in his mouth, sucking them. 

These were inside you. 

I am touching you. 

—  ♤

Guilt is growing bigger in his heart. 

Nikolai does not know what he expects when he finds you in such a miserable position. 

You are curled up on your bed and your face has traces of dried tears. He is careful enough to tiptoe around your bed while holding a gift box in his arm. Nikolai notices a bottle of pills right on the small table beside your bed. He examines it, only to find out that they are melatonin pills. 

Oh, my dear… 

He puts the bottle back and then he notices the small trash can beside the table. It is full of tissues, but he notices one tiny thing that sparkles out due to its colour. 

It's the ring. 

He purses his lips. You must have thrown it away after whatever assumption you made. He feels slightly hurt as he is wearing the same ring on his pinky right now. How he wishes you would keep it, so he can keep deluding himself into the idea of you two wearing the same ring because you two are connected by fate. 

Nikolai takes the ring from the trash can and with slow steps, he makes his way to the kitchen. The layout of your house is engraved in his head already. You are a worker during the day while he is a worker at night. He can easily get into your house during the day while you are away. 

He washes the ring at the sink and uses the hand soap to make sure it is cleaner. He walks back to the room and Nikolai gets down on one knee right beside you by the bed. 

Will I really do this? 

Nikolai does not want to spook you or scare you. He really doesn't. He wishes to develop his relationship with you healthily and in a good way. Truth is, he does not want you to notice him stalking you around the house. 

If he makes his existence as your stalker evident, you will be scared and you might not trust him and you might be paranoid about being in a relationship with him and you might hate him. 

But she loves getting scared, doesn't she? That's why she comes to the circus so often. —his heart entices. 

No. She already had a bad relationship. I want a normal relationship with her… —his head reasons. 

Nikolai is stumped. 

Normal? Normality? Is this really what he wants to achieve? He does not want that. He does not want to be humane—he has lived all these years to be insane. He wants to lose sight of himself and he never plans to stray away from that big goal. 

And besides, besides! Why do I have to listen to you, dear head? You are trying to restrict me to a set of morality. Why, oh why, should I listen to you when you are the very thing that has been brainwashed since the day I was aware of this world? I don't need to hear you. I don't need you to reason with me. Just and unjust can scram to Hell. I will drag you to my chaos as well. 

Nikolai gently holds your hand. He is shivering—excitement, lust, devotion, passion—he feels everything at once. Your skin feels so much better. You are so soft, so fragile, such a darling. 

He slips the circus ring on your ring finger. It fits perfectly. And this mere gesture only sends Nikolai into a frenzied state for a few seconds. 

It feels like a marriage! Like we are connected and entangled with each other so closely..! I can already see us! I see us, my little dove..! 

Nikolai is in Heaven—a complete mania. This is the greatest Valentine's Day ever! He even forgets what day it is—but all he knows is that this is truly a fateful day for you two. 

He reaches your face, slowly touching your strands of hair. You are sleeping too deeply and he thanked the pills for that. Now he does not feel that guilty for what happened yesterday. All those events lead to this historical moment. You will smile again—he will make sure of it. Besides, he can tell Erika to make a ticket giveaway for his circus. He will make sure you get it. And then you can come to his circus and watch him perform. Perhaps your smile will emerge again from his acts. Then he can finally approach you and coax you into a relationship! 

Right, right, this is all in his favour! Oh, how he loves this life, now that you exist as his ethos. 

Nikolai smiles to himself as he pulls the gift box closer to his legs. He is supposed to leave this gift in your mailbox, but he decides not to. Oh, nothing much. It is just some cut-off Mia’s fingers. But he decides that he will take his spooky act slowly. Not now, not now. He will give you more luxury when the time is right. 

“Perhaps I should leave…” He mumbles, realizing that he might have been in your house for quite a while now. He stands up but he stops when he hears you stirring in your sleep, making a small noise. As he smiles, expecting a cute face from you, all he sees is just a painful expression. 

An arrow shoots straight into his heart. 

Nikolai just remembers that you most likely cried yourself to sleep, based on the dried tears on your face. You must have dealt with insomnia for the past few nights because of Mia ghosting you. And he knows you won't get a proper closure for this relationship, as Mia is no longer here in this world. 

He feels bad.

Nikolai contemplates his decision. He wants to stay longer. He doesn't mind sitting on the floor, in the dark, starved or thirsty, as long as he can watch you sleep. But, Erika has already warned him to come to the meeting at nine in the morning. 

He does not even sleep yet. 

Pursing his lips, Nikolai looks at you again. After ten complete seconds of thinking, he sits back on the floor right beside your bed. He sees your body is jerking a few times and your forehead is frowning—nightmares? He hopes not. 

Nikolai bravely moves his hand up, finally holding your hand just loosely nice. This is the closest he has ever gotten to you. He sees how your hand and his are both showing the same rings. He already loves this day—this moment. He feels at peace, somewhat, despite the cacophony of love in his heart. And if this is how the rest of his Valentine's Day is going to be, he will gladly stay.

He promises your next Valentine's Day will be the greatest ever. After all, you are already his.

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