I Was Looking For A Specific Post Going Through The Tags In The Archive And Opened This One Because I

It would be very helpful for people that want to hire this kind of goons, though. Imagine during a cliché warehouse interview somebody going "We also were given three and a half stars by Damian Wayne - AND we've improved on the tracker removal since, like he suggested".

the daily planet: “it’s been 0 days since last kidnapping’ how the Wayne family is coping with Damian Wayne’s recent abduction”

damian treating the interview like a yelp review: the use of handguns was idiotic, their ransom note lacked inspiration, their negotiation tactics were terrible, the food they gave me was of horrible nutritional value, 1/5 stars.

Ugh, I know, right?? When I (age ten, probably) first got my hands on the book I read the first and the second volumes in a day? Maybe two, can't recall. I loved it. I loved it for years and was perplexed when I told my father about it offhandedly and he said he really thought Mowgli was a much better take. Book of Jungle was cool, but I read it far earlier in my life and was convinced it paled in contrast.

So of course I reread Tarzan about a year ago, and it was awful. Oh, the sweet time when I would read a book and be amazed by a man swinging through jungles, jumping over great pits, battling both man and nature, and carrying inconceivably heavy gold bars (though even then I realized it made no sense because it didn't even look pretty as jewelry does, and unlike rich American Colonists Of British Ancestry kids and guys raised by X-Men style apes do not value gold for itself, at all). This is why I try to not reread books - or rewatch movies - that I liked for physical prowess of the main characters. Most of them turn out to be painfully macho and with weird sexual content that both went over child-me's head, while what I want is the description of how well that dude climbs a tree or catches a certain scent. Heartbreaking.

You know what Tarzan isn't actually what you could call a "good" man.

Yes I can expand upon this point if asked.

Valid point, and now that it has been made it's ridiculous to even consider thinking otherwise. It's also one of the most hilarious things about Madara I've ever read and each word is better than the last. It's hard to be thoughtful when you are doubled over with laughter.

So I have an issue with common fandom interpretations of Hashirama and Madara. (Not together, but it applies to Hashimada too) Whenever I see Hashirama in the context of a relationship or the bedroom, he’s always either superderp or supertop. Whenever I see Madara, he’s either the smoothest dude ever or just ultra dominant.

Let me tell you something.

Madara is the man who turned Hashirama into a meme because he’s so incapable of articulating himself that when he saw his old friend and enemy he just decided to scream “HASHIRAMAAA” at him. This is the guy who can’t pee if someone looks at him while he’s doing it. This dude somehow managed to fail to convince his own clan, who he was presumably the leader and most powerful member of, to leave Konoha and ended up getting booted out.

By his own clan.

He failed charisma checks to get Hokage even when his friend and the only Hokage to exist at that point wanted him to be Hokage, and he failed so badly not one Uchiha joined him when he stormed out.

He self destructed partly because he can’t figure out that children are kind of important to have, because he saw them as brats running around his ankles. We see him with no personal bonds other than his siblings (primarily the one brother he had during his time with Hashirama) and Hashirama, and while he does manipulate quite well, it’s with violence and controlling circumstances. When he gets to ramble he sounds like a crazy old man.

He literally could not convince his own best friend to see things his way and he was one of the ones who founded the village in the first place.

Meanwhile, Hashirama became Hokage, founded and grew a village, forged the first peace between the nations, and had a wife and children. He convinced thousands of people, even those who were his enemies, to see things his way. He swayed Sasuke at least some small amount.

He had presence. He demanded respect and admiration from those around him, and even slapped down Tobirama. We’re also shown him manipulating and generally messing with people socially, not by heavily traumatizing them into a broken mess and picking up the pieces.

My point is, almost certainly, the smooth frick of the pair is Hashirama. He might also be derp, he might or might not be super top, but Hashirama is the dude to look out for. One does not successfully create a (temporary but also lasting) peace and village structure out of chaos and war without being wily.

Madara, on the other hand, is savage, a little feral, and insanely laser focused. And ultimately ended up being manipulated by a plant, like every other Uchiha ever. So. Madara probably uses his chopsticks by gripping them with his fist, stabbing through the plate, and lighting anything on fire that refuses to be skewered.

His mating call is probably just to scream at the person he’s interested in.

I’m just saying.

There’s no indicator that he’s a smooth operator anywhere ever.

Ever.

thinking about if konoha ninja who became anbu frequently 'died' so they wouldn't be on any registry and so other villages would get word that notable shinobi have 'died'. they don't do it often, that would be suspicious, but they do it to kakashi. minato assigns him to anbu and apologizes blandly when he tells him his death is going to be faked. kakashi, broken traumatized and depressed, thinks nothing of it.

kakashi 'dies' on a mission months after the death of rin, after obito watched, after he lost pretty much everything and any sense of self he had. his body isn't recovered and the circumstances of his death are unclear.

if im being entirely cruel, this means that no one in the village (guy, asuma, iruka, etc.) would know that kakashi is still alive. they all think he's dead and they grieve him and kakashi... disappears. he doesn't know himself anymore and he can't, because he's dead and he's in the anbu now and that's all that matters. his life for konoha in life and death, always.

obito, being the stalker he is, looks for kakashi. he missed him entering the anbu, he missed the faked funeral, he missed a lot. he tries to find him in his shoebox apartment, stakes out minato's home, sits at the memorial stone and rin's grave. but kakashi never shows up and obito decides he'll check the active missions in konoha, just to know where kakashi is (definitely not to follow him and watch him, that'd be weird, duh). so after sneaking into the hokage's office with kamui, he rifles through the piles of s-rank and a-rank missions, but kakashi's name is nowhere to be found. confused and almost insulted on kakashi's behalf, he checks the b-ranks and below, but no dice.

now obito is getting...nervous might not be the word but he's definitely feel angry at this point. if kakashi isn't home, on a mission, grieiving, or with minato then where is he. obito stalks guy next, finds him sitting on a rock by a stream, glum. he's pale, his eyes are watery, he looks exhausted and obito is definitely nervous at this point. he'd never admit it but for something to get guy of all people down... obito fears for the worst.

through much stalking and espionage, obito finds out where kakashi is.

he's dead.

that can't be right.

he would've heard if kakashi was dead, right? zetsu would've told him. he would've known. kakashi has one of his eyes, he definitely would've known. and obito, pissed, scared, and indignant, opens up the connection between him and kakashi, searching for kakashi's vision, for what he can see. he hasn't done it since that night when rin...

he didn't want kakashi to know it existed, never even wanted to take that chance. but he doesn't care anymore. kakashi isn't dead. it's just not possible.

obito was right. kakashi isn't dead.

but he might as well be.

kakashi has no way out of the anbu now, no way that wouldn't give away konoha's secrets. guy can't help him because guy thinks he's dead, minato can't help him, he killed him in the first place. kakashi will forever live, breathe, and die for konoha. it makes obito's blood boil, he feels reminiscent of the night rin died.

he hates kakashi. he wants to hate kakashi. he can't hate kakashi. he can hate the world, he can despise konoha, he can want to kill minato. but kakashi...

he's never been able to hate him. no matter how hard he tried, how easy kakashi made it for him. when it came to kakashi, his balance between love and hate was never more skewed.

there's a particularly awful mission, kakashi is the only one to return to the village and he's...he's not good. obito watches him laugh hysterically as he washes his hands of blood that isn't there. he's never seen kakashi so broken and it hurts more than he ever thought it would.

obito gets kakashi out of the anbu. kakashi hates him for it, fights him, thrashes against him and his will and ideologies. kakashi doesn't know him, obito was too ahamed to reveal himself. it doesn't matter though, kakashi wants to die. he was happy in the anbu, he says. it'd be a quicker death, a noble death.

you've already died, obito shouts at him, enraged and torn apart. how can't he see it? how can he be so naive and blind to it all?

kakashi doesn't answer, doesn't know what words to say to make this stranger believe he isn't worth the trouble. obito has no choice.

with a shaking hand, he removes his mask. kakashi watches, eyes wide and wet and obito throws the mask to the side to hold out his hand. you've already died, but you can be reborn.

with me.

kakashi, broken tattered and thoroughly sure he's lost it, takes obito's hand. yes, kakashi thinks, he's died. but if this is the afterlife, than maybe things won't be so bad...

Oh oh oh, do they perhaps reform Akatsuki to what they were initially? Not that much time had passed, if Obito alone could make Nagato abandon his initial ideology, surely KkOb together can undo that. And then four of them can establish some grand Utopian place where there are basically no shinobis, because, let's be real, if that place has the Pein's Paths and Obito, neither of whom need rest nor can realistically be taken out of action permanently by anything short of some sort of nuclear explosion, to protect it, along with the shinobi who agree with the idea but can not really be anything but a Shinobu anymore, they'd need no other ninja to constantly replace the fallen ones.

And the economics can be boosted by mokuton, because the fields of Ame can grow anything, in any amounts, and export it, instead of getting money from salesword commissions. Besides, Ame seemed to be more industrial as is, so they'd likely be able to export what that entails to other countries that are more preoccupied with producing warriors rather than engineering and scientific advancement.

Though, at least half of Akatsuki would not make the cut. While Deidara and Sasori could potentially be something more productive and less mass-murder-y, especially Deidara, who was really a child when first approached (12, right?), Hidan and Kakuzu definitely couldn't. Itachi would have loved the idea, perhaps, but on another hand would he still be sent as a spy to that sort of Akatsuki? Would the Massacre even go the same way without Obito there to do everything he did? Kisame could be drafted the same way as in canon, that's a no-brainer, but Zetsu is an interesting case. Without the Eye plan would they pretend to be okay with that to look for another opportunity, or would they keep on pestering Obito to go back to original plot? Would they just melt away and decide that perhaps the next century would be more auspicious? Or perhaps, would Kakashi Point out the obvious and they manage to reverse-engineer that thing? White Zetsu seems to be all about humanity, and they like Obito. If Black one gets destroyed, would new clones be simply unaware of Kaguya and any plans involving her, thus being great source of both physical labour and emergency medical treatments, plus the messengers almost as quick as Kamui itself etc etc?

thinking about if konoha ninja who became anbu frequently 'died' so they wouldn't be on any registry and so other villages would get word that notable shinobi have 'died'. they don't do it often, that would be suspicious, but they do it to kakashi. minato assigns him to anbu and apologizes blandly when he tells him his death is going to be faked. kakashi, broken traumatized and depressed, thinks nothing of it.

kakashi 'dies' on a mission months after the death of rin, after obito watched, after he lost pretty much everything and any sense of self he had. his body isn't recovered and the circumstances of his death are unclear.

if im being entirely cruel, this means that no one in the village (guy, asuma, iruka, etc.) would know that kakashi is still alive. they all think he's dead and they grieve him and kakashi... disappears. he doesn't know himself anymore and he can't, because he's dead and he's in the anbu now and that's all that matters. his life for konoha in life and death, always.

obito, being the stalker he is, looks for kakashi. he missed him entering the anbu, he missed the faked funeral, he missed a lot. he tries to find him in his shoebox apartment, stakes out minato's home, sits at the memorial stone and rin's grave. but kakashi never shows up and obito decides he'll check the active missions in konoha, just to know where kakashi is (definitely not to follow him and watch him, that'd be weird, duh). so after sneaking into the hokage's office with kamui, he rifles through the piles of s-rank and a-rank missions, but kakashi's name is nowhere to be found. confused and almost insulted on kakashi's behalf, he checks the b-ranks and below, but no dice.

now obito is getting...nervous might not be the word but he's definitely feel angry at this point. if kakashi isn't home, on a mission, grieiving, or with minato then where is he. obito stalks guy next, finds him sitting on a rock by a stream, glum. he's pale, his eyes are watery, he looks exhausted and obito is definitely nervous at this point. he'd never admit it but for something to get guy of all people down... obito fears for the worst.

through much stalking and espionage, obito finds out where kakashi is.

he's dead.

that can't be right.

he would've heard if kakashi was dead, right? zetsu would've told him. he would've known. kakashi has one of his eyes, he definitely would've known. and obito, pissed, scared, and indignant, opens up the connection between him and kakashi, searching for kakashi's vision, for what he can see. he hasn't done it since that night when rin...

he didn't want kakashi to know it existed, never even wanted to take that chance. but he doesn't care anymore. kakashi isn't dead. it's just not possible.

obito was right. kakashi isn't dead.

but he might as well be.

kakashi has no way out of the anbu now, no way that wouldn't give away konoha's secrets. guy can't help him because guy thinks he's dead, minato can't help him, he killed him in the first place. kakashi will forever live, breathe, and die for konoha. it makes obito's blood boil, he feels reminiscent of the night rin died.

he hates kakashi. he wants to hate kakashi. he can't hate kakashi. he can hate the world, he can despise konoha, he can want to kill minato. but kakashi...

he's never been able to hate him. no matter how hard he tried, how easy kakashi made it for him. when it came to kakashi, his balance between love and hate was never more skewed.

there's a particularly awful mission, kakashi is the only one to return to the village and he's...he's not good. obito watches him laugh hysterically as he washes his hands of blood that isn't there. he's never seen kakashi so broken and it hurts more than he ever thought it would.

obito gets kakashi out of the anbu. kakashi hates him for it, fights him, thrashes against him and his will and ideologies. kakashi doesn't know him, obito was too ahamed to reveal himself. it doesn't matter though, kakashi wants to die. he was happy in the anbu, he says. it'd be a quicker death, a noble death.

you've already died, obito shouts at him, enraged and torn apart. how can't he see it? how can he be so naive and blind to it all?

kakashi doesn't answer, doesn't know what words to say to make this stranger believe he isn't worth the trouble. obito has no choice.

with a shaking hand, he removes his mask. kakashi watches, eyes wide and wet and obito throws the mask to the side to hold out his hand. you've already died, but you can be reborn.

with me.

kakashi, broken tattered and thoroughly sure he's lost it, takes obito's hand. yes, kakashi thinks, he's died. but if this is the afterlife, than maybe things won't be so bad...

To be fair, he IS an Uchiha. What else is he supposed to make if not a scene? Pottery? That spot's filled, I'm afraid.

oh how Obito likes to make a scene

you just didn't have to do it, honey. you didn't have to if you didn't want to deal with him anymore. oh, you just wanted to show off in front of your man and be like "look it's me, will you find out it's me?" well fuck he will. as you wish.

The Suicide Club, or the Adventures of a Titled Person, 1981 has this exact thing and the effect is just as good as described.

Concept: Sherlock Holmes adaptation with Watson providing film noir style voiceover narration, except it’s soon apparent that Watson is a somewhat less-than-reliable narrator.

Though the tone and content of Watson’s voiceover is broadly consistent with the original stories, when compared with the accompanying on-screen events it becomes clear that Watson-the-narrator is frequently, at the very least, delicately understating how things really went down, and occasionally lying through his teeth, particularly when the on-screen “truth” would make Holmes or himself look foolish.

While neither the version of events given by the narration nor the version of events concurrently depicted on screen are particularly comedic in themselves, the combined effect of juxtaposing the two is often outright farcical.

No idea when it was posted because I only vaguely understand how this place functions (not very healthily, I've been assured), but we now have an animated proof of that, which makes this comment so much funnier, because it's been proven to be pure truth.

Whats your favorite batfam character?

spider-man

I am horrified at the implication that Apple PCs don't have USB ports. Even happier than usual to never having owned Apple anything if that's true. Still hoping I have misinterpreted that part, though.

for the record this IS an apple hate zone yes I have an android phone yes I have a bulky PC with its own USB port yes I use wired headphones. you can go ahead and try to fight me on it but keep in mind how scrappy I must be considering I’m broke as shit and have nothing to lose and can guarantee my phone screen won’t shatter in the brawl

Acceptance, cookies, bro love. What else one can wish for? Especially since at least one of them I can make come true without relaying on fate at all!

2021 looks bright!!!