Scumplane Is A Shit That I Need More Of, Please. Alongside Cumplane And Scumcumplane. I Need More Of

Why is school food so darn gross?? 🤢🤢🤢 I’m pretty sure this is at least 85% dog food. #schoollunch #gross #grossfood #dogfood

🥒✈️Cumplane Secret identity AU???

Peerless cucumber becomes so notorious that he starts getting Airplane notices semi-regularly. Airplane needs some extra cash so he starts doing vtube/voice change streams where he draws PIDW characters, comics, monsters etc - he's a talented baby what can I say, and he gets a decent stream following, offering sneak peeks at his creative process - but he really doesn't want his face and ID as an erotica writer out there thank you!!!

Peerless Cucumber is absolutely ridiculous in his chat, ubiquitous, always there the second he starts streaming. Constantly dropping huge donos to ask ridiculous lore questions that literally go on for minutes... riding herd on other chatters and policing people... Eventually him being "worst mod" becomes a meme, and Airplane mods him mostly as a joke.

They start messaging, and weirdly it's not hellfire? Modding the channel is the first actually constructive thing Shen Yuan has done, like, ever. It turns out that when he has actual responsibility, he takes it pretty seriously? He's more reliable than anyone, especially himself, could have expected him to be? Everyone still clowns in him and calls him "worst mod", "everyone tell the mods they suck" but it starts to be affectionate, because he actually helps detoxify the community a little? (Only HE is allowed to be toxic on airplane's channel!!)

He decides to take a media and communications degree because social media is the only thing he's ever been good at. He sees a guy with a PIDW sticker on his laptop in his lectures, and they become study buddies! It's great!

They talk about their shared appreciation for PIDW probably more than they should. Study Buddy is pretty chill, he teases Shen Yuan for his BingGe obsession. Shen Yuan doesn't want to be a dick, so he doesn't really slag it off as much as he would online? And Study Buddy LIKES talking about the monsters and how cool Bing-gege is!! Maybe they talk enough that Shen Yuan figures maybe there's a reason he was never into wife plots? Maybe he's actually just... Not into... You know.... Girls? That way??? And Study Buddy is super chill? And maybe it's okay to talk about that stuff???

Meanwhile he's still chatting with airplane, who gets invited to attend a con to be on some kind of panel. He asks cucumber-bro along because he's shitting BRICKS, and he wants someone there who will, like... be in his corner?

Turns out Shen Yuan already has tickets because he and his study buddy were planning to go!

Oh, and look at that! He and airplane are booked at the same hotel! It's convenient!

They decide to meet in the lobby.

Shen Yuan and his study buddy go to their separate rooms to freshen up and rest, with a plan to meet for breakfast. Thirty minutes later, they're both back in the lobby.

Both of them are "waiting for someone."

Both of their "someones" are running LATE.

Shen yuan messages Airplane.

Study Buddy's phone buzzes.

Their eyes meet.

No fucking WAY. this is the guy who talked him through his LBH inspired GAY AWAKENING!! The friendly and supportive "bro" he has COMPLICATED FEELINGS ABOUT??? And that's AIRPLANE?

He literally spent five minutes TALKING ABOUT LBH'S MUSCULAR CHEST AND STAR STUDDED GAZE... to AIRPLANE????

Has he really spent MONTHS coming to the terms with the fact that AIRPLANE is kinda....

Could Bingge maybe portal in with Xin Mo and drag Shen Yuan to hell, because he can't deal with this 🫠🫠🫠🫠🫠

I keep imagining a distant future where sqh and sqq are sitting together with their new husbands and they start over sharing shit.

Sqh sais something along the lines of "oh yeah sqq and i actually bonded over some duo cultivation manual i was writing. He helped me point out flaws ans inconveniences ect, and in such great details.. Aaah the joyous days right sqq?"

And suddenly they're both banned from seeing each other, But they meet up anw to get drunk and they start laughing abt how they're star crossed lovers or how abt they're not Allowed to meet again. And one thing leads to another until they're drunk and walking around calling each other my Romeo and my Juliette.

Their husbands lose their minds obv because they think they went back to their exes even if they can't understand the references.

Sqq wakes up to a crying (and pretty much suicidal) lbh in some sort of.... Dungeon???? 😨

Sqh is just tied to a bed in frozen mountain with no source of heat but......mobei's deamon blood or something.

I am also a sucker for your top 10 worldbuilding posts so here's another one: top 10 times the media got some TMI on Victor and Yuuri's relationship (and does it include Victor drunkenly revealing they switch to tabloids and Chris' speech at the wedding about where they've done the nasty?)

The wedding was strictly family and friends only so Chris’speech never got made public (Yuuri would have died if it did!) but there havebeen several incidents where the media learned a lot more about Viktor andYuuri than they ever expected.

Top 10 Times The Media Got Some TMI On Victor and Yuuri’s Relationship:

10) Once - when Yuuri was competing in the Four Continentsand Viktor was on the side-lines to cheer him on - during the warm up Yuuri waspracticing his quad flip over and over to make sure he got it right whileViktor was doing an interview at the side of the rink and the reporter sort ofoffhandedly mentioned ‘oh, Katsuki has been doing jumps for a while now and hedoesn’t even look tired, I guess it must be true that he has really goodstamina’ and Viktor just went really dreamy eyed and said ‘yes’ whilecompletely ignoring the interviewer and gazing at Yuuri. And the reporter andthe camera man just ended up looking at each other like ‘should we finish theinterview or just let him keep daydreaming about his sex life?’

9) During the season after the end of chapter 14 Viktor’sexhibition skate was the Stay Close To Me duet and afterwards one of thereporters asked Yuuri ‘were you ever concerned about doing the lifts during the routine?Were you sure Nikiforov was going to be able to hold your weight or were youworried he might drop you?’. And Yuuri was just like ‘No, I had faith in himand we already knew he could lift me up pretty easily anyway’ which he probablywould have gotten away with if he hadn’t proceeded to go bright red afterwardswhen he realised what he’d said and everyone who watched it was like ‘we kindof really want to know but at the same time we probably really don’t.’

8) After Viktor finally retired he was doing a jointinterview with Yuuri and one of the reporters asked him if he was concernedabout maintaining his physical condition now that he wasn’t competing anymore becauselots of athletes have a hard time adjusting once they stop such vigoroustraining regimes. And Viktor was just like, ‘I’m sure it won’t be a problem, I’llstill be getting some pretty intense regular exercise even if I’m not traininganymore’ and winked at Yuuri and Yuuri started blushing really badly while allthe reporters went into minor meltdowns

7) Once they ended up being caught by reporters a few daysafter Viktor’s birthday when they were out taking the dogs for a walk and itwas mostly fine but one of the reporters asked Yuuri what he had given Viktoras a birthday present and they both went bright red and Yuuri sort of mumbled ahurried and fake sounding answer that probably wasn’t even in English andpractically sprinted off. No-one ever found out exactly what Viktor’s ‘present’was but there was a lot of speculation and the general consensus became thatYuuri Katsuki was probably a lot kinkier than anyone ever expected and ViktorNikiforov was a very lucky guy.  

6) This one came in a series of tweets from a fan who was inan upmarket hotel bar which basically consisted of, ‘oh my god Viktor Nikiforovis in the same bar as I am what should I do?’ ‘He’s sitting alone do you thinkI should go and talk to him? Would it be weird to ask for his autograph?’ ‘Iwonder why Katsuki isn’t with him, it’s the off season I thought they’d betogether’ ‘Oh my god I just noticed he isn’t wearing his ring what does thismean?’ ‘He just started to talk to a guy who sat down next to him and he’sbeing really flirty oh my god.’ ‘Is Viktor Nikiforov having an affair????’ ‘Help,red alert I’ve just seen Viktor Nikiforov in a bar chatting up some random guywithout his ring on what do I do?’ ‘Oh wait a minute the guy he was talking tojust turned around and it turns out it was actually Katsuki after all. Panicover.’ ‘Wait a minute Katsuki isn’t wearing his ring either, they can’t haveboth lost them at the same time can they?’ ‘They’re acting really weirdlythough and they’re dressed differently too I’m confused but I don’t want to interrupt’*several minutes pause* ‘Well something I definitely didn’t expect to happentonight was finding out that Katsuki and Nikiforov are apparently into roleplay but you learn something new every day.’

5) After being apart for a long time during the skatingseason they finally reunited at an airport and it was all very dramatic andViktor ended up kissing Yuuri really passionately for a really long time. Andwhen they broke away Yuuri was like ‘that reminded me of our first kiss, afterthe competition in Saitama.’ And Viktor was like ‘I did a lot more than just kissyou then solnyshko’ being all sly and flirty and then they both sort of frozeas they realised that A) they were in a very public airport which is not a goodplace to be heavily flirting even if you have been apart for several months andB ) Several people were not so discreetly filming them. And that was how theworld learned exactly when and where Viktor and Yuuri got it on for the firsttime.

4) During thefour continents after they first got together Viktor ended up doing the thingin he did in the anime where he tied Yuuri’s laces and kissed his skates whilebeing there to support him. And at that point their public relationship wasstill only a few months old so while the reaction was mainly positive therewere still some assholes who were salty about the whole thing including one trashytabloid reporter who cornered Yuuri after his skate who was obviously a die-hardViktor fan and didn’t like him or their relationship at all. And while Yuuri isusually quiet and shy and likes to keep as much about their relationshipprivate as he can because he doesn’t want the world butting in, he also isabsolutely savage when he wants to be and after going through so much tofinally get together with Viktor he is not willing to take any shit fromanyone. So the reporter was being really bitchy and asking questions like ‘don’tyou think it’s a bit degrading to make Viktor Nikiforov get down on his kneesfor you?’ and Yuuri just really calmly said ‘not really, he likes it too much’,smiled and walked away. The video clip of it happening has several millionviews.

3) At one point Viktor and Yuuri were on the beach atHasetsu and Viktor took a picture of Yuuri in his boxers (they had forgottentheir swimming stuff but got too hot and went to cool off in the sea) andnothing else while laughing on the beach. And while 99.9% of the comments wereall along the lines of ‘goddamn’, ‘please step on me’ and ‘Yuuri Katsuki with hisshirt off is a gift to humanity’ there were a couple off assholes who werecommenting on the stretch marks on Yuuri’s thighs. Because he was a naturallychubby kid with a lot of puppy fat and went from that to a lean athleticteenager in a very short space of time so he has them although they’re not thatnoticeable. And Viktor doesn’t usually care when people are rude to him onlinebecause there are always a few shitty people out there but it really pisses himoff when someone insults Yuuri. So when someone tweeted him like ‘you’re reallyhot, why do you bother with someone with ugly stretch marks like Katsuki?’ he respondswith ‘I love every part of my boyfriend including his marks. I especially liketo kiss them every night when his thighs are wrapped round my head.’ whichpretty much shut all the haters up there and then. Yuuri hit him with a pillowfor it afterwards but he was secretly kind of pleased.

2) The day after one of the major competitions Yuuri wasgiving an interview and the interviewer asked ‘now that the competition is overhas the tiredness set in yet and are you ready to go home or are you stillriding high on the adrenaline from last night?’ and Chris, who happened to bewalking past at that moment, was just like ‘well he was certainly ridingsomething last night but it wasn’t the adrenaline.’ Yuuri’s expression after hesaid it became a popular reaction picture for when someone looks like theyphysically want to die of embarrassment.

1) The incident I mentioned in a previous ask where a tipsyViktor ends up getting interviewed by a tabloid reporter when his tongue islooser than usual so when she asks ‘are you the top or the bottom in yourrelationship’ aka the question everyone else wanted to ask but was way toopolite and respectful to, he just winked and said ‘why pick just one.’ And thatwas how the world found out that Viktor and Yuuri switch.

"Why are you putting this on me?" Shang Qinghua whined, face twisting attractively. Wow, Shen Qingqiu did not realize he looked that pretty from the outside. "I'm not responsible for every single thing that happens, okay!"

Shen Qingqiu glared at him before turning around and flouncing back into Shang Qinghua's bedchambers to try and figure out how to put his hair up. His friend's hair was pretty similar to Binghe's, but he had never had to do it for himself before. Shang Qinghua followed him, idly playing with his favorite fan.

A blue screen flickered in front of him as soon as they both stepped inside.

[Scenario started: Shizun Swap! Hosts have switched bodies and they must find a way to switch back or risk being stuck like this forever!]

"What."

[Good luck, Host!]

No amount of threats brought the shitty thing back. Shen Qingqiu didn't know whether to laugh or cry. Why did the Systems love to torment them like this?

"Cucumber-bro!" Shang Qinghua whispered fiercely, pounding on the door. "Bro, open up!"

He smiled nervously at an An Ding disciple peering at him from behind a stack of scrolls. Upon seeing the disciple's eyes widen, he quickly blanked his face, though he continued to sweat nervously.

Right, he wasn't allowed to do anything but stare menacingly or smirk right now, while in this body.

Finally, the door opened a crack and a hand reached out to grab him by the robes, pulling him inside. Shang Qinghua quickly smoothed out his now-crumpled green robes and looked up, coming face to face with... himself.

"Shang Qinghua. What the fuck did you do?" Shen Qingqiu asked, hazel eyes flashing.

today in gym, we’re playing deathball. objective: survive. 💀💀💀 #deathball #gymclass #sendhelp https://www.instagram.com/p/BurXIBMniIb/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=2d9845wh1zf3

you're an absolute genius, im stealing that tag forevermore

okay but I kinda need read a fic where Shen Yuan is wife plotted (AGAIN) by some random papapa plant (dammit Airplane--) and he basically falls into a floating coma or something. on a hunt for some rare herbs with liu qingge, he's lured by the sound of his Binghe's (his lost little lamb) voice and ends up ensnared.

okay, imagine that he's being held high in the air by these vines, just asleep, and nothing can wake him, even after liu qingge cuts the monster plant down to get him. he's just sleeping, rosy-cheeked, unwakeable.

peak lords panic, and start trying to figure it out what this rare plant is. sqh wracks his brain somewhat and somewhat remembers this plot line.

they come to the conclusion that its the everlasting dreams flower or some shit. basically traps the victim in their dreams while it sucks out their qi until the person dies of dehydration/starvation or qi loss, whichever kills them first (sometimes, its not the latter, and if the person is a cultivator, they can last a while before their qi is fully drained enough that they can no longer practice inedia but also haven't died yet). meanwhile, the person won't even care because their dreams are so sweet, that they don't want to leave.

the only way to cure it? true love's song. someone who truly knows and loves the sleeper needs to sing something from the heart, and if it's pure enough or something, it can pierce through the pleasant dreams of the person and wake them up. yqy and lqg instantly become flustered, but both of them can't help but secretly wonder how it would feel to have Xiao jiu/shen-shixiong wake up at their song.

they confer with the rest of the peak lords a little outside of shen yuan's resting rooms on the Qian Cao peak, and yqy decides to sing a little lullaby he used to sing to Xiao jiu when they were still on the streets. he goes in, his voice is a steady but a bit nervous, but he croons that shit out. airplane can't believe his fucking ears. yqy could honestly be an idol its not fair wtf-- only, sqh knows he can't dance to save his fucking life, so.

when yqy finishes, he waits, but his heart sinks when Xiao jiu doesn't so much as stir. he hurries out of the room but sqh notices how the tips of his ears are red in embarrassment. of course, even when he still had his memory, Xiao jiu wanted nothing to do with him, why did he think it would change now, he just--

lqj goes in next. he murmurs a song that he constantly hears sqq sometimes strumming on his guqin, thinking that means sqq must love the song. he's not sure what else he can do, he doesn't know how to sing from the heart, but the feelings he has for his shixiong... he has to at least try to wake him.

he doesn't wake. lqj walks out in defeat.

airplane who has been wracking his brain all this time because he was trying to think of requirements for awakening so he wasn't paying attention suddenly jumps up. he doesn't mind the startled glances that the other peak lords give him.

he just remembered!

the song didn't have to be a romantic song or anything. the love for the sleeper didn't have to be romantic love, at all! he remembered this plot line that he added about binghe trying to wake one of his wives, but it was one of the wives' sisters that woke her, because she truly loved her sister deeply. causing binghe to realize that his love was becoming shallow, in that it wasn't enough anymore or blah blah blah. he scrapped that plot line and that plant after he got a ton of bad reviews for even suggestion that lbh's love (pillar) wasn't big enough and so he had lbh fix it with papapa, but whatever!

he shivered.

anyway, the story has been so warped over time that its only told that it has to be a romantic lover. but it didn't have to be.

he had an idea. he loved Shen Yuan! despite the rocky start, their shared transmigration and experiences led them to form a closer relationship, and Shen Yuan was his best friend. he knew him wholly, both in his bitchiness of Cucumber-bro of their old lives, and in the snarky-masquerading-as-pretentious SQQ he was in their new lives. He knew him as a whole of Shen Yuan, not as Xiao Jiu, or as the original goods.

and also, both he and Shen Yuan had discovered they both liked some similar songs during one of their weekly private meetings a few weeks ago, while Shen Yuan was there under the guise of planning their eventual escapes, but was actually just drinking up all his wine and ransacking his snacks.

he's got this! (he hopes.) (he would quite not like his bro to die from an unwakeable coma.)

confidently, with incredulous stares following him, he walks into the room and sits at shen yuan's bedside. and proceeded to sing, as smoothly as he could, a vocaloid love song. if nothing else, it might shock Shen Yuan awake to hear a random ass vocaloid song in his dreams. the lyrics are actually pretty sweet and soft, but he can't stop imagining the music behind it, making it funnier than it should be to sing it.

[Shen Yuan, whose dreamscape has become completely synchronized to his current living conditions and so he dreams of the serene bamboo hut: *sitting at his table with binghe pouring him more tea* *sudden hatsune fucking miku disturbing the atmosphere*

Shen Yuan: 👁️👄👁️]

while he tries not to giggle as the song comes to an end, the stares of the other peak lords boring into his back from the doorway (he can just hear them thinking, "yqy and lqg couldn't wake him up but you think you can?" but maybe that's just his imagination. or maybe they think the song is shitty, what does he know--), shen yuan's eyes flutter open.

airplane, who didn't think this would actually actually work (though he hoped), gapes at him. Shen Yuan, eyes half lidded from sleep, gazes back.

"uh..."

"The everlasting dreams flower, really? That was a really good plot line, can't believe you, ah," Shen Yuan yawns, "dropped it in favor of more papapa as always, you shitty author." He can't catch a break. Why did he wake this guy up again?

"he's awake!?" multiple voices cry out.

THUMP. yqy has fainted.

they both have forgotten their audience. liu qingge has goes outside to punch a tree. the other peak lords are in various states of disarray, disbelief, and discomfort. liu minyan has appeared out of nowhere to take notes. mu qingfāng rolls his eyes and comes in to check shen-shenanigans's meridians.

"Can't believed that shit worked, honestly," Shen Yuan says, eyeing one of the older disciples try to drag YQY to a cot. he is starting to rouse. "hatsune miku, really?"

"aw! well now you know how deeply and purely I love you, shixiong!"

THUMP. YQY has fainted again.

more sounds of breaking trees from outside. mu qingfāng warily calls out a warning to avoid his good medicinal trees, thanks.

after a while of conversation, with eyes closing a bit once more, from exhaustion, rather than the plant poison, Shen Yuan gives Shang Qinghua a small smile. As his eyes flutter shut again, he says, "I love you too, bro."

One of the things that tickles me about SJ and SY fics is that well, sometimes they're brothers, sometimes they're parent and kid, etc, but the overall vibe is usually consistent like:

Older Bro Shen Jiu: this is my idiot didi, if any of you fuckers corrupt him I will bite out your throats.

Younger Bro Shen Jiu: this my idiot gege, if any of you fuckers corrupt him I will bite out your throats.

Father Shen Jiu: this is my idiot son, if any of you fuckers corrupt him I will bite out your throats.

Son Shen Jiu: this is my idiot father, if any of you fuckers corrupt him I will bite out your throats.

Shizun Shen Jiu: this is my idiot head disciple, if any of you fuckers corrupt him I will bite out your throats.

Boyfriend Shen Jiu: this is some idiot I've never met before in my life, if any of you fuckers corrupt him I will bite out your throats.

Every Shen Yuan Regardless: please stop threatening to bite out peoples throats, oh my god this is the shit that will get you killed, DO NOT KICK THAT CHILD WTF IS WRONG WITH YOU I am trying to save your life here! (」°ロ°)」

What about airplane getting hit by wife plots

He spends a lot of time in the demon realm, it's more likely for him to run into sex pollens and nasty entities who put weird curses on him while he's just a little guy trying to fix his king's kingdom.

He brings home precious plants and potions to keep safe for his king or for himself for emergencies. Oops, accidentally inhaled something weird from the secret stash while sorting through it and now he needs to be taken, that's the only way it works (who wrote this shit????????)

Mobie jun is out of question, Airplane will smell like demon for days and he cannot contact/bother him with this, not to mention that's purely marital activities which he cannot ask his king to engage in! That's his king and Airplane is but a lowly servant.

So.. Cucumber bro is the only safe bet. He has modern sensibilities. He won't kick up fuss about casual sex which is also not casual but life saving.

He flies to his bro's peak, half crazed and kicks down the door, startling him and his son's lesson. Oops. His dear son will have to practice on his own, sorry protagonist, Airplane needs touch and he needs it now.

Cucumber bro taps him on the head with his stupid fan which only makes him fall into his arms with fervor. Three privacy barriers, two noise cancelling tailsman and a verbal lashing later, Cucumber bro finally lets their mouths meet and the relief is heavenly.

Peak Lord Shang Qinghua passes out fucked out of his mind (and the poison) and Master Shen refuses to answer his door till later in afternoon next day because his place smells so strongly of sex.

Stupid hack writer falling victim to his own writing. Get fucked. He thinks with satisfaction.

“you’re gonna be okay Buck, they’re gonna need you. I love you kid.” I’m KILLING myself let’s all KILL OURSELVES