“A Healthy Relationship Is Where Two Independent People Just Make A Deal That They Will Help The Other

If you’re constantly doubting who God is, it’s because you’re allowing life to speak louder than truth.

Wise things my sister has told me (friendship edition)

You hurt so much in friendships because you are more invested in it than they are or they care to be. Not everyone considers friendship to be such a precious and important relationship in their life and you need to be aware of that before you open your heart to people. 

When someone is being vulnerable with you, it says more about you than it does about them. It shows that you make them feel comfortable and like it’s a safe space and that you will not judge them or go around spreading rumours. They trust you. Because you are a trustworthy and emotionally mature person. 

You don’t need to have a huge showdown sort of confrontation with someone before deciding to distance yourself from them. You can decide that in your own head. Since you are neither ghosting them nor turning on them, you are not required to talk it out. You are simply toning down your affection towards them because now you see them for who they are. 

You need more people in your life who see you as an equal. And that can only happen when they are not so severely insecure. Insecurity comes out in two ways. One, where they put you down, are cocky and entitled and selfish. They think they are better than you. These are commonly recognized as narcissistic traits. But the second way is less known. It is when they are low on self-confidence and compare everything you do with what they do and then secretly try to copy that and never even acknowledge it. It is when they try to suck you dry, take everything they can from you to become ‘better’ and then pretend like you don’t exist. 

The number of times I've changed my ringtone to make it peaceful is insane.

The moment I hear my ringtone, all the peace and silence leaves me with the coming onset of dread and anxiety.

At age 23, Tina Fey was working at a YMCA. At age 23, Oprah was fired from her first reporting job.  At age 24, Stephen King was working as a janitor and living in a trailer. 

At age 27, Vincent Van Gogh failed as a missionary and decided to go to art school.   At age 28, J.K. Rowling was a suicidal single parent living on welfare.

At age 28, Wayne Coyne ( from The Flaming Lips) was a fry cook. At age 30, Harrison Ford was a carpenter.  At age 30, Martha Stewart was a stockbroker.  At age 37, Ang Lee was a stay-at-home-dad working odd jobs. Julia Child released her first cookbook at age 39, and got her own cooking show at age 51. Vera Wang failed to make the Olympic figure skating team, didn’t get the Editor-in-Chief position at Vogue, and designed her first dress at age 40. Stan Lee didn’t release his first big comic book until he was 40. Alan Rickman gave up his graphic design career and landed his first movie role at age 42. Samuel L. Jackson didn’t get his first major movie role until he was 46.

Morgan Freeman landed his first major movie role at age 52. Kathryn Bigelow won the Academy Award for Best Director when she made The Hurt Locker at age 57. Grandma Moses didn’t begin her painting career until age 76. Louise Bourgeois didn’t become a famous artist until she was 78. Whatever your dream is, it is not too late to achieve it. You aren’t a failure because you haven’t found fame and fortune by the age of 21. Hell, it’s okay if you don’t even know what your dream is yet. Even if you’re flipping burgers, waiting tables or answering phones today, you never know where you’ll end up tomorrow. Never tell yourself you’re too old to make it. 

Never tell yourself you missed your chance. 

Never tell yourself that you aren’t good enough. 

You can do it. Whatever it is. 

i hated - hated - my 7th grade english teacher, but he did say something that has stuck with me this whole time: the actual mark of maturity in someone is whether they take responsibility.

over time, this has become something i find to apply to too-many things. this weighty, complicated thing - responsible. almost direct from the latin respondere - the verb for "to answer to".

taking responsibility is not just "being in control of". it also means being gentle. being able to apologize. being able to accept fault. to notice your own actions and change them to be better. it is not just saying "ah fuck i dropped the plate," it is saying "okay, i'll go get the broom."

at 16, when her parents tell her i put a roof over your head, she spends that night curled in my lap, sobbing, trying to articulate something too-heavy-for-words - that they think responsibility is just about obligation; that she is bound to them because they are responsible for her. that she feels, over and over, responsible for their emotions. that she spends hours cartwheeling over eggshells, feeling the drip of their expectations slowly sushing down her body.

according to my mom, responsibility and privilege are partners. this is probably true. a car (privilege) is a weapon if used (responsibility) incorrectly. my dog is my responsibility, and he brings me the privilege of hours spent in sunshine. there are, though, a lot of times people are given one without the other - the privilege, and no responsibility for their actions. the responsibility, and nothing but hours of obligation, over-and-over. i have also learned: there is a difference between fault and responsibility. this will be important for you at some point, if you are watching.

at 21, when i am begging him again to just listen, i am asking him to take responsibility for the span of our relationship. for the ways he has shoved thorns into every part of my body. i come across as needy, because it is my job to be responsible for the relationship - somehow, he has escaped that. it is always my job to ask for help. to beg for him to just put in any-ounce-of-more.

how easily responsibility becomes assumed. it is the responsibility of the [ ] to take care of dinner. it is the responsibility of the [ ] to get groceries, to clean the house, to mealplan, to do laundry. it is the responsibility of the [ ] to wear smart clothing. it is the responsibility of the [ ] to blend in with the rest of society.

at 25, it is happening again. this is a different man in a different city, and the responsibility is one that is demanded of me. he tells me he will skip off the world and into the darkness if i break his heart, no matter how much he breaks mine. i am back to begging - get help, get better, i cannot lift you if you do not try to stand with me. i am also responsible for myself - and then, suddenly, responsible for the entire life of somebody. i remember sitting there asking him - when will it be your turn to do the carrying? and the way he wrinkled his nose at me. i would laugh-cry: i feel like i'm your mother and he would start gagging. nothing would change. still running after him, making sure he washed his clothes and took care of himself and made those appointments and did anything. my own health was suffering.

a lot of discussion about consequence is really a discussion of responsibility. i am an internet poet. i made a little hellsite my unfortunately-unpaid home. i believe, in my heart of hearts - make what you want, but be responsible for it. whenever we make things, we are bound to them, end of story. this is a real-life thing. watch who in your life hates having responsibility. watch the way they expect other people to have responsibility. this sense they have: that responsibility is punishment, is unfair to unload on them. that someone else should do the carrying.

i am 26 at the start of 2020. we all know what happens then. the average person is asked to take responsibility. for many, this is second-nature. simple. occasionally annoying, but eventually habitual. for many others, though, this is their great and honest reckoning. they misunderstand civil liberty to mean - a land where everything, always, is just-about-me. on a personal level, when i am not absolutely livid about this population, i am sort-of sad for them. one of the good things about responsibility is that it builds community. each of these people, one at a time, has been making the same statement: i am alone in this world. i am blisteringly, horribly lonely.

i have noticed, over time - the way that responsibility is borne. how careful i have to be as a queer cuban writer. how careful some asshole on twitter is-not-careful-at-all. knowing that if i am too-loud. abrasive, unflattering: i could make my whole community responsible for my behavior. that people would read my work and say - see! this is why there aren't that many of these types of writers. that others can make bigger, bolder mistakes - but it will just be their mistake to make; their-singular-responsibility. that what i am "careful" about is making my posts well-researched, thought-out, accessible, funny. that what others are rabidly angry about being careful about - that they would suddenly become responsible for bigotry. this horrible sense: you have no idea what it means to be forced to bear this weight, and you find it terrifying.

i have been responsible for a long time. laughing, i tell my therapist eldest daughter, middle child syndrome. i was a latchkey kid. i was the first one home and had to be sure i got the fire lit or there wasn't heat. written like that, it sounds like something from charles dickens: alone, shivering in a house that isn't home, feeding tinder to the back of the wood stove. i have been a delight to have in class. i was always charmingly responsible. i have had-to-be. there was no other option.

burnout is high, i'm told. over and over, the media paints people like me as being responsible for how we are treated. they will say it's not your fault, but we all know they think it is my responsibility. people are violent to me; it is my responsibility to be a more properly-trained minority. my boss is cruel; it's my responsibility to find a new job or just go hungry. it is not the responsibility of others to help me figure out my medical debt, i should try asking more questions at the pharmacy. it is not the responsibility of public schools to help students get an education - it is the responsibility of 17-year-olds to sign into a lifetime of debt. it is not the responsibility of the government to protect my right to choose; it's my responsibility to simply not get into any situation that might require me having an opinion. it's satisfying to watch the general, quiet strike of minimum-wage workers: the way others, confused, are demanding the same question - why aren't other people taking responsibility for the things i don't want to do myself?

the other day, i saw a post from someone who hurt me. it was sort of embarrassingly on-the-nose. he's kissing someone new now (god protect her). under the two of them smiling, the caption reads: thank you to this responsible, beautiful queen for constantly taking care of me.

now be honest. answer the following. fill in the blanks. bring your truth to your throat and keep her. 1. in general, it is normal for a [ ] to have more responsibility than a [ ]. 2. you are responsible for [ ]. 3. when you tell [ ] to take responsibility, they will say [ ]. 4. in your life, it is normal for [ ] to take responsibility. 5. when did that start? 6. and how is it going?

Hey babe what are some things that you think would be a good investment when improving your lifestyle?

- Healthy foods and kitchen essentials: I bought a huge NutriBullet kit on sale the other day for $99 and it was one of the best investments I’ve made. It incentivises me to make green smoothies in the morning with ingredients that make my skin clearer, energy better, etc. I recommend investing in obviously fruits and vegetables on the regular, but also things like vitamins, super greens powder, protein powder, white tea and green tea, a portable thermos to drink tea anywhere at any time (I have a cute one from Lululemon), rolled oats, bamboo straws, maca powder, raw cocoa, and then of course nutritious groceries. I like buying sourdough bread, avocado, lemon, feta cheese, eggs, chicken, jasmine rice and fruit regularly.

- invest in your HAIR. It’s worth spending several hundred dollars a year on an excellent cut and colour. If you can afford it, get regular blow dries, but I choose not to (I definitely will when budget allows for it comfortably). Please don’t dye your hair at home lol. Getting your hair done at a good salon makes it look expensive. Get a treatment too if you need one. Ultimately, the right investments in your hair should make it look more expensive, and make it more LOW maintenance on a daily basis. It’s also worth investing in an excellent hairbrush (I use the Aveda wooden paddle brush which was around $60 or so), and hair oil (Moroccanoil argan oil is the best I’ve found and used, it’s about $70-80 if I remember correctly, def worth it). These two products make your daily routine more seamless and effective and give you long term healthier, shinier hair.

- Gym or fitness membership: I pay $25 for a membership at a studio in the city which includes unlimited Pilates, barre, yoga and HIIT classes. I don’t enjoy traditional gym anymore so I found something that works for me, and is only 10 mins from my house. This is seriously a non negotiable, even if you have no fitness goals or aesthetic goals for your body, having a fitness routine adds an element of structure and wellbeing to your daily life. It enriches it with community, and improved health benefits. If you’re trying to lose weight or tone up, definitely a must. Keep searching until you find the perfect place, and secure that membership.

- An everyday tote bag: personally I don’t carry a handbag in my day to day life generally. An ordinary day in my life would include a balance of work, gym and university, so I need a lot of space in my bag for a change of clothes, makeup bag, books, laptop, hairbrush, food, water bottle, wallet etc. I carry the ‘Deluxe Gum Bag’ from Lorna Jane which is THE MOST AMAZING bag ever. It’s insanely sturdy and carries SO MUCH. It’s also super chic and stylish. This bag is literally my life lol, it’s been with me through thick and thin 😂 if I’m only going to work or uni or running errands, I’ll just carry a canvas tote bag, like my New Yorker tote. Something lightweight and chic. So, investing in the right everyday bag(s) is life changing.

- Makeup: I use the same 5 makeup products everyday. All high end and all very reliable/high quality. They’ve lasted me ages and definitely given me a bang for their buck. I recommend investing in a good tinted moisturiser (don’t recommend foundation), bronzer, powder, eyeliner, mascara, lipliner, eyeshadow palette and eyebrow pencil. My approach to makeup has been more ‘quality over quantity’. I probably buy a new piece of makeup once a year. When you buy high end products, you don’t need to replace them so frequently. I recently purged my collection and now only have a moderate amount of high end products I would realistically use. The brands I recommend are NARS, Laura Mercier, MAC, Charlotte Tilbury, Benefit, Too Faced, Chanel, Hourglass, Tarte, Dior and It Cosmetics.

- High quality bedding: when I moved into my new place I spent $600 on top notch bedding with zero qualms. Do NOT underestimate the importance of quality, linen or cotton bedding. I went to the Sheridan outlet and bought cotton quilt, bedsheets, towels, mattress protector, pillows and pillowcases, and quilt cover. Cotton bedding is breathable and soft on your skin, prevents nasty bedbugs and illnesses they transmit, and drastically improves your quality of sleep and life overall. Polyester cheap bedding will over time destroy your skin and leave you prone to bedbugs and difficult sleep! It was SUCH a good investment and now I sleep like a baby every night.

- Silk pillowcase: I purchased the Slip silk pillowcase and ever since I’ve seen improvements in my hair and skin. Both are smoother and softer. Other pillowcases can truly wreak havoc on your hair and cause wrinkles over time. Plus it feels so luxurious and incredible to wake up on silk every morning!

- Educational subscriptions: I’m subscribed to the New York Times, the New Yorker, and Medium. These add immense value to my daily life. On the bus or train I can open the app and educate myself endlessly on a huge variety of topics and disciplines. Buying the right subscriptions enriches your life with cultural and social awareness, a better vocabulary, a stronger ability to communicate with all types of people on a variety of topics, and exposure to eloquent, articulate verbal communication.

- Quality tech to enhance your learning: for me, this meant investing in AirPods to listen to podcasts all day long, anywhere I am. My Apple Watch also helps me keep track of my physical activity and amplify/monitor it on a daily basis. The right tech accessories can seriously level up your daily life and learning. I recommend investing in a Kindle, good headphones/AirPods, MacBook, Fitbit etc. having one or more of these staples helps make your learning more seamless, motivating and convenient.

Hope this list helps! There a probably a lot more (like quality shoes, books, hair extensions etc) but these are the essentials I think are worth the investment for maximised daily usefulness and value to my routine.

Red Cantonese bear dog

(via)

The Full Potential Challenge

Ever wonder what your life would be like if you lived up to your full potential? Would your body be healthier? Your skin clearer? Bank account bigger? I think about these things all the time, and, judging my a previous post, you guys do to. Below is a chart designed to help all of us live up to our full potential. I’ve broken it down into time frames to help keep you from getting overwhelmed. Write the chart down and hang it someplace where you can see it all the time. I will be starting this challenge tomorrow, 9/8. I’ll check in with you guys every Sunday to track my progress. I have specific goals in mind for myself, and you guys should make some too! I really want to know how you guys are doing. Tag your progress posts with #sbfpc so I can track it and take a look. Let’s get to it!

EVERY MORNING

Stretch. First thing. Really give your body enough time to wake up. Touch your toes. Roll out your shoulders. Do not hit snooze!

Do your full skincare routine. I have mine detailed here, but do whatever works for you and your complexion. Be gentle and consistent. 

Brush your teeth and floss. I used to be a big floss-skipper too, but you’d be amazed at how dig of a difference it makes. Rinse with a whitening mouthwash. I use one by Crest, and I notice a major difference in my teeth’s overall whiteness in just a few days.

Give yourself enough time to get ready. Whether you’re a wash-and-go kind of girl, or someone who spends an hour doing a full contouring routine before class (and either one is fine!), make sure you aren’t rushing. If you need to wake up a few minutes earlier than normal, so be it. Rushing sets an awful, stressed-out tone for the rest of the day. Allow yourself to be relaxed before taking on the day.

Eat something. I’m not going to say eat a big breakfast, because some people (myself included) just can’t eat in the morning. But you should eat, or at least bring a little something with you to work or school. If you can’t eat a full breakfast, grab a fruit! You won’t be as hungry come lunch time, making you less likely to gorge yourself.

Shower. You can do this at night, in the morning, whatever. Again, this is something you should allow some time for. I don’t wash my hair every day, but I do condition it every day (from the ears down). Scrub yourself with a delicious-smelling body wash. If you shave, make yourself as smooth as a dolphin, dude. If you don’t, then don’t and don’t ever ever ever let anyone make you feel bad or weird about it. When you get out of the shower, wrap yourself in a fluffy towel and totally slather your sexy self with lotion. Top to bottom. Do it as soon as you can post-shower so it can really sink in. 

Put leave-in condition throughout your damp hair and comb it through.

Put on an outfit that makes you feel good! So important!

Drink water. Drink water. Drink water. Drink water!!!!!

Take a look at your daily to-do list. Knock out the most pressing stuff first. Take pride when you cross things off your list.

Make your bed! Oh my god, make your bed. Do it. Do it. Do it. 

EVERY AFTERNOON 

Follow the “touch it once” approach. This is a truly life-changing thing. When a task is in front of you, no matter how big or small, just do it right then and there. How many times have you gotten a work email or homework assignment and thought, “Eh, I’ll do it later”? And then later never comes? Once something pops up, do it once. Squash it and be done. Cross things off your list and feel like a badass.

Try to go for a walk at lunch. Even one little lap around the block or campus will reenergize you like nobody’s business. 

Drink water. Drink water. Drink water. Drink water!!!!!

Be present. This is so hard for me too, but you have to make a major effort to be present in whatever you’re doing. Be engaged and plugged-in and just exist in the moment. Give 100 percent.

Be friendly to friends and strangers. A smile goes a long way.

Eat something. Eat what you packed for lunch (see below) and take a break from working while you do it. You need “you time”!

EVERY EVENING

Take your makeup off as soon as you’re in for the night. Wash your face with your full routine and let your skin have a break. 

Workout. You can also do this in the morning. Whatever works for you. Make a great playlist and go hard af. Get your cardio in. Get your strength training in. Earn every freaking sweat bead forming on your forehead. Earn your shower!

Knock out your homework. Life is infinitely better you don’t have anything hanging over your head. Half the time, the energy and emotion you spent dreading/putting off your work is ten times worse than the work itself.

Make a list of what needs to be done tomorrow. It’ll set you up for success the next day, and you won’t forget anything!

Drink water. Drink water. Drink water. Drink water!!!!!

Lay out your clothes for tomorrow. This will save you SO MUCH TIME in the morning omg I can’t even tell you how important this is.

Eat something great. And once you’ve decided to be done eating for the night, be done. Brush your teeth so you can’t eat again.

After brushing, do a whitening treatment. Whether it’s classic baking soda, a Crest white strip, or a laser. Do something. And floss! Retainers in too, ladies 0:)

Relax! Take a few hours to do what YOU want to do. Scroll through Tumblr, binge on some Netflix, FaceTime gossip with your friends, anything. Do whatever makes you happiest. 

Shut the electronics off an hour before you want to go to bed. Put your phone on sleep mode. If you stare at the screen, it will keep you awake and alert and you won’t be able to fall asleep. A good night’s sleep is crucial for weightless and general happiness lol

Do a quick sweep of your room and see if there’s anything you can put away real quick. A clean space is a happy space.

Crawl into your bed (aren’t you happy you took the time to make it?!) and read a book by lamplight for a while. When you start to feel sleepy, go to sleep. Don’t push it. You kicked ass today and you deserve rest. 

EVERY WEEKEND

Do something with your friends. It just has to be one thing. Even if you’re just hanging out at the coffee shop, spending time with your squad will make you a better, happier person.

Drink water. Drink water. Drink water. Drink water!!!!!

Do something just for you. Set your laptop up in the bathroom and watch a Netflix marathon while you take a bubble bath. Buy an old school bottle of Mr. Bubbles ($3 at Target!) and really just soak. Relax. Light a candle.

Do something creative. You can read a book, write, blog, draw, code, anything. It just has to be something that speaks to your passion.

Track your progress. Just do this once a week so it doesn’t become all-consuming. And remember that non-scale victories are just as important as shedding pounds.

Take the time to be grateful. Tell your friend how much you admire her taste in music. Mention to your mom how much you love her cooking and how happy you are that she takes care of you. Thank your teaching after an especially interesting lecture. When you do something awesome, take a moment to admire yourself. Be grateful for even the little things.

Anything I missed? Reblog + add yours! Don’t forget to tag your progress!