“A Bird Sitting On A Tree Is Never Afraid Of The Branch Breaking Because Her Trust Is Not In The Branch

he’s not checking up on you…. go exfoliate and read a book

Wise things my sister has told me (friendship edition)

You hurt so much in friendships because you are more invested in it than they are or they care to be. Not everyone considers friendship to be such a precious and important relationship in their life and you need to be aware of that before you open your heart to people. 

When someone is being vulnerable with you, it says more about you than it does about them. It shows that you make them feel comfortable and like it’s a safe space and that you will not judge them or go around spreading rumours. They trust you. Because you are a trustworthy and emotionally mature person. 

You don’t need to have a huge showdown sort of confrontation with someone before deciding to distance yourself from them. You can decide that in your own head. Since you are neither ghosting them nor turning on them, you are not required to talk it out. You are simply toning down your affection towards them because now you see them for who they are. 

You need more people in your life who see you as an equal. And that can only happen when they are not so severely insecure. Insecurity comes out in two ways. One, where they put you down, are cocky and entitled and selfish. They think they are better than you. These are commonly recognized as narcissistic traits. But the second way is less known. It is when they are low on self-confidence and compare everything you do with what they do and then secretly try to copy that and never even acknowledge it. It is when they try to suck you dry, take everything they can from you to become ‘better’ and then pretend like you don’t exist. 

When thinking about life,

Remember this:

No amount of guilt can change the past

And no amount of anxiety can change the future.

Public speaking tips

…and tips for giving presentations

Today I want to share the things I learnt to make public speaking easier. Before I start, I want to say I’m naturally okay at talking to larger amounts of people. If you have severe social anxiety, these tips might not be for you and you might not find them that helpful. That’s okay! Work on your health and don’t feel bad if public speaking isn’t your thing.

Mistakes are okay and expected -You will fumble your words or forget some things. You will stutter or stay silent for a bit too long. You will notice a typo in your presentation. It’s okay and your audience won’t care. They won’t even notice most of the time. Don’t get consumed by your mistake. If it’s big, apologise and correct yourself. If it’s small, let go and continue with you speech/presentation.

Loosen up -Even the most serious talks and presentations are not THAT serious. Loosen up, joke a little bit (keep it in appropriate amounts of course), make fun of yourself a bit. This isn’t life or death situation and your audience will appreciate human approach 

They’re all just people -This follows up the previous point. Your audience is consisted of people who will understand when you make a mistake. People who want to see a pleasant human being on the other side. Large groups of people may look intimidating but they have the same thoughts and worries like you do. They will understand your feelings and mistakes

Move -Use your hands, be expressive! It creates a better connection with your audience. Also make sure to change the tone of your voice accordingly. Monotone speech won’t hold anyone’s attention

Look at your audience -Choose people to look at. Preferably people who are listening to you and are responsive, so you can feel the communication. Also, looking at individuals makes them listen and pay more attention

Loud and clear -Speak loudly and clearly. Make sure your voice carries well in the room and everyone can hear you well enough

Don’t read or recite -This one is especially important for presentations. Keep your notes or presentation simple. Reading or reciting things becomes boring very quickly and you will lose the attention of your audience

Don’t be afraid of pauses -People often make funny noises when they get stuck, simply to avoid being silent. Don’t be afraid of silence! It’s okay, take a pause to catch a breath or to remember a fact. Sometimes pauses can even work as a great dramatic tool

Know your topic -People have questions and that can be scary. Make sure you feel ready for those questions. Know what the fancy words in your presentation mean. Know a little more than you talk about. And if you don’t know the answer? Don’t panic, apologise, admit that you don’t know and offer a follow up on the subject later

Admit emotion -You can say that you’re nervous! You can admit your uncertainty. It’s okay! Once again: your audience is full of people who will relate to you

Get to know the room if you can -Familiar environment will make you feel better and a little more confident. Visit the room if you don’t know it already, if you can

Time will go by quickly -Before you start it seems really daunting and scary but it will go by and you’ll be done before you even notice! You’ll be okay, I promise. Even if it goes poorly, you’ll forget it eventually. It does not matter forever

I hope I helped and if you have more tips and adice, feel free to add!

Thesis 101: Condensed version

In my experience, there is always someone somewhere starting their thesis, or struggling to the thesis finish line, or stuck in that middle part where it’s hard work without the reward. If you are just getting started on your thesis (or another big project) and you feel a bit lost and overwhelmed: fear not, I have your back. I created a list of tips that I found useful while writing my MSc thesis (psychology).

Let me know if this was helpful and if you want more. I originally wanted to post a whole series of tips on different stages of the thesis process, so consider this the drastically condensed version of that.

Getting started

Find a lab that works on a topic that interests you and with a team that you feel comfortable with.

Make sure you know where to go with questions and get to know the structure.

Set up your goals from the beginning and make a planning.

The best thing you can do at the beginning of your thesis is figure out what you want, what your university requires, and how the project works.

Planning

Create a list of all the steps you need to take to finish your thesis and divide them over the time (months, weeks?) that you have until the deadline.

At the very beginning, discuss this schedule with your supervisor.

Create in-between deadlines, with your supervisor and also with yourself.

At the beginning of each month, write down what you should do each week.

At the beginning of each week, write down what you should do each day.

Make a list of things you need to do each day, preferably the night before, so you can start right when you sit down.

You could even calendar block if that’s your cup of tea.

Steps

Here’s an example from a psychology graduate (me):

Literature search/brain storm

Research question, hypotheses

Summarizing results into proposal

Make a plan

Learn how to analyze data

Execute plan (e.g., data collection)

Analyse data

Write down results

Draw conclusion

Revision, feedback, revision, feedback, revision!

 Reflection

Every week (or at whatever interval you prefer), sit down for 20 minutes and reflect on your progress. Ask yourself:

What did I do this week?

What went well?

What did not go as planned?

What can I do to improve next week?

What is on my to do list for the next week? What’s my focus? Are there things on the long run that I need to start working on?

Reflection keeps you on track but also allows you to think about what you learned in the process.

If you don’t have a job. You are workless, not worthless.

“Don’t you dare fucking touch my heart unless you plan to stay.”

— Unknown

Do you have tips to becoming more lady like/classy ?

(Keep in mind that this is simply from my own perspective and everyone’s definition of what is considered “classy” and “ladylike” varies.)

1. No drama! Classy women do not participate in drama or messy behavior of any kind. Of course, this doesn’t apply to serious matters like being threatened or assaulted or any kind of situation where your safety is at risk. Pick your battles wisely. Sometimes it is more than okay to say “You know what? I’m too grown for this.” Or “I’m too classy for this.” The last thing you want is your name attached to some mess that you could’ve simply chosen to ignore and not participate in. This goes for gossip as well. There are some celebrities who never have anything to say about anyone. Even when they’re asked outright, they’re smart about avoiding the question. What’s the point?

2. Discretion, discretion, discretion. When I think of women in the media who I consider to be classy and ladylike, they have several things in common, but the main one is that they’re discreet. They’re very careful about what they say, how they say it, and how they move in the public eye. Yes, I might consider them to be very ladylike individuals, but in truth, I really know nothing about them. The generic information like education and background and such might be out there for me to see, but when it comes to their personal life and ideals and opinions, I know next to nothing. And that’s how it should be! The whole world does not need to know your business or what you think of every insignificant thing that’s popular at the moment.

3. Time and place! Some people will tell you that classy women don’t listen to rap or rock or whatever other music they’ve deemed off limits to ladylike individuals, but I disagree. I think the true definition of class is knowing there is a time and place for everything. This goes for any kind of media you consume or any kind of way you choose to enjoy yourself. There’s no law on class that says you shouldn’t let loose and have fun, because you certainly can! As long as it’s understood that certain behaviors are not for certain spaces.

4. Manners! I cannot stress this enough, but manners will take you far. Make “please” and “thank you” a regular part of your vocabulary. Offer condolences to people you know who need it. Send thank you cards to people who have been a great help to you. Check on those close to you here and there. Be polite and show that you are a thankful individual.

5. This is sort of an extension of part 4, but be mindful of the things you say. Do not be the kind of person who only says things out of anger that you know you will regret hours later. Be respectful to those you love even if you’re mad at them (obviously this doesn’t apply to truly toxic and abusive situations but more so petty arguments that, in the grand scheme of things, really do not matter all that much). Even in more tame discussions, you don’t always have to say what’s on your mind. If it isn’t going to help someone, then ask yourself why you feel the need to say it? Furthermore, if there is something you feel needs to be said, there’s a way to be honest without being rude. Now yes, in some situations, you can’t spare someone else’s feelings. This is the truth, but there’s a way to stand your ground and get your point across without being malicious and ugly about it.

6. Carry yourself well. You’re poised and always put together and you’re articulate in how you express your thoughts. Please keep in mind that I do not mean you speak perfect and fluent English or anything like that. In my eyes, someone with broken English who knows more than one language will always be above a native English speaker who only knows English (sorry not sorry). You take the time to think about what you’re going to say before you say it so that you are heard and understood. You walk with confidence and hold your head high. You have wonderful etiquette.

7. Cut back on vulgarity. It’s going to ruffle some feathers, but I don’t consider constant swearing to be ladylike. I myself have stopped swearing as much as I used to. I really only swear in the privacy of my own home and it’s here and there (usually when I mess something up or hurt myself 😭). Let my coworkers tell it, I never swear, and the thought of me cursing doesn’t even sound right to them. Out in public, there’s also a way to say certain things. If I’m at a company dinner or something, I’m not going to tell everyone I need to go pee or do number 2 🤢 I’m going to politely say I need to excuse myself or as my aunt likes to say “I need to use the ladies room”. In addition, if you can’t get your point across without yelling, then you need to re-evaluate that. Again, this does not apply to truly toxic and abusive situations, but simple discussions and disagreements. You should be able to convey what you’re trying to say in a calm and respectful manner.

8. You mind your business! I do not mean in the selfish way of being unconcerned with the hardships your loved ones are facing, but I mean out and about. You’re not judging some random woman on what she’s wearing or some man on how he’s eating. You’re focused on yourself. If you’ve ever seen Gilmore Girls, there’s an episode in the first season when Dean first approaches Rory, and he tells her that he absolutely had to get to know her because he saw her reading a book one day, and all the while, there was a commotion with a fight and an ambulance and this whole big thing that captured everyone’s attention, but the entire time, she did not look up from that book even once. Now I’m not saying you have to be that extreme, because if there’s a fire or something serious, you need to know so you can skedaddle. But don’t always concern yourself with what everyone else is doing or how they’re behaving. Focus on your food, focus on your book, focus on your podcast. Just focus on you!

In one condition of the experiment, six flavors of jam were available for tasting: peach, black cherry, red currant, marmalade, kiwi, and lemon curd. In another condition, twenty-four flavors of jam were featured: the six flavors just mentioned plus eighteen others. In both conditions, customers who tasted the jam could then use a coupon to buy a jar at lower cost.

The key finding in the study was that the twenty-four-flavor table attracted more attention yet it resulted in fewer buyers. Shoppers flocked to the exciting array, yet most became overwhelmed and dropped out of buying jam altogether. Only 3 percent of those who visited the twenty-four-flavor table went on to buy jam. In contrast, shoppers who visited the six-flavor table were more able to decide which jar was right for them, with about 30 percent leaving the store with jam in hand.

The next week, I told Ian about the jam experiment and wondered aloud about whether he felt too overwhelmed by life’s purported possibilities to pick something.

“I do feel overwhelmed by the idea that I could do anything with my life,” he said.

“Then let’s get concrete. Let’s talk about choosing jam,” I offered.

“Am I at the six-flavor table or the twenty-four-flavor table?” he asked.

“That is an excellent question. I think part of making any decision in your twenties is realizing there is no twenty-four-flavor table. It’s a myth.”

“Why is it a myth?”

“Twentysomethings hear they are standing in front of a boundless array of choices. Being told you can do anything or go anywhere is like being in the ocean you described. It’s like standing in front of the twenty-four-flavor table. But I have yet to meet a twentysomething who has twenty-four truly viable options. Each person is choosing from his or her own six-flavor table, at best.”

Ian looked at me blankly, so I went on.

“You’ve spent more than two decades shaping who you are. You have experiences, interests, strengths, weaknesses, diplomas, hang-ups, priorities. You didn’t just this moment drop onto the planet or, as you put it, into the ocean. The past twenty-five years are relevant. You’re standing in front of six flavors of jam and you know something about whether you prefer kiwi or black cherry.”

- The Defining Decade by Meg Jay, PhD