EXACTLY HOW I FELT. I Love TWTTIN But Tim Would NEVER Do That Or Allow That To Happen Bffr 😭😭

I AM SEETHING, SHAKING, QUAKING EVEN. HOW DID I MISS THE BOOPS. THE ONE DAY I DON’T LOG ONTO TUMBLR. BRING BACK THE BOOPS PLEASE I NEED TO BOOP 🙏🙏😭😭😭

OMG THIS IS THE BEST PURLY FIC IVE EVER READ 😭😭😭 EVERYONE READ THIS ITS SO GOOD OMGOMGOMG IM GONNA COMBUST

The Outsiders Prompt Fic #12- I didn't know where else to go

This is for @ramennoodlezzzao3 who requested prompt eight with Ponyboy. Sorry for the wait, I hope you like this. I wrote it sleep deprived after work and it's unedited so I apologiz wfor any typos.

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Tap. Tap. Tap.

When Curly first hears the tapping on the window he thinks it’s his beloved Princess Chunko, aka the raccoon he’s been feeding and attempting to train for the past six months ever since Tim told him off for feeding her- the poor thing was a single mom who worked two jobs and Curly wasn’t heartless. He wasn’t about to let his girl down, ok?- and Angela said you couldn’t teach a raccoon tricks because ‘they aren’t like dogs, dumbass’. Shows what she knows. Curly’s managed to almost get Princess Chunko to shake his hand on command (she’ll do just about anything for leftover fries from McDonald’s), and she’s only bit him like, three times. 

However, when he pulls back the curtain (thank god Angel’s sleeping at her new boyfriend’s place tonight because she would be beyond pissed to get woken at one in the morning) it’s not his beloved furry princess he sees, instead it’s his beautiful, very human and also male princess. 

Right. He’s gotta be cool about this. Smart. Suave. Pony’s never come here so late at night before. Curly isn’t exactly at his best right now- he’d been planning to shower in the morning so he still smells like the desperation of high school and whatever boozy concoction Ma had thrown at him earlier- but he isn’t gonna like, turn Ponyboy down if he’s come here for a hookup. He’s not that stupid.

Except when he throws open the window he catches sight of the pure misery on Ponyboy’s face and all impure thoughts fly out of his head. (Ok, maybe not all of them- he’s a simple man and Ponyboy is Ponyboy and he’s also right there-  but  Curly is again not heartless so like 98% of the impure thoughts are banished. Maybe 97%.)

“Hey Ponyboy!”

Pony runs a hand through his hair. He sighs, and the sound is so tired it could give Tim a run for his money.

“Hey Curly, can I-” his eyes get shiny but he blinks hard and they’re normal again, “can I come in?”

Curly doesn’t bother answering, just grabs his best-friend-maybe-boyfriend-but we-haven’t-had-that-talk-yet-but-also-kiss-and-stuff under the arms and half drags, half lifts him through the window. Curly thanks his unlucky stars that Angel’s mattress is under the window because this was not an elegant maneuver, and Pony landed right on top of him. Like, right on top of him. Curly isn’t exactly complaining because this close he can see the freckle near Pony’s hairline and smell his toothpaste and whatever shampoo he uses, but Pony also completely knocked the wind out of him, and Curly’s is also a fifteen year old boy and attracted to Ponyboy so if Pony doesn’t move soon a different problem is going to make itself known and Curly cannot let that happen or he’ll have to jump off a bridge.

He shoves Pony off of him as gently as he can without being soft, and leads him over to his own side of the room. Angel will already be pissed enough that he was on her side of the room, nevermind the fact it was just to open the window, and Curly doesn’t want to add fuel to the fire. Sure, he loves making Angela angry but she also took a razorblade to his favourite hoodie last week and Curly isn’t willing to risk her ire right now. Things with the boyfriend she’s currently staying with are slowly but surely falling apart and Angela going through a breakup is a dangerous creature. Even Tim steers clear of her as best he can during her anger phase, and then they both decide to be a little nicer when Angel moves on to grief. 

Pony sits next to him and Curly wonders if he should’ve put a bottom sheet on his mattress, then banishes the thought because it’s stupid and because he doubts there’s a bottom sheet anywhere in the house- angel bought her own and guards it viciously. Still, he can’t help the anxiety bubbling in his chest. Pony is in his room, sitting on his bed. In all the time they’ve been hanging out he doesn’t think Pony has ever been in his room. And they’ve certainly never been alone in his room- or in Ponyboy’s for that matter since Sodapop Curtis is the world's most annoying cockblock and one of these days Curly is really gonna slug him.

Fortunately- or unfortunately, he really isn’t sure- Pony seems oblivious to Curly’s internal turmoil. In fact, he seems kind of oblivious to everything, staring blankly at the wall and biting his lip hard enough it might start to bleed soon. 

Rude, Curly thinks, if someone’s gonna be biting ponyboy’s lips tonight it should be him.

It’s kind of worrisome though. It;s not like Ponyboy’s the more, well, present even on a good day, prone to daydreaming and getting all focused in a way Curly doesn’t understand, but this seems different, worse somehow. The misery is still written across Ponyboy’s face, but there's an undercurrent of anger there too, and beneath that, fear.

“You good, man?” Curly’s never been great with emotions, never understood his own or wanted to help with others. He wants to help Pony now though, he just doesn’t know what to say. “You uh, you need anything?”

“No- yes- I dunno.” Ponyboy shakes his head, curling in on himself, and no, nope, if he bunches up it’s like he gets even more stuck in his own head and Curly refuses to let that happen so he yanks him until Pony’s head is resting against his shoulder, his arm around the guy’s admittedly very nice shoulders. “I didn’t know where else to go, I just- I couldn’t stay there. Not tonight. Can I stay with you?”

“Of course,” Curly agrees immediately. There’s a whole host of reasons why and he’s sure some of them are good but the only important one is the thought of Ponyboy Curtis sleeping in his room with him, “why though? Didya finally get tired of Sodacan cockblockin’ us?”

He waggles his eyebrows suggestively, expecting Ponyboy to roll his eyes but snicker like he usually does when Curly makes a suggestive joke, but instead he just sighs, his eyes getting all sad again.

“In your dreams Shepard,” he says, “but nah, it’s nothing like that, just…Darry and Soda are fighting.”

Curly blinks. That’s what Ponyboy is upset about? His family fighting? If Curly got sad anytime people were fighting in his house he’d have died of heartbreak years ago. Shit, Ma hadn’t gone a day without swearing at them in years, and Tim had told him just this morning he was a waste of space. Last month, he and Angel hadn’t spoken for over a week after she tattled on him to Tim about his plan to get into Buck’s race fixing scheme. 

Then again, the Curtis family- even their gang- wasn’t much like his own. They weren’t soft exactly, but they weren’t cold neither, which was something Curly had got used to at a very young age. Ponyboy on the other hand…well, he doesn’t have much ice in him at all.

“They’ve been mad at each other for days, and tonight it’s like they just blew up,” Pony continues, “like a match in a powder keg. They’ve been yelling off and on for hours, and everytime they start to shout it gets worse. They hardly even noticed when I left.”

“Darry won’t be pleased you ran off,” curly points out. He’s not good at emotions but he is good at being practical, at least when he’s trying to think like Angela, and he knows Darry Curtis will be mad if Ponyboy comes home late or not at all. Curly thinks the guy needs to lighten up a bit. One murder wrap when Pony didn;t even kill the guy shouldn’t mean he needs to be supervised 24/7. Darry needs to lighten up.

Ponyboy rolls his eyes.

“Shit man, you sound like Two-bit. I left a note alright? And if they’re really that worried they can get over themselves and come and find me.”

“What are they arguin’ about anyway?”

That was apparently the wrong question to ask because Pony’s face shutters again.

“That’s the whole problem! I dunno! I can’t figure it out and I listened to them argue awhile. It got real personal real quick, whatever they started arguin’ about probably isn’t why they’re mad now.”

“I’m sorry man,” Curly says, and he is. Rarely is it that he feels any sort of sympathy for other people’s issues, but Ponyboy curtis is not just anyone. In fact, he’s maybe the best person Curly knows, and he doesn’t deserve his house to feel like Curly’s does. The Curtis’ are supposed to be better than that. Ponyboy is supposed to have better than that.

Curly knows there isn’t much he can do. There never is, and with his penchant for fucking shit up he’s rarely trusted with even meaningless things let alone important ones, so he’s not usually armed with the skills to help anyone. However, in this situation, Curly knows what to do because it’s something he wished for every day or his childhood, and something that was never really provided to him no matter how hard Tim sometimes tried. 

Tonight, he can keep Pony safe.

“You can stay here,” he promises, scrubbing a hand through Ponyboy’s hair as an excuse to feel how soft it is without grease in it, “whenever you want. Just show up.”

“Really?”

“‘Course.”

That earns him a smile, a real one, the kind that makes Ponyboy sort of glow and Curly kind of want to kiss him and combust and jump out a window all at the same time.

“Thanks.” Pony murmurs, and Curly feels himself grin when Pony settles his head back on his shoulder, exhaustion returning.

Curly lets himself grin as he maneuvers them so that they’re squished together on his lumpy single mattress. It’s not the most comfortable position- Ponyboy is half on top of him and not in a fun way, his bony elbow jammed into Curly’s ribs, and his hair tickling his nose, but Curly wouldn't change it for the world.

Ponyboy is already gone when he wakes up the next morning, but that’s alright, Curly expected it, just like he expected the call that came when he was making breakfast and the light that has returned to Pony’s eyes when he sees him at school.

The Curtis house isn’t supposed to be like his own, and it isn’t. Ponyboy wouldn’t ever look this relaxed if it was. 

Even still, Curly reasons, it can’t hurt to keep his window unlatched. Just in case. 

PONYBOY SERIOUSLY GOT KO-ED 😭😭

NO WAY WOULD I BE GETTING UP AFTER I JUST GOT BODYSLAMMED BY DARRY 😭😭🙏🙏

the funniest thing about the outsiders movie is that they decided to have darry push ponyboy instead of slap him—he got flung across the room 😭😭

White people jokes are so funny I don’t even understand how some people get offended. Like yes I cannot handle spice and that is hilarious.

i dont get offended at white people jokes even though im white because: 

i can recognize white people as a whole have systemically oppressed POC in america, which is where i live 

most people when they make white people jokes only mean the shitty white people and i am not a shitty white person 

im not a pissbaby

Happy pride month to the whole Curtis gang (and The Shepards) ❤️🧡💛💚💙💜

Negan gives off the same vibes as Alvin from Alvin and The Chipmunks. Look at that smug smirk, Alvin would definitely kill some people for fun. Same person I say. No one else ever agrees but I know in my heart and soul that it’s true.

Sobbing over this omg. I can’t believe one of Johnny’s last memories of Darry is being scared of him. And ponyboy blaming himself for his parents death??? Don’t even get me started 😭😭

I Explain the Context for the songs in The Outsiders Musical

Spoilers for the Musical under cut! I was lucky enough to see the show in person so now that the album is out I decided to provide context for the songs so people listening to the album can know where in the story each one takes place/what is happening on stage during. Also some fun tidbits sprinkled in because this show is really so amazing I can not praise it enough.

Tulsa '67:

 The self-explained exposition song. We get the intro being the first line of the book and then we get the song as out introductions to the characters. One thing that is interesting is that there's a projector screen on stage and for this song Pony sits in front of the screen and speaks to the audience while the other characters are behind the screen. Acting out little scenes to show their personality while Ponyboy narrates and at the end of the song the screen lifts up to show a clear view of the stage. It's also right before Ponyboy gets jumped.

Grease Got a Hold:

Right after Ponyboy gets jumped. Like the song says in this version of the story a greaser isn't just something you are born into it's something you "earn" by being beaten down on by the socs. It shows the differences in each character most notably Darry and Dally because Darry hates the idea of Pony being stuck as a greaser, presumably because he wants more for his little brother, while Dally sees being a Greaser as something to be proud of. Presumably the first time Ponyboy gets to grease his hair (this song was also performed on the Today show and I highly recommend looking up the performance it's so good, it should be available on the today show website along with the other songs performed that day)

Runs in the Family:

Darry gets a song! After the previous song we cut to Darry in the Curtis home reflecting on where he was going in life versus where he ended up. In the musical the fact that Darry would be a soc without the gang is played up a lot more. The emphasize Darry's friendship with Paul and their history seems to go a lot deeper than just football buddies. Paul mentions gifting Darry a madras shirt and Darry being over at his house. The rest of the gang piles in at the end of the song.

Great Expectations:

The titular 'I want' song in any musical. The night after getting jumped Ponyboy tells Soda about reading great expectations and after Soda bids him goodnight he starts singing. When he mentions Darry and Johnny the actors come on stage. And at the end of the song the chorus of overlapping voices is the whole gang on the outskirts of the stage looking down/at Pony while Ponyboy sings out to the audience. (This song was also performed on the Today show)

Friday at the Drive-In:

The Soc introduction song. I think an important thing to note is that while the greasers dancing is far more rough and tumble. Jumping around and over each other, spinning and getting out nervous energy. The socs are far more reserved in their movements. They are still dancing around with spins and flips but this scene features a lot of partner dancing that's more self contained than the greasers who jump all around the stage.

I Could Talk To You All Night:

After Johnny tells Dally off/Dally leaves. Ponyboy and Cherry go to the concessions stand together. While in line Ponyboy tells her about Johnny getting jumped to which Cherry tries to defend Bob as Ponyboy already knows it was her boyfriend who beat Johnny up. Her defending him is half hearted though when Pony insists Johnny didn't do anything, he mentions reading Great Expectations to her and she tells him how Pip gets a happy ending before they start this song. It carries the story forward up until the end of the movie/the scene where they try to walk the girls home only for Bob and the socs to stop him. Also, in the musical Cherry does not go with Bob and instead breaks up with him right then and there because she's tired of all the fighting.

Runs in the Family(Reprise):

Ponyboy and Johnny make it to the Curtis house and instead of falling asleep at the lot it's stated that Ponyboy just spent so long talking to Cherry that that was why he was late for curfew. He acts nonchalant about it and Darry bursts into the reprise. There's also a scene here where Darry goes to advance on Johnny only for Soda to step between him(I think this was meant to be a moment where Darry is just lashing out because he's under a lot of stress as a guardian and Johnny is there but it hurts my heart a little to think Johnny was scared in that moment as he backs up and ducks away before Soda steps in front of him) And after the slap Ponyboy freezes until Johnny runs over and tells him they gotta get out of there.

Far Away From Tulsa:

After getting hit is when the two wind up at the park. Their conversation in the book about a life outside of Tulsa is now taking place after Darry has hit Ponyboy which makes his desire to find a place without worries all the more real. Johnny and Pony have this beautiful moment on stage together where they look out to the audience together and imagine a life where they can do and be whoever they want. Which makes it hurt all the more that right after they sing all their desires for a better life is when Bob and the rest of the socs show up.

Run Run Brother:

The two make it to Buck's after the stabbing of Bob where they ask for Dally. It's worth mentioning that Dally straight up mentions his willingness to die for Pony and Johnny, and that he thinks of the two of them as brothers, though I can not remember if this happens here or after 'Grease Got A Hold'. After the first bit of the song the  scene shifts from Buck's to Pony and Johnny running to the train/hiding from the workers as they make their way to Windrixville. There's also a line in the beginning when Pony says 'when I came to there was Johnny with his knife' this is important and I'll explain in 'Little Brother.' I also really like the detail of before, during 'Grease Got a Hold', 'you're a greaser now and you ain't going back' was said as a proud statement and now when the chorus sings it it sounds sad and almost like a death sentence. 

Justice for Tulsa:

We cut back to Tulsa after the boys escape. The cops line up the socs on the stage as they call for justice now that one of their own has been murdered. When Cherry speaks she is doing it from the police station since she was Bob's girlfriend before leaving to talk to Randy who is organizing a hunting party against the greasers. It's worth mention that when Cherry speaks against him Marcia tries to go to her side only for the other soc girl in the show(Bev) to hold her back. Cherry leaves alone and once she's gone Marcia pick up a flashlight, which serves as the symbol for the socs hunting down the greasers with no mercy during this scene. Where in the book Dally mentions Two-Bit getting jumped during this song we see it happen. The socs jump him and Bev holds a lit cigarette to his cheek while the guys hold him down(in the live version of this song we hear Two-Bit's scream) It's worth mentioning that Randy does not get a redemption in this version, in fact, outside of Cherry the socs are pretty much painted at the bad guys with her as the one exception. Even though we get Randy's emotions with 'this can't be real, he can't be gone' rather than feeling sadness over his friend's death for too long Randy switches to anger. Cherry's role as such has been adapted to be a mix of her and Randy from the book in terms of story beats.

Death's At My Door:

The boy's are in the church, as far as I can recall this was after they cut their hair and I believe it was meant to be implied that a day or two has passed since Bob's death. Though if this is before or after Pony read the poem I no longer remember. The two boys are relying on each other in this scene as they reflect on how nothing is gonna be the same again what with their ability to go home taken away unless they want Johnny to be thrown in jail. Something I forgot to mention before is that Pony blames himself for his parents death. In the musical he say that on Darry's birthday he was supposed to pick up a special frosting for his brother's cake from a bakery his mother liked. But because he forgot his parents had to go out of their way to go and get it and thus were hit by the train because they had to go over the tracks. He tells Cherry before 'I Could Talk To You For Hours' that if he had just remembered his parents would still be alive. Which is why in this song he claims death follows him because he believes his parent's would still be alive if he had remembered to pick up the frosting, and that Bob would still be alive if he hadn't run out of the house/if Johnny didn't need to protect him. 

Throwing in the Towel:

We cut back to Darry and Soda after the boys have been missing for a few days. Darry finally breaks down to Soda all the pressure he's under and how he feels like his brother's would be better off without him. He admits how much he thinks this is all his fault for being too hard on Pony and causing him to storm off after hitting him. During this scene while Soda and Darry are singing Ponyboy can be seen at the back on the stage watching them, and during the last chorus of the song 'this it the darkest hour of the darkest night' his voice joins his brothers. (This song was also performed on the Today Show and you should go watch it)

Soda's Letter:

Back in the church now right after Dally gets there after greeting Pony and Johnny he hands over the letter for Pony to read. Ponyboy reads it at the front of the stage while Soda's actor sing behind him/looking at him. Pretty much unchanged in terms of what Soda's letter gives to the story/when it given/read. The final "Ponyboy this house ain't a home without you" is sung by Darry who makes his way onto stage when Soda mentions him in the letter and we see him behind Ponyboy all but begging his brother to come home in this song.

Hoods Turned Heroes:

This is the fire song. We see Pony, Dally and Johnny in the church, I saw Pony light the cigarette and toss it behind him. I saw the flames go up and a terrified Ponyboy going "it's my fault" and then we cut to Two-Bit, grabbing the paper and beginning this song. We see a somewhat split stage in terms of spacing, the greasers back in Tulsa on one side, passing the newspaper between them as they read it, and we see Pony and Johnny in the middle saving the kids from the church. The scene is actually so creatively done and I adore it, outside of the fire they have two actors hold up a blanket and use shadows to show Pony and Johnny pulling kids from the fire since there are no child actors in this production. Interlaced with the puppetry of the saving kids we see Johnny and Pony sliding out from under the blanket and jump around beams that are held up by other actors while the paper is being read. All ending with Dally going in after Johnny. The scene changes to Dally holding Johnny, who's been changed into a hospital gown, and Dally gently lays him on the hospital bed when the song ends.

Hopeless War:

Before the rumble Pony does not leave the hospital. He stays there watching Johnny until Cherry comes in. She looks at Johnny, asking after his health, before turning to Pony and begging him not to fight. But if you recall earlier, as far as the musical is concerned the fire was set by Ponyboy's cigarette(sidenote: I think it'd be cool if every night they rotated who lights the cigarette and throws it and just switch Pony's line from "it's my fault" to "it's our fault" but I only saw the show once so I assume it's the same every time for who lights the fire even though it the book and movie we don't know for sure)  So Pony can't listen to Cherry, even though in this scene she's taking the place of Pony's discussion with Randy in the book about the fight not making areal difference, because he sees this as his only chance to try and do something for Johnny since he can't do much else but watch over him in the hospital.

Trouble:

We cut to directly after Pony's discussion with Cherry. The greasers have their war cry of trouble brewing as everyone prepares for the rumble. While Ponyboy gets ready Darry comes up and begs him not to fight. If you recall during "Grease Got a Hold" Darry says how Pony "better know what you're fighting for" But he still doesn't want his brother to have to fight. But by this point Pony had his reason for fighting and he's the one to rally the gang with the call of "Do it for Johnny!" right before the socs roll up. Dally does say “do it for Johnny” at the beginning of the song but it’s Ponyboy who uses it as a war cry. Dally also has a moment where he calls out Darry for being on the greasers side when he was so against being a greaser before, but Darry looks at him and says confidently "once a greaser always a greaser". Paul has a moment with Darry where he calls him out for wanting to be a soc but Darry shuts him right down and the rumble is on.

Little Brother:

Right after the rumble the entire gang heads over to see Johnny, yes, the entire gang. Not just Pony and Dally everyone gathers around him and tells him about beating the socs. They watch as Johnny tells Pony to stay gold and they all break down when he passes, Dally runs out before anyone can stop him. He makes it to the top of the stage, and he begins his song. breaking down the boards around him in a show of anger and violence while the ensemble sings below him looking up. He says tearfully "I could not save you" remember during 'Run run brother' where I said the knife would be brought up later? It's because Dally was the one to give him the switchblade. Before the socs get their number Dally comes across Johnny staying in the lot while his parents are fighting. He tells Dally how he's been uncertain since he was jumped to be out alone. So Dally reaches into his jacket, pulls out the blade, and gives it to him(that one promo pic) and Dally tells him that "if you're gonna use it, use it" and I believe he says something along the lines of "because if you do there's no going back" Dally gave Johnny that knife to try and protect him, but all it did was sign his death warrant. It protected him from Bob but not from anything else, not from the fire. And when Dally said he would die for Pony and Johnny he meant it. He sings and is joined by the cast who echo him "little brother" but he stands alone at the top of the stage. He makes his way down to the bottom portion of the stage, stepping onto the train tracks(in my mind it's the same spot where the Curtis' parents crashed) planting his feet and squaring his shoulders before the song ends, and the train comes. According to Ponyboy his body derailed the train, and Pony likes to believe that despite that, some part of Dallas Winston managed to make it's way back to New York. (Playbill released Joshua Boone singing this song and it's so heartbreaking because there is no ensemble in that version so you have to sit with the harsh melody when Dally makes his choice to face the train head on)

Stay Gold:

After Dally's death we head back to the Curtis house. We don't get a time frame but going off the book it's been a week or two since they've both died. Cherry comes by with Johnny's things from the hospital, she mentions she volunteers there now, and gives Pony Johnny's letter for him. Pony refuses to read it but after Soda has his break down about "we're all we got left" he grabs Johnny's letter and starts to read it for Pony. Getting a line or two in before Pony asks for it, starts to read it himself, and the song begins. Johnny Cade joins us back on stage as he sings to Pony his hope for the world he has to leave behind. And of course, that request to stay gold.

Finale (Tulsa '67): 

After reading Johnny's letter Ponyboy begins to write his theme. He finishes a page or two before joining his brothers at the table, he tells them what he writing about and Soda tells him to read it. Pony says it's only a few pages but Darry speaks up, "Can I read it?" he asks. And Pony hands it over, it isn't Ponyboy reading that intro again, but Darry, determined to do better by his brother and reading his work. He and Soda pass the theme to each other, taking turns reading sections aloud while Pony sings. Sings about Tulsa and the gang, of Dally who saw being a greaser as a badge of honor, of Johnny who wanted more for himself and more for Ponyboy who vows that "in his memory I'll stay gold!" The entire cast comes onto the stage as they sing, no longer to each other but to the audience, "stay gold!" It is something that has stuck with me and will stick with me to know that those final lines were no longer characters talking to each other, but talking to the audience right as the show comes to an end.

Anyways this got way longer then I thought but if you want me to ramble more about the show literally just ask I can not stop thinking about it. Might make another post about the differences between the musical and the book.

I WANTED MY BOY GINGER GINGER, BRING BACK GINGER TWO-BIT 🙏🙏🙏🙏😔😔😔

"Blond hair erasure Dallas" "Blue eyes erasure Dally" ok, what about Ginger Two-Bit erasure? The man was NOT Ginger in the movie

STOP IM THROWING UP OVER THIS 😭 DEATH’S AT MY DOOR RUINED MY LIFE ISTG

no but the fact that everyone else is “we can get by without anyone but johnny” but johnny is “i can get by without anyone but ponyboy” just kills me so much like johnny is important to the entire gang but ponyboy is johnny's person, his best friend, he's the reason he killed bob, the reason he went into the burning church, ponyboy is the safe space, the home that johnny needs and johnny is the brother who listens that ponyboy wants, ponyboy and johnny are each other's entire world and johnny would go through everything again if it meant ponyboy would be okay