I Couldn’t Not Share This…

I’m such. A fucking. Failure.

Tw// scars, self harm

Have you ever wanted to just roll you sleeves up???? Wear those short shorts???? And have no one bat an eye??? Like yes the scars are super apparent but no one mentions it, just a nonverbal air of understanding and moving on from it

05.04.2019 08.51

I hate my fucking body. Fuck, fuck, fuck. I hate it. My voice is too high, my chest too big, my face too feminine, I miss the Adam’s apple that I’ve never had, and I’m bleeding my guts out. Why can’t I bleed to death? I don’t want this body, I wish I could get rid of it.

TW really deep dark thoughts..

I want to recover… but I’m too scared. I want to eat… but I’m too scared. I want to live… but I’m too scared. I’m just too scared of the thought of gaining weight. Of showing myself out there in the world. I want to hide. I want to silently vanish away somehow.. yet I know that that isn’t possible. I’m in a constant fight in my own brain. As if there’s a own dark world in there where there’s pure chaos but also pure silence. Its like a dark neighbourhood at night and i walk through it but it’s so mf silent but it’s that scary type of silence where you know the next second something’s gonna happen. That terrifying type of silence. Where you don’t get a single second to breathe and relax. Always on the run. As if there’s something constantly behind you hunting you. THATS my brain.. I’m not living unless I feel.. pain. I’ve been in a constant numb mode where I just can’t cry. Even if I try and want to. I can’t. Fucking. Cry. When all I want is to have a good cry to let it all out. Instead, it develops into anger against myself and that’s when selfharm and starvation happily Hand in hand enter and punish me. For what? Existing???? What is this bullshit… I’m getting to a point where I don’t think I will ever be able to recover. I want to… but I’m just too… scared. Because all these dark thoughts are so damn familiar and in a way comforting bc it’s all I know. I wish I could experience the good. The happiness. The warmth and light so I can find comfort in there instead..

Nobody:

My brain: …you should just go kill yourself it would make everything so much better

tell me you still love me

I need it

TW: BLOOD AND SH

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Do you ever feel hollow and empty? Like the soul has been sucked out of you and there’s nothing left?

That’s how I’ve been feeling today, I just wanna be done. Part of me wants to fight and try to do good things for the world and make a change. But I’m just tired, I just wanna take a really long nap because I’m exhausted. I never get a break, and I feel like I’m on autopilot all the time.