Yuunfi - Hopanless Romtic

this isnt even in a like. ‘doomed by the narrative, im always miserable’ kind of thing. like im happy and all, things are fine. but i think if i caused my own demise it’d be because i held onto things so tightly that i folded in on myself. or i’d feel more and more like a dense mass of lead and one day it would just crack. its like looking at myself in my head and being “hey. we’re never gonna be able to let anything go, are we”

anyways i wanted 2 write this down bc this is a sad attempt at journaling but before i could a friend called. and i was nervous before picking up but im So glad i did because she wanted help with something and i was the first person to come to mind. she ended the call with “hey. you know you’re very dependable right? i needed help with this and the first person to come to mind was you. i love you” i love u too hunz.

you will be called selfish and unfeeling and careless, but you will also be called dependable and sweet. all sorts of words from all sorts of people

i hold onto everything so much and so close with such a vice fucking grip i think im going to die of it one day. even though i talk a lot and say what i want to, sometimes there are such vile, or on the other hand such important things, that i wish could be said but they just cant. and they rattle around my head like a chant until it hurts and then i forget. for a while.

i remember everything bad thats ever happened to me and ive become So good at holding grudges without being angry at people. so its like. i remember what you did. yes i love you. this moment is lovely. until something delicate slips and all that has ever been wrong becomes glaringly apparent.

I hate applying for jobs. “desired salary for this role” one billion dollars next question

Cheryl Strayed, Tiny Beautiful Things: Advice on Love and Life from Dear Sugar

‘am i Having A Brain Problem or Being a Shithead’: a short procrastination checklist

aka why tf am i procrastinating on The Thing (more like a flowchart, actually)

lots of people who have executive function difficulties worry about whether they’re procrastinating on a task out of laziness/simply wanting to be a jerk or mental struggles. this checklist might help you figure out which it is at any given time! (hint: it’s almost never laziness or being a jerk.) (obligatory disclaimer: this is just what works for me! something different might work better for you.)

1) do I honestly intend to start the task despite my lack of success?

yes: it’s a Brain Problem. next question

no: it’s shitty to say one thing & do another. better be honest with myself & anyone expecting me to do the task.

2) am I fed, watered, well-rested, medicated properly, etc?

yes: next question

no: guess what? this is the real next task

3) does the idea of starting the task make me feel scared or anxious?

yes: Anxiety Brain. identify what’s scaring me first.

no: next question

4) do I know how to start the task?

yes: next question

no: ADHD Brain. time to make an order of operations list.

5) do I have everything I need to start the task?

yes: next question

no: ADHD Brain lying to me about the steps again, dangit. first task is ‘gather the materials’.

6) why am i having a hard time switching from my current task to this new task?

i’m having fun doing what i’m doing: it’s okay to have fun doing a thing! if task is time-sensitive, go to next question.

i have to finish doing what i’m doing: might be ADHD brain. can I actually finish the current task or will I get trapped in a cycle? does this task really need to be finished?

the next task will be boring/boring-er than the current task: ADHD brain. re-think the next task. what would make it exciting? what am I looking forward to?

I might not have enough time to complete the task: ADHD brain wants to finish everything it starts. (if task is time-sensitive, go to next question)

i just want to make the person who asked me to do it angry: sounds like anxiety brain trying to punish itself, because I know I’ll be miserable if someone is angry at me. why do i think I deserve punishment?

no, I seriously want to piss them off: okay, i’m being a shithead

7) have I already procrastinated so badly that I now cannot finish the task in time?

yes: ADHD brain is probably caught in a guilt-perfection cycle. since I can’t have the task done on time, i don’t even want to start.

reality check: having part of a thing done is almost always better than none of a thing done. if I can get an extension, having part of it done will help me keep from stalling out until the extension deadline. i’ll feel better if I at least try to finish it.

no, there’s still a chance to finish on time: ADHD brain thinks that I have all the time in the world, but the truth is I don’t. 

reality check: if i’m having fun doing what I’m doing, I can keep doing it, but I should probably set a timer & ask someone to check on me to make sure I start doing the task later today.

8) I’ve completed the checklist and still don’t know what’s wrong!

probably wasn’t honest enough with myself. take one more look.

if I’m still mystified, ask a friend to help me talk it out.

hope this helps some of you! YOU’RE DOING GREAT SWEETIE DON’T GIVE UP ON YOU

Yeah you're right. It WOULD be pretty fucked up if you were a swan but you were raised by ducks and you grew up never seeing another swan or even knowing that such a thing as a swan even existed so you just thought you were a duck with something super wrong with it.

Here is a list of some YouTube ASMR ambiences/soundscapes (they’re all hyperlinked, so click away!) Unlike traditional ASMR, these videos do not feature any people. Talented YouTubers have used software to create rendered environments with layered sounds, with many of these ambiences inspired from fantasy to others based in reality. I find music with lyrics to be distracting sometimes, but these are great background noises for focusing, studying, doing homework, and even for relaxing. Enjoy and good luck ♡

LIBRARY SOUNDSCAPES

1. Royal Library | Rain and Thunderstorm Sounds on Study Ambience with Crackling Fireplace 

By New Bliss 

2. LIBRARY AMBIENCE: Writing Sounds, Whispering, Pages Turning, Rain, Fireplace 

by Autumn Cozy 

3. Ambience/ASMR: Writer’s Library from the 1930s, 4 Hours

by Ambience of Yesteryear

4. Study Ambience / Library Sounds / 3 Hours #241

By Winter Whale ASMR

5. Harry Potter inspired ASMR - Hogwarts Library REMAKE - Animated ambient soundscape cinemagraph

By ASMR rooms 

CAFE SOUNDSCAPES

1. Rainy Day at Coffee Shop & Jazz Music | ASMR Ambience 4K

By Cozy Corner 

2. [ASMR/Ambience]cafe after closing on a rainy urban night

By Sound Forest 

3. Coffeehouse ASMR Ambience

By Miracle Forest 

4. 1 Hour of Tea Shop Ambience | Background Noise | Cafe Ambient Sounds

By Nocturnal House 

5. ASMR Increase Concentration Tokyo Cafe Study Ambience for Homework & School

By asmr soupe 

COZY SOUNDSCAPES

1. 🎧 Cozy Ambience Bedroom - Rain on the Windows of the Rainy Night View of the City 10 Hours | Sleep

By The Relaxing Town 

2. Cozy Cabin Ambience - Writer’s Room with 8 Hours of Rain, Thunder and Fire Sounds

By Calmed by Nature 

3. Bed Breakfast ☕ Snowy Morning [ASMR] Cozy Cabin Ambience ❄️️ Winter Day with Little Bunny friend 🐰

By ASMR Weekly 

4. Rain sounds | cozy cabin | Sleep, Study, Meditation 10 hours

By White Noise Tranquility 

5. Cozy Winter Cottage | Snowstorm and Fireplace Sounds | blizzard | 10hours

By dreamy sound 

INSPIRED BY SOUNDSCAPES

1. ASMR Mystical and Noble Atmosphere of Slytherin Common Room●Harry Potter 3D Ambient Sound

By asmr soupe 

2. Lord of the Rings Inspired ASMR - the Green Dragon Inn - Medieval Tavern Ambience and Animations

By ASMR rooms 

3. ⛩ Spirited Away’s Dormitory - 1 Hour - Ghibli ASMR Soundscape

By Vibrating Art 

4. Twin Peaks Double R Diner Ambience - 8 Hours of Smooth Jazz Music, Rain Sounds, & Cozy Cafe Ambience

By Calmed by Nature 

5. A Moving Castle Type ASMR Ambience

By Miracle Forest 

I love characters that are completely harmless until they finally unleash their power and then they’re TERRIFYING

strawberry hill house in london, england

Hold onto your loved ones!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i really can't stand this anymore oh my god

so i have made a few posts talking about this, but my mom is Making Ultimatiums that are going to fuck me over financially just for the hell of it. i am currently unemployed, receiving no more benefits, and i have absolutely no savings. at this point i have a negative balance on my bank account and i have nothing much i can do about it. i am a trans man with adhd, ptsd, and severe depression so it has become inhospitable in my current living environment, and i need to move, except i currently live in one of the most expensive places in the US and i don't know how to drive. basically, i need to buy a bike, get a plane ticket, and find a job. so this is a mutual aid request but also like. if any of you know of any trans people who know of any trans safe living areas that are not wildly expensive, please message me!

anyway i have talked for too long, here is my info

cash.app: $luvlandfrog

paypal.me: /ezrabanksy