Hope That Transition Makes Sense Asdfsdfsdf - Blog Posts

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“a shrink.” max echoed with a laugh, “boys are so dramatic.” and it was true, not about his feelings, but for believing there was something wrong with them. big hypocrite thing of her to say, but the rules were different when placed on his shoulders. she didn’t think cole needed a shrink, not for what he had with adam, and not for missing it. sometimes, max felt like grief was her best friend in place of el, so she couldn’t judge how it’s cruelty made anyone feel. but she was high, and she was curious, and it was cole. stuck in her head, max remained laying on her back even when he flipped over, but she still eyed him closely when she spoke, “moving here really sucked for me…” she opened up, something must have been in the air. “and mike and lucas and dustin and will are all really awesome, but it hasn’t always been like that. you know i mean, they’re guys, it’s different. i had to weasel my way into their circle. but then el came along and everything clicked and just like that she was gone again and now she’s back and–” max started feeling like she had never said so many words at once, so she stopped her stoned ramblings, closed her eyes tightly, and forced herself to reset. 

max thought back to the conversation her and cole had at blue quarry mall, how he’d come clean on accident, and how relieved he looked when he had. max wondered what that felt like, to let it all go and free fall for a moment into the arms of someone she trusted. she opened her eyes, then slowly turned onto her side to face cole, “i’ve been really confused about my feelings lately.” she admitted, sure he was familiar with the feeling. “and you’re a shithead but not about this stuff.” max added, then revealed, “i think i’ve always known i’ve liked girls.” the air left her lungs as she waited for a response. thanks to the weed, this revelation didn’t feel so world ending, in fact, max felt calm, ready for cole’s reaction. she was so mellowed in fact, she added, “but with el it’s different…what you said about missing adam… when she was gone, that’s how i felt.” max couldn’t really explain to cole how she spent half the time speculating eleven was dead, but she hoped he could feel her sincerity. stupidly, she concluded, “but i don’t know what that means.” 

xx.

Cole laughed, allowing himself to flop onto his back and stare at the ceiling. Max had a point, but he found that it was easier to joke about the pain than to sit with it. He remembered right after Adam died, when he went to visit Adam’s sisters. He’d snuck into Adam’s room and stolen a few shirts, a photo, random artifacts that proved to him that what they had was real. He thought about that now, wondered if Max felt the same way when El was gone. Cole offered a sad smile, he knew completely how that felt... well, up to the him coming back part. “Honestly? I think some connections are like that. There’s a distinct before and after... people you’ll never be the same after meeting and loving them,” he mused, blowing smoke into the stale air. 

He couldn’t help the smile that took over his face; he was glad Max felt safe enough to tell him the truth. He reached over and took her hand in his, squeezing it to show that he understood. “What’s there to be confused about, then?” he asked, not in a prodding way, but gently. Cole took another drag and passed the joint back. “What do you want it to mean?” he asked, figuring she already knew the answer. Cole tucked a hand behind his head, lost in thought for a moment. “Did I tell you that Adam broke up with me before he died?” He’d been thinking about that a lot lately, about how Adam was completely different the days before the fire; how his eyes were even different, darker somehow. He knew he would never get answers, but he had never shared it with anyone and figured now was as good a time as any.