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Never the same
A Raymond imagine ( 'The Gentlemen' 2020)
Summary: Before Raymond became a man hardened by the harsh reality of the world he belongs to, one to never get attached and live for himself alone, there was her. Someone he would have given his life for and someone he ultimately chose to let go. And after her, he has never been the same.
Warnings: Substance consumption, angst
I hope you will enjoy reading this piece as much as I enjoyed writing it. It has been way too long since I have written something, but whilst I was gone I developed a massive love towards Charlie Hunnam and characters portrayed by him, the latest one being Ray. Feedback is always appreciated and my apologies if the aforementioned warnings lack something important, as it is the first time I am disclosing them in my writings! Enjoy! :)
Italics indicate retrospectives!
~
Raymond wasn't always quite like this. He wasn't one to seek out one night stands, too endorsed in guarding his already broken heart to give a shit about the heart of a girl he takes home for the night. Too endorsed in satisfying his primal needs after drinking the night away to forget the emptiness his soul has strung along since the day he left her. The day his soul last felt complete. Ever since then nothing has been able to fix what was broken and Raymond hadn't bothered to, anyway. He didn't feel like he deserved it. Too engrossed in self-hatred that he has managed to hide from the prying eyes of his boss and subordinates. At least that's what he thought.
Every morning is a painful reminder of a past self that he can no longer recognize in the mirror, however, that has never stopped him from putting on a happy face and going on with his duties as Mickey’s right hand, only to fall in bed with a woman whose name he wasn't even bothered to remember, too drunk to feel anything at the end of the day. The only thing keeping Raymond from going insane is that he truly believes letting her go was the right thing to do, even though lately he has been having trouble distinguishing right from wrong, happiness from sadness and dreams from nightmares. It's her that has been poisoning his dreams, getting a hold of his most hidden memories, ones too good, yet painful to ponder on even for a minute without them leaving a bitter aftertaste in his mouth with what-could-have-beens and what-ifs. Ones that make him wish he could take it all back and once again become the man he used to be with her.
~
“You do realise that I love you more than life itself, do you?” she said, letting out a light chuckle afterwards as to not sound so desperate. Desperate to love him, have him, call him hers. But her eyes gave it away. They always did. Raymond was able to read her like a book. A book filled with secrets, pain, suffering and outweighed by joy, happiness and love so pure it could complete his own corrupted soul. With her sun seemed to shine a little brighter, the water seemed to be a tad bit bluer and he was able to see past the life of a criminal he had decided to become a part of.
This was a reoccurring conversation they seemed to be having almost daily at this point. Just like Raymond was able to read her like a book, so could she read him. And behind that handsome face and beautiful, albeit tormented soul hid a vulnerable man scared to fully commit to her, give himself to her and just love, because the life he is used to leading is no place for love and weaknesses. And a weakness she is.
“I know,” is all he would answer. But that seemed to be enough for her because behind those two words hid a sea of emotions he felt for her. And she knew. She knew he loved her, possibly more than she could even comprehend. What she didn't know, however, is that through these simple, yet oh so vulnerable conversations they have also been saying goodbye.
~
Raymond awoke in cold sweat, too shaken by his dreams to fall back asleep, too restless to just numb his mind and rid of the feelings he thought he had grown out of. Foolish of him, he knows, but how could he not think that the love he once felt for her is gone if he doesn't even remember the last time he willingly thought of her. Only in his dreams does he let his guard down and unconsciously prays to go back to the days when he called her his. Before he found a remedy in alcohol and drugs that for once filled his system with something that numbed his bottled-up feelings. But tonight it wasn't an option, he was on a job that required for him to be alert of his surroundings and the looming threat of getting killed by Mickey's rivals looking to retaliate. And so he was forced to face his biggest enemy in the dark of the night. Himself.
~
“I just… don't understand. How can this be a goodbye, how can you just walk away?” she cried, too hurt to hide her tears, too broken to pretend like she can fix this. Because even though she doesn't want to believe it, she knows he is leaving. And there is nothing she can do, even though there is nothing she wouldn't do just to have him for one more day.
“You knew all too well how this is going to end when we decided to give this a shot. We are not working out and there is nothing you can do to change my mind,” he said, seemingly unphased by their imminent parting on the outside, while he was absolutely breaking on the inside. However, for once in her own heartbreak she wasn't able to see past his exterior, only meeting his cold eyes and stoic face that made her soul break a little more, for she thought she had truly lost him. In reality, he was breaking on the inside, too, a little more now that he sees the pain he has inflicted upon her. But this had to be done to protect her. Because if there is one thing in the world he wouldn't forgive himself for, it's being blinded by love and letting her get hurt by the world he belongs to, a world all too harsh for someone so pure.
~
The job had gone smoothly and Raymond awoke to a world filled by one less enemy lurking behind his back. And so it called for a celebration, one to numb his mind and put the last night's events to rest. What he didn't anticipate, however, is seeing her occupying his favourite seat by the bar he often joked to be his third home. While at first, his heart skipped one too many beats, causing his face to pale and palms to sweat, something about her presence brought the feeling of peace. For once in the longest time, everything seemed to fall into its place, as if stars had aligned in his favour. Because he can no longer stand the thought of living through another night dreaming of their shared past that still haunts him. Admittedly, after her, Raymond has never been the same. But maybe, just maybe, after seeing her for the first time in years, the same glimmer in her eyes, bright smile and laughter that made him fall utterly and unconditionally in love with her, being the foolish boy who once used to be able to call her his is not what he yearns to be any more, for he was the one who let her go. Maybe what he needs is another chance at being a better man.
With her.