Kyle X Cartman - Blog Posts

did i mention i love kyman crossovers? i have come up with a kyman au that is a crossover with infinity train.

first of all if someone has no idea what infinity train is, that’s a cartoon about an odd train with an endless amount of cars in it. people get to this train suddenly, and they have a green flashing number on their hand, each is individual. it represents the main psychological trouble a person has. number can go up and down depending on how far a person is from solving the problem. the main aim of the train is to help ppl solve their trouble and make peace with themselves. (for example the main character of season 1 was a girl whose parents were divorced, and she blamed herself for that. she could only get off the train when she realised she’s not responsible for their decision and sometimes things change for the better)

so basically m4 + butters got to the train to the different cars each, but eventually they would find each other. i think first of all kyle found someone like butters or kenny, and cartman found stan. they would wander around through all those cars trying to understand the meaning of the numbers. when they finally all met up they saw that everyone’s numbers are different (butters has the biggest one and kenny has the least one) except for kyman because they share the same number. and it really pisses them off, because they have no idea why the hell they have something (anything) in common. so they’d start arguing and fighting AND THE NUMBER SUDDENLY WENT UP.

cartman: Aye! Are you copying me or what?

kyle: What are you talking about, Fata– oh! Your number! The same as mine…

cartman: Yeah, Kahl, that’s what I wanted to ask you about!

kyle: I have no idea why it is this way. Probably a coincidence?

cartman: What are the odds of this, huh?

kyle: I don’t know! And fuck off already, I’m already pretty sick of hearing you again.

cartman: You’re sick?? I’m the one who is forced to stay in a godforsaken closeted space with fucking Kyle!

kyle: Ughhh, it was much better to walk with Kenny, you fat fuck.

cartman: Yes, I also prefer Stan’s company muuuch better! …Wait.

kyle: Huh?

cartman: The number. It changed. It was 167 and now it’s 176!

kyle: …Mine too…

cartman: So they are connected.

kyle: I guess they are…

cartman: Oh, screw it, now my number is connected to the jew’s number! That’s not good, I swear it’s a bad luck…

kyle: Shut up already, would you?? I’m trying to think. You made our numbers go up.

cartman: Oh, so now it’s my fault?!

kyle: Whose else could it be?

cartman: My number was totally fine until I met you! I bet you did something to it and now because of your tricks I’ll never leave that train and never go home and that means I’ll never eat my goddamn KFC dinner my mother had promised me today.

kyle: Oh, so that’s the only thing that bothers you??

cartman: No, it actually bothers me a lot that I’m stuck here with you, of all people!!

(lmao btw the numbers are not random, 167 is a number of s16e7 “cartman finds love” and 176 is “ginger cow :D)

so they fight a lot and their number goes up and up, and then cartman does one small nice things for kyle and number goes a but down, so he realises the number depends on their friendship??? so he starts using it trying to act nice and good to kyle (not genuinely ofc)

cartman, opens the car’s door for kyle: After you, my dear friend.

kyle: What are you doing?

cartman: What? Just trying to help you, that’s all.

kyle: …You enter this one first.

cartman: What. Why?

kyle: I don’t trust you. It’s probably the most dangerous one and you just want to lock me there or something.

cartman: Why would I do that, Kahl?

kyle: Because you hate me.

cartman: That’s not true! It’s just friendly fighting, nothing more. Come on, Kyle, I’ll help you with that car! Hey, and did I mention you look sooo great today?

kyle, raising an eyebrow: The fuck are you talking about? What’s the catch? And why do you keep looking at your number?

cartman: Oh my GOD! Can’t I just be nice to you for a goddamn minute without you suspecting me of some delusional ideas, you fucking jew?!

kyle: I want to know why you’re nice, because I will never believe you’re genuine about that.

cartman: Oh, for fuck’s sake, just keep going!

and he realises it doesn’t work until it’s sincere.

so it takes them about two months to fix their friendship and be honest about it. that they don’t actually hate each other, that they have much more in common than they thought. and then they’re stuck at something like 10, for, um, two weeks. nothing they do can change their number no matter how nice and good they are to each other. the thing is the train wanted them to be honest to themselves, and they couldn’t do it without admitting they like each other more than friends :3

AND OH GOD PLS TELL ME IT DOESN’T SOUND DELUSIONAL AND CRINGE BECAUSE IVE BEEN THINKING ABOUT THIS SHIT FOR LIKE THE WHOLE DAY.

like i’m pretty sure almost nobody likes both these fandoms but i’m watching gotham rn and gobblepot is so kyman. like goddamn. have you even seen them?

cartman as a sneaky and pathetic backstabbing ambitious liar who betrays everyone and doesn’t know what the honesty is, an example for the rags-to-riches story, with the only soft spot for his mother who spoiled and overprotected him (that’s oswald)

and then there’s kyle – the only honest cop in the whole city, disliked by most people around cause of his obsession with justice. does that mean he’s good in general? not at all. he has this dark side, the hypocritical one which he tries to cover up and hide but fails miserably (jim gordon)

and they have this mental connection.

this “opposites attract” dynamic. like. UHHHH

i am absolutely addicted to making crossovers between my current fandoms and south park

you know that jewpacabra episode s16e4? that moment when kyle couldn’t sleep knowing cartman is out there, miserable and probably in danger? so he got up in the middle of the night and went looking for cartman to help him get home and make sure he’s safe and then he even literally tucked him in?

so i was making a parallel and i thought of that one post-covid cartman, broke, unhappy, homeless and pathetic, and kyle who gets home after his meeting with the old friends, and suddenly he can’t sleep, thinking constantly about cartman who had a chance to have a good life but lost it… so he gets up in the middle of the night once again, like in his childhood, and forces cartman to go with him to kyle’s place, making sure he’s safe and warm. he doesn’t know why he did it, but seeing cartman at his worst makes him feel like the things are so… wrong? so his first thought is to help and save and give him hope and…

i want a happy end for them both :(

okay so since the Cupid Ye was aired i’ve been constantly thinking about cartman’s mental condition. we know he’s probably taking medication now, so i hc him having antisocial personality disorder and bipolar disorder. and i’ve been imagining him having his depression episode for the first time after he was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. he’s not used to it, he has no idea what’s going on and why he suddenly feels so tired and numb all the time, so he just stays at home skipping school and avoiding social contacts. he’s scared and the “it’s all because of your illness, poopsikins!” from his mother doesn’t help at all.

and sooo i wrote a short moment about this?? i’m sorry for any mistakes because it was originally written in my native language, not in english :(

***

Ever since early childhood it was clear and obvious to everyone that Eric Cartman had problems. Not even like that, Kyle corrected himself in his thoughts. Eric Cartman had Problems. Sociopathy, sadism, aggression – all that a person could notice in Cartman after only half an hour of communication.

And Kyle wasn't too surprised when bipolar disorder was added to all of the above in a sloppy psychiatrist’s handwriting.

By the time Cartman was finally diagnosed he had already gone through several phases of mania. Kyle even did a little research on the disorder. "To know what to prepare for the next time I meet this psycho," he told Stan. "And to know how to help him if necessary," he added silently to himself.

By the age of fifteen, Stan's company was already used to Cartman's regular explosive mood swings, which were accompanied by crazy ideas, aggressive behavior, and, if absolutely unlucky, deaths of a couple or more people.

It was typical: after a short break, Cartman would burst into Kyle's room (often through the window), start showering him with business plans, startup ideas, and opportunities to have extreme fun. Kyle was silent, trying his best to ignore him and frowning irritably when Cartman smiled ecstatically and rushed to Kyle, tugging at his sleeve and almost shouting that everything would be better this time and that it’s a one hundred percent successful scheme.

For some time Broflovski genuinely believed that everyone in their friends group was going through such tortures, but after a short questioning, he found out that they had not seen Eric's mania with their own eyes. Kyle understood — and they won’t, when Cartman just chuckled at the outraged "What the fuck, Fatass?" and replied, "I guess you're just special, Kahl. They wouldn't understand." His eyes flashed especially maliciously, and Kyle looked away hastily so as not to give Cartman the opportunity to start another fight.

Well, all in all, no one's world collapsed when Cartman was diagnosed with a new mental illness. Over the past months of insane hallucinations and obsessive intrusive thoughts, he managed to make everyone sick of him. He refused to go to the therapy sessions for a long time, shouting, running away and trying to get into a fight, and Liane was too afraid to find out another unpleasant truth about her son, preferring to go with the flow and shut him up with the fulfillment of every single of his whims. Kyle doubts that anyone would have done anything to help Cartman if he hadn't intervened. Why – it was unclear to Broflovski himself, but Cartman's first depressive phase hit them both unexpectedly too hard.

Disappearing from everyone’s sight for two weeks, Cartman ignored calls and messages (although Kyle had a serious doubt that anyone other than Butters and Broflovski himself texted him) and skipped school despite Mr. Harrison's threats of expulsion.

Liane avoided answering questions, pursing her lips in frustration and talking her way out with a trivial "He's sick." Kyle didn't believe a damn second, knowing that if Cartman was sick, Kyle would have known about it the very first. Something was wrong. For some reason, the desire to find out what exactly was much stronger than it should have been when it came to Eric Cartman.

***

Perhaps Kyle really shouldn't have worried so much — not to the point of climbing into Eric's window at night. But the Cartmans hadn't opened the front door all day, and by that time Kyle's nerves were so stretched that they threatened to break if he didn't get answers to his questions in the next few minutes. Disturbing thoughts and images of possible turn of events appeared in his head. Perhaps Cartman was dead? Or, on the contrary, has killed someone and had been dissolving dismembered body of his victim for two weeks? One option was no better than the other, but nothing was even close to what he saw in Eric's bedroom.

Haggard, seven kilograms thinner, with an unhealthy skin color and bags under his eyes, he looked painfully wrong, not Cartman-like. He didn’t look exactly ill — more like lifelessly tired. But that wasn't even what hit Kyle so hard.

He did not suspect how much had been hidden in Cartman's eyes before – lively fire, hatred, anger, enthusiasm, passion – all this was gone, dissolved, buried under this empty, dead, unblinking gaze. For a second Kyle even thought (hoped?) that he was really dead, but the heaving chest under the blanket and almost inaudible sound of breathing exposed life in Cartman. He was lying on his back, his head slowly turned towards the window. Kyle sought recognition on his face, but did not see a single shade of any emotions.

He froze in the window, making eye contact with Eric, feeling like he saw something he shouldn't have. He tried to revive the old familiar hatred that usually boiled in him as soon as their eyes met, but Cartman’s emptiness totally killed all the anger. Kyle climbed through the window – Cartman didn't react in any way, lazily closing his eyes – and walked up to the bed, touching his shoulder timidly.

“Hey, Cartman?” he said, shuddering at the way his voice echoed throughout the bedroom. Cartman didn’t open his eyes but smiled hardly visibly.

“Hey, jew”. His voice was empty and emotionless and Kyle pursed his lips with a bit of a pain.

“You need to see a doctor, Cartman”, he said firmly as Eric finally opened one eye disinterestedly. “I’ll help you. I promise”.

And he did.

“kyman is a one sided pairing, kyle is not interested in cartman at all” KYLE JUMPED OFF THE ROOF AND WENT INTO A COMA JUST TO PROVE CARTMAN IS WRONG.

i have a REALLY big soft spot for the trope when character A sees good sides in character B even when nobody else does

and it’s so kyman like. really.

and i’m really sorry for this post ‘cause it’s very messy and i’m not good with words but i have so many thoughts about this–

when kyle starts to see some good sides of eric cartman it confuses him so much because he physically can’t believe cartman can have something nice deep inside. like, kyle sees how cartman suddenly cares a lot about cats and can defend them even when he won’t get any profit from that. or how sometimes cartman actually does good things and nobody seems to notice that? like in s10e2 “smug alert” when cartman risks himself to save kyle. i strongly hc that kyle learns about it from butters about a month after this all happened and he’s so shocked by that ‘cause he can’t even explain to himself why cartman would do that. and he’s starting to see more and more remotely positive things about cartman (especially since cartman’s taking his medication) and it surprises him how nobody ever praises him for that. or for anything, actually. it’s like they refuse to admit that cartman can be, well, not a devil himself.

and kyle’s starting to overthink it, so he goes to stan and starts asking him about cartman, about his personality and his good traits, and how nobody notices them, but stan doesn’t even listen. he just laughs and says that anything “good” cartman does he does for his own benefit and that he always has ulterior motives. and kyle feels this unfairness because yes, he agrees, cartman’s an asshole and it’s natural that all his friends hate him but HEY everyone deserves to be judged fairly. and as far as he can see – people don’t even try to give him a second chance. and, moreover, what’s worse – cartman doesn’t give himself second chance either.

i mean, actually, if you think about it a bit, you can notice how cartman never denies that he’s a shitty person. he knows he’s terrible, he knows he’s hated by most of the people he has met, and he knows that nobody expects anything good from him. so he doesn’t expect anything good from himself either. he just goes along with everyone’s judgement like “yep. i do not deserve good treatment because i do terrible things and hurt people all the time”. he can be dramatic and self-defensive sometimes, but actually you can see how he actually doesn’t believe in the second chance for himself.

and it confuses kyle. so much. and he really decides that it’s his new mission to prove cartman he can change and he can deserve second chance and good attitude from others. because what? because kyle just loves two things: saving and helping those in need (especially when it’s cartman) and proving other people wrong.

so, yep, it’s basically an au where as time passes children in south park start avoiding cartman because they’ve had enough of him and they’re really sick of his terrible personality. they don’t purposefully ignore him, just pay much less attention, and cartman (who has started to take medication that helps him with his mental state) tries to fight it at first and somehow accidentally hurts (not physically) stan and some other kids reaaaally bad while this, so eventually he just accepts that he’s not gonna be a part of friends group anymore. and he admits that, well, he saw it coming. his meds make him much calmer and melancholic, so he doesn’t even make a scene. he just sits at his house more and more often, skipping school to avoid his classmates. and while stan and kenny get over losing their close friend, kyle can’t. he grew closer to cartman because he really wants to save him. and – to his own surprise – he doesn’t feel like cartman deserves this loneliness.

and, well, sometimes stan and kyle have this kind of dialogue, when kyle (unsuccessfully) tries to change stan’s opinion on cartman.

stan: Dude, Cartman can’t go, he’ll ruin the whole party! Nobody will come if he’s there!

kyle: Well, it’s just… I know he’s an asshole and we hate him but don’t you think it’s a little too… harsh?

stan: “Harsh”? Kyle, we’re talking about Eric Cartman.

kyle: I know! It’s just… everyone will come, we can’t just ignore him, can we?

stan: We totally can. Remember how many times he spoiled parties just because he got bored?

kyle: Uh… You’re right… Sorry, I was just a bit… confused, I guess.

stan: That’s fine, dude. I’m always here to remind you of how much of a prick he is.

kyle: Huh, thanks…

and he realises that he doesn’t hate cartman as much as he did. because, really, kyle’s first reaction to seeing a person getting so much hatred and contempt is being defensive and trying to protect that person. and he feels, like, really bad for cartman, so he goes to his place to hang out together. and it’s like, well:

kyle: Don’t you feel bad when everyone there are having fun without you?

cartman: Yeah, it kinda sucks but it’s not like I can do something about it.

kyle: So what? You’re just gonna stay at home for months talking to nobody but me and Butters?

cartman: That was my plan, right. It’s not that bad anyway.

kyle: Two days ago you said you can’t spend too much time with me or you “get infected with jewishness”.

cartman: I became immune to it.

kyle: *laughs* Well, it’s not like I mind it too much as well.

cartman: You know, that’s the part that bothers me.

kyle: Huh?

cartman: Why are you here, spending you weekend with me instead of helping Stan with his party?

kyle, shrugging: Not really into parties. Besides, I didn’t expect it but you’re not the worst company, you know.

cartman: Oh, come on.

kyle: What?

cartman: Stop making fake compliments to make me feel better, jew.

kyle: What do you mean “fake”?

cartman: I know you’re only doing this because you don’t want me to be alone.

kyle: What?

cartman: Well, you know, your terrible saviour complex? When you see a pathetic lonely person and you just have to come and save him so you can feel better about yourself and feed your ego?

kyle: What the fuck are you even talking about?? Do you really think I’m here only because I pity you?

cartman: Why else would you be here?

kyle: Oh my god, can’t believe I actually thought we were getting along while you just assumed I was having ulterior motives!

cartman: So you claim you wasn’t and it was all sincere?

kyle, offended: Yes!!

cartman: …Nah. Unconvincing, Kahl, work on your acting skills, would ya?

kyle: You know what? Fuck you. I just… I can’t even…

cartman: Oh, finally, good ol’ Kahl is back here.

kyle, slamming the door on his way out: UGH.

and so kyle leaves and ofc he’s irritated and annoyed and angry, but the thing that bothers him so much is that cartman didn’t seem to actually believe someone would really hang out with him now without having ulterior motives. and it warms kyle’s heart and it starts over again and again – kyle getting closer to cartman and realising how lonely he really is all the time.

and, well. he ends up catching himself defending cartman in front of their classmates and choosing him over them. and then, you know, a typical slowburn fanfic for 100k words :D

so, yeah, i don’t know if someone will actually read it until the end, but, uh, i love this scenario when eric actually becomes a better person just for kyle – because kyle is (surprisingly) the only one to even believe that cartman can be better. and eric appreciates that.

I was iffy on posting this bc I have a LOT of ideas preceding and following this particular scenario and wanted to have it all finished before i shared stuff, but, eh. If I draw anymore, i’ll compile it somehow. I probs won’t clean up the comics more than this though due to being busy, so u guys only get loose scribbles.

Also shoutout to @numbknee’s fics for hella inspiring me enough to want to loosely play with some of their ideas/characterizations (hoping they don’t mind), if u haven’t read their fics, you should: https://archiveofourown.org/users/numbknee/pseuds/numbknee/works?fandom_id=35537

SO i’ve been thinking about this plot when cartman dies. or rather, particularly about kyle’s reaction to cartman’s death ‘cause yk. kyman is rotting my brain.

first of all i strongly believe that everyone who thinks kyle would be happy or indifferent about cartman’s death are mischaracterising him so badly. like. come on. you don’t have to ship kyman to understand this would be a major shock for him and he would possibly even blame himself. think whatever you want, but they’re still best friends no matter what.

then, um, i think that only three people would actually react to cartman’s death properly, and it’s stan, butters and kyle. but stan’s reaction would be something similar to s5e13 “kenny dies”, because he would freak out about one of his friends dying, not because it’s exactly cartman. then goes butters who doesn’t really understand the concept of dying but is still pretty confused and scared. they’re very close so it would hurt butters. kenny doesn’t show any strong emotions, but that is because he’s used to death and anyway he’ll definitely meet cartman in hell.

what about kyle, though, i’m pretty sure that he won’t believe this news for a single second for, like, several days. he would convince everyone it’s “One of these stupid pranks, come on, dude, don’t tell me he managed to fool you”. and although most of the people didn’t believe cartman’s death the first second, kyle would be stubborn enough to deny reality for almost a week. he would look at cartman’s dead body and be like “Wow, that’s almost convincing, you really outdid yourself, Fatass. This fake corpse must’ve really cost you a fortune” and everyone else around him has no idea how to tell him it’s true.

he would stand at cartman’s funeral with the most bored and irritated face saying loudly: “Okay, Fatass, we get it, you tricked us all, bravo, now cut this shit off already, it’s not even funny anymore”, making liane cry even more desperately.

but then there went five days, then a week, and kyle finally started to realise the truth because cartman is too hyperactive to do this kind of prank for so long, he would definitely get bored and show up after, like, two days of disappearance.

and kyle really understood that while everyone else was mourning he was being a dick not even letting himself think for a single minute that this all might be real. like. he couldn’t even imagine a thought of the world without cartman, it just seemed so wrong so he really preferred acting like it’s all fake. and it made him feel so, so guilty. i’m pretty sure at that moment he almost forgot every horrible thing cartman had done to kyle, he just kept thinking about positive moments and he started missing cartman so badly. he wouldn’t admit it to anyone, even to himself, probably, but his life without cartman was somehow incomplete.

and then the rage came. we know how kyle tends to overreact and do something massive when he feels negative emotions, right? like, he tried to burn down the school because of the girls’ list, he freaking nuked canada after seeing cartman and heidi dating and being left behind, and i’m pretty sure there are plenty of examples.

so no matter how cartman died he would try to compensate it somehow. he didn’t know how to deal with this grief and shock so he tried to fight with the reason. did cartman die ‘cause of doctors incompetence? then kyle will sue the goddamn hospital cartman died at. car accident? he will organise a picket about drivers’ carelessness and send the person who hit cartman to jail. and so on, so on.

and everyone would be surprised and he would make excuses like “I’m not doing it because of Cartman, it’s just… it’s a big problem in our country, I want justice, that’s all”.

but he would blame himself. for his constant fights with cartman, for his disbelief the first days, for letting cartman die like this and not being around. and he started to think about their friendship when cartman was alive and–

kyle: It’s been two weeks, and I still can’t believe it, Stan. In my mind he’s still here and I expect to see him at the bus stop every morning. Is it normal?..

stan: I know how you feel. It’s hard for all of us, dude.

kyle: I mean, why did it take me so long to understand he wasn’t joking?

stan: Well, you guys were sort of archrivals, so I guess it’s not surprising...

kyle: Huh… we were, weren’t we?…

and it’s so heartbreaking.

“oh, i have so many otps in south park i’m a total multishipper and am open to every possible dynamic!”

*continues talking about kyman and nothing but kyman*

y’know who’s the biggest kyman hater on earth? stan marsh.

so i’ve written some headcanons about kyman’s love languages right here, and i mentioned cartman being absolutely disgusting with his pda, so i think he’d like pissing both kyle and stan with kissing and being affectionate to kyle in public.

‘cause, you know, when kyle and stan are talking to each other and ignoring cartman’s Very Important Presence, he actually tries to be patient but then he finally fails and sneaks up to kyle and does something unexpected like sitting on kyle’s laps or biting his neck with the most innocent face. and that’s it. kyle.exe stopped working, he’s completely distracted and stan is irritated af looking at satisfied cartman. so they have this conversation every time stan and kyle want to hang out together:

stan: No, no, wait, dude, don’t tell me Cartman’s gonna be here all the time!

cartman: What’s the matter, Stan? You’re jealous of me and Kahl having this wonderful relationship you’d never have?

stan: First of all: gross. Secondly: I hate you, Cartman, and I totally disrespect you, Kyle, for dragging him to every walk we have.

kyle: Oh, come on, dude, don’t be such a drama queen, you won’t even notice his presence! Just ignore him.

cartman: Hey! >:[

stan: No-o, I know how it always happens. Every time I talk to you for more than a few minutes this asshole gets bored and distracts you with some disgusting things like licking your neck or, I dont know, sitting on your laps.

kyle: Oh, please, that happened only once or twice! Look, I’m a mature and conscious person, I can ignore Cartman when I want to.

cartman: Ha! Lying jew. You can’t resist me.

kyle: Shut up, Fatass!

stan: See?? That’s what I was talking about. You never pay attention to anything when he’s around!

kyle: I resent these baseless accusations.

in kyle's defense, i want to say that he will eventually handle this so it won’t affect his friendship with stan. stan may be acting all grumpy and whiny about kyman’s relationship but he really is kind of supportive of them and is happy his best friend finally found someone to be together with. even if this “someone” is eric cartman.

so i’ve been thinking A LOT about kyman love languages recently and here’s what i’ve come up with:

kyle’s love language is definitely help.

he’s pretty used to helping those in need and that is how he usually shows affection. he doesn’t say “i love you” or hugs cartman often, but when he has a chance to stay at cartman’s room he will subconsciously clean up everything here and there; he keeps an eye on whether cartman is taking his meds; he will casually tuck him in at a sleepover, help cartman with his homework (constantly grumbling about cartman’s laziness), buy his favourite chocolate bar at the store… but he will never admit he actually cares about cartman, neither will he accept the same help from eric. he will deny it and make excuses although everyone understands how much he really protects cartman.

in response he loves to get affection with quality time!

he won’t admit it but he loves dates for just the two of them.

what about cartman, uh, he mostly expresses his love with physical touching.

and it’s so. so. terrible. cartman knows how much kyle hates pda so he usually tries to embarrass kyle with unexpected kisses in public :D cartman’s the type to intervene kyle’s conversation to demonstratively hug him from the back and kiss his neck and then just go away without any explanation leaving kyle all blushing and distracted. kyle is seriously pissed off every time so they have the same dialogue every goddamn week:

kyle: Did you really have to kiss me in front of everyone?

cartman: That Mexican dude was obviously hitting on you.

kyle: I don’t even know his name, asshole!

cartman: What’s the problem, Kyle? Can’t I just kiss my boyfriend when I feel like it? Is it prohibited? Or are you just homophobic?

kyle: I can’t even tell how tired of your bullcrap I am.

cartman: Because, Kyle, last time I checked America was a free country! Where people like me could kiss people like you whenever they want!!

kyle: Do you even hear yourself?

cartman: Anyway, didn’t you like it though?

kyle, blushing: It was… fine, I guess…

and in response cartman loves to get attention with words of affirmation or praise.

he’s so desperate to get praised by kyle :( i mean nobody really says nice things to him except for his own mother so every time kyle says something like “wow, cartman, you did a great job, huh… that’s surprising…” and cartman can’t hide these happy sparkles in his eyes. also it’s the highest reward for him to be called “eric” by kyle.

my favorite thing about s11e8 (le petit tourette) is definitely this scene in the very end.

cartman sounds so sincere like he never usually does, and, according to the plot, he wasn’t able to lie or even control his words at that moment. i like to think that all this “i love you man, thank you kyle” is how cartman truly feels about kyle. i mean usually he wouldn’t bother with anything more than a simple “thank you, kyle”. like, it must really mean something if he is so unexpectedly affectionate exactly when he’s unable to control what he’s saying, right?

more lesbian heidi x gay kyle brosistp because i love them with all my heart!!!!

the first part of how their friendship started is here :3

they both can’t really accept their sexualities and strongly believe they’re straight even when it’s so clear they’re not.

like literally there are times when heidi shows kyle a photo of a pretty girl on her instagram and sighs asking kyle: “Isn’t she the most beautiful person in the world? She’s so captivating!”

and kyle just stares at her indifferently and responds in a monotonous voice barely even looking at the picture: “Yeah, she has nice features, I guess?”

and then there’s this time when heidi mentions cartman’s appearance with a bit of disgust but in a way “all boys are ugly, but cartman is, uh…” and kyle starts defending him unexpextedly even for himself like:

kyle: I mean, yeah, he’s fat and has a shitty personality, but, um, I don’t know, he’s not that bad looking.

heidi: What do you mean “not that bad”?

kyle: Well, you know, he has these different eyes which is pretty cool and also, uh, his appearance is really… noticeable and… somehow different, I guess? And now that he started to take care of his looks, so… I think we shouldn’t judge others by how they look, but if we do I can’t deny that he can be, like, remotely attractive… He’s still an asshole though, but-

heidi, with a suspicious look on her face: Kyle?

kyle: Can we change the subject please I’m begging you.

heidi: Sure.

there’s something i’d like to share, and it’s this headcanon.

like. i have a whole kyman & weidi au about post-s21 heidi who’s trying to recover from her relationship with cartman and become the same kind, innocent and happy girl she was before. some of her friends (mostly wendy who hated heidi’s guts while her “cartman’s gf” arc but is actually quite caring and helpful for heidi seeing how she’s really willing to change) told her that in order to finally move on she has to apologise to kyle. she was feeling really guilty ‘cause of her behaviour… you know, telling kyle that antisemitic shit cartman has taught her and dumping him in s21e7. she never apologised to him properly and now she wanted to make a change.

so the au basically starts long time after heiman’s final breakup, when heidi finally has some strength to actually come up to kyle and apologise to him:

heidi: Hey, Kyle?

kyle, raising an eyebrow in surprise: Oh… Heidi?… I, um, didn’t expect to see you.

heidi: That’s… understandable. Listen, I just wanted to talk to you about something important. You’re not busy, are you?

kyle, looking back at kenny: No, no. Kenny, don’t you mind going to the class by yourself? I’ll talk to you later.

kenny, grinning and winking mockingly: (Sure, guys, take your time!)

kyle: …So, um, what did you want to discuss? Is it something about school?

heidi: No, no, it’s not. I, uh, I wanted to apologise to you. For how I acted before. You know, you really didn’t deserve this, Kyle. I was so mean to you when all you wanted was to make me feel better. It’s just… When I said all those horrible things that night, and when I made fun of you with Eri… with Cartman… I know you must hate me now, because I would hate me too if I were you. After all that time I spent feeling sorry for myself, making myself a victim instead of taking responsibility for my actions… I just wanted to let you know that I didn’t mean to hurt you. I was an awful person and I’m trying to change now.

kyle: Oh, wow. That’s nice to hear, but, Heidi, I never really hated you. I mean, you were dating Cartman, it’s only natural he spoiled and confused you and made you feel so much hatred and anger inside. I understand it and I really appreciate that you’re recovering now. Thanks for apologising!

heidi: You’re… you really are nice. No wonder he talked about you all the time, huh. …Well, um. I really have to go, but maybe if you don’t mind we could chat later. I’d really like to talk to you more.

kyle: Sure, Heidi! Maybe we can even hang out like friends, you know?

heidi, smiling brightly: Wow, that’d be great! Thanks again, Kyle! I’ll see you later then, I guess?

kyle: Yeah, see you, Heidi! It was nice talking to you!

and then kyle returns to kenny, who’s smiling knowingly and making inappropriate jokes:

kenny: So, how was it?

kyle: How was what?

kenny: Flirting with Cartman’s ex?

kyle: I didn’t flirt with her! She just apologised to me and told me she’d like to hang out sometimes.

kenny: U-huh, sure, dude. And that doesn’t seem kinda flirty to you?

kyle: I’m serious! It’s over, I dont feel anything for her and neither does she.

kenny: You kidding me? She was obviously hitting on you, Kyle! Oh, man, Cartman will be pissed off when he finds out!

kyle: You will not tell Cartman about this. And stop making this a big deal, get your own life already!

and the satisfaction and joy of finally getting a proper apology soon were replaced with irritation ‘cause kyle started to overthink things like he usually does. he started to think about heidi possibly having feelings for him while he really couldn’t feel the same so it kinda scared him. he didn’t want to hurt her or something by rejecting her, so he mostly tried to avoid her and acted really nervous around her. she tried to get closer with him, chat and something like that, but he only blushed and stuttered.

wendy having seen their interactions was quite annoyed. she wrongly assumed kyle had a crush on heidi and noticed with irritation that “this jerk can’t hide his feelings. he acts too much like he has something for you, heidi”. and heidi started to overthink too, ‘cause she really didn’t feel anything special for kyle and the possibility of having to reject him and break his heart again was just painful. so she started to avoid kyle too (‘cause they’re both stupid when it comes to dealing with other people’s emotions), making him even more convinced in her crushing on him.

so basically they avoid each other for like… at least a month before they finally have the talk.

kyle: Wait, Heidi!

heidi: Oh… hello, Kyle.

kyle: Heidi, listen to me carefully, I really need to tell you something. You’re a nice girl and I really, really like you–

heidi: (Oh, no…)

kyle: But I just can’t feel the same. I didn’t want to break your heart but Stan told me it’s only worse that I am giving you false hope, so, yeah… I am sorry, Heidi, you really are amazing, it’s just… uh…

heidi: Wait, what?

kyle: Please, just don’t start crying–

heidi: But you’re the one who’s in love with me! I was afraid to break your heart!

kyle: What? No, that’s nonsense! Kenny told me you were hitting on me.

heidi: Wendy told me you were hitting on me!

kyle: …So, wait, we don’t feel anything for each other?

heidi: I… guess so?

kyle: That’s… that’s a relief. I was so worried you’d be heartbroken.

heidi: Yeah, me too actually! But now we can hang out normally, without feeling awkward, right?

kyle, smiling: Sure we can!

and they really start to hang out and, moreover, i can see them becoming more like besties, you know… they hang out all the time and turns out they share a lot of hobbies together: they’re both history nerds, for example! but the main reason why they’re so similar is probably because they both suffer from sexuality crisis and internalised homophobia. they sure are gay & lesbian solidarity, huh. i’ve written a few words about heidi understanding she’s a lesbian here.

and we’re coming to a kyman part of story, because cartman is pissed off to see his ex and kyle getting along so well. everyone around him thinks it’s ‘cause he’s jealous and can’t just let heidi go, but the actual reason why he’s so frustrated is because of kyle spending so much time with a girl, lmao. he actually doesn’t really care about heidi anymore – though they are in fact kind of passively aggressive towards each other – but everyone else thinks otherwise. wendy gets really, really annoyed when cartman says something unpleasant about heidi and kyle spending their weekend together:

wendy: Will you stop bugging Heidi? She’s moved on, Cartman, get your own life and grow up already!

cartman, genuinely confused: Who the fuck cares about Heidi???

but not only wendy – kyle is the most surprised to see cartman getting so frustrated ‘cause of their friendship. he even tries to fight cartman after another unasked comment, genuinely not understanding why cartman is still so obsessed with him and heidi being friends (so oblivious lmao):

kyle: You said you don’t fucking care about Heidi anymore!!

cartman: I don’t!!!

kyle: Then why do you still go crazy when she spends her time with me?

cartman: …I’m just genuinely concerned for the poor girl. She has a risk of infection with jewish disease or something.

kyle: There’s no such thing as jewish disease, Fatass!!

and they continue arguing but cartman is distracted ‘cause he’s confused as hell and he keeps thinking why tf do i care and why do i hate seeing kyle with someone else wtf wtf wtf

and there’s like these scenes where cartman sneaks into kyle’s house and shows up at kyle’s room and then he sees kyle and heidi sitting on a bed together and laughing loudly at some nerdy documentary movie, and cartman gets all jelly and he glares at heidi like:

cartman: What is she doing here?

kyle: She’s watching a documentary with me. What are you doing in my room, Fatass?

so yeah basically that’s a slowburn about kyman and weidi and i can see candy&keidi brosistp so clearly.

TL;DR kyle is a confused homosexual heidi is a confused lesbian and they’re both oblivious af about their crushes :D

okay while we’re on the subject: cartman’s skills for languages are goddamn amazing like?? the boy is about ten years old and yet he knows german and a bit of spanish (i think?) that kinda amazes me.

so here’s a headcanon that cartman has improved his knowledge of german over the years and by high school he could speak fluently without any difficulties. he mostly did so ‘cause he had to know one foreign language for school studies, but the major part of choosing particularly german was (obviously) to tease and make fun of kyle since eric’s an absolute bastard. he was constantly mocking kyle while talking in german and watching kyle getting all pissed off. he didn’t really say anything mean – sometimes he was even making compliments taking the advantage of kyle not understanding the language, but how would kyle know that? he was sick of it and he absolutely hated the way cartman acted.

so in the summer before their senior year kyle came up with a devious plan starting to learn german by himself. it wasn’t really difficult even considering that kyle is much worse at learning languages than cartman is. he did have quite a success but he kept it a secret from everyone but stan. he studied hard cheered up by the thought of cartman’s future expression when he realises he doesn’t have this advantage anymore. and oh boy was it worth it.

after three months of daily studying they finally go back to school. kyle chooses german as an extra class – the one where cartman is – and prepares for the moment he has been waiting for so long.

it doesn’t take cartman long that day to come up to kyle and say to him something in foreign language. kyle gets pissed off immediately but then calms down realising with surprise that all that cartman said to him was “looking good, jew. i like how you look in school uniform” in german. with a nasty laugh and an arrogant smirk – to make it believable that he insults kyle, probably – but he was actually telling him quite nice things all day long thinking that kyle doesn’t understand a single word. that shocked kyle beyond belief but he wasn’t sure of how to react so he just kept fighting with cartman telling him to knock it off.

then the time for extra classes came, and kyle waited for the very last second until the bell rang to enter the class with the self-satisfaction on his face (‘cause he’s a dramatic and secretly a bit theatrical jerk).

cartman choked on air seeing kyle entering the classroom casually and taking his seat right in front of cartman without even dignifying eric with a single glance. cartman got completely lost for a few seconds and then laughed loudly shouting about “the jews who are not allowed to learn german ‘cause it’s fucking comical”. nobody really paid attention to him having got used to his antisemitic and gross comments. the teacher shushed him, and the lesson continued as usual. kyle was answering the teacher’s questions without troubles. meanwhile cartman was so stunned he couldn’t even concentrate properly and kept mumbling something unintelligible.

he tried to make a scene and fight with kyle for invading his safe “jewfree” place, but kyle just gave him a cheeky grin. “afraid i might get better at this than you are, cartman? oh, and thanks for what you’ve said earlier. i would’ve never thought you think this shirt makes my amazing green eyes look even deeper” leaving eric completely speechless.

bonus: sheila got completely crazy and hysterical over the fact of her son learning exactly german, but he explained it by his desire to break stupid stereotypes and prejudices about jews, so she was pretty satisfied and proud of him. he didn’t tell her he started it just ‘cause he wanted to anger cartman though.

another bonus: they both know spanish pretty well, so sometimes they get into arguments switching languages from english to german to spanish. stan and kenny just stand by and watch them fighting being slightly impressed by this scene. btw butters knows spanish too, but when he tries to cut in their conversation they just shout at him “shut up, butters” in unison in spanish so he apologises and steps back.

kyman high school au where cartman who has never really cared about his grades finally realises that kyle is kinda obsessed with being the best student and there is nothing that can piss him off more than being bested by someone like cartman. so eric basically just for fun decides to become a perfect student and since he has some kind of natural talent for studying and he’s a quick learner he pretty soon catches up with kyle so they start competing constantly.

and although kyle is a hardworking student, cartman is still perfect at cheating and convincing teachers of his “new” era of being an example student so their competition becomes rather brutal. and i mean it. the history classes are their battlefield where they debate with each other arguing constantly about some historical facts and theories for the whole lesson. and although cartman often makes controversial statements just to irritate kyle, he’s a better and more confident debater due to being an unashamed and charismatic asshole.

when their classmates are afraid of the test or something they beg eric to start a nerdy fight about something (sometimes he even gets paid for doing so).

also kyle kinda sucks at artistic subjects like arts or music or theatre while cartman is great at them (he’s very confident about music and acting which was proven in series multiple times). he often brags about being more imaginative than kyle is. in response kyle laughs at cartman’s constant C’s and B’s in biology/chemistry/geography.

so basically they both end up being called nerds but the only thing that matters to them is being better than each other. competitive & obsessed with each other smartasses :D

kyman high school au where cartman who has never really cared about his grades finally realises that kyle is kinda obsessed with being the best student and there is nothing that can piss him off more than being bested by someone like cartman. so eric basically just for fun decides to become a perfect student and since he has some kind of natural talent for studying and he’s a quick learner he pretty soon catches up with kyle so they start competing constantly.

and although kyle is a hardworking student, cartman is still perfect at cheating and convincing teachers of his “new” era of being an example student so their competition becomes rather brutal. and i mean it. the history classes are their battlefield where they debate with each other arguing constantly about some historical facts and theories for the whole lesson. and although cartman often makes controversial statements just to irritate kyle, he’s a better and more confident debater due to being an unashamed and charismatic asshole.

when their classmates are afraid of the test or something they beg eric to start a nerdy fight about something (sometimes he even gets paid for doing so).

also kyle kinda sucks at artistic subjects like arts or music or theatre while cartman is great at them (he’s very confident about music and acting which was proven in series multiple times). he often brags about being more imaginative than kyle is. in response kyle laughs at cartman’s constant C’s and B’s in biology/chemistry/geography.

so basically they both end up being called nerds but the only thing that matters to them is being better than each other. competitive & obsessed with each other smartasses :D