(suicide) Cw - Blog Posts

Get your head together stardust!~

Heh, I love this take on this, it’s far more hilarious than my game was.  If anyone is interested in actually playing it, you can download a windows installer from https://drive.google.com/file/d/0B7bqhY0xzEu3ckxadVA1d2ZleU0/view?usp=sharing.  If you’re worried about downloading strange files from the internet, that’s very wise of you!  The source code is here: https://github.com/isaach/sdabto.  This will also let you run it on a mac or linux machine.  Click the ‘download ZIP’ button and then run it with python 3 (which you may have to install) from the command line for some text-based good times!  Well, not really good times, as @ave-puella mentioned.  

If anyone actually wants to play this game and is having trouble getting it going hit me up and I’ll help you run it.  I really love hearing people’s reactions to it.

first person computer game: mental illness

> ‘command: walk out front door’ is not allowed. the future is terrifying. staying at your start point inside the house is your best bet.

> good job! lying on the couch and staring at the opposite wall for two hours has boosted your energy. you can now throw away the jar of peanut butter you had for dinner last night. 

> the quest you are following no longer exists. a full day has passed and your priorities have changed. go to the menu to read your new quest. 

> minus one mind point. your last save was two months ago. click ‘ok’ to repeat the ‘get a diagnosis’ quest while under the influence of an unmemory potion. 

> oops! the villager doesn’t understand your explanation of ‘weird brain fog.’ now they treat you with suspicion. looks like you have to go to the next village for your errands from now on. 

> you have collected five good days! check your menu for your new treasure, ‘memory of when i could function’. it might come in handy in the future! 

> cube unlocked! you have accessed action: ‘cry’. all quests will be put on hold until ‘cry’ is complete. 

> cube unlocked! you have accessed action: ‘spontaneous desolation’. all quests > cube unlocked! you have accessed action: ‘negativit > cube unlocked! you have > cube unlocked! you have accessed action: ‘only taylor swift songs make me feel anything’. all quests will be put on hold until > cube unlocked! you have accessed action: ‘scream’. all quests will be put on hold until ‘scream’ is complete. 

> this is your new companion, GARGOYLE. he will accompany you on the quest ‘pass as functioning’. keep an eye out for his secondary weapon: whispering ugly truths only you can hear.

one thing that continually surprises? frustrates? me abt having a stable enough life, being not suicidal Anymore is that sometimes I Am again. not in that Means Plans Intent trifecta. Just. a piece of me starts saying "you should kill yourself."

and it's wailing and crying and like when you're responsible for a baby suddenly wailing and crying I can't just Shush it. it's expressing some need that isn't met, some stressor that's overwhelming, some desire for Escape and an Out. but wailing and crying and saying "you shouldn't be alive" because that's what it knows

so I have to gently, exasperatedly, still hearing those chants of "just die, it's easier, disappear", feed and water and care for this baby. give it toys. take it on a walk. wait for those hiccuping sobs to turn to quiet sighs.

then maybe get an answer. what happened. what's gone wrong. the baby didn't like "my friends don't want to go to this thing with me and I'm taking it as a Rejection of wanting to spend time w me" and also "I woke up late and missed a little event I was looking forward to and blame myself because I played video games late into the night when I Shouldn't Have and Knew Better" and maybe "I'm pissed off that I have to go to a Work Event on the Weekend with really unclear expectations when I'd rather be doing something fun" plus "I'm feeling sensitive bc a podcast I listened to hours ago talked abt a way of thinking that is Triggering [for specific reasons] and I might've been mildly dissociating for the better part of this evening"

and parse it out. Okay. I get it. you feel lonely and overtaxed and uncertain about the future and blame yourself for issues now but with the moral valence of [specifics redacted]. also this has caused a fair bit of pain flare.

then your sad, wounded, tired shell has to make a life worth living out of this. and life is worth living, and it will be, and these are now problems you can work on and share honestly with people who care about you and find different ways of balancing your time and energy and give yourself a little treat and connect with something you enjoy

and you're not going to kill yourself. you'll make things better. but it's still tiring.

The thing about creativity is that I think it's good that I barely have any because if I had creativity I'd use it to form a painless suicide plan and that would be the end of me.

You should look into your country's national suicide number and call them. They can help you and it will be good for you to talk to someone who is trained to help people like you. Please don't make a mistake by taking your own life. God bless you. I'm praying you'll get the support you need.

Thanks, but I'm not sure if I would call myself suicidal. That seems somewhat extreme, though given my posts I understand why you'd call me that.

It feels like I'm at an impasse in life due to certain reasons and given my circumstances, I don't think my future will be that good, especially with the way the world's going.

I'm not really the typical image of suicidal and I don't often think about death as much as some suicidal people do-it just feels as if my death wouldn't be that bad because there doesn't seem to be much for me in life anyway.

Honestly, talking of suicide hotlines-what would I say? What would we even talk about? My life? They're not really a therapist. And I'm not that suicidal anyway. I'd really just be wasting their time.

Thanks for the message anyway. I think I really need to help myself, which I don't know how to do.

Maybe it's just self-projection, but I honestly don't think that you'd be that sad if I ended it.

I mean, I'm just a random person online. We interact sometimes, we comment and reblog and like, but at the end of the day, we're just names on a screen and we don't even interact that much.

Would you really be that devastated if I ended it? I don't think so.

I'm not sure how I'd feel if you ended it and I don't want to sound like a jerk, but I don't think that I'd be that sad if you ended it. I mean, I would be somewhat anguished for some time, and I'd feel empty if I thought about you for too long, but other than that, I don't know if I'd feel anything. Maybe it's just because I'm not that emotionally attached to things. I'm so sorry if I sound like a bad person, I don't mean to be.

This isn't meant to be edgy or accusatory or anything, just my honest thoughts.

Adding on to the vent.

Tw/cw: suicide mention, suicidal thoughts, and shit like that

What do you do when in past lives you were disabled but still did stuff that you can't in this life?

What do you do when you realize that you should be more able to do stuff in this life but you are less able?

What do you do when you can't even talk about most of this to most people you know in person cause they wouldn't understand and would hate you?

What do you do when you want to make yourself more disabled than you already are?

What do you do when you are so close to trying to end it all because you can't see why you should keep living?

What do you do when you don't even think you could end it all cause you're scared and just not really wanting to end it all?

What do you do when you can't mention this to people cause you don't want to be sent away even when the place you're currently at sucks?

What do you do when you want to live but you want to die?

- Shay 🐾

Little vent from us. We are kinda going through some shit rn.

We don't think there are any tw/cw but if there are let us know.

What do you do when you realize that you might not be able to work a "normal" job or maybe any job at all ever?

What do you do when you realize that your disabilities affect what you are able to do in ways that are so against what you wanted to do and what you wish you could do?

What do you do when disabilities are actually disabling?

What do you do when other people don't understand even when they are disabled themselves?

What do you do in any situations where disabilities affect what happens?

What do you do when you need to tell people and make them understand that you are disabled and that means you can't do the same things as others?

- Shay 🐾

What do you do when you are disabled?

Tw/cw: dissociating, suicide mention, distressing stuff(?), election and politics.

Ok, for a bit, we are gonna have to just fully avoid any posts to do with the election and politics, so any of my mutuals, please tag any posts you make about these with the tags for them, please. So we can properly avoid them.

Need to take a break from it cause it is causing too much distress and shit.

I (the host) can feel myself dissociating [not necessarily to do with system/plural shit] and just we need to stop looking at it for now.

Also, please, any of my mutuals, tag if you mention suicide or killing yourself (either kms or kys versions), please. Cause we can't always deal with that, so we need to be able to avoid those posts when needed.

Basically, just please tag your posts properly, especially for trigger or content warnings, please.

The best thing would probably to be getting off of the internet/social media fully for a bit, but we can't really do that fully. Won't explain anymore than that.

Shay (They/it) & Declan? (They/them + ve/vem/ver/vers/vemself and thi/thim/thims/thims/thimself)

Tw/cw: suicide, all caps in parts of our post

Ok, this is a great post, love it, thank you.

BUT PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF EVERYTHING; TAG OR ADD THE TRIGGER WARNING FOR SUICIDE!! SOME BEINGS NEED TO BE ABLE TO FILTER POSTS WITH THAT OUT SO PLEASE ACTUALLY FUCKING TAG IT!!

As I said, it's a great post, and we love it, but still, tags of this kind are very important, so please tag any trigger warnings, especially suicide.

- Shay (They/it)

queer people of all kinds. i am looking you in the eyes. do not fucking kill yourself. are you listening to me it will be okay. it will get better. i am shaking you by the shoulders do. not. fucking. do. it. you have so much to keep going for and so many people who love you. the cost of the present will not outweigh the life ahead of you. i love you. chin up or down keep walking you'll get there. we will pull you back up onto your feet should you fall. i love you

Time for more bad memories from my life as Zuki. I have debated about posting this a few times but I think I need to, to get it off my chest or whatever you wanna say.

Tw/cw: (failed) suicide attempt, suicidal thoughts, self harm, death of a family member, grief, and abuse. Let me know if I missed any tw/cw.

There were times right after I turned 14 years old as Zuki (my aunt, who I looked up to so much, died on my 14th birthday so yeah) that I ended up going to the top of my middle school building [I couldn't fly at the time] and was debating jumping from it, I never did.

But a few days after my 14th birthday, all the grief and anger and shit I felt from my aunt's death (she was a hero, and she died fighting some villains) had gotten to be too much for me to deal with and I went to a part of the middle school that pretty much no one went to and pretty much everyone wouldn't have cared about me anyways.

Anyway, I went to the secluded place of the school and I had a knife in my backpack, I always carried it with me, not only because of self-harm tendencies but also because it was a gift from my aunt who died. I thought I was alone, cause who in their right mind would be in this part of that school? (Neither of us there were in our right mind, so I guess that answers that, lol).

Anyway, I took the knife and cut pretty deep on my arms and legs. I had put down something, I think it was my jacket, to try and make less of a mess with the blood cause I didn't wanna cause too much more trouble, lol. But someone who I didn't really know well (I kinda wish it stayed that way, but whatever) came and helped me to the nurse's room. If that nurse could have let me just die, she would've, but she didn't wanna get in trouble with my older sibling, lol.

Anyways, that nurse just did the bare minium, so I wouldn't die. I talked a bit with the girl who saved me. She seemed nice (seemed is the key word there). After the school day ended, it was like only an hour or so cause I did this during my free period, which was my last 'class' of the day. After the bell rang, I walked to a little medical building that [mainly] was for those with no quirks, hated quirks, etc. So because of this, it didn't have a mandatory reporting thing, which was good for me, cause I didn't want anyone else to know that I tried to kill myself and failed. But yeah, the lady who helped me then was very nice and I would continue to go there when I needed medical stuff.

The girl who saved me, about a week or so later, came up to me and said she liked me romantically. While I am (was?) cupioromantic, I didn't know that at the time, so I thought I liked her romantically as well, so I told her that and we started dating.

It was great at first, but after about 2 weeks or so of dating, she started to hurt me, while I did technically know this wasn't good, I had believed it had to be different here and that she was still good and everything (she wasn't, the abusive asshole).

Eventually, when I was like 15 and ½ years old or something like that, I realized I didn't feel romantic attraction at all and told my 'girlfriend' and broke up with her. It didn't go well.

She ended up stabbing me a few times, shit happened. Afterwards, I went to that same medical building I mentioned before and they helped me not die.

Eventually, I realized that my ex was probably only with me cause she wanted someone easy to hurt and shit. Idk just probably wasn't love from her end.

- Zuki Shay Lupo (They/it) | I could go more into detail about probably all of this but I'm not gonna right now