Tf2 Headcanons - Blog Posts

Merc aux access

(here are some of my headcanons for what the mercs music tastes could be, probably very inaccurate with the time period they live in)

Scout: has no aux access. Is very PROHIBITED TO BLASTING HIS “shitty white boy music” as others call it. It is not. It is art, TOM JONES IS ART. He has an okay music taste it’s just that it’s all about love n shit and that gets the mercs depressed. A bit of pop but surprisingly (or not) mostly hip hop.

Engie: also has no aux access despite being the one to modify and improve the music player in the base. Would play an overbearing amount of country. At first it was fun but then the country blues came and everyone got depressed again. Will still play country by himself with his guitar tho, if given the chance will do a little performance, then it kindda turns intoo it’s own orchestra since a lot of the boys know how to play instruments, it’s a great time for everyone. Johnny Cash is his god and Dolly is his queen.

Soldier: plays anything American per usual. Despite blasting the anthem one too many times is still allowed to choose music because he can pick some good songs from “Huey Lewis and the News” or “Earth, Wind & Fire”

Medic: absolute maniac, the most unpredictable out of all of em (and that says a lot in a team that has Pyro). Will sometimes go the whole evening having peacefully classical music to help everyone “focus” but then will start blasting heavy metal laughing maniacally. Is the true definition of “I like every genre”

(They are too afraid to take the aux away from him)

Demo: self explanatory, likes anything with accordions and bagpipes. But does genuinely enjoy orchestra music or any songs with strong buildups to big climaxes. Sits there on the edge of his seat waiting for the transition between Beethoven's 5th the 3rd and the to the 4th movement even tho he’s listens to it a million times. Still makes him tear up.

Sniper: not much of a music enthusiast since he’s mostly alone in a very quiet place mumbling to himself all the time, but surprising enjoys jazz when given the opportunity. It’s the only time he really looks like he’s enjoying himself, tapping away, so no one dares to disturb him those moments.

Spy: 60’s French jazz, can probably name 10 artists on top of his head. Says it’s for “culture” and “mission reserch”. Is just a huge nerd for that genre but will never admit it. Yes, Sniper comes to listen and they sit there statically, but don’t let that device you on the inside they are overjoyed.

Heavy: will play classical Russian ball music or even songs from old cartoons and sing along with them not messing up a single lyric. Gets very emotional, knows how to slow dance a bit but is too insecure to try. Engie offered to guide him, tho says Spy would be better since he knows how but Heavy refuses knowing how harsh Spy can be, he can’t handle that much. He don’t wanna look like little baby. Hopes to show Medic his skills when he’s confident enough tho.

Pyro: anything that is upbeat (that can come with repercussions since they have trouble understanding speech so mostly don’t care for the lyrics and we all know that happy sounding doesn’t always have the same meaning lyrically). Also tracks that have clear instrument sounds. Likes to pretend play one of them and can match the beat very easily if they want to tap it out on the table.

that tweet but it’s offense/defense/support

TEEN FORTRESS!!

I had the idea of designing what each merc looked like at 18, so heres my take on it! this was such a fun project, im thinking of making a comic based off of it...

My head cannon for the tf2 meece is that they all have a ton of scars all over from battle that the respawn machine doesn't get rid of this is just my idea for one of scouts more noticeable scars

Who Is Scout's Ma?

She's a character we know extremely little about, however when you stop to consider the IMPLICATIONS of what little we DO know, things start to get interesting:

1. She lives in the roughest part of Boston ("if you were from where I was from, you'd be dead") but dresses quite elegantly.

2. She had 8 boys, all of whom she raised BY HERSELF, and yet somehow she finds the time to maintain this impeccable appearance.

3. Scout clearly loves and admires her to a point where it's one of the few things he'll drop his "tough guy" act for, and dialogue in the comics like "Ma's gonna kill me if she finds out" implies he also still fears her disapproval, despite being a fully autonomous adult.

4. Spy, despite what he likes to pretend, is clearly head-over-heels for her. He even had her likeness engraved on his fanciest gun! (Note the distinct hairband & hoop earrings) For a man who avoids attachment to the point where he never lets anyone see his face, that's an unusual degree of infatuation.

5. None of Scout's brothers left Boston while he was growing up, despite a few of them presumably being adults by then. Not only this, they were still all getting into fights together, implying they were both continuing to live with or near their mother and brothers, AND had reasons to brawl with others beyond just some adolescent street scuffle.

My Theory:

Scout's Ma is the matriarch of a Boston-based crime family.

It explains her elegant appearance, how she and Spy were able to meet, why their bond clearly goes beyond a one-off fling, why she was able to be in Scout's life so much despite the financial burdens of being a single mother of 8, and why all of said 8 were continuing to get into fights with other locals. They weren't just some street gang, they were enforcers. It also explains why/how Scout got into mercenary work, his many mafia-themed weapons, and why he continues to fear her ire even as an adult.

Plus, take a look at this unused angle of the last photo from Meet The Spy:

You'd THINK a single mother from the rough side of Boston wouldn't appear so in-her-element on a fancy date with The Spy, and yet her appearance and demeanour here just SCREAM "confident and in control."

Scout's Ma is Boston's Godmother, and I desperately wish to see someone draw her as such.

hey since you’ve posted two pieces in a row about my boy Scout I was wondering if maybe you could write more your thoughts/your hcs about him? I think he’s really interesting and I don’t often see people realize that he’s more complex that what he seems, like this man just seems very sad inside. i really like your analyses and your takes are some of my favorites

hope you have a good day!

Appreciate it! Although I probably won't say anything particularly new... Okay, let's talk about Scout!

Though he no doubt wears the persona of a confident cool guy, protecting his ego from vulnerability, I wouldn't say there's sadness inside him. More accurate would be fear.

People with sadness baggage are pretty passive and quiet. And Scout's reaction is to hit, run, scare away, cling anxiously to the object of security. That's fear. He's fearful.

He doesn't think about it much, he's a pretty happy guy in the environment he's in. But if something makes him go off the rails and he starts, God forbid, thinking.....

His core fear is not living up to his place in the world. He knows there's a place for him, but for some reason he feels like people think he's not good enough to take it. Anyone better and stronger could take his place at any time. He's on bird's rights here.

Growing up with older brothers, being not good at school, being the smallest and youngest mercenary of the team, this feeling doesn't leave him ever. It's a tiresome inner struggle: "How do I make my stay secure?", "How do I become worthy?"

Falling into this cognitive trap of searching for self validation in the outside world instead of inside of himself, he was doomed to be stuck in ambivalence:

To continue to pretend, risking being exposed as an imposter, or to be sincere and inevitably endure the unbearable pain of rejection and loneliness?

He laughs and taunts and overexplains himself so much. He clings to the only thing he's better than everyone at. He overcompensates; he demands attention and tries to make himself bigger. He hates being alone as it basically feels like being actually pushed off his place in the world. He clings to people but immediately pushes them away for being too dangerously close to finding out his fears. He needs to be with everyone to know and to control what they think about him.

And it never makes him calm down anyway, since all those efforts take a lot of energy. Tiresome to be, tiresome to pretend. And the prize is nowhere near the sight.

This loop of pain will never end, unless he breaks the very core mindset of his. The answer is stepping into this fear, but he can't even think about it! It feels like death! His ego will die and it's going to feel like he's dying as a whole.

A full existential, primal fear of an child to be rejected by his parent. "Not worthy of living".

(Based on the Lise Bourbeau's model of 5 soul wounds: Abandonment)

i’ve never asked a question before on tumblr, but I am absolutely in love with your headcannons! So I decided to ask one:

Why did the mercenaries choose to become hired killers instead of getting a normal job?

Scout: he was desperate for money so he could support his Ma

Soldier: he kept being denied joining the army and becoming a solider, so he turned to the only company that would make him feel like one

Pyro: it was this or go back to some very dark places, but at least here they have a group of friends and not people treating them like a freak

Demoman: demolition work runs in the family but he found regular demolition to be too boring, Mann Co. allows him to make and test his own bombs

Heavy: similar to Scout, he wanted to make money to support his family but knew boxing wasn't going to cut it in the long run

Engineer: his family has always had close ties with Mann Co. and so it was more expected of him to follow that path

Medic: mercenary work for Mann Co. was the only place willing to allow him to perform his experiments, plain and simple

Sniper: there's a lot of sick people out there in the world, and he only needs one bullet per person to take them all out

Spy: this type of work is all he's ever known

I have a headcanon about medic in my head that he's really bad at caring for people. Like, even if he wanted it would look awful. He's so used to not care, that when he'll finally would want to do this it would be either awkward or strange for him and pretty scary for others. Considering that he's not really an empathetic person, it would be even more hard for him. I can literally see him throwing bottles of water at people so they stayed hydrated, anonymously crushing sleeping pills into people's coffee or just shooting the cigarettes out of hands because he just doesn't know the other way of showing that he cares. At some point he'll definitely get better, but that's gonna take a lot of time.

"RED and BLU mercs look the same because of the game mechanic! They represent different people while using the same models! YOU are the player, so YOU are the mercenary too!"

Fair, but. Even if it is just a game limitation... I can't help but be confused as to WHY those game characters are SO UNIQUE IN PERSONALITIES if they are meant to be a representative mass?

I have to questions to hl1 scientist. No question no hl2 citizens. To CS characters. They are plain and faceless, they are meant to be background masses.

Tf2 mercs, however? SO unique and distinct. Their shapes and bodies, their movements, their voicelines - even with no particular story about them, there's SO MUCH personality! They have to be heroes! Not JUST classes!

I've never understood the explanation "they are different people who look similar to eachother" because eeehh... Have fun as you want, but I'm personally not convinced. Even with a rhetoric "Heavies have to be strong af and scouts have to be fast and small and all medics are insane and Germans" that's still not it.

Obviously I don't think about it while playing the game, but when it's time to think about the lore... The comics never answered the question of who the teams are - retconed and ignored.

I was surprised and confused as to why it was never brought up anywhere in canon. Maybe because this case is so exceptional and unique to tf2, it was actually cursed by it's own greatness?

Let's be real, tf2 characters are heroes. Yet unlike Overwatch and such, players ARE allowed to have as many repeating classes as they want. Moreso - the opposite team is designed to be the same characters.

What the fuck.

Tf2 mercs exist in a superposition where they are more than just classes but not enough humans to be heroes.

And that brings us to my other point...

Now you might say "but the lore is goofy, they WOULD hire people with very specific features –" shhhhh. Don't you see? That's part of the issue.

The mercs are constantly dehumanized.

For whatever reason people think is useful. In the comics they are shown to be absolute idiots for comedic effect, sometimes flanderizing them even, reducing any human feature that isn't funny enough.

In fandom it's enough to just dress a merc in different clothes for people to start calling them OCs. Even if you didn't mean to make an oc.

With the goddamn clone theory I've seen people often saying that since BLU are clones, they are subhuman/unworthy - authors thoughts, not just in-univrse rhetoric.

It's almost as... Tf2 mercs are not human but a species??? Creatures without autonomy?

Always been like this?

Maybe I'm the only one bothered by this, but... You know me, I'm a no fun who loves taking this kind of shit seriously.

...

I started from talking about why they look identical on different teams. I think the clone theory is very probable, even though many people say it's cringe. The clone theory would make so much sense if it was real.

Recently I've watched Mickey 17. It felt so good to be finally understood. Every point of this film is all the things I feel towards tf2.

Respawn makes you less human. And corporations treat you as expendable, always. If they find a way to dehumanize you, it will be easier to convince everyone that you deserve violence/it's not a big deal.

If in tf2 the two identical megacorps fight with eachother over power (tf2 wiki/ original game setting), it would make all the sense for them to just clone the 9 mercs and make them expendable. It's cheaper. Emesis Blue did it right.

And since everyone thinks that the mercs are subhuman, because they are stereotypes, because stupid illiterate criminals, because they're psychopaths, because they're clones, because they're expendable... No one ever thinks to look behind it and see them as people.

Cloning is inherently a horror. When I just entered the fandom, I was convinced there will be some horror level lore underneath the silly game. It made sense.

But there was none of it.

I might be the one stupid here for thinking about tf2 that way. But I can't change my perspective now. To me the whole tf2 lore situation is just a recursive mirror on itself: the whole thing almost begs to be analyzed existentially but isn't because the goofy part of it is so sacred, it cannot be destroyed. As if taking tf2 seriously is almost a taboo.

"Don't look there, there's nothing there, don't think about it, they're silly, it's just a game" then why do I keep seeing holes on this curtain???

Purposefully not thinking about the lore is constant effort. It cannot be truly silly at least because it's war. If there's no respawn, it's scary because they can die anytime. If there is respawn - it's triple scary, because they don't belong to themselves.

In-game voicelines suggest that respawn does exist. Even if they love fighting and treat it like we treat videogames - since they are practically immortal - it's still inherently horror. Even if it's a comedy, ignoring the basic technical aspects of the world and covering up with "everything is unserious and stupid" agenda... Is ironically suspicious. For me.

It's almost as if they're trying to hide something underneath all this silliness. I know they don't. But it feels like it. It feels like a propaganda so people don't dare to try explaining how this world logically works.

A second you try to dissect the lore and it crumbles apart. It contradicts itself and it overcompensates for what it's not. It crumbles. I've stumbled upon it a hundred times for all these years in the fandom...

When you play the game you see so much environmental storytelling - the coverups of spy tech, the cold war, nukes and stuff... The early wiki info told us about megacorps who want to rule the world. It's realistic and pragmatic and so fun. Close to earth. When I play on the older maps I keep wondering what it was really about. I wonder about who the characters are, how did they get on this war?

But what I got was "the mercs are very stupid, and everything in this world is stupid because old people fight over nothing, and once they die everyone lives happily ever after AFTER SACRIFICING NOTHING". The mercs aren't even the main characters. We still know fucking nothing about them, about why they fight– they don't even fight for the same thing as in game. Everything is retconed.

I feel so conflicted. I know people love the comics but I can't help but hate it, I'm sorry. The same questions I had joining the fandom almost 2 years ago - I still have them now. It's itching, it's uncomfortable to stand in a lore which is a mess and will never be explained.

I looked at the lore with a suspicious squint, trying to compromise: maybe there IS something about the worldbuilding that I've missed that would make sense. I've analysed left and right– no. There's nothing of my interest. I had to explain things myself and it only started make sense once I stopped relying on the comics, like, at all.

And once you strip away the comics, there's barely anything left. Just the game, the bits and crumbs from the wiki...

The tf2 I enjoy now is the tf2 50% of which I created in my head to overcompensate. But who am I? I'm not Valve. I'm uncomfortable with that. Because while the lore now makes sense in my head, it's still just headcanons.

People don't know it.

I feel pretty lonely in this situation.

(This post should've been be just about dehumanization in the context of tf2, but I've noticed that everything I hurt about this media is a one big thing and one doesn't go without another. Someday I will let go.)

Spy tf2 and his identity

Character analysis (or at least my vision on him, if you believe my reasoning)

What do we know about Spy? He's a disguise mastermind. He can pretend to be anyone in order to infiltrate into the scene to do his job - quite literally, stab people on the back. But when he's not in the battle, what is he to his teammates? A suave Frenchman, a gentleman with taste, somewhat a leader.

At least, that's the persona he prefers to show. But is he really..?

What if I tell you that this person never drops his disguise?

For a man who always wears a mask and who's identity being secret is a sacred part of his role in this job, isn't this persona too much to show if it is real? Frenchman, rich, ladykiller... Wouldn't it be too easy to decipher his identity with so much clues provided? Wouldn't it be dangerous?

While Miss Pauling and the Administrator definitely know Spy's real identity, hiding it is a major thing for whatever reason. One could assume it might be because of Scout (obvious guess) but I doubt he's a sole reason. Spy very much enjoys being the Spy all by himself. Do what's the deal?

Let's start from the beginning.

Why did Spy join Mann Co. in the first place?

Let's take this assumption as a fact: people come here out of desperation. They are professionals in their field, yet in their past/casual life there is a pattern of them having difficulties that push them into joining this service. I don't see why Spy would be an exception.

The reason for joining is usually money. Some people question why Spy, a wealthy man from higher society, would join Mann Co. if he has it all already.

Well, probably because he really does not.

Have you ever met an aristocrat? Wealthy people don't get so protective about their expensive suits, they can afford cleaning or a new one. Regardless, rich people don't usually get stingy about material goods, especially if they're mass produced.

At least, not those who were born into wealth.

Spy's defensiveness about his "wealthy stuff", his pomp-ness, disgust and arrogance towards "plebs" gives off a man who knows what it means to live in poverty and who doesn't want to be associated with it ever again.

(Not even talking about his own filthy habits such as not washing his mask and pissing on walls? Jesus Christ)

Dare I even guess that he might be not French at all? His French is so broken. (Although, so is Medic's German, but at least he uses his language much more frequently and in more complex sentences, while Spy only uses French to say some basic expressions, occasionally confusing them with other languages). Definitely not a native.

If anything, he's not giving "rich man" at all, he's giving con man. And that fits my picture perfectly.

So, poor upbringing. How old is Spy? If he's Scout's father (and he was young when he was conceived), I'd say he's no less than 20 years older than him. I'd give him a few more years actually. So, approximately Spy is around 50 at the events of the game (1968-1972). Let's assume he was born somewhere in the 1910s.

Even if he's not French, I still agree that he's probably European. Hmm, what was happening in Europe at the time Spy was a kid?

Oh yeah. The Great Depression.

See my picture: imagine, a child from a lower class family during the Great Depression, his parents were most likely to not take good care about him (both because of the economical situation AND as an echo to Spy's struggles with his own fatherhood). He has to run away from home early and start to make money. Any way possible.

Unavoidably, it leads to crime.

Petty theft, blackmail, scams. Changing identities. Selling low quality products and services. Changing identities again. When older, seducing rich women to stay at their homes overnight, be fed and supported. Running away from the police. Walking into a trap of the mafia, and then joining them as their goon.

In this nightmare of a life he just had to keep pretending to be someone else, someone better and stronger, in order to his ego to not completely shutter. He had to imagine he was an invincible mastermind trickster of some sort, not just a poor boo-hoo victim of poverty who has never knew normal life and care.

And if you pretend for long enough, you become your role eventually... Right?

His true self was long lost forgotten under many layers of new identities. Worse, his true self was never known. And he didn't want it to be known in its ugly and disgusting vulnerability. Narcissism became his lifeline.

It's so much better to be Spy. To be rich and elegant and respected. His ego rebuilt.

I mean, I have a theory why valve would delete my favourite character from game😔

Sooo don’t take it too serious-

What if Madcap was Scout’s eldest brother who ran away from family like Spy does so Scout was too young to remember Madcap so good (just like a Spy) so Madcap began working as merc and after Spy recognised him he started keeping eye on him, so after Scout joined the team Madcap got really uncomfortable with all family issues between Spy and Scout, so after a few years working as merc he decided to quit leaving Scout HIS dog tags but cause Scout can barely read, he couldn’t read the name on dog tags, but when he found out, Madcap already wasn’t there.

I wanted to let you know that I absolutely adore your artwork and your "Anomaly Diversion" fic, and I sincerely hope you continue it.

I understand that it's a huge undertaking to write something so detailed and beautiful, and there is no pressure for you to keep going if you can't, but I just wanted to tell you how much I love your work <3

This made me tear up... I feel so seen.

I really appreciate that you see how it is, indeed, very hard... But it's worth it. I've recently started making a Miro board for it (so I stop forgetting stuff...)

I'm not in a very good place of mind right now which prevents me from working as efficiently as usual, but I'm working on it. Slowly but steadily. Thank you so much for checking </3

I couldn't draw much lately but here! Take these unfinished pics of a fic concept I was trying to explain lol

(CLONE THEORY 2nd Edition)

TF2 Mugs

Because I can't stop thinking about their daily lifestyles!

Scout's one is a limited edition Benny The Rabbit™ cup, "high quality plastic", he says, "can hold cold AND hot drinks... NO, IT'S NOT FOR CHILDREN, Benny is clearly a cartoon for adults!"

Pyro, surprisingly, didn't make their mug themselves (they have problems at the "firing" part) but instead this one was obtained at the local thrift market. Pyro loved this one silly handmade clay mug so much and, not quite understanding how money works, they put on the counter a sum worth the salesgirl's entire year's work.

Engineer, apparently, doesn't use things (in this case, mugs) that he didn't make himself. We asked him why, expecting him to not trust the quality of mass market or something but it turned out to be much funnier: when something is not at hand he makes it himself, and then he loses this self-made one too, and the cycle repeats itself. There are several of these mugs lost on the base apparently...

Demo's mug Is a party mug! You can never know what's inside!.. Yeah no, of course you can. He got this one from that time he hanged out with hippies. It was all fun and chill and groovy until Demo mentioned where he works. Got kicked out immediately. Hurt, he took this mug with him as a revenge move.

Despite being otherwise tidy with everything, Medic never washes his mug. He says that the periods when there's no coffee inside are too short to pay attention to them. He also said that we should stop sticking our noses in his "abfalleimer". (Hold on, isn't it a beer mug..?)

And the Spy's cup is the most interesting... He never uses it outside of his room, no one saw him drink out of anything but glass. But this one is a starry tea cup. Why are there stars? Does it mean anything? Maybe there's a metaphor that he's far away but the bright star will always show him the way home... Someone is always waiting him behind the seven seas, someone who would pour him some tea in this cup... We will never know because when he found us breaking into his room, he kicked us out at the gunpoint.

(I want people to talk more about what the mercs' life on their base is like, more detailed headcanons about them being neighbours and stuff like that...)

idk if youve done it yet but i would actually lose my mind if you did an analysis for demo

Aye aye captain 🫡 Time to overdramatize again!

Let's address Demo's wounds

(Demo's backstory was changed through the years but I'm sticking to the older version because I find it more grounded)

Demoman's story is easily one of the most tragic of all the mercs. Imagine you have been abandoned from birth, your parents simply rejected you for what you are. But luckily you have been adopted by some good people who replaced your parents and made you a relatively happy child.

And then you accidentally kill them. You're 6 years old. How does that feel?

I can't even imagine how a child's brain can't comprehend the idea of being a murderer. It was an accident, of course, they were blown up by a big explosion he created (genius kid found out how to do that, huh?) but still. His parents were dead and he knew it was his own fault. He learned he was dangerous as he is.

How was it like pondering about it in the orphanage?.. "I didn't want this! I want to go back and fix it, I'm so sorry", something like that. But he couldn't go back in time, so being covered in such an avalanche of guilt, he learned he needs to repress himself.

Demo have always had an explosive temper (no pun intended), it was his true nature, pure emotion: if he's happy, it's 100%; if he's angry, it's a full blown storm. If he loves, he loves with all of his heart, and he has a big one.

Living on the impulse, all or nothing, that crucial accident revealed that letting his true nature go will only end up as destruction in the end. Irreparable damage.

We don't know what exactly was happening to him during his orphanage years, but if I'm to guess, repressing everything about him: his interests, his character, his whole nature, was a thing to choose. He thought that he had to become still and quiet as to not to repeat that kind of tragedy ever again. He probably didn't have people to be friends with either, either because people rejected him for his past, or he avoided them himself due to his internalized shame, at least that's a guess.

But everything repressed returns to the surface sooner or later. As a child, living for so long under overwhelming guilt, grief, hate, pain and sadness, under the skies that are almost never sunny in a all-year-long damp and coldness of the Ullapool. Incomprehensibly grey. It was depriving.

He was always fascinated with explosions. He didn't touch it for a long time, but maybe something like seeing fireworks again one day made something inside him tremble... And to remember.

Explosions. Launch... Acceleration... Release. And every time the release happens, his soul fills with excitement, the body feels lighter and shivers go up the spine. Release happens inside his head too, for the explosions make his worries and pain go away for a moment.

He couldn't find another way to release his bottled up emotions, so gradually he returned to make explosives again.

It was something like an addiction. Similar to pyromania, except no one bothered to research this one. At the moment of explosion he could let his anger out, he could scream, he could run around freely, he could sense heat in his chest; he could be himself. As he once was.

Everything was cold. But the explosions were hot.

He thought it was under control, just a little bit of KABOOM after school, but he craved more and more every time, more vivid, more violent...

That's how he lost his eye. (...Was it a subconscious act of selfharm?)

The missing eye was a forever reminder of how deviated he actually was. He learned that he couldn't repress or change what he truly is - a monster. A Black Scottish Cyclops, wether it were his peers who called him like that or he himself, out of misery. There was indeed something seriously wrong with him.

It seemed like the only thing he was capable of is destruction. Destruction is the only environment he's comfortable with. Peace was always so anxious and depriving, and breaking things felt calming, so he figured it must be right.

And then his birth mother came and took him back, "now that's he's a worthy DeGroot". It was unexpected but... Pleasant. So he wasn't THAT worthless after all, huh? Turns out, it was really familial, the destruction thing. At least he found out that there was a reason behind all of this.

His new mom was, saying honestly, pretty cruel with words. She was not at all gentle, she was very strict, demanding and straight up abusive. It was never enough for her no matter what Demo did. She didn't want results from his work, she's just always wanted to mess with his brain.

And for whatever reason... This setup felt right for him. To be thrown around like that, to be humiliated harshly, it felt fitting, it wasn't causing anxiety or anything. He has to be a scapegoat, he had to forget about being a child and to start working as an adult, at the same time somehow replacing a father he still didn't have, but it felt good enough. Confusing relationships felt good enough.

Destruction was his habitat, and his heart could no longer accept anything else.

Cruelty wasn't warm though, just familiar, just an environment to not to go insane. But he craved warmness so badly... Yet every time he would get close to someone and receive a little gentleness and care, it would feel sickening. It felt unnatural, it reminded him of his lost parents and of everything that's wrong about him.

The only warmness his body could accept was alcohol, making him bubbly and comfortable and relaxed. He almost felt normal, happy even. Alcohol heat made him melt, and he felt so fulfilled as if he was in paradise, back to the womb.

Yet after the effect wears off, he feels lonely as ever. Quickly, existing without alcohol becomes pain. Existing at all. He became an addict.

Not that everyone he met rejected him, rather, he subconsciously reached out to those who would be cruel to him. Again, gentleness hurts wether he knows it or not. He's only good in destruction.

Lonely and clingy, ready to overshare, overall mess yet carrying a big baggage of love that has no one to give it to. Maybe because he can't give it to himself in the first place. There's so many issues unresolved because he can't handle them alone, yet there's no one to help since he was already trapped in a closed circuit of self sabotage.

He will keep acting like a party beast, always crazily emotional and overdone upbeat, a simple drunken man who will not be taken seriously that way. Maybe that's what he wanted, to not be seen as deep by anyone for not be reminded of his misery once again.

Seems like we bought that too.

...

The enemy Soldier might be an exception though. The man he really treasures his friendship with turned out to be an enemy; repeating the rule again: it's only acceptable when dangerous. Soldier deeply cares for Demo, however he's not gentle or pitying, he's as destructive and explosive as Demo is, and these two are a very rare perfect combination of destructing each other in the act of love. Both broken beyond repair, soul on soul, forever to be misunderstood by the outsiders. This is something about this relationship that looks like a golden lining.

They will not fix each other, but they sure are going to have a good time!

hey since you’ve posted two pieces in a row about my boy Scout I was wondering if maybe you could write more your thoughts/your hcs about him? I think he’s really interesting and I don’t often see people realize that he’s more complex that what he seems, like this man just seems very sad inside. i really like your analyses and your takes are some of my favorites

hope you have a good day!

Appreciate it! Although I probably won't say anything particularly new... Okay, let's talk about Scout!

Though he no doubt wears the persona of a confident cool guy, protecting his ego from vulnerability, I wouldn't say there's sadness inside him. More accurate would be fear.

People with sadness baggage are pretty passive and quiet. And Scout's reaction is to hit, run, scare away, cling anxiously to the object of security. That's fear. He's fearful.

He doesn't think about it much, he's a pretty happy guy in the environment he's in. But if something makes him go off the rails and he starts, God forbid, thinking.....

His core fear is not living up to his place in the world. He knows there's a place for him, but for some reason he feels like people think he's not good enough to take it. Anyone better and stronger could take his place at any time. He's on bird's rights here.

Growing up with older brothers, being not good at school, being the smallest and youngest mercenary of the team, this feeling doesn't leave him ever. It's a tiresome inner struggle: "How do I make my stay secure?", "How do I become worthy?"

Falling into this cognitive trap of searching for self validation in the outside world instead of inside of himself, he was doomed to be stuck in ambivalence:

To continue to pretend, risking being exposed as an imposter, or to be sincere and inevitably endure the unbearable pain of rejection and loneliness?

He laughs and taunts and overexplains himself so much. He clings to the only thing he's better than everyone at. He overcompensates; he demands attention and tries to make himself bigger. He hates being alone as it basically feels like being actually pushed off his place in the world. He clings to people but immediately pushes them away for being too dangerously close to finding out his fears. He needs to be with everyone to know and to control what they think about him.

And it never makes him calm down anyway, since all those efforts take a lot of energy. Tiresome to be, tiresome to pretend. And the prize is nowhere near the sight.

This loop of pain will never end, unless he breaks the very core mindset of his. The answer is stepping into this fear, but he can't even think about it! It feels like death! His ego will die and it's going to feel like he's dying as a whole.

A full existential, primal fear of an child to be rejected by his parent. "Not worthy of living".

(Based on the Lise Bourbeau's model of 5 soul wounds: Abandonment)

"I'm only valuable when..." of TF2 mercs

Personal mental stereotypes they follow, yet will never admit aloud. An analysis:

(Headcanons but I tried to be as compliant as possible)

Scout: I'm only valuable when people see me as cool and tell me that I'm cool... 'Cuz that means, it must be true...

(Constantly comparing himself to everyone, barely knows his true self, struggles to be alone)

Pyro: I'm only valuable when I have friends to care about! If there's none... It's so cold and lonely...

(Fear of abandonment? Fear of betrayal. Urges for revenge)

Soldier: I'm only valuable when my community needs me! I am all about loyalty and faith!

(Strongly identifies with the place or beliefs he belongs to, constantly feels threatened.)

Demo: I'm only valuable when people find me fun to be around. As soon as it gets sad, everyone leaves.

(Numbing his emotional pain in substances because he has no idea how to handle it, especially since these emotions push people away time and time again. Feelings of helplessness.)

Heavy: I am only valuable when I can protect people. Although I understand, when people are able to stand for themselves, it feels like my purpose is gone...

(Being protective is his identity. If he's not a big human shield for the people he cares about, who is he?)

Engineer: I'm only valuable when my ideas become reality. While I'm still alive, my mission in life is to make as many creations as I can.

(His work is more important than his personhood. He's the Engineer first, Connagher last)

Medic: I'm only valuable when people need very specific solutions to very specific situations. Let's say, some of these situations were also a work of mine.

(Too genius of a mind struggles to fit into the "normal" flow of things. Extending what's possible.)

Sniper: I'm only valuable when I'm useful. When my help is irreplaceable. Otherwise, why am I even here?

(Struggles with "fitting in" and finding a community/genuine connections. Doesn't believe there's anything to him besides his work)

Spy: I'm only valuable when people can look up on me, when they admire me and want to be like me. Or, otherwise, when they hate me and believe that I'm the only cause of their suffering. It's never too much when it comes to praise.

(Extremely fragile ego)

Thehehe why is he so pretty >////<

Engineer? What about Engiqueer

More tf2 because I’m sick and cool like that!! 😎 also I’m trying to post consistently so I get more traction!! Love when other tf2 fans sees my art!!

But here’s blu sniper and red sniper and I little comic i doodled!! Also we need more aboriginal Australian representation!!!!

I’lll hopefully post more of my blu team soon!!

Some blu scout and red scout doodles I did!!! Also demo because I love him :33

I love the idea of the blue mercs being completely different!! So I finally redesigned my old blu scout!! He’s name is Damien and he’s my son :33

Also I know I spelled blu wrong don’t worry about lol

even more edits because i love making you all even more gayer >:]]]

Some tf2 edits I made!! :))

back to tf2 stuff again!

pretty random one, but i feel like demoman would write books in his spare time about the supernatural! he has a very popular book that is about a young boy who is haunted by a ghost. however, he dropped writing after his mother kept saying it wasn’t good enough and didn’t make enough money. after mann. co hired him, he’s had a lot of time to write in between battles. there’s one book about a rivalry between two boys that ends up with the other dead that was inspired by his rivalry with soldier in the War! Update.