20riley25 - Riley (she/her) 🤍🩷💕

not to sound like a whore, but can we go to an aquarium date?

there is something called trichotillomania, and i hate that i know it by heart.

there is something called trichotillomania, which refers to the act of pulling out hair, eyebrows, and eyelashes due to stress, nervousness, or pleasure.

you can’t help it and sometimes don’t even realize when it’s happening. i have a lot of weird issues, as everyone does. i can’t help but pull out my eyelashes because it feels like i’m cleaning my eyes, discarding the old, weak ones.

“i am dirty, Milena, endlessly dirty, that is why i make such a fuss about cleanliness,” said Kafka. and, speaking of being clean, i was almost diagnosed with OCD. Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, for being too hygienic.

people with OCD take medication because their fixation doesn’t let them live normal lives. it disturbs their social lives—friends don’t get it. it interferes with their jobs—bosses don’t care. that’s the thing with obsessive people: they care an awful lot.

you see, i don’t have OCD. but before coming to france, i was “too hygienic,” some would comment.

there is a word in Spanish that i had to use to introduce myself. an excuse. an apology.

melindrosa

it encapsulates the idea of almost having OCD, but not quite. “too hygienic,” maybe. in English, we can say “picky” or “fussy,” “squeamish,” but that’s not it. so now i just say, hi, i am anaïs. i am a germophobe. i am sorry.

i don’t really like sharing, sorry.

because i am. deeply ashamed of not being able to give when i’m asked to.

as i said, it got better when i moved to france. i had to grow up out of it, i guess.

do i feel relieved about it?

i miss it. it was something so me. people associated being “picky” with me, and i felt proud. it was my thing. like Rachel’s thing is being pretty and Ross’ is being smart, Chandler’s sarcastic, Monica’s clean, Joey’s silly, and Phoebe’s whacky.

i was the “studious, smart, hygienic friend.”

so what am i without it? my friends got so used to me, they wouldn’t ask me to share my food or drinks because they knew i. just. couldn’t.

so now i feel like a hypocrite when a new person, unaware of my past habits, asks me to share something and i concede, since i don’t have a problem with it anymore.

i have this urge to explain to them that yes, of course you can have some, but i wouldn’t have said yes a year ago because i was squeamish. however, i see now that it was too hard to live like that. fortunately, the issue is vanishing— sorry, yes, of course you can have some.

losing a flaw feels like losing proof that you were once something else. it feels like a huge loss.

it’s bizarre when someone from my past—say, my parents—acts surprised:

oh, i didn’t know you’d be okay sharing a drink.

and i’m like: yeah, well.

it’s too much. sure, i care about being neat, but before, i wouldn’t even breathe the same air as someone who just coughed without covering their mouth.

and now i barely flinch.

not because i don’t care, but because i don’t care as much.

it drains you—flinching, covering, moving away, holding your breath…

it’s not about hygiene. it’s about identity. at some point, it just became exhausting to keep up. OCD isn't about being clean. it's about control. about needing the world to move a certain way, or else.

i believe i would go back to that trait if i had the chance, although i won’t.

i hate to admit it, but Mother was right when she told me off:

you can’t live in the real world acting like that.

Release of Shar

encourage LESBIANISM

I am a normal person who can be trusted with Having Skin

Me bc I failed my math test but at least I’m a pretty crier and still hot as hell so therefore I’m dumb but I’m not dumb and ugly

Curious bc I was going to wear a skirt to an event and got told the old men were not used to the culture without corsets so they would stare at my legs. Also an old man was checking me out recently when I was wearing a skirt and a tank top (keep in mind that I am sixteen years old + look young for my age). I fucking hate men (not all of them, but a good portion of them) and by God if the world was all-female, I would dress a whole lot sluttier than the baggy T-shirts and jeans I usually wear. Btw “slutty” is a stupid word in my opinion, by standards of certain ppl I am slutty or a whore, and in others I’m a prude, so I use it bc it’s just so comical in my head lmao. Also SA rates do not increase in Summer when people show more skin, when I saw SA’d I was wearing Winter SCHOOL UNIFORM.

“i’d steal all of your clothes”

i mean, what’s mine is yours… but do you want to? 😭

working while ovulating should be considered a form of torture. there’s no way yall have me going through this shift feeling feral as fuck. imagination going wild and it’s impossible to focus, yet i’m supposed to just interact with people casually??

Sometimes you spend the money you were saving for a new tattoo on handmade corsets because they were on sale and they are cheaper than a functional medical back brace but work about the same for you.

Sometimes you need to find ways to deal with your own medical issues because shit sucks and buying pretty corsets works for me.

And sometimes you get to walk up to your friend group welding your wizard staff (cane) and say "Whats up sluts, guess who just spent over 400$ on corsets"